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Dear Dee has moved!
Right Now's Better Than Right Time
Dear Dee:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. I love him but I just don't want to be with him anymore.
We are both 20 and he is very immature. We lived together for about a year and he just thinks I should do housewife stuff. The problem is, I was working and going to college and then he got fired so I got another job and he still thought I should do housewife things.
I am not married nor has he put a ring on my finger. Our relationship is getting to the point of where we act like an old married couple. I even have to ask for sex! Also, my health has been very poor while living with him and now that we don't live together, I have more energy. I feel really healthy and everything. I know I need to break it off but I want to do it in person.
He will not quit bothering me through text messages or calling me or emailing me. I feel like its going to slip out before I can see him. I don't know how to handle this can you help?
You aren't doing him any favors by not telling him your true feelings now. While it's understandable you'd rather break up with him in person, stringing him along is not the way to go here. In fact, it's not fair to him at all.
I could write a book on what I see wrong with what you wrote in your first few paragraphs, but you've saved me the keystrokes by saying yourself that you want out. So just get out! You're not asking whether or not you SHOULD get out -- whether or not you SHOULD talk to him about it. You're flat out saying you know you need to break it off -- you know he's not the right guy -- and now, you just need help getting out.
So just do it. Don't wait. Call him up and tell him the relationship isn't working for you anymore. Waiting to see him in person at this point, when the thought of him texting you or calling you is repulsive, is not right and cowardly. He doesn't know you guys are on the outs ... so he doesn't think of it as 'bothering you.' He thinks he's communicating with his girlfriend! CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.
Take this opportunity to make a new start of it. Learn from your experience in this relationship and don't make the same mistakes again. Find someone who has the same ambitions as you and will support YOU -- not just let you support him.
I Love Him, But He's .... Lazy
Dear Dee:
I have been in a committed relationship for several months now. He and I moved in together several months back and now he's proposed.
I know I love him with all my heart. But I have this nagging feeling about the fact that, while we've been together, he's lost two jobs and I pay the majority of the bills. I know he is out actively looking for work, but I wonder once he gets a job, how long it will last. I have even caught myself resenting the fact I have to pay most of the bills and I am taking care of him instead of us taking care of each other. Call me old fashioned, but I am worried he might be lazy!
I have dreams and I have ambitions. If I have to support us both, I just don't know if I can actually achieve what I want to in my life -- and I don't know if I can be happy with someone who can't hold down a job and pull his weight.
Am I horrible? I do love him. I know that. But I don't know if this is the start of a pattern. Can you help?
You are not a horrible person for having these thoughts. In fact, you're being extremely responsible to think through this now -- before you are married. And, I am not sure you're going to like what I have to say about this ... but you asked and I'm gonna say it ...
This definitely is a pattern. While the jury is still out on whether your guy is destined to always be lazy, the verdict is most definitely in on the fact he's perfectly comfortable letting you pay the bills, foot the responsibility of the household AND bear the burden of making sure you have food, water and all the other essentials.
My advice to you would be not to marry this guy until you are sure he is dedicated to keeping a job and contributing to the success of your marriage financially. As you probably know, most divorces are caused by finances -- and a lazy-ass boyfriend before marriage will most definitely become a lazy-ass husband. Maybe the answer is to tell him he must keep a job for several months before you get married. Or, that he must work, pull his weight, and put aside savings to support a few month's worth of expenses should he lose his job after marriage.
Look, I don't doubt you love him. I don't even doubt that all this aside, he makes you happy. But this isn't a silly habit you can overlook. This is your livelihood and well being. Caring about how you are going to pay rent/utilities and eat does not make you a selfish or shallow person. It makes you a realist. Wonder if a kid comes into the picture later on? It will only get worse.
Your guy needs to prove to you he can be a provider, a partner and a helpmate. That's the simple truth. He also needs to show you he can support your pursuits and passions -- just as you've supported his lack of work for the last several months. He needs to show you he can take care of you and whomever else comes along. It's not old fashioned. It's not shallow. It's how marriage works.
Think long and hard about your next move. You shouldn't go into marriage with a strike against you -- and if you married him now, that's what you'd be doing. Your goals, your ambitions, etc -- they're all important -- and you two, as a couple -- as partners have to agree to what you're working towards. If only one is working, then um ... you're not going to get very far and your burdens will only get heavier and heavier -- especially if all he does is sit on his fat ass on the couch every single day eating potato chips.
OK. So that last line was uncalled for -- but I couldn't help it. Good luck to you and please let me know what you decide. I'm here if you need me!
We've Had Sex, Now What?
Dear Dee:
There is a guy I have been consistