Doing Stuff With Dad

Dear Dee:
My parents filed for divorce maybe a month ago and I'm living with my mom. My parents still talk, but the marriage just didn’t work out. My dad always called me asking me to do stuff like go to dinner or lunch or out for ice cream. But that got boring and I never know what to do with him. He's really fun, we act just alike -- people tell us that all the time. But what can I do with him when we see each other?

I'm glad you aren't having to deal with a nasty divorce. The D word is never pretty, but when parents drag each other (and their kids) through the mud, it only makes a bad thing worse. Now back to your problem. It sounds like you and your dad have a great relationship. I suggest you talk to him and come up with ideas together about how you can make the most of each other's company.
If you really are “just alike,” chances are you have some common interests, right? If you still need a few ideas, I would suggest trying bowling, golf, or even just people watching at a crowded place. If your town has a minor-league baseball team, go take in a game. It sounds like you two could have a lot of fun doing just about anything together. And as the two of you get more comfortable with your new situation, it will get easier.

When Dorky Friends Keep You From Being Cool

Dear Dee:
There is this group of popular girls at my school. I really want to hang out with them. But I'm with this one group of girls who are my best friends and I like hanging out with them but they are kind of dorky and geeky. I want to be popular but that won't happen anytime soon. So should I try and get my friends to be popular or should I just let them be themselves?
Also, these two girls in my group always wear their hair the same: high pigtails with like four different braids on each side. How can I get them to wear their hair in different styles too?

This is a tough one. I know how important it is to be popular in school, and being rejected by the popular kids really sucks. But besides being popular, what is it about this group that makes you want to be one of them? Are they smart? Are they funny (without making fun of others)? Are they compassionate? Are their actions those that you admire and want to copy?
If the answer to these questions is yes, then maybe you can study more, learn a few jokes, and practice random acts of kindness. If they are good people, they will recognize your qualities and make you part of their group. If, however, you find yourself searching for a REAL reason (besides just being popular) that you want to be friends with them, I suggest you take another look at the friends you have now and appreciate the things about them that make them your friends. And, as you said, "let them be themselves.” True friends are your friends because they have good qualities, not just because they’re at the top of an often arbitrary totem pole.
P.S. You could always give them some fashion magazines. Maybe they will get a few ideas. Don’t make it obvious, though. Say something like, “I had this magazine but I’m done with it. Would you like it?”

Late Bloomer

Dear Dee:
I am a freshman in high school and I still haven't started my period. I'm a late bloomer. It's actually REALLY embarrassing. I was thinking, what if I start my period during class or during school, and I don't notice it, and it's all over my pants or something. I really need advice on this. What would I do? How can I notice it? What if someone tells me? All these things are nerve-wracking.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. As much of a nuisance as your period will be to you one day, it is no fun to feel like you are the last one in the crowd to get something, even if it IS a visit from Aunt Flow. You may not believe it, but you are perfectly normal. Many girls don't get their periods even until their mid-teens, not to discourage you. If you are physically active, that can also delay your period. Talk to your mom if your worries are starting to dominate your thoughts -- maybe she will share her own experience with you.

When your period does come -- and trust me, it will –- it will probably be very light at first. You will probably first notice it when you go to the bathroom. If you are really worried about it, just make sure you pay close attention each time you go. You could also wear panty-liners. They aren't enough to contain a full period, but it would definitely catch something in the early stages, and they aren't bulky like maxi pads, so you won't even notice they are there. Hang in there. It will come!

Pregnancy Fears

Dear Dee:
I am in currently in high school and I have a problem: I think I am pregnant. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my mother because sex before marriage is a major taboo. I am still with my boyfriend and he doesn't even have a clue. I have been having symptoms, like throwing up and I have missed my period for the last three months. Please give me some advice, because I don't know what to DO!!!!

The first thing you need to do is take a pregnancy test. If it is positive, you need to make an appointment with your doctor immediately. If you need a more anonymous approach, find out if there is a Planned Parenthood near you. They can help you decide what the next step is for you, and everything that goes on there stays private (i.e., they won't go running to your mom to tell her what you've been up to). And you pay only what you can, so if you tell them you are a student, you shouldn't have to pay much, if anything.

That said … you really DO need to talk to your mom about this. She can help you sort out the difficult time ahead. Even if she’s really angry and disappointed in you at first, she’s your mom and she loves you. And -- this is where I get tough on you -- if you’re mature enough to be having sex, you should be mature enough to take care of your health and be able to talk to your parents about your situation. Tough, huh?

If you take the pregnancy test and it's negative, I still recommend a visit to Planned Parenthood. They will talk to you about contraceptives, which it sounds like you need. And if you don’t know how to talk to your boyfriend about this sort of thing, then you definitely shouldn’t be having sex now. Good luck -- I wish you the best.

Too Many Issues to Handle

Dear Dee:
My parents drink and get falling-down drunk.

I'm gay and my mom always gets on my case about it. She's always yelling. I think my parents are going to divorce. What do I do? I can't just stand and watch and take care of my sisters forever! Help!

It sounds like your family is desperately in need of help beyond what I can give you and what you can do on your own. Please contact someone on one of our family help hotlines and talk it over. It sounds like you're taking on a lot of responsibility that is weighing on you and putting you in a place you're not quite ready to handle.

Also, your parents need help to deal with their addictions and their problems with your sexuality.

It is quite admirable you want to handle this on your own and you are taking on the responsibility of caring for your sisters. But it's a huge burden for you to bear. Please talk to an adult you can trust and get help. I am sorry I can't advise you any further than that.

Mom, I'm Growing Up ... Really

Dear Dee:
I am turning 18 and my mom still treats me like I am 13.

She's not treating me like a baby or anything like that, but she won't let me make my own decisions. I want to move when I get out of high school. But she is preventing me from beginning the process of moving. I know it hurts her to think of me moving out because we have been through so much. What should I do?

If you feel it's time for you to be out on your own, then when you're 18, you most definitely can do that. While your mother may have different reasons for not letting you make your own decisions, it's important that you go the extra mile to show your mom that she's raised you right and she's taught you how to be responsible and make good decisions.

Regardless of what you've been through with your mom, it's also important for you to remember that while you're changing and starting a new phase in your life, you're leaving also starts a new phase in hers! Your mom goes from being this nurturing, end-all decision maker to being an observer and occasional advice-giver in her adult child's life. She almost goes from parent to friend. And sometimes it's hard for parents to adjust to their changing role. Seriously! It's like one phase of their life has ended and another one that's a little more scary begins.

So if you're mind's made up and you know you're ready, just give your mom time. She'll come around -- especially if she knows you're determined. She would probably appreciate some assurances, too, that you moving out doesn't mean she's no longer a part of your life -- it just means your relationship kind of moves out of parent/child mode and into loving friendship/guidance mode. So love up on your mom, let her know you care and give her props for how she's raised you -- an independent person who has drive and motivation to get out into the world and make a place in it.

When He's Using You

Dear Dee:
My very best friend is going out with this guy who is totally using her to get back at his ex-girlfriend. She won't believe anything I tell her and he denies everything. She says she may have fallen in love with him. I really want to expose him, but I don't want her to get hurt. What do I do?

I think you've already done all you can -- and the likelihood of your friend getting hurt is extremely high.

Look, a good friend tells a friend what she sees, what she's observed and what she knows to be true. If the friend takes that advice and chooses to disregard it, all you can do is continue to support your friend, give her gentle warnings when you feel it is necessary and just see how things play out.

What you don't want to do is badger your friend about her boyfriend, ignore her decision to stay with him and have her begin to distrust your motives. Your job at this point is to just keep observing, warn when it is appropriate and then be there when the flood gates open and everything you said turns out to be true. (By the way, don't make ‘I told you so' part of your comforting tactic!)

Of course, you can come up with some elaborate exposure plot to try to make this guy's evil intentions come to light, but in the end, your friend really needs to come to the realization that her guy's a creep on her own. And you being there for her will be a huge part in her healing.

Want a Baby? REALITY CHECK

Dear Dee:
I am 16 years old and I want a baby. I have wanted a baby since I was 15. I haven't told anyone because I am afraid of their reaction and whether or not they will talk to my parents about it.

I have joked around with my parents asking what they would do if I came home and was pregnant, but they brushed me off saying "that better not ever happen".

I don't have a boyfriend as of now, and I know any guy I would go with wouldn't want to either. I know all the responsibilities surrounding having a baby, but I am willing to go through all of that.

Every time I see a person with a baby I get jealous of them and pray I will get pregnant. I have always been mature for my age mentally and emotionally. I have never had to deal with any of the emotional problems my friends have, and I am always the one they go to for advice or help. I don't like any of the guys at my school because almost all of them are immature. What should I do?

What you should do is sit back and give yourself a huge reality check. I have no doubt in the world you think you want a baby. But I also know that if you had one, you'd want to be able to care for it, feed it and make sure everything in his/her world was perfect.

At 16, you can't do that. The motherly instincts you're having are awesome -- but they should also tell you that there is a right way and a wrong way to bring a child into this world. And what you are talking about is 100 percent the wrong way. You need to do things right and responsibly -- have a plan and allow your baby the chance to have two parents -- not just one who selfishly had a baby just to have a baby. I don't mean to belittle your feelings. You sound like a girl who genuinely loves and values babies and life. And as someone who's always loved babies myself, I think that is fantastic.

But I have been through teen-age motherhood. And while I came through it a better person, I also realize that every single hope, dream and goal in my life could've been achieved in an easier way -- not the road I had to follow because of some careless choices. I don't regret my life, but I do regret how hard things were on my son when it was just him and I. The experiences definitely taught me that there is a purpose and a plan to how things should be done -- and while that plan is circumvented quite often, it doesn't diminish the fact it's the RIGHT plan.

So please, get a puppy for now and hold off on the baby thoughts right now -- knowing full well that you will continue to hone your mothering skills, dream of children in years to come and do things in such a way that it is right, perfect and beautiful for all of you. You and your future family deserve that.

Being Honest About Shipping Out

Dear Dee:
Just wondering if you would have any suggestions for me. I need to tell my girlfriend I enlisted in the Marine Corps and will be leaving June 17. I don't have a clue how to tell her.

First off, let me tell you how much I admire you choosing a career in the military. Regardless of whether it's because you want to be a career marine or because you need help paying for college, this is a noble, admirable thing to do -- especially in times like these were soldiers are serving in so many dangerous places.

But right now, it would seem you have a little battle to fight on the home front with your girlfriend. I do kind of want to scold you for not talking to her earlier. If this girl is ‘the one' for you, and you want her to wait for you, you should've trusted her enough to tell her and allow her to be involved in the decision. Instead, you've forced her to deal with a decision she had absolutely no part of, in a relationship where she's a 50 percent stakeholder. But since I know you're probably in turmoil over this, I won't scold. But I just wanted to say that for the record.

At this point, when your leaving is really only a few short days away, you have to just come out and say it. You can't sugarcoat it, you can't downplay what is about to happen in your relationship. You've just got to tell her and have confidence enough in your relationship that it can take this huge news and survive it. Since I don't know how serious your relationship is, it's hard for me to say what your leaving could imply. But if you want her to wait for you, than make sure you tell her how much you treasure her and need her to stick with you through this time in your life. Let her know how much her support would mean to you and how much her letters/pictures and phone calls will help make the time you're apart go by so much faster.

Just be honest. And truthfully, you should apologize for not telling her sooner. I wish you the best and ask that you keep yourself safe, and know that all of us here at home are extremely grateful for your sacrifices.

Dear Dee:
I very much enjoy reading your blog and was intrigued by a recent entry about the girl whom, at 16, wants a baby.

This intrigues me cause I have felt the same way for quite awhile (I'm 17). My older sisters have kids and I love them to death but babysitting them, I know how much work they are, and I'm not even there 24/7!

I can't imagine doing that on top of my other work, and school even with help (btw kudos on raising yours as a teen). If it's possible could you pass a message to the girl for me?

I was thinking maybe she could take a couple babysitting classes, then she could spend time with little ones (while earning money) and get a better idea on how much work they are. Thank you very much.

Getting Comfortable With Kissing

Dear Dee:
I'm a 14-year-old boy and I've been dating for three years. My current girlfriend is my age and we met last year. We both know we're not ready for sex yet, but at the same time I want her to get more comfortable with kissing. Every time I try to kiss her I can tell she really doesn't want to. Why does she do this and how can I make her more comfortable with me?

What is up with all the displays of affection questions today! Wow! Yeah, yeah. I know it's summer.

So, I'm gonna throw some things out there, and please don't be offended. Just take these suggestions/tips at face value and act on them if you want to. Maybe one will solve your girlfriend's kissing phobia.

How's your breath? MANY MANY girls (and guys, I bet too) are totally turned off by kissing because of bad breath. Seriously. I've known some (myself included) who've been known to GAG because it.

Are you a slobbery kisser? Hey, don't knock the messenger. Some girls can't stand the spittle. And if you're a drooler, then she may not be a willing participant until she can forego wearing a baby bib.
How's your positioning? Awkward is the main word used when some people kiss. Are you guys bumping heads or hitting noses because someone doesn't quite know what they're doing? Two words: Pillow practice.

Tack down the tongue. While some girls dig tongue action, others, especially novice kissers don't. So keep yours in your own mouth and just give sweet kisses. As your relationship develops, the tongue might come into play ... but not right now.

Timing is everything. Hey, it's cliché, but it ain't no lie. You might feel the need to kiss, but does she? Are you trying to plant on her when YOU want it, but not when she does? Don't be selfish. Be an accommodating kisser and wait until the time is right for both of you.

Are the feelings really there? Check with her. You say she's never into kissing. Well ... why? It could be shyness, but it could also just be that's she's not attracted to you in that way. It's better to ask these questions now than waste your time and paranoia.

Those are just some baseline tips to maybe help you out. If you feel like you have all of those under control, sounds like you need to talk to her. Maybe she's just not comfortable yet with showing affection or maybe she's not ready for kissing. You're not going to know until you ask her. And if you're old enough to kiss, then you're old enough to talk about it. So give it a shot.

When Flirty Is Way Too Friendly

Dear Dee:
I tend to get really flirty with guys. I met this one guy and we flirt and make out like crazy all the time. We're not going out because we are better as friends. I've known him for two years. The first year we weren't so friendly to each other. This summer is the last time I'll see him and I want to make it special. So ... sex. We both want it, but I'm scared to actually do it. He tells me we don't have to but I want to. I really love him and he loves me. So what do I do?

OK. So news flash: You don't have sex with your friends. It's gross, it's too friendly and it's just eeewwwwwwww.

Come on! You know better than that. Just because you want to make this last summer with this guy memorable doesn't mean you have to get naked. It just means you need to have fun, spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

The best way for you to have a memorable summer is to make memories you won't regret -- memories you won't look back on and wish you'd done differently. And having sex for the sake of making a ‘memorable summer' because you're never going to see this guy again is twisted thinking and totally demeans the act itself! You don't have sex with someone you have no future with. Sex is an act of commitment and passion -- one that is shared with someone you are committed to and attached to. Got it?

Don't do yourself the disservice of giving into sex just so he'll remember you. If being with you, having your friendship and love, and spending quality time together isn't enough, then don't try to figure out what more you can give him to remain in his thoughts. Because it's just not worth it.

Vowing To Never Kiss ... Realistic?

Dear Dee:
A year ago I made a commitment to not kiss anyone until I was married. At the time it was really easy for me to keep this promise.

Now I have an amazing boyfriend and I love him so much! I really want to kiss him and I know he wants to kiss me! I don't think I'd be able to say no to him if he tried and I wouldn't want to! I just don't know if it's wrong for me to change my standards. Please help me.

Your commitment to yourself is admirable but I think entirely unrealistic. Kissing and showing emotion in a dating relationship is all part of expressing emotion and finding out if there is chemistry and attraction in a relationship. What you need to be committed to is controlling yourself and making sure the displays of affection don't go farther than you're ready for them to go.

Making a vow such as this was easy for you at the time you did it because you didn't have a boyfriend and maybe didn't understand the importance of kissing in a relationship. I think breaking this ‘vow' is perfectly acceptable and does not show weakness or lack of commitment on your part. It just shows that you are growing up and you're understanding what it means to be in a relationship and that you are starting to digest what ‘acts' are appropriate in a healthy dating situation. This is not you changing your standards. This is you making adjustments to what's appropriate and not appropriate for you in dating.

Believe me, if you were telling me you were rethinking a vow of abstinence until marriage or something much more serious, I would not give you the green light -- as I believe that type of vow is perfectly acceptable, admirable and necessary in today's climate of teen pregnancy and disease. But kissing? I just don't even think you can have any type of romantic relationship without being able to demonstrate/show some sort of affection -- and kissing does just that -- through intimacy and through emotion.

You obviously are a young lady with very high moral standards. And I so admire you for that! Keep those standards up there and don't hesitate to question and inquire about what's appropriate in dating. Also, listen to your gut. You've obviously been raised with a solid, moral background. And it won't steer you wrong if you are in tune to it.

Dating Your Best Friend's Brother

Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and so is my best friend. I'm dating her older brother who is 14. Whenever they get into a fight, they pull me into the middle of it and make me choose between them and if the one I didn't side with gets into trouble it makes me feel really bad. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to lose my friendship either. If you could tell me what to do I'll be very grateful.

OK. So first off, it's juvenile and petty for your friend and your boyfriend to call you in to solve their spats. They should both be mature enough to handle and solve their own sibling rivalries without calling in reinforcements. If they're not, then they both need to grow up. Seriously.

Secondly, you shouldn't allow them to put you in this position. Stand up for yourself. Speak up. Let them know you're her friend and his girlfriend and you will not be used in this manner. It violates what true friendship is and most definitely has nothing to do with the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.

Lastly, if you can't stand up for yourself in this matter and your friend/boyfriend won't recognize the inappropriateness of what they're doing, I'd have to say you're probably not ready to be in a dating relationship. Because emotional maturity and basic ‘growing up' would teach you that putting someone in the middle of personal arguments is immature and irresponsible.

Sorry to be harsh. But ... it's the truth.

Choosing Between Two Guys

Dear Dee:
Wonder if you have a boyfriend but you like someone else ... what do you do? Also, wonder if the guy you like likes you back but you also like your boyfriend and you can't chose between them.

You obviously know how the dating game is played, so being with one guy but liking another is kind of unacceptable. You've gotta make up your mind. Your being ‘on the fence' about which one you like enough to date is not fair to either guy and is more than likely wrecking havoc on you emotionally.

So, when you can't choose -- don't. You're not married, you're dating. Take a step back from the relationship you're in, put it on hold or even break it off, and just chill. See how things progress while hanging out with both guys in a ‘friendly' format and see if your feelings develop or change. Who knows! You might decide neither is cut out for you and you're all best left as friends.

The point is, when these types of situations arise, it's better to make a break and sort through it, leaving all involved on ‘equal' standing. Don't keep one guy (your boyfriend) hanging on in limbo while you try to sort through your feelings for another. That just makes him feel insecure and insignificant. Do things the right way and don't leave anyone hanging while you figure this out on your own. And don't forget to be honest with these guys. If you're not sure of your feelings, don't lead them on. Be straight. They'll appreciate that.

He's Just a Friend ... Nothing More

Dear Dee:
I have a guy friend who was going out with a girl who is not his type. They've broken up and it wasn't because of me.

I feel really bad for him but then again I am really happy. My friends are now teasing me because they think I like him. But he's just a good friend, nothing more. They don't believe me. What do I do now?

There is no friendship rule that says you have to like everyone your friends are dating. It just doesn't work like that. So don't beat yourself up over it. He dated her; they broke up and you didn't like her. One has nothing to do with the other.

Now, your friends teasing you is only going to stop if you stop making a big deal out of them teasing you! So try your hardest to just let it roll off and try not to get angry or yell at them for it. Unfortunately, showing emotion in this type of situation only makes the friends tease more because they think they're onto something (when, really, you just want them to stop). Occasionally, friends are just stupid that way. So grin and bear it, try your hardest to act even-keeled about it, and in time, they'll stop.

15 & Still a Tomboy

Dear Dee:
I'm 15, but I still haven't completely grown out of the 'tomboy stage.' I wear girlier clothes, and I do date guys, but sometimes I don't act like a girl at all.

I would rather play softball than go shopping, and would rather watch ‘Fear Factor' than ‘Grey's Anatomy' and drama stuff like that. A lot of people think this is really weird, and some of them make fun of me for it.

A few people are even trying to force me to wear girlie clothes, or to go shopping with them. They are also trying to convince my boyfriend to dump me because I'm too "boyish." I don't want to change, so how can I get them to leave me alone?

You most definitely should not change! You are who you are and apparently your boyfriend likes you the way you are.

Don't let these girls force you to be something you're not. And if, as your friends, they can't accept you, then they need to take a hard look at themselves and figure out what friendship really means because their behavior isn't even close to being in the spirit of true friendship.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with what you enjoy doing. Maybe one day you'll want to dress more ‘girlie' and maybe you'll get into a chick flick or a drama or something ... but you don't HAVE to do any of that to be a girl, and you don't have to do any of that to have a boyfriend. That's just stupid.

Your differences from your friends make you who you are. They make you an individual and they give you an edge. So don't apologize for it and understand sometimes our friends want us to conform to what THEY believe to be 'normal' because they want everyone to kinda be on the same playing field. But that's not what being an individual is all about. And you should be proud of yourself for it.

Preparing to Prepare for College

Deer Dee:
I am a junior this year. Next year, I need to apply to colleges, but I have no idea where to start. I have two colleges in mind and I know I would like to play volleyball for either school.

I have no idea how to go about getting information on the colleges or how to find out what courses I should take next year to prepare for a possible major. Basically I am out in the dark.

Don't freak out! You've actually already done more than quite a few people in the same boat -- you've narrowed down the colleges you'd like to attend. That's great!

I was able to find this really great site our educational search supplies, which offers step-by-step preparation for high school freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors - based on time of school year, etc.

For instance, a junior, during the spring months should be:
-- Get Ready for the SAT
-- Visit the SAT Preparation CenterTM to take a free full-length official practice test and get a score and skills report. Be sure to sign up for The Official SAT Question of the DayTM for daily practice.

-- Explore Colleges
-- Start visiting local colleges: large, small, public, and private. Get a feel for what works for you. Develop a list of 15-20 colleges that interest you. Search for colleges and use My College List.

-- Prepare for AP® Exams
-- Do well on AP exams and receive credit or placement at most colleges. Get AP Exam preparation.

-- Plan Ahead for the Summer & Senior Year
-- Review your senior year class schedule with your counselor. Challenge yourself with honors and AP classes and stick with sequences you've begun, in the languages, for example. Read about how to select your courses.
-- Plan summer activities early. Enrich yourself by volunteering, getting an interesting job or internship, or signing up for special summer learning programs.

Further preparations by high school grade level can be found here:
High School Freshman College Action Plan
High School Sophomore College Action Plan
High School Junior College Action Plan
High School Senior College Action Plan

Also, if you're serious about playing volleyball for the colleges you're thinking of attending, ask your coach to reach out to the athletic programs at those colleges. They'll want to see tapes, review stats and also talk to her about your ability and your potential. She should get on that right away. If you have more academic questions, your guidance counselor at school should be able to help -- that's what she's there for!

Good luck!

Getting Over Getting Dumped

Dear Dee:
My boyfriend dumped me. I am devastated. I acted like I was glad and I was dumping him anyway. But I wasn't going to and I wasn't glad. I was/am heartbroken.

Now another boy wants to be my boyfriend and I like him and he seems like he would make a really good boyfriend. But I can't seem to get over my other boyfriend who dumped me for another girl (who is really ugly and I can't see why he thinks she is hot).

You most definitely should not jump into a relationship with this other guy when you're still mourning the breakup from your ex. It is not fair to the new guy or to you. Give yourself time to heal.

Take solace in the fact your ex seemed to ‘take a few steps down' in the world when he selected his latest victim and remind yourself DAILY that obviously, he didn't deserve you if he can't see you outshine her 10 to 1. Hey, flatter yourself, OK? You deserve it.

And when you're ready to get back into the dating game, ease into it and don't let your bad experience with your ex make you jinx your new relationship. Just take things slowly and have fun. And remember to try not to break anyone's heart like you've had yours broken.

Working Through Commitment Issues

Dear Dee:
I have serious commitment issues. I can't even have a boyfriend for a month without feeling trapped and tied down. The guy hasn't done anything to make me feel that way, it's just me. I hate this. I feel like I'm going to have dating issues the rest of my life if I don't overcome my fear of commitment. What should I do?

It's important to really zero in on what aspect of commitment makes you nervous. Are you afraid someone will put too many restrictions/conditions on your independence? Or maybe for now, you just want to fly solo and not really have to ‘check in' with anybody other than your parents.

Either way, it's actually just something you've got to work through. If it's you stressing about someone tying you down, then working through your trust issues and the fact you do have say and control in a relationship is key. When you're dating, it's all about trial and error! You're not bound to a guy for eternity and if you don't like something he's asking you to do or telling you not to do, then dump him! You are only dating -- and still have full independence and control over all aspects of your life. The sooner you realize this, the easier it will be for you to kind of sit back and enjoy a relationship without calling it quits before there is even a problem.

Having a boyfriend doesn't mean having a jail warden or another authority figure. It means you have a ‘companion' and someone to share things with. And if the guys you choose seem to be more firm-handed then take note and look for someone much more easygoing. Believe in yourself -- that you will find someone who complements your independence and allows you to be in a relationship, BUT to still feel free and fully individual.

Big Decision ... Is It the Right One?

Dear Dee:

I recently made a really big decision. I've decided to put college on hold and work. My parents aren't too happy about it, but I feel like I have to do this. I have three siblings and they are all younger than I am.
I understand my parents need to do for them more than for me. I should be taking care of myself and not depending on my parents. So, am I making the right decision or a really big mistake?

So are you saying you made this decision because you don't want your parents to have to support you through college? Are you saying your plan is to work and save for it yourself?
I think that is very admirable. But I can definitely see your parents' point of view, too. A lot of people who say they're just ‘putting college on hold' don't actually end up ever going. The time just never seems right. Life happens. I think your parents are of the mind that once you start working, move out and are taking care of yourself, you'll eventually be completely out from under their influence and college won't be in the picture anymore.
They want you to go while there is this break in your life, when it's the most logical step and the timing is right. They want you to go when they can actually help you through it. As you get older and your siblings get older, of course going back to school gets more and more difficult.
Of course the final decision to attend or not attend college is yours. Quite a few high school seniors aren't ready for college when they first graduate, and they take a year off. So it's not unheard of. The question is, what are your real reasons for waiting? Do you want to go later? Is college something you value as important to what you're becoming and what you want to do with your life?
Think through all these things if you haven't already. And if you are just delaying your attendance in college, then make a commitment to yourself now that you will go. You'll save up the money, take help from your parents and get the most out of it that you can.
If you don't want to go to college, make sure you understand what your options are for jobs, future advancement and career paths. Maybe look at trade schools or short training courses. And regardless of what you do, know your parents love you and just want the best for you. It is a simple, unwavering truth.

Cheating Is Slap In Face

Dear Dee:

My best friend's boyfriend is cheating on her. She knows, but still loves him. I think she's making a big mistake. What should I do?

Cheating when you're in a committed relationship is arrogant, disrespectful and shows an utter lack of regard for the other person in the relationship. It's a slap in the face. Your friend needs to understand she doesn't deserve this type of behavior from her boyfriend. She should respect herself enough to know that and not tolerate it.
This is where you come in. A lot of girls and guys put up with their significant others stepping out because they don't want to take the chance of being alone or without a boyfriend/girlfriend. They also put up with it because they're in love and don't want to lose that.
But it's important to realize what someone cheating says about the cheater's feelings for the betrayed. And no one deserves to be treated with that type of disrespect or needs someone thinking they can get away with treating someone that bad.
Of course, ultimately this is your friend's decision. But you can build her up and show her how important she is. Help her realize all the great things she has to offer to a relationship and how this particular one is not supplying what she needs or what she deserves. Talk to her and be supportive. I hope she'll come around.

Friends Say to Break Up

Dear Dee:

I'm dating this girl but I recently moved to a different state. We're still dating and we communicate using AIM and online games and the phone. She tells me people are telling her she should break up with me and I'm being told that by my friends, too. Even my mom said I should. So what's your opinion?

I personally don't care if she gives in and breaks up with me. I'll just move on with my life. But on the other hand, I do love her and don't want to break up.

Well, I have a hard time believing you're as cold about this relationship as you say you are -- especially since you said you love her. I imagine you WOULD care very deeply if she decided to give in to her friends' advice. And hey, it's OK if you admit that!
Anyway, you two have to stop listening to other people and listen to each other. Long-distance relationships are really, really hard. And they aren't any easier when friends and others start weighing in on what you should do. So, listen to their advice, but realize that this decision is yours, and you're the one who has to live with it.
Some people are great at the long-distance thing. Some relationships can withstand the miles and are strong enough to see beyond that and look to the future. Is yours? Only the two of you can decide.
This will just take you guys really digging in and talking about it. Don't say "my friend says this or my mom said that." Talk about what you're feeling and what she is feeling. It may be that you both can mutually decide to stay great friends, but see other people for awhile. It may be you decide to stick it out and remain together. It's also possible you decide to part ways entirely.
The bottom line is, cut out the middleman here. You need to listen to her and she needs to listen to you. Then you can make a decision on what you guys want. Not because others are telling you to.

Oops. I Didn't Want to Break Up

Dear Dee:I broke up with this guy and now I'm having second thoughts. Now that I think about it, I didn't even have a reason for breaking up with him. Now I want him back. What should I do?

Well, let this be a lesson to you to not act so hastily next time! Think through your decisions and the consequences of them before you act on them. I am sure at the time you broke up with him, you thought you had good reason. But now that you've had time to rethink it and maybe cool down, you realize it was a mistake. It happens.
If you weren't too cruel to this guy and he still feels the same about you, there is always a chance you can make up with him if you just tell him the truth. Let him know you reacted without thinking and that you miss him. Ask him for a second chance.
If he gives it to you, great! But don't forget the lesson you have learned about thinking before you take drastic action. When our mistakes end up working themselves out to our advantage, sometimes we forget what got us in the mess in the first place. So don't forget!
If he doesn't take you back, it makes your lesson a little more difficult, but nonetheless important. Use this as a guideline for future relationships and other big decisions in your life.
But either way, the first step is to talk to him. Then go from there. (BTW, say you're sorry ... a lot.)

Serious Issues With Mom

Dear Dee:
Why is my fricken' mom always on my fricken' case? I hate her. Help me.

Hum. I am a little taken aback by the anger here. So glad we're not allowed to use stronger words then ‘fricken'. I think my computer might've blown up. (It doesn't like swear words. It's silly like that.)
Anyway, I don't know to what extent your mom's on your case -- whether it's about grades, keeping your chores up, your friends or whatever. But I would imagine her being on your case has something to do with the fact maybe she just wants to push you to do better.
Hey, I don't know specifics. You weren't very detailed here. But moms tend to come down pretty hard and get all up in our business just because they see our full potential and believe we can do so much better for ourselves then we are.
So, they stand behind us, annoying the heck out of us and push, push, push. Even on stupid things like making our beds. She knows you could've pulled the sheets up instead of leaving them crumpled at the bottom of the bed if you'd taken two extra seconds to do it right. She knows 10 extra minutes of studying could've bolstered your math grade. And she also knows that blowing off your curfew and coming in 10 minutes late was a slap in the face to her rules. And she expects more from you.
It's just that simple. Moms know everything. It's scary, it's invasive and it's downright FREAKY. But they do. So it's time to just come to grips with it and appreciate it. After all, moms just want the best for us. And to help us get it, they push, nag and annoy. Truly. That's just what they do and that's why we love ‘em.

On Again, Off Again Relationships

Dear Dee:
My girlfriend and I constantly break up and then get back together. Is it a sign she doesn't like me or what? Should I break up with her? Please tell me what I should do.

Some relationships just go through phases where breakups and makeups are kinda the point.

Of course, sometimes that gets very tiring. So now it's time to evaluate what the underlying cause is behind the relationship rollercoaster. Some of it is really just relationship immaturity, and selfishness on the breaker-upper’s part (so not a word, but it’s funny). "You don’t think the sky is blue? Well, I’m breaking up with you."

It’s a power play to establish she or he is in charge and controls the destiny of the relationship.

If this is what she’s doing, does it mean she doesn’t like you? No. It just means she doesn’t really know how to have a relationship. I say give it to her straight. Tell her you really like her and want to continue dating, but you can’t deal with the emotional stress of breaking up for three hours and then getting back together. You’re either a couple or you’re not. It's that simple. If she can’t fully commit, then most definitely dump her if your idea of a relationship is different than hers. After all, what’s the fun in making up, if you’re just gonna break up again? (Lips get tired too, you know.)

Name-Calling Friends?

Dear Dee:
My friends at school call me a retard at lunchtime. I told them to stop it but they won't listen. What should I do when they call me a retard?

First of all, anyone who calls you names like this is not your friend -- especially if he or she won’t stop when you ask them to. Secondly, calling people retard is extremely rude, disrespectful to those with mental disabilities and very unkind.

The bottom line is that this type of name calling is beyond a social faux pas. It’s cruel. How would they feel if a mentally disabled person crossed their path as they were saying it? Let me tell you from experience, this would make any person feel horrible. (Yes, I have done it ... in the 7th grade ... and I NEVER used the word again. The girl who heard me was my pastor’s mentally disabled daughter, and she cried.) This word, to the handicapped is offensive and equates to a racial slur.

Anyway, ranting aside ... your ‘friends’ (though I still doubt the validity of that claim) need to grow up. You need to tell them in no uncertain terms it bothers you. And if they don’t, you need to spend your lunch time with a more respectful group of people, ones who actually value you and listen to you.

Not-So-Hip Granny Not Worth Time?

Dear Dee:
Sometimes I have problems communicating with my grandmother. She's 75 and she's always forgetting things. Or she has to ask me a million times to repeat what I said because I mumbled.

She doesn't understand anything about the latest technology and when I do try and teach her the difference between a DVD, CD, Gameboy, Playstation and VHS, she'll forget the next time I talk to her about it. I have no problem telling her once but I do not like repeating myself.

It’s not just "the latest" technology either. She doesn't even know bands or music from the '80s. She never wants to learn to love music any more updated than Elvis or Perry Como. She knows some things, like significant things, but it’s hard trying to teach her about the ways of a teenager in 2006.

Here’s the thing. The time you spend with your grandma should not hinge on how hip, up-to-date or tech-savvy she is.

What your grandmother knows, the times she experienced, what she lived through and the events of her day are what define her life. While she wants to be informed now, and you’re key in doing that, the bulk of her life was lived in a time much different than now.

You should be spending time with her because you value her as your grandmother, because you want her advice and insight on different situations you’re experiencing, which she’s already experienced. Quite a few issues we have these days aren’t actually new. Peer pressure, drugs, abuse, bad grades, sex, etc. -- all of those things have, um, always been around.

You’re really getting hung up on the wrong things here. Your grandma doesn’t need to know the difference between a record player and a DVD player to be a good grandma. All she has to do is love you and want to spend time with you. That’s what grandmas do. They don’t sit down and listen to Panic! at the Disco with you; they don’t quote all the hits off the latest Jay-Z ... because if they did, you’d think they were trying too hard to be cool.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Just rethink the reasons you should be hangin’ with Granny and when you feel yourself getting irritated, step back and remember the memories you make with her right now will last you a lifetime. And you spending time with her right now is giving her more joy than you could imagine.

Standing Up on the Bus

Dear Dee:
There are six people on my bus who really give me a hard time. A lot of the time, the oldest one of the group wants to sit with me and just does it. Then when he leaves on the fourth stop, he always says "Bye, sexy!" His other friends get off at the next stop. To make matters worse, I get on at the last stop and I have to end up sitting with them because there are no open seats! Help me!

First of all, if you’re not comfortable with this group of guys sitting with you, then it’s time you spoke up. If you haven’t told them firmly but nicely to take their sorry butts to someone else’s seat, then do so.

If you have, and they are still bugging you, it’s time to take matters a little further and get the bus driver OR the principal at your school involved. I know it’s drastic, but you do not need to feel uncomfortable on the bus and you have just as much right as these jerks do to enjoy your ride to school.

Now, I am sure you’re a very beautiful girl and fully deserving of the ‘sexy’ status, but if this callout is unsolicited -- and if you find it as offensive as I do, you’ve got to stand up for yourself. This guy needs a lesson in Manners 101 and should study up on how to treat a lady properly. Those kinds of catcalls are so 20 years ago, and we modern ladies don’t appreciate it.

So, demand that he give you the respect you deserve, because his current actions, name calling and overall presence is offensive, antiquated and very bullyish. Today, this kind of treatment is borderline harassment.

On last note: While I encourage you to wholeheartedly and passionately stand up for yourself, if you do not feel safe doing so, don’t take these guys on alone. Be courageous and ask for help. There’s no shame in that.

Do You Believe in Santa?

Dear Dee:
There are these popular kids at school, and they don't believe in Santa Claus. And I DO believe in Santa!

What should I say to them when they ask me if I believe in Santa Claus?

You should tell them the truth! Explain to them why you believe in Santa and that for you, he’s a big part of the holiday experience. It helps you remember the excitement of Christmas when you were younger and believing in Santa keeps the excitement going.

There are enough childhood illusions that easily become ruined when we get older. Santa doesn’t have to be one of them. Do I believe in Santa? I most certainly do. I believe in the spirit of Santa Claus and I love what he represents -- kindness, goodness and giving. That’s what the holidays are all about. And if you and I choose to believe this jolly dude exists in the form of a red-suited reindeer-riding bearded man, that’s our prerogative. And we’re proud of it.

Let the popular kids poke fun. They only do because they’re too absorbed in themselves to think of the happiness the spirit of Santa brings to the holidays. So basically, they’re Scrooges. We aren’t. K? (And Santa is totally giving them stockings full of green slime ... coal is so last year.)

Don't Rush Into Love

Dear Dee:
My boyfriend keeps telling me he loves me so much and he keeps telling me I’m his angel and he will never leave me. But the thing is we have only been going out for two weeks! I’m not sure yet if I feel the same way about him. Please help me!

You definitely do not have to know if you’re in love with this guy after only two weeks of dating. All you have to know is that you want to continue the relationship and see what develops!

So seriously, don’t worry about that aspect. Take your time, sort out your feelings and only say things to him you know you mean. You really don’t want to say something you’re not quite sure you feel and regret it later.

As I know you’re an absolutely wonderful person, I have no doubt this guy is already totally taken with you. But do be wary of guys who spout lovey-dovey dribble as easily as they rattle off sports scores. Words are one thing; actions are another. So just be careful. Be gracious when he regurgitates his words of love, but if he probes you for an echo of the sentiment, tell him you’re not ready yet -- and when you say it, you’ll mean it with all your heart.

Dear Dee:
I have a problem not a problem with me just with something you said recently. You told someone looking for advice:
"He's 15, into drugs, gangs, violence and apparently some type of crime if he was jailed." Well as far as I know drugs, gangs, and violence are crimes. I understand that to err is human but being in a role-model position as you are it is important to watch what you say. I know you didn't intend for this but you may have inadvertently told people that drugs, gangs, and violence are ok because they aren't crimes. I can't stress enough how accidents happen and people misspeak but it's a peril of being in the public eye.

Dear Dee:
I read your story on teen pregnancy and it made me cry. I'm a 16-year-old girl who has a lot going for her and I almost became a teen mom.

But thankfully, I have my mom. My mom sat me down one night and we had a talk, at the middle school I went to, I was called a ‘slut'. I was only scared of one thing ... becoming pregnant. My mom has no clue how that talk affected me. She told me that if I ever had a baby, it would not only ruin my teenage years, it will also ruin my future - and what I want to become. I dream of becoming a writer. I want to finish school and go to college for writing and child care. Your story just gave me more information about what it's like to be a teen mother and I thank you for that and for sharing your story. You're right. You're one of the lucky ones. And I now understand that my actions can have serious consequences ... consequences I am not ready to face. So thank you for sharing.

Most Asked Question: Should I Have Sex?

Dear Dee:
Should I have sex with my boyfriend/girlfriend?

I get this question A LOT, as I stated previously and I want to come across as having a very, very clear stance on this.

Seriously, if you have to ask someone if you should have sex, then you have absolutely no business having sex. Sex isn't something you should do because everyone else is doing it, it's not something you should just ‘get over with' and it is most definitely not something you take lightly or do not think through.

The way that our culture has generalized and extracted the actual emotional aspects of sex drives me absolutely crazy. It is talked about as it's something you just do because you feel like it or that doesn't need any more consideration or thought put into it than you would when ordering take out. This is definitely not true and this type of thinking does nothing but lead to shallow, inappropriate behavior that not only degrades sex itself, but builds in a selfishness that most definitely isn't the desired emotion sex is supposed to fulfill.

Sounds pretty deep, right? Well, it is. And it is serious. I find it hard to believe that some people spend more time picking out their outfit in the mornings then they do in who they decide to take home at night and sleep with. Just as the right clothes in the right size don't feel right when worn, the right sexual partner and the right motives when having sex make the experience trivial and not what it is meant to be.

So, don't let anyone talk you into having sex. Don't let anyone tell you that ‘if you loved them' you'd give it up to them - because it's not true. If they understood what love is and that sex is supposed to be a fulfillment of that love and commitment, then they'd never, ever say such a thing.

Now you're thinking I'm a little old-fashioned and not quite up on the times. Well, that is SO not true. The reason I believe the way I do is because I have seen first hand the affects casual sex can have on a person who's not ready. I have seen many; many girls regret it because after they go through with it, they realized what a mistake having sex was. They realized they weren't ready; that a few minutes in the backseat or sneaking around wasn't the way their ‘first time' was intended to be - and now, that first time is lost. And of course, we don't even have to go into the risks of pregnancy, disease and emotional issues that could most definitely come about ...

So when is the right time? The right time is when you can look at your prospective partner and realize there is no one else you'd rather share the experience with. The time is right when you can say that you've thought about it and you know without a doubt you're making a good decision. The time is right when you are old enough to understand the consequences, take appropriate precautions and understand that sex isn't just something you do to say you've done it - it's special, romantic and has a meaning and purpose.

Too Young for Love?

Dear Dee:
I am 14 and my boyfriend is 17. He loves me and I love him, but my dad says I'm too young to have a 17-year-old boyfriend. My mom says since I'm almost 15 I can date a 17-year-old. But now that my dad knows, he never lets my boyfriend stay and talk. So who should I listen to, my mom or my dad? I really care for him.

So, this is where I think parenting really, really breaks down. The truth of the matter is your parents need to get on the same page and then instruct you accordingly. It is not right for them to each say the opposite of each other and then force you to make a decision on ‘whom to obey.' That's not right at all.

So, I'd encourage you to play the adult here and ask them to talk it out. The thing is you are young to be dating a guy that age - especially since dating a person who is 18, when you're under age, is illegal. I know I am asking you to tell your parents to choose what you should do, but you have to understand that you being in the middle, with the answer you want to hear and the answer you don't want to hear, puts YOU in a horrible position as a daughter and doesn't teach you anything about the importance of parenting and working together. It is a bad example to you and regardless of what you do; it gets you in trouble with someone.

If you're comfortable, sit both of your parents down and just let them know how it is. Get your mom to explain why she is comfortable with you dating this guy and get your dad to explain why he is not. GET THEM TO WORK IT OUT and show them that you're old enough to act responsibly and to recognize that this problem, as it stands right now, isn't fair to anyone in the family. I bet they'll be quite impressed with you recognizing this - and you might just get your dad to come around. And hey, if you'd rather let me be the bearer of the inappropriate parenting behavior news, just print this out ... it's my pleasure to help.

Bisexual With Problems

Dear Dee:
I'm bisexual and I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend but none of my friends know. I want to tell them because it's something about me but some of them are big mouths and even if I just tell two of them my whole school is not going to talk to me. I know no one at my school likes gays.

There's also this girl and she's accused me and two of my friends of being lesbians and if she finds out my friend's feelings might get hurt because of me. Please tell me what to do.

I am afraid you've outlined an issue you have that you didn't really even intend to - you say you have a boyfriend and a girlfriend ... well, isn't that kind of two-timing? And regardless of whether you're bi, gay or straight, two-timing is never cool. Frankly, it's that type of behavior - playing both fields at the same time - that hurt your cause, as you aren't being responsible about your relationships and the feelings of others. Just because you like to date both sexes doesn't mean your not cheating because one is a guy and one is a girl - cheating is cheating.

Secondly, you can't keep yourself in the closet forever. You're going to have to figure out a way to let the people close to you know. I don't think you have to shout it from the roof tops, but I do think you need to be comfortable with yourself and comfortable with your life choices. And until your comfortable sharing, you're not able to be yourself around those you care about.

When is the time right? Who knows? But I think as you become more confident in your sexuality and are able to act responsibly then you'll sense when the time is right. It won't be easy, but you'll find that it's more important to let people see the real you, then to live with secrets and in fear of what others might think. Be confident. Get comfortable with yourself and with what's happening in your life. And if others you know decide to label you and others as lesbians or whatever, that's their closed-minded attitudes shining through and their problem. If you handle it with grace, dignity and pride, you'll get through it. And so will your friends.

Finding Out Someone's Cheating

Dear Dee: My issue doesn't actually have to do with me, but with a friend of mine. He just found out his dad cheated on his mom (apparently it wasn't the first time). He's really hurt and angry, but I don't know what to say. What should I do? How can I help him?

This is an earth-shattering realization for someone to find out - especially when that person still lives under the same roof as his/her parents. The thing is there's not a whole lot you can do or say except continue to be a friend and be supportive.

What your friend is feeling ranges from anger because of the fact his dad is hurting the family as a whole and has betrayed the trust/love/respect everyone in the family has for him, as the family leader. Your friend is probably also angry as heck that his dad has deliberately hurt his mom. And yes, it is deliberate. Cheating is a choice - the dad chose to break his wedding vows and he chose to cause pain and family troubles by doing it.

This will take time. Your friend needs you to be there to hear him out, allow him to vent his anger and even talk to you about his pain. And through the listening, the ‘just being there' and the overall support you give, your friend will heal. And he'll then realize that while his dad made a terrible choice, he's human. And hopefully, he'll forgive him.

Who knows what changes will take place in his family - but whether his parents decide to stay together or split, your friend will need you to be strong. And regardless of whether you have words of wisdom to share with him, just remember a listening ear is probably all he needs.

Dodging Perfection

Dear Dee:
There's this guy I talk to and I've known him for about a year. He's really sweet and really quite perfect.

We went to church camp together recently and I don't know but I think I like him. My feelings are so mixed up on this because he's perfect and I'm really not. Since we've gotten back I've been kind of avoiding him at swim meets because I don't know what to say to him.

I can see that he can tell I'm avoiding him and it bugs him. I feel like I've made this so complicated and I'm confused. What would you do?

I agree with you on this one. You have made this complicated. And you've created issues that aren't really there. Because you know what? No one is perfect. So you thinking that you're not good enough for him is totally wrong.

Now, if you're just not sure of your feelings and you don't want to enter into a relationship unless you're sure it's the right thing to do, then that's one thing and is actually valid; but if you're avoiding him just because you think he's too good for you, but you know you like him, then that's just silly.

Figure out your feelings based on what you know you like in a guy, how he makes you feel when you're around him and how he is around you. Don't worry about anything else! Seriously! If he likes you and you like him, then go for it and don't jinx the relationship by entering it thinking you don't deserve him - because then it will be doomed to fail. Be confident and understand that he likes you for you - not because you are anything other than what you are! (Hey, he probably thinks you're perfect, too!)

Anyway, bottom line is don't sell yourself short. Figure out how you feel then go with it. Stop avoiding him, because that's not fair to the friendship you've already established. And as a friend, you owe him an explanation for your behavior and you owe him honesty.

Dear Dee:

First off, I've never written to you before but I want to say I am a big reader. I am always looking for new entries. I loved reading your teen pregnancy story and was really touched. You've gone through a lot. I just want you to know I think that is really just awesome. I look up to that. Also, your sex columns and when people write about things like that, well, it just makes me realize what kind of things that could happen and that you need to wait until you and the other person are ready. If it wasn't for you, I could've made some really big mistakes. I just want to say thank you and that I love what you write. You are the first person I will ever come to if I need advice. I hope you do this for a very long time! Keep it up!

Dear Dee:
I can not believe you told the girl who didn't want to kiss until her wedding day kissing is important in dating! I have made a commitment to God, my future husband and my parents, not to do anything more than hold hands with a boy.

I can not even begin to think of how special my first kiss will be in front of all our friends and family. I have never been on a date, and I don't plan to until I'm thinking about marriage. I do, however, have lots of guy friends, so I know lots of things that I do and don't want in my future husband.

Kissing and sex is made to be in between a husband and a wife.

Earning Trust & More

Dear Dee:
I'm 16 years old. I'm a decent kid; I have a great personal life and a girlfriend who I love to death. My problem is my parents. I love them both and they love me but the problem is they don't trust me with anything and even worse, they are completely paranoid about EVERYTHING!

I know that I've done some stupid things in the past and I'm not going to say I'm perfect, but they seriously don't want me to do anything. I completely have to hide my entire personal life from them. They've even taken the liberty of scaring away my friends who have tried to hang out at my house. I want to break it to them in an easy way that I'm grown up and can handle myself OUTSIDE their house and protective arms.

I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm going crazy. It's summer and I used to do OK when there was school and I could socialize with kids, but now I'm cooped up doing nothing.

Parents have a funny way of latching on to what we've done wrong and kind of not letting us live it down -- especially when we've made up for it and proven ourselves now trustworthy.

So, if you feel you've done this, then a heart-to-heart talk with your mom and dad is probably what needs to happen here. The most important thing for you to do is approach this talk as an adult -- not as a former kid, who's done a few things wrong, who's now reformed. Let them know you've really grown up and you're not even in the same state of mind as you were when those previous ‘crimes' were committed.

Keep your head cool, your tone respectful and speak to them from the viewpoint of someone who wants to take on more responsibility and who wants to be treated more as an adult instead of a well-monitored kid. Also let them know you'd be happy with them loosening up the apron strings a little at a time, and that you'd like to take on more freedoms and responsibilities as they see you can handle it. Yes, I did just add responsibility in there ... because with freedom comes responsibility -- whether it's how you handle yourself outside your parents' view or whether they ask more of you because they're giving you more freedom. Be prepared for it and embrace it. Don't complain.

Good luck and do your best to really talk to them respectfully and mindful of the fact they have your best intentions at heart. The freedom will come. You've just got to prove you deserve it.

Ring, Ring: No One's Home?

Dear Dee:
What do you do if the guy you are in love with won't return your phone calls?

Honey, if he's not returning your calls, then you leave him alone. We here at Dear Dee do not endorse behavior that could be construed as desperate, stalking or even borderline obsessive.

It sucks that he's not giving you the attention and time you deserve, but you've got to show him you're above it all. If he's not going to pick up the phone or call you back, then move on and try your hardest to act like it doesn't bother you. Don't play his petty game and let him know he's hurt you. It's not worth it. Do all you can to keep your dignity intact, pick up the pieces and find a new crush, one who appreciates a great girl like you and a hearty phone conversation.

I Love Him, But He's Not Right for Me

Dear Dee:
What if I had a boyfriend who I loved truly, but deep down I know he's not right for me?

This is one of the saddest things, right? I think most of us have been through this -- especially because we always seem to fall head over heels for the guy who's totally wrong, wrong, wrong.

But this is how it goes. This is how we learn and this is actually how we grow into understanding what we do want/don't want in a boyfriend or girlfriend. And while it is painful and sometimes even agonizing to get over, the feelings we had make us stronger and help us identify what to look for in the future so we don't put ourselves in the same situation again.

So, try your hardest to realize that falling for the bad boy isn't the end of the world. It's just a pit stop in your travels through other relationships to prepare you for the right one. And while your heart may tell you to ignore the feeling that he's not right, don't. Your gut instincts are what should guide you here. Be smart and listen to it. If he's wrong for you, he's wrong for you. Don't count on that changing -- because seriously, the only thing changing to make the relationship work will be YOU. And that is not the answer.

My Feelings Have Grown

Dear Dee:
I really like this girl. She knows because we went out four times, but she doesn't know that I think I love her. I am so confused. I don't know if it's puppy love or real love. She actually told me she has strong feelings for me and we could have been a good couple. I want her back.

It actually doesn't sound to me like you're confused. You say you really care for her. You think you love her and you know she cares for you. So what's the problem?

Don't worry about the puppy love vs. real love aspect. Just go with the flow and see what happens. Regardless of which it is, your feelings are real and they are important. Now, it may not be the right time to share those feelings with her, but you'll know when the time is right.

Hey, enjoy the feelings you're having. Whether it's love that'll last forever or one you'll grow out of, it's real right now and you'll be able to make memories and learn about relationships from it. So don't sweat it. It'll come together. So ask her out again!

'I've Lost Myself'

Dear Dee:
I have so many different identities, I think I've lost my true self and I know my true identity is the sweet, loving girl who loves animals and cares about people she doesn't even know. But when I started middle school, I started following punk and then I went into drugs, then gangs and stupid things like that.

Now when people ask me what I like, I end up lying and saying drugs and ghetto stuff. I'm just so lost and I don't know if I should change to my true self or someone else again. Please help; what do I do? I mean, it's pathetic. I'm in tenth grade now and I still have this problem.

It doesn't matter much that you have different aspects of your identity. There are different sides you show to different people regarding what setting you're in or what friends you're hanging out with. So don't worry that you have a punk side to you, or a sweet side, or an animal-loving side. All those characteristics and mixes of things make you who you are.

What you do need to cut out, though, is the aspects of your identity that aren't good for you and can taint everything else that IS good about you -- the habits and problems that can get you into trouble, harm you and cause you nothing but problems. Those are the things people remember. They don't remember the good things, unfortunately. And doing these things now (drugs, gangs) could affect you negatively for the rest of your life.

So, as you strive to clean up your act and truly find yourself, don't struggle with separating yourself from items that really define who you are. Just remove the elements that aren't healthy or good for you. It doesn't matter you enjoy being a little punk -- as long as you can separate the drugs and gangs from it. It doesn't matter you might be a little rough sometimes, but still have a softer, sweet side. These elements are what make you uniquely you and prove that your personality wasn't simply cast out of a mold -- but was and is being fashioned and shaped as you develop and discover new things.

Please be careful. And remember, establishing one's identity is a process we do our entire lives, because our world views, outlooks and situations on life change. Who we are today is not who we were five years ago or will be in 10 years. So don't stress. This isn't a problem -- it's a developing progression. Embrace it, be safe and make smart choices. And if you have problems figuring out how to get out of the bad habits you've formed (drug use, gangs, etc.) get some help. Talk to an adult you trust or contact someone on our hotlines. I wish you the best

Choosing Between Friends & Mom ... OUCH

Dear Dee:
I have two friends. One is leaving for college and the other is going to boarding school for a year. As a Sweet 16 present, I got three tickets to a concert.

But my mom wants me to go with her. I want to go with my friends. So what should I do? I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings, but this is one of my last choices to see my two friends.

Ouch! This is a toughie. But the thing is, your mom will totally understand. She really will. And while she may act hurt a little, it's only because she'll be realizing that you're growing up and she's not the center of your universe anymore. It's true.

Now, how you handle this is of the highest importance. There are about a dozen WRONG ways, and only one RIGHT way -- so listen up. Sit down with mom, be honest and let her know how your friends' leaving is affecting you - that you feel you don't have enough time to spend with them and how you really want to make your last few days/weeks with them fun and memorable. Ask her if there's any way she'd consider letting you take your two friends to the concert. Let her know you understand she wanted to go with you, but you were hoping the two of you could work out something else to do together, maybe dinner before the show or even another fun event (movie opening, etc.).

Your attitude when talking to her is really important here. If you want her to consider you old enough to go to an event like this without adult supervision, then you have to show her you can talk to her about this like an adult. No pouting, no stomping, no yelling. You can do it. Good luck to you and have a great time at the concert!

Asked Out Thru Email

Dear Dee:
My friend recently emailed me and asked me out. I only like him as a friend.

I haven't replied yet because I don't know what to say. How should I turn him down without hurting his feelings?

There is no way for you to break this to your friend without him getting his feelings hurt a little. But the thing is, your not answering him is probably more painful and awkward than you actually telling him. I know it's difficult, but you've got to step up and tell him the truth.

Tell him you value his friendship, but just don't see the two of you together as a couple. It's just that simple. I always say if you're not able to tell someone straight out yes or no and are worried too much about how they'll respond, you're probably not old enough to be dating. Part of dating is knowing when someone is right/wrong for you and acting accordingly.

Again, talk to him soon and don't leave him hanging.

Dear Dee:
I am 15 and going into 10th grade. I have never had a boyfriend. I mean, I have had guys ask me out and we have gone on dates but I never had a real relationship. I feel kind of silly when people ask me about my past relationships and I don't have any to talk about.

There are so many girls much younger than I, and they are way more experienced in dating. My friends tell me not to worry about it and wait. But I feel if I wait I well still be in the same place I am now.

Don't torture yourself over not ever having a boyfriend! Seriously. I actually say good for you! So often we run around talking about our boyfriends and girlfriends when we're not even old enough to know what it means OR actually have real bfs or gfs. So this is a non-issue and don't stress out about it.

I agree with your friends. You'll find a boyfriend when you are ready and when it's actually someone you think you want to have a relationship with. Don't go after a guy just to have a boyfriend. That's never the right way to approach relationships.

Be yourself and have fun. Flirt when you want to. And don't be shy about expressing interest in someone if you're genuinely interested. Just don't spend time dwelling on what will eventually happen. Thinking you'll never have a boyfriend is pretty much the surest way to guarantee you won't have one.

Growing Up Hurts Our Parents ... So ...

Dear Dee:
I've always heard about how parents don't like to think of their children growing up. I love my parents to death and I don't want to hurt them by growing up. I'm the oldest so I don't have anyone to talk to. What should I do?

What you should do is make your parents proud of you by being the kind of young adult they raised you to be. You can't help growing up. So don't be silly about that. It's something we all have to deal with and as parents; we seriously do get over it -- especially when we realize the adults our children have become are products of what we've taught them and how we encouraged them to be individuals with goals and big plans.

When I think about kids growing up from a parenting angle, I often come to this conclusion: While the kids are entering a new phase of their lives by going out on their own, parents are also entering another phase. They are no longer the providers, the nurturers and the decision-makers they once were for those grown children. They are now observers, offering opinions when warranted, and taking on a more supporting role, rather than a dominating role. It's scary for parent and child.

But hey, it's something we have to go through -- so it's manageable. Just be gentle with your parents, do your best to be the kind of person you know you should be and it will be great. They'll be proud, you'll be happy and life will just be ... a rollicking happy cliché I don't even want to waste space repeating ...

Your Conscience Is Your Friend ... Seriously

Dear Dee:
I've done some stupid things in the past. But all of a sudden I've been feeling guilty about them, and I have no idea why.

Is there something wrong with me? How can I stop? It seems like I won't think about it for a few hours, because I'm busy, but then it will hit me all of a sudden. I just want to go back to being normal again.

You actually are normal. You are going through what every decent, well-meaning person with a conscience should go through if they are to be productive, good citizens of the world. Just think of this: If you didn't feel regret, remorse or guilt about some actions, what would stop you from doing tragic things that hurt the people around you? Feeling guilt and questioning motives is what keeps us good. It's what makes us moral and it's what makes us human.

Don't ever be ashamed of the fact you want to make sure things are ‘right.' Don't ever be ashamed that you feel bad about something you did. When this happens, make it right! Apologize, fix it, forgive YOURSELF and then move on. Don't dwell on it. Just remember it as a lesson learned and as an example of what not to do in the future.

Again, be thankful for your conscience. Without it, you'd be hopeless, dangerous and scary.

I Know He's Doing Drugs, BUT ...

Dear Dee:
One of my best friends is thinking about starting to take drugs. He gets depressed a lot and thinks drugs are the only way out.

I'm really worried about him and I don't know what to do. I tried telling him drugs are terrible. He won't listen to me. He asked me if I would still be his friend if he did do them.

My dad says I should talk to the school counselor about it, but I'm not sure if that is the best choice. Plus, this drug is illegal. Please help me! I really don't want my friend to get hurt.

It makes absolutely no sense for a person to think drugs are the way out of anything. They're not. They are a temporary distraction that takes your mind off your pain long enough to hurt your body, cause you great harm and possibly even get you arrested. They don't help with problems; they add onto them.

This is what your friend needs to realize. He also needs to understand that trying to escape from real problems is not the right way to go about things. In fact, it's the cowardly way to deal with life. Let him know how strong you think he is and how you know he can defeat and conquer any problem life throws at him -- he just has to try.

Drugs prey on those who are vulnerable, weak and discouraged. His depression definitely puts him in this category. And it may not be easy for him to snap out of it. But it is important for him to understand he is wanted, loved and needed. He needs to find his confidence and his 'place' in this world. Drugs won't help him do that.

They'll just help him create a legacy of abuse, disgrace and self-indulgence.
If you can't get through to your friend, I really do think your dad is right on. The next step would be to bring in a trusted adult to help with the situation. It is NOT a betrayal of his trust of you. It is proof of your friendship to him and your desire to truly help him. Don't let your friend tell you any differently.

Also, feel free to contact someone at one of our hotlines to get tips on how to talk to your friend. They are professionals in dealing with these types of situations and may be able to give you some insight I can't.
I wish you the best and hope your friend understands how lucky he is to have you by his side.

Four Guys, One Girl -- HEART EXPLOSION

Dear Dee:
I have mixed feelings for four guys. I like all of them a lot. Three of them live in the same town as me and go to the same church and the other one I met at camp and I only get to see him there. I don't know what to do. My heart is going to explode!

OK. OK. Please don't let your heart explode. That would just be ... messy. It's not a big deal to like more than one guy. It really isn't! You're allowed to like more than one guy at the same time. Enjoy it, get to know them, and just go with it.

I think where you might be hung up is thinking that you can only date one of them. That's not true ... you can actually go on dates a few times with each of them, and see which fall off the desirable dating list and which guy tops the list. TONS of first dates don't work out, and having a date doesn't all of a sudden mean you're exclusive.

Listen, I am not saying make out with all of them or otherwise act inappropriately. I am saying get to know these guys and see who you really connect with. As you get to know them through dating or through friendships, you'll start figuring out who's more your type and what you're really looking for.

Don't lose heart. And don't be discouraged. This is a good thing. Be smart, treat each with respect, and get to know them. All the rest will fall into place.

I'm Crushing on a Girl

Dear Dee:
I am a girl, and I think I am falling head-over-heels in love with this other girl at my school. I don't want to!

I don't want to because even though I really think I like her, or even love her, a lot of people I know think being gay is weird. Also, I'm way on the less-attractive side and that makes it 10 times harder than the already impossible situation. I've never thought about girls before her. I have always liked guys, but she has really stolen my heart since the first time I saw her.

This girl hardly knows my name, let alone who I am. She is so amazing and I think I'm in love. This has been going on for a year and a half. I haven't told anybody because someone I know recently came out and my friends aren't acting too cool about it.

I so badly want to talk to someone about it but I can't. And finally, how wrong is it being ‘homosexual'?

Don't try to make a snap decision on your sexuality based on your feelings for one person. That is like my saying I am a biker chick because I think motorcycles are cool. Because you have feelings for one girl does not automatically make you a lesbian. It just means you're working through questions, situations and issues that will shape your realization about who you are. And that's just a part of life.

I can't tell you whether to act on your feelings or not. But I can tell you to take things slowly, don't jump to conclusions, and don't worry about what those around you say or think. This is not about them -- it's about you. And if you are confident in your decisions, then what they say or do shouldn't affect you. Your true friends will stand by you no matter what and those who aren't will fall by the wayside. And it's those kinds of friends you're better off without, anyway.

Again, I can't tell you whether being gay is right or wrong for you. This is a personal issue you have to figure out for yourself, and what others believe shouldn't influence it. This is about you, not them.

Broken Up, But Still Have Feelings

Dear Dee:

My boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. Now he is going out with someone else and I still have feelings for him even though I don't let them show. What should I do?

You've gotta just keep on doing what you're doing now. Keep your head up, try not to let him get to you, and move on.

Breaking up is never easy, and most of the time, one person in the couple doesn't want the relationship to end. But we just have to accept it and move on.

Look, he didn't even have the guts to tell you personally -- he called you. So, while you do still have feelings for him, console yourself by knowing you deserve better than that. You deserved to be told face-to-face and given a valid reason.

Since he's already moved on, it's going to hurt awhile to see him with another, but you really will be OK. And you'll find someone better. You really, really will.

He Doesn't Deserve Me, Right?

Dear Dee:

My boyfriend treats me like dirt, after everything I do for him. I wear low-cut shirts for him; I actually do my hair for him!

I ride my bike in 25-degree weather at 7 a.m. just to see him and he blows me off!
He only pays attention to me when he wants to make out or do other things. When we go out, he'll say bye to my parents and not me. What is that about?

Hum. Honey, all the things that you do for your boyfriend, you should be doing for yourself. You shouldn't be dressing sexy for this guy. You shouldn't fix yourself up for this guy.

You should do those things because you're proud of who you are and how you look. You should want to fix yourself up because it makes YOU feel good. Not because this idiot of a boyfriend wants you to.

In doing this, you've given him control over you. Through your actions, you've told him that you don't care how he treats you, and that you're ready and willing to give him what he wants because everything you do, you do for him.
Um, hello. That's not how girls are these days. WE dictate what we do, how we look and whom we date. We also say yes and no to the kissing and other stuff, and we don't have to do it if we don't want to.

It's time you realized you're important. And it's time you take pride in the fact you know who you are and what you deserve. This guy obviously doesn't know how to treat a girl and that HE doesn't make you who you are. You're not just his girlfriend. You're a beautiful, confident girl who has dreams, ambitions and goals, and knows how to find a guy to appreciate all of that.

So my advice to you is tell this guy to shove it and find someone who knows how to treat a lady. And remember, a relationship is two people -- not one, doing everything else the other wants. You call the shots, too. You don't just obey them.

Saying 'Yes' Then Telling Mom & Dad

Dear Dee:
If a guy asked me out and I said yes, I wouldn't know how to tell my parents.

If I didn't tell them, they would find out anyway and I don't want them angry at me. How do I tell them? This guy I liked asked me to go out with him but I didn't say anything. How do I say yes?

Lastly, I don't know if he likes me or not because the guys in my school dare people to go out with people. I asked him if he liked me, but he didn't say anything. How do I find out if he likes me?

Before you are in a situation where you have to tell your parents you have a boyfriend, it might be a good idea to go ahead and talk to them beforehand, and find out what their rules/expectations are. Then at least you'd know where you stand and what your obstacles are.

While you're having this chat with your parents, make sure you take on an attitude that is respectful of what they have to say and lets them know you're ready to handle having a boyfriend. Ask them to consider compromises if you don't agree with what they're saying and offer up suggestions.

For instance, if they say you can't go out with a guy on a date, maybe suggest group dates of four or more people. Another solution might be asking him to your house for a movie night. (And make your parents promise not to hover or embarrass you ...)

Since you don't state your age, it's hard for me to suggest more than that, but the most important thing is to be honest with your parents and do all you can to stay within their guidelines. Dating takes responsibility -- and if you have to break their rules to even have a boyfriend, then you're peddling backward in earning their trust. And that does NOTHING in advancing your cause.

In regard to knowing if this guy really likes you or whether he was dared to ask you out, rely on your gut on this one. If he won't give you a straight answer, read his body language. Then decide if he's not telling you because he's shy or because he was really dared. You'll probably be able to tell. You just have to be OK with finding out the truth.

Oh, and if he was dared and asked you out because of it, brush it off and don't worry about it. That fact alone shows HE is not old enough to handle dating and SO doesn't deserve you.

New School, New Friends, Way-Bad Manners

Dear Dee,
I'm 12 years old and I go to a prep school. A lot of the kids there are really rich and snobby.

I just started this year and previously went to public school for six years. I miss all of my old friends so much. They were never like the peers at my new school. I had a sleepover two months ago, and invited my old and new schoolmates. My mom was appalled at the behavior of my new friends and didn't want me hanging out with them anymore.

On the other hand, she thought my old friends were very polite. My mom is especially worried I am going to start acting the same way as my new schoolmates. I would love to go to public school again, but the one I'm zoned for is so bad -- there have been stabbings there.

I'm so confused. Please help, Dee. I feel like you're the only one I can talk to.

Thank you so much for the confidence you have in me. It really means a lot to me to have all of you faithful readers and question askers. I love knowing I help in a small way.

I can understand why your parents would send you to a different school if they're worried about your safety, but they can't expect you not to hang out with anyone while you're at school. That's just unrealistic and would make your school time miserable.

Just let your mom know you're just as appalled by your new friends' behavior as she is and you're really hoping you can be a positive influence on them. Assure her you will stay true to yourself and the way she's brought you up.

You could very well be exactly what this new group of friends needs. You can help them understand how important it is to treat people well, act respectful and be more down-to-earth. Figure out not-so-obvious ways to let them know some of their behavior is unacceptable. Don't call them out on it in every situation, but figure out clever ways to counter their actions with what's right. With any luck, they'll catch on and learn something from you!

Don't forget about your 'old' friends. They'll keep you grounded and in touch with reality. It's OK to associate with both groups, and it's awesome you have that opportunity. So many people are only exposed to a single group of people and don't learn anything about social acceptance and having a multitude of friends. So while it may not seem like it sometimes, you are lucky in that regard. Make the most of it and help all your friends learn to accept and respect each other.

Being Pulled By Parents

Dear Dee:
My parents are divorced. My mom hates my dad and my dad hates my mom.

I just got a new phone for my room. My mom called me. My dad picked up while I was talking and started listening. He has done this twice. I don't think it's right.

I know I'm his daughter and everything but he needs to lay off. It makes me so mad. Do you think it's right? I feel like I'm a spy for each of my parents. I talked to Dad about it and said I was tired of being the little spy for them.

He doesn't know that I rarely talk to my mom about what I do over at my dad's house. He thinks I do! I hate it when we fight. I sometimes don't want to be with my mom or my dad. I feel guilty. Should I? I need help.

You most definitely shouldn't feel guilty. It is not your fault your parents are divorced OR that they are both making you feel like this. Whatever is going on between them, they need to sort it out themselves and let you enjoy being with each of them during the times you're with them. And obviously, you can't do that if they're badgering you about what the other is doing while you're with him/her.

It's probably time for you to act like the grownup and talk to your parents. In these types of situations, where emotions rule and common sense takes a back seat, it's really OK for you to step up and play the adult. You have to in order to keep sane!

Sit them down together or separately (your discretion) and tell them NOT to talk until you're done. Get them both to agree to this before you begin. Write down talking points beforehand if you need to, but lay it on the line about the spying, the questions, talking bad about each other in front of you -- all the things that bother you. Let them know THEY are the ones who got the divorce. You, as their child, are still attached to each of them.

Let them know how all of this makes you feel and then, in no uncertain terms, tell them it needs to stop. Tell them you're afraid that if they don't, you feel it will start to affect you in other areas like school and socially. Let them know you really are worried about their emotional well-being and yours.

Your dad most definitely shouldn't be listening in on conversations with your mom, and your mom shouldn't drill you about the time you spend with your dad. The time you spend with them is about YOU bonding and staying connected -- it's not a recon mission to find out what the other is doing.

When Will It Be 'My' Time?

Dear Dee:
I don't want to rush things or anything, I mean, I am in middle school.

My friend has so many guys that like her. I know that I should give everything time, but I have never been asked out and I am not that sure if I have been liked. Well, sometimes (I don't know if it's jealousy), I feel left out because everyone I know has been either liked or gone out with someone.

And there are only two cute guys I like and I don't think they'll ask me out. But they are both available. Do you have any tips on how to get boys?

First off, don't compare yourselves to the girls around you! You're unique and things happen at different times for different people. So rest assured you're not behind the curve or anything. You're just doing things in your own time.

Worrying about whether or not someone/anyone likes you gives off a vibe to guys you really don't want them to receive. It looks a little nervous, uncertain and somewhat desperate, all of which are turnoffs.

You want a guy to like you? Just don't try so hard! Be yourself. Be confident. Be fun. Take pride in yourself and your appearance. Let guys know, by actions, not words, why they should be interested in you. (You're fun, you're approachable, great to talk to and you are interesting ... and pretty, too!)

If you feel like you're more on the shy side, just determine that you're going to try harder to put yourself out there and overcome it. Have confidence in the fact you CAN do it and you are worth liking! And again, don't compare yourself to others. They have faults and fears, too -- even if you can't see them.

Trying Not to Follow the Pack

Dear Dee:
I have a lot of friends who get high. I tell them to stop and that it's a stupid thing to do. They ask me if I have ever done it and when I tell them I haven't, they tell me I should. I'm really scared and I don't know what to do. Please help me.

Your solution is simple on paper, but could be a difficult one for you to enact.
I am sorry to say, you've got to stop hanging out with people who do this to themselves and insist on putting pressure on you to drug up as well. It is the only way to stay drug-free and on the path to make something fantastic of yourself.

You've admitted to being scared and I'd imagine your fear is twofold: You're scared for the friends you care about and how drug use affects them. And you're also scared for yourself and the fact that it's more and more difficult each time they ask to say 'no.'

This type of pressure, from people you care about, is especially difficult because you trust in them as friends -- and you want to be accepted. It's the classic peer pressure situation, one that's easily solved in theory but stone-cold scary in real life.

I encourage you to stay strong. Don't give in. Do all you can to start pulling away from this group. You shouldn't have to deal with the pressure they're placing on you AND you should not have to watch your friends hurt themselves by doing drugs. It's just not healthy for you.

If you feel you can, get some people who can help your friends involved. Your friends need some serious intervention in order to get their lives back on track. You can definitely have a hand in that, but you can't handle it yourself. Find someone, a school counselor or a teacher, a parent, an adult you trust to help your friends. You can also try calling a few of our hotlines to get some advice from specialists who deal with this daily.

Stay strong and stand firm in your resistance. You can do it.

How Do I Tell Them?

Dear Dee:
I am 15 and pregnant. How do I tell my mom and my boyfriend that I am having a baby?

There is no easy way for you to tell either person you're expecting a baby. But I would encourage you to start with your mom and let her know. She might be mad. She might even yell, but because she loves you, she'll get over that and help you through this.

Telling your mom first will allow you to speak to her about your feelings, what you want to do and how you feel about the father of this baby. It will also let the realization of your situation sink in a little more and prepare you for the fact you will have to talk to your boyfriend and probably his parents, too. I just think it would be easier for you to deal with all of this if you had your supportive momma by your side.

I won't sugarcoat it. You're in for a tough road and have lots of decisions to make. Feel free to contact our family crisis or teen pregnancy hotlines and talk to a professional about what you're going through. Don't keep it all inside, especially right now, as your body goes through so many changes during pregnancy. It's best to work through the emotions as they hit you rather than bottling them up. It's healthier for the baby, too.

You are so, so young. And my heart goes out to you more than you'll ever know. I hope you can realize that this isn't where your life ends -- you still have plenty ahead of you and can accomplish many wonderful things, regardless of what you decide to do. Just because you're having a baby doesn't mean you're doomed to poverty or destined to never have a great life or job. It just means you have to work harder to get the things you want and it may take a little longer.

So please don't give up or lose heart. Don't settle for what others expect out of a teen mom (welfare, snotty nosed kids and no job). Accomplish all you can and take care of yourself. Be proud of yourself and constantly strive to better your world and your baby's. I promise you, when you look back on this in 10 years, you'll respect yourself, you'll be proud of your accomplishments and you'll be so very glad you didn't just give up. Your life as a kid is kind of over, and you'll see things differently now. But if you really focus on what's important and what's right for you, then you'll be fine. You don't have to be a statistic. Be one of those girls who rises above the ‘tragedy' and makes a difference. I know you can do it, and my thoughts are with you.

Love Him, Love Him Not

Dear Dee:
I've been going out with my boyfriend for nine months now and I am so in love with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

But I just started to like this other boy who sits behind me in homeroom. It's hard because I used to like him a year ago and now I'm starting to like him again. Right now I am really confused, I want to kiss this other boy and spend time with him, but I feel guilty doing it and I just want to be just friends with him. What should I do?

On first read, your question made me roll my eyes. Seriously -- saying you are in love and want to spend the rest of your life with someone in one paragraph, then going on about how you want to kiss and spend time with this other guy is kind of contradictory. But I have decided to look at it differently and give you two perspectives. So hang with me, K?

I have no idea how old you are, so I am going to take the first paragraph at face value and say you really do love your BF and can't imagine your life without him. Hey, that's great. And you know what? Just because you feel that way doesn't mean you all of a sudden stop thinking every other guy in the world is cute. It doesn't even mean you stop thinking about spending time with other guys. You are human! But what it does mean is that you learn to take those urges and put them in perspective. You don't act on them. You don't obsess about them and you realize that you're only human, and can't ignore every single guy in the world just because you're committed to someone. But you also realize that being in a relationship means being true. And if what you feel is real for the person you're in a relationship with, then you know you've already got the real thing -- and nothing else could possibly live up to it. And then you move on.

So that's one way to look at it (and probably more along the lines of the way I'd advise someone in a serious, serious relationship).

Now, for the other approach: You're not married. You're just dating. But that doesn't give you the right to consider ‘experimenting' with other guys just because they strike your fancy. If you want to explore what you might feel for this other guy, then the right thing to do is end the relationship with your boyfriend. Do things the right way. Don't cheat, don't two-time and most definitely don't disrespect the guy you say you really love. And let's dive into that a bit: You say you LOVE your boyfriend, but LIKE this other guy ... those are two very different sentiments. One is worth preserving; the other is fleeting. Also realize that if you have these feelings for this other guy and really just want to be friends, you're asking for trouble -- and putting yourself in a prime position to actually let something happen with him.

Bottom line is, you can't have both guys at the same time and still be trustworthy and respectable. So dig deep, figure out what you're really feeling and don't embellish feelings that may only be a fleeing fancy ... and don't downplay feelings that may be the real thing.

In Pursuit of Athletics & Answers

Dear Dee:
I have never really been athletic and my parents know it.

In my school, sports are a big deal and so I went out looking for a sport to participate in. I found cheerleading -- something I always liked. I decided to start next year in September.

But my parents say I can't join the squad. Everyone says I'm really good! How can I convince my parents to let me go out for the team?

Obviously it's important for you to know WHY your parents don't want you to join the cheerleading squad. Is it because they're afraid you'll get hurt? Do they not want you traveling? Do they not like the sometimes negative connotation that comes along with being a cheerleader? What's the reasoning here?

If you don't know their reasons, you need to find out. And you need to make sure you ask with respect and the understanding you may not get the answer you want to hear. Also, take into the account the ‘because I said so' factor, and try really hard to figure out how best to ask for a real reason.

If you believe in yourself and your ability to make the squad, and feel you can be responsible and juggle your school responsibilities, your home life and practice, then talk with your parents in a way that allows them to know you've thought this through and really want to do it. Even propose a trial period to them -- that if you don't live up to your end of the bargain (good grades, keeping up with chores, etc.), then you'll quit the squad. Tell them how much you want this and let them know you're committed to making it all work -- and you're committed to making them proud of you.

I think if you approach this tactfully, don't stomp around or act like a baby about it (not saying that you do), you should be able to convince them. Good luck!

True Friendship or False Feelings?

Dear Dee:
I am 14 years old and in 8th grade. My best friend and I have been best friends for awhile, and I think of her as a sister.

She bought tickets to go see Fall Out Boy in concert weeks before the concert. I was slightly jealous, but that didn't matter because I was happy for her. The week of the concert, I won tickets to go to the concert and meet the band! I was so happy and I thought she would be happy for me but instead she was so jealous and upset.

She started being really rude to me. Then at the concert I got an autographed picture of them and I wanted to get one for her but we were only allowed one. When I got back from the concert, she said she wanted the picture. I told her if I had an extra I would give it to her in a second. She got mad at me and won't even talk to me now. She even told everybody that she was "done with me."

She hurt my feelings and I really miss her. I cry about it a lot. How can I get through this?

Wow -- friendship ruined by Fall Out Boy, huh? If that's not a song title ...

Anyway, what you've described above is the epitome of selfish friendship that's more superficial than anything else -- at least on one person's side. There is no reason your friend should've asked or expected you to give her YOUR picture. And while it is human nature to sometimes be a little green with envy, she should've been able to curb that and taper it with excitement for the fact one of you got to meet your favorite band.

I am sorry to say, it sounds like the friendship ran deeper on your side than it did on hers and your former friend's actions are shallow, immature and direct reflection on the fact that she's kind of a spoiled brat. When she had tickets and you didn't, did she offer to take you? Did you ‘demand' a ticket? Did you storm off in anger when she didn't give you one? While I only know your side of the story, it sounds like none of those things happened. You were jealous, naturally, but happy she was getting the opportunity to go, right?

It's very unfortunate you had to learn your friend's true colors this way -- and it's even worse that a friendship you had so much time and emotion invested in has to end in such a stupid, ridiculous way -- but it's a lesson learned. Now you know how silly material things can come between and friendship, and how real friends strive not to let it by focusing on the value of friendship rather than the tangible objects one friend can give another. Just hang in there. Just as with any loss, you have to deal with it, grieve and then move on. And while it might take awhile, you'll realize, when you find a true friend, that what you previously had with this girl wasn't the real thing.

Whose Opinion Matters?

Dear Dee:
My girlfriend is nice, pretty and smart. But my sister called her a slut and says she's ugly. What should I do?

Unless your sister is all-knowing or has some piece of information about your girlfriend that you don't have (like she gets around or something), then just ignore your sister and go with your gut. If you like this girl and you believe she's nice, pretty and smart, and you want to be with her, then who gives a rip what your sister says? She's entitled to her own opinion and it doesn't have to be the same as yours.

Your sister could just be saying these things to get a rise out of you -- and as her brother, you should be able to tell whether she's serious or just hassling you. You've grown up with her, so don't forget she knows how to push your buttons! But also don't undercut the family bond here, and if your sister really has reasons for believing negative things about your girl, let her vent those to you, just to make sure you have all the information.

Again, go with your gut and you'll be able to tell what's going on with your sis and her comments.

Jocks Are Smart, Too!

Dear Dee:
I am a jock. I am proud to admit it. I play baseball and football and am excellent at both. Call me conceited, but it's true. But the thing is, I am really smart, too. I make the honor roll all the time, I get great grades and all my friends and family know me for is my athletics. They don't praise my academics. ... While I know I can thrive playing sports, I also know I really don't have a future in it and my brain is what's going to get me into college. How can I make everyone understand there are many different things I am good at and I want to be recognized for all of it?

You don't very often hear of a jock whining because he's a jock and wants to get recognized for his strong academic standings ... so I am slightly amused. But of course I am ready and willing to help you with your most serious predicament.

And what is that predicament, exactly? Seems to me you're the all-American guy. You have the looks (I assume), you have the athletic talent, and you have the brains. So maybe it would be better if you didn't whine about the fact your peers and the adults around you are so psyched about your athletic achievements. Maybe you should take it in stride, enjoy the ride and keep up the great work. You're the full package, honey, and it's rare. You're extremely lucky, and complaining about it almost makes it seem like you don't appreciate the gifts you have.

When the time comes, those around you will recognize you for the accomplishments you've made, whether it is the NBA or med school, and take both brains and smarts. Come to think of it, the fact you're successful at baseball and football speaks volumes for your smarts, as both games are extremely strategic and require quick reflexes and calculated thinking. So in a way, your admirers are paying homage to your smarts already.

Anyway, what else is there to say? Enjoy the praise while it lasts, keep up the excellent work and don't forget to be thankful for what you have -- because not many are as lucky as you.

Freaking Out About Change

Dear Dee:
I am so scared about going into high school. Last year, in junior high, the 9th graders ruled the school and now, I am going back to being the youngest on campus again. It really is difficult going from ‘everything' to ‘nothing' in the course of a summer. Any ideas on how to survive this?

Being the youngest in school doesn't mean you have to be the punching bag on campus. It just means you have to prove you don't deserve to be looked on that way. For some silly reason, for as long as school's been in existence, the younger kids get the grief. And the older kids cause it. It's a vicious cycle but one that always exists.

What you have to do is break out of that 9th-grade shell and show why you deserve better. The one way you can do this? Don't act scared. Don't worry about high school and just go with the flow. You're going into the 10th grade with tons of other kids. You're not alone. So walk in that first day with the anxiety tucked quietly away somewhere and determine that you're going to have fun, make some friends (I am assuming you're moving to the new school with tons of friends anyway) and make the most of it. Don't pay attention to the stigma that comes along with being the youngest on campus. Work on your rep as if you were starting over -- because you are. Establish yourself now and build upon it in upcoming years. And just be yourself!

In a few years when you rule the school again, you'll look back and see how well you sailed through it ... and maybe, you'll remember how you felt that first day, and remember not to make it so hard on those NEW 10th graders ... because you were there once, too.

Who Am I Without HIM?

Dear Dee:
My ex-boyfriend and I literally just broke up a few days after the school year ended. We had been dating since the 9th grade -- we are both going to be starting our senior year. Since we had been together so long, it is hard to imagine going through those doors without him by my side. I don't know who I am without him and I don't know what people will think now that I am not his girl. There are memories everywhere in that school -- and we even share some of the same friends. I don't think we will get back together, and I am finally fine with that, although it really hurts. But moving on is going to be so hard. Any advice?

OK. *imaginary slapping here* WAKE UP, sister and realize that you are your own person -- and your identity doesn't depend on who's standing next to you, but what you as an individual stand for, believe in and contribute.

I hate hearing about girls who think the fact they are now single makes them fall like four levels down on the social chain. I also hate hearing that they feel lost and don't know who they are without a guy. That's pitiful. It's weak and it's wrong. You are an individual with many, many things to offer this world, your friends, your family and yourself. You need to wake up and realize that instead of splashing around aimlessly in a pool of pity.

Now that the harsh talk is out of the way, I do want you to know I understand the emotional impact this breakup has had on you. The fact that your relationship was so long definitely adds a complexity to your return to school, but it doesn't make it unbearable. You just walk in there with your head held high, ready to experience high school life as a single girl raring to show the world she's able to make it, have fun and go with the flow. Show everyone that while you were so-and-so's girlfriend in the past, that's a label you have shed and want put in the past. Now you're YOU. And flying solo is gonna allow you to finally show what you're made up of.

When mutual friends come around, just be yourself. Don't act like it's odd to talk to them because you're not with that guy. They are still your friends and you have every right to be as friendly and outgoing with them as you want. Don't make them choose sides. That's just not cool. Be yourself and be a friend.

Lastly, when you run into your ex while at school, be cool. Seriously. There's no other way to be. You have a history and acting any other way (if your breakup was mutual and friendly) is unnecessary and disrespectful to the history you share. There may be a time when that history is irrelevant and it won't be necessary to talk to him or acknowledge it. But right now, you're in the same school and will more than likely have to communicate on some level. So just deal with it, move on and act like it's no big thing. It will get easier in time.

Your first day back will be nerve-wracking. But if you're armed with confidence, a support group of friends and a positive attitude, you'll come through it wonderfully and will get your year off to a GREAT start. Good luck.

Private School Punishment

Dear Dee:
This year, my parents put me in private school because of some trouble I got in last year. This is freaking me out. I now have to wear a uniform, try to make friends with totally new people AND they won't let me see my old friends. This really sucks and I don't know how to deal with it.

Uh oh. I hate to hear you got into trouble (but I know it happens) and I hate to hear you're being punished by wearing uniforms. But private school? I am a product of it and it ain't that bad. (DISCLAIMER: Grammar was deliberately bad there. It is no reflection on private school education and its quality.)

So since I don't know your exact situation and the conditions surrounding your exile, let's just go for the obvious here and figure out how you can handle your transition. It won't necessarily be easy. But I promise you if you take it in stride, have a good attitude about it and just make the most of it, you'll value the experience and what you can learn.

Uniforms suck. I am the first to admit it, but in the eyes of all in charge at the school, they level the playing field when it comes to fashion. Of course, students see it as stripping away individualism and self-expression. And of course, that's true, too. But it's a rule. So we live with it and move on. It is what it is. Deal with it. Let the real you shine through with your personality, the way you treat others and the efforts you make to fit in, express yourself (in a proper manner) and handle yourself define what others think of you. If you really think about it, it's much harder to identify yourself when the element of fashion is taken out of the identity equation. Seriously. You're forced to express yourself in other ways and you can't hide behind designer labels and price tags.

Making new friends is also difficult, but if you go into school on the first day with an open mind, you'll soon realize that besides being the new kid, you're the new story, too. Kids will want to know why you're there. And if you opt to tell them of your ‘trouble,' that is great. If you don't, that's fine, too. But just know that how you act -- whether you give a resentful air about being in the school or whether you accept it and embrace it -- will determine how your new peers see you. So try to be accepting, conversational and as truthful as you see fit. It might be as simple as, "Well, my parents didn't like what was going on in the public school, so they decided to send me here for a year. We'll see how it goes." And there ya go. Enough said.

Bottom line is, transitions suck. New situations suck and being the new kid REALLY sucks. But your success will depend on your attitude. And while other situations may be out of your control, you most definitely are in charge of the attitude and perception you give others ... so the ball is in your court.

Parents Putting on Grade Pressure

Dear Dee:
My parents keep pressuring me to do better and better in school, and they don't understand that I already feel I am doing the best that I can. I study all the time, and still only make Bs and Cs. I don't know what to do and I really am starting to think my parents will never be proud of me -- no matter how hard I try.
I think I just thought of a new tongue twister, thanks to your question: Parental pressure is particularly plaguing because pressure for perfection is painful. Yeah. OK. Let's move on.

If you are truly trying your hardest here and the grades you're receiving are a direct result of that, it might be time you kicked this up a notch and relied on someone else to explain to your parents that what they consider mediocre is really star status where you're concerned. This person should be someone who recognizes the effort you put into your work and the struggles you have overcome to achieve your Bs and Cs -- which, by the way, are very respectable grades and can still get you into college. I would suggest a teacher or a guidance counselor, perhaps -- someone who's very much in tune with your struggles and your work ethic.

Parents sometimes are jerks. And I can say that because I have parents and am a parent. Sometimes, we just don't know when enough is enough when it comes to pushing expectations and we really don't know when to STOP pushing OUR unachievable or unobtainable standards onto our kids. Don't blame yourself for this. This is the fault of humanity, and the wish all parents have, to have their kids do better than, or at least as good as, they did in school and in whatever else they excelled at. We parents have to understand that our kids are their own individual people, that they achieve, learn and grow differently than we did AND are going to get through things just fine as long as we lighten up, and give support and guidance when necessary. We need to learn how to identify our children's best and take it at face value -- not read into it as underachieving because it doesn't live up to our expectations. Because you know what? Sometimes, that's going to happen.

So talk to someone who knows what you're dealing with in school and knows how hard you're working. Or better yet, give this to your parents and have them read it. Also talk to them about how you're feeling. Tell them you love them, want to make them proud, and hope they will be when they understand that what you are currently achieving is your very, very best. I hope this helps and I wish you luck.

Giving Up the 'Wrong Crowd'

Dear Dee:
I have always hung out with the wrong crowd at school. The thing is, I get sucked in on the first day and can't seem to get the courage to break away and start all over. Also, I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings. It's not that they are bad people, but they do some things I don't think are right. Can you give me some advice on how to separate myself from them on good terms?

The way you are feeling is actually beyond the type of friends you have -- it's your common sense and conscience telling you it's time to grow up, get it together and get serious about the type of person you want to be known as, recognized for and accepted as.

This is a huge realization for anyone, and the fact it is hitting you in your high school years is like WOW! I am so impressed you recognize it and want to act on it, instead of sticking with the status quo and seeing what happens. Good for you.

So, it sounds like you've already made the decision to make a split -- so now we need to handle the execution and keep the fallout to a minimum. The idea is not to alienate your current friends, but expand your acquaintances and try new things. You also need to let your current friends know you still care about them, but that you can't take chances with them by putting yourself at risk when they elect to do these ‘things' you don't think are right.

Continue to be nice to your current friends, say hi to them, talk to them when warranted, but just don't rely on them to be your only social interaction as you have in the past. Make an effort to pursue your new interests aggressively. And when your current friends ask why you're not hanging with them as much, be honest and tell them you've been having a really hard time dealing with some of their actions. Talk to them about why you don't like what they're doing and why you think it is wrong. Also let them know that you want more for yourself and more for them -- that's why you've decided to branch out. Who knows? Maybe they'll wise up as well and decide to make some changes ... in that case, it makes what you're going through right now all worth while. And in that case, there is a happy ending.

But do we count on that? No. We hope for the best and prepare for the worst -- fully knowing your friends could get really pissed off, hate you and even treat you wrong. This is sad, but a fact of life and common to human nature. So, take the emotional hits and try to move on, knowing that you've made the right decision and that one day, your friends will see that, too.

She Lost Her Feelings?

Dear Dee:

I’m afraid my girlfriend is losing her feelings for me. She moved away not too far, to a city with a new family. She is in foster care. I’m afraid to lose her. She is actually my first love. I just haven’t talked to her in a while. I just don’t understand why she hasn’t tried to make any contact with me.

Your long-distance relationship is a little more difficult than most, given your girlfriend’s family situation. Who knows what’s going on in the home or in her life right now?

The thing is, while there is a chance she might still contact you, you’ve got to come to the realization that this just might not work out. You guys are young, and as you stated, she’s kind of your first girlfriend. And while first loves always stay with us, they don’t always last forever.

Try hard to focus on other things and begin healing, knowing this first love was a great experience, you will remember it fondly, but it just didn’t work out because of life circumstances.

And if she does contact you, please give some thought to what’s really working and what you can deal with. Long distance relationships are really, really hard -- and if you bring in some of the issues this girl is facing, it might make it easier for now if you two were just friends. Then take it from there when the time is right.

Was I a Mistake?

Dear Dee:
My mom had me when she was 15 and I didn't think anything of it until just recently. I overheard her talking to one of her friends about having me young. She was talking about how, even though my biological dad was 19, she couldn't blame him for rape and stuff like that. It kind of made me wonder if I was a total mistake. Was I an accident? Should I talk to my mom about it? What should I do?

I think it’s probably easy to assume your mom didn’t want to have a baby at the age of 15, BUT when she found out she was having you, she made the decision to keep you, raise you and love you. And you know what? That’s what matters.

If truth be told, I bet a lot of kids in the world weren’t planned -- they were more than likely ‘mistakes’ that turned out to be wonderful blessings. Don’t focus on how you came into this world. Focus on what you have now that you’re here.

You have a mom who sacrificed to have you, takes care of you and loves you. Don’t lose sleep because you overheard her talking to her friend about her past. She could’ve been having a bad day that day and needed to vent, she could’ve been feeling a little sorry for herself -- she could’ve even been angry. Moms can’t be 100 percent happy all the time. And they can’t always be happy about what’s going on in their lives.

Tell me, do you always like being a teenager? Do you always like being your mom’s child? Truth be told, moms have moments where they don’t like being moms! But the wonderful moments far outweigh the bad ones and believe me, I think you just overheard your mom at a bad moment.

Talk to her about if you need to. I am sure she will confirm what I am saying: She wouldn’t trade you for the world. (Hey, also take this chance to let her know you dig her, too …)

I Asked, She Said 'No' ...What Now?

Dear Dee:
I asked this girl out last week and she said no. The thing is, I still really like her. What should I do?

So you have to be really careful here and not come off like a creepy person if you decide to ask her out again.Here’s what you do: I have no idea how her ‘no’ was delivered, whether it was like a ‘no way -- ever’ kind of thing or a ‘no, I’m busy but maybe another time.’

So first, decide in what manner your ‘no’ was delivered. Did it leave an opening for you to ask again?Also, why do you think she said no? Does she not know you well enough or what? Can you start by just trying to have conversations with her and being her friend then build up to another date invite?

The most important thing here is to play it cool, don’t act weird around her and definitely don’t seem overbearing or stalker-ish. Try to figure out if there is potential for her to change her mind, and then act accordingly. If there is, GREAT! Go for it when the time is right. If there’s not, back off and I am sorry to say, move on. There are tons of girls out there, and I am sure there’s one who’d love to date you.

My Friend's Being Abused ...

Dear Dee:
I just found out one of my friends is being abused by his parents. I don't know what to do and neither does he. He's pretty much my best friend and I don't want him getting hurt anymore than he is. Can you help me?

This is heavy information for you to carry, especially when you care about your friend the way you obviously do. I wish I could give you all the answers to make this abuse stop, but I can’t do that.

All I can do is tell you to continue to be a good friend to him, talk to an adult you trust about what is going on and if you’re comfortable with it, call a few of our domestic abuse hotlines to get some answers. The people on the other end of the hotline phones are trained to help you get your friend some help.

You’ve already taken the first step and since you know this is going on, you can definitely get him some help by talking with a trustworthy person -- whether a school counselor, teacher or whomever. I wish you the best and am thankful your friend has you looking out for him.

Rocky Relationship, Parents Don't Approve

Dear Dee:

I had a rocky relationship with a guy who isn't perfect. He's been involved with drugs, gangs, weapons and the whole street life. It’s common here where I live, but of course my parents don't see it that way.I know plenty of people who do that stuff, but I don't. I see him as a fun, caring person, and I know deep in my heart we love each other. He's even giving up drugs, trying to, just for me.

My parents were OK with it, but something happened: He was put in jail for a couple of days. My parents found out and turned their backs on me and him. We are back together and my parents don't know because I am sure they wouldn't approve.I am in middle school, but he has passed on to high school. There is no way for us to see each other, and my parents don't let me go anywhere. What can we do?

He says he wants to try to show them I've changed his life and he loves me so we can get their approval. If age matters, I am 13 and he is 15.

It sounds like you are growing up in a really, really rough neighborhood.

And I just want to say that just because drugs, gangs, weapons and ‘the whole street life’ are common where you are doesn’t make those things right. It’s a true testament to your strength that you’ve been able to survive in the midst of all of that and not become a victim to addiction or violence -- but you’ve still got a long way to go.I have no doubt you and your boyfriend have very strong feelings for each other. I also don’t doubt he’d like to change for you. But the proof is in the actions, not the words.

He’s 15, into drugs, gangs, violence and apparently some type of crime if he was jailed. I actually believe your parents have every right to restrict you from seeing him. And if you’re dating him behind their backs, it does nothing to help your case. It just proves that they can’t trust you either.I know it’s hard. But you need your guy to straighten up first. You need him to give up his bad habits, stay out of the slammer and get his life together. He has a brilliant future ahead of him, but only if he applies himself and is strong enough to climb out of the ‘street life’ hole he’s already dug himself into. The fact he wants to change FOR YOU is great -- but it is not enough. He has to want to change FOR HIMSELF because he knows there’s a better life out there for him. He’s the one who has to turn those pretty ‘I want to show your parents you’ve changed my life’ words into action and results … not you. If he can do that, and earn your parents’ trust, then things will be easier.And where you’re concerned: Your best bet to win your parents’ favor and get them to trust you and your boyfriend again is to actually be honest with them. Obey them and prove to them you’re old enough to make strong decisions that are safe and smart. Don’t just prove to them that you know how to deceive and disobey. Obviously, that won’t have the desired affect and I promise it will only end up getting you in more trouble with your parents, and the chance of you actually getting them to reconcile with your guy will be slim to none. So play it straight. Get him to play it straight. And then see what happens.

Teen Pregnancy Story

By Dee Murray

This isn’t a story that will scare you straight. This isn’t a story that will make you rethink all your priorities.

It’s a story that’ll tell you the realities of teen pregnancy and make you hopefully think twice, before carelessly letting one event change your entire life forever.

This is my story.

Let me preface this by saying outright I am one of the lucky ones. And I realize that. I am not the typical teen pregnancy horror story. I’m just a girl who made a few mistakes, dealt with them and somehow, through grace, lots of help from family and raw determination made it through a better person. And I’ve been lucky enough to have a son who, despite having a young mom who made tons of mistakes, came through it a strong young adult. Yeah. I am a lucky one.

But wait. I’ve already jumped way ahead of myself, haven’t I? Let’s start at the beginning.

He was a varsity basketball player; I was a varsity volleyball player. He was ‘destined’ to attend some fantastically awesome college on scholarship, I wanted to be a lawyer and go to Harvard. But one thing led to another and all hell broke loose – at least in our worlds.

I was a junior at a private, very strict high school, and was pregnant. Letting anyone know would certainly mean being expelled from school and I had a sneaking suspicion my parents would be way pissed. But hey, I could handle that. I had the guy. And as long as we were together, it didn’t matter. But he had a different idea.

I told him about the baby. He broke up with me. His parents sent him away to attend school in another state. And he didn’t fight it at all. He wasn’t interested in being with me, raising the baby or ruining ‘his chances’ at making it big one day.

So then, being 17, without a boyfriend, possibly getting kicked out of school and not knowing what else to do, it was time to go to the parents. My mom actually guessed before I could tell her. She started crying, hugged me tight and said we’d get through it. My dad flew off the handle, stormed out of the house and didn’t come home until late, late that night (he went back to his office). But when he did get home, he came to my room, gave me a huge hug and told me everything would be OK. That he’d take care of me and whomever else came along.

A few days later, the word was out at school and I got called into the principal’s office and expelled immediately. I was forced to empty out my desk in front of my peers and so-called friends (and my little brother) and walk out of the school without finishing my junior year.

Reality sets in here. Goodbye happy life with basketball star. Goodbye standing on the steps of Harvard … and goodbye career in full judicial glory. Hell, at this point, goodbye even graduating high school. I was another statistic. A pregnant teen, destined to depend on mom and dad forever, work somewhere earning minimum wage, no benefits and more than likely with no growth potential … basically, all the negatives everyone says about teen moms, I was then forced to face. And it freaked me out. Let’s not even talk about the fact being pregnant is totally not the best way to continue to do teen-agerish things. No more social life, no more cool clothes (maternity clothes are UGLY) and feeling ‘great’ is difficult when you’re suffering from morning sickness, extreme swelling and even the smell of some foods sends you running to the bathroom to hurl. Oh yeah, then there’s the constant bathroom breaks, the belly the size of about five watermelons and the stretch marks. Not to mention the funny looks someone gives you when they realize you’re a pregnant teen. It’s either ‘the pity look,’ ‘the disgust look’ or the ‘you’re a slut look.’ People judge. It’s a fact.

Mom and dad were great, though. They were encouraging, paid for my prenatal care, even though we didn’t have insurance (so I know it was a hardship) and asked that I figure out how to pay for my hospital care and taking care of the baby once he/she came.

Let’s see: I knew how to cook, clean and I sucked at math. I could basically do … nothing.



So, I mowed lawns on weekends, and worked for my dad during the week. And slowly but surely as the time drew closer to have that baby, I had paid in full the expected hospital bill. No Medicaid, no Medicare, no welfare, no anything. I did it. And I was proud.

Of course there were other mini tragedies in the mix between all this and the day I had the baby. I went to summer school, finished my junior year. I would attend school for my senior year at a neighboring private school once the baby was born. I was rejected by tons of people I thought were my true friends and would always be by my side. But I was embraced by unexpected people who I would’ve thought would be the first to judge. So maybe it evened out.

And then it was time...

My momma took me to the hospital. To the place I should’ve been safe from ridicule and should’ve received compassionate care. But as I got wheeled into the maternity wing, the nurse waiting to help me into the bed said ‘Oh, another teen mom?’ with certain disgust in her voice. 'This has got to stop.'



Amidst the terrible pain of contractions (and let me assure you, it hurts like heck), that instant judgment hurt even more. But when I couldn’t stand up for myself, my mom did. ‘You know, lady,’ she said. ‘This teen mom paid for her own hospital stay, holds a steady job AND went to summer school so she could graduate in May. So don’t you look at her or talk to her like that. She deserves your respect.’

Thanks, mom.

Twelve hours later, David Mitchell was born: 8 pounds, 22 inches long and these terribly long fingers. When I saw him, the first thing I said was literally ‘Momma, look. He has a basketball player’s hands.’ (I swear this is true.)

And thus, I made it through being a pregnant teen. Now, I was a teen mom. And this opened up a ton of other harsh realities. Midnight feedings, dirty diapers, non-existent dating life, trying to find money to buy diapers, pay the rent and even fill the car up with gas. The list can go on and on. But enough about me, right? My story is almost happy!

It almost doesn’t even sound like teen pregnancy is that bad. I was to get out on my own, eventually go to college and land a great job. But I am the exception, not the rule. Most girls aren’t as lucky as me. And instead of coming through all this a stronger, better person they end up as a statistic.

And being a statistic doesn’t allow you to become the strong, independent person you were born to be. It doesn’t allow you to meet your potential and it most definitely doesn’t allow you to be the best parent you can be.


The facts prove it:
-- 4 in 10 girls will experience at least one pregnancy before reaching age 20.
-- Less than 1/3 of teens who become pregnant before age 18 complete high school.
-- Every year around 750,000 teenagers will get pregnant.
-- 80% of the fathers of babies born to teen mothers do not marry their babies' mothers.
-- On average, these absent fathers pay less than $800 annually for child support.
-- The sons of teen mothers are 13% more likely to end up in prison.
-- Teen mother’s daughters are 22 percent more likely to become teen moms.
-- 52% of all mothers on welfare had their first child while in their teen years.
-- Teen moms are less likely to receive well-paying jobs that allow them career growth.
-- 48% of all non-marital births are to teen-aged mothers.

-- Only 30% of teen moms stay married to their baby’s fathers after the child is born.
-- Moms who had a pre-marital, teen-aged birth are significantly less likely to be married by the age of 35 than those who don’t have babies as teens.
-- Each year the federal government spends $40 billion to help families that began with a teenage birth.
-- Only 1.5% of teen moms will earn a college degree by age 30.
-- Nearly 80% of unmarried teen mothers end up on welfare.

So what's the bottom line here? Don't be a stat. Don't be another one of those girls people feel sorry for. Don't make a passionate decision that could have consequences that are anything but romantic. Seriously. This is your life. And when you do bring children into this world, you want to do it right and at a time when you can provide, love and care for them just like every sweet little baby deserves.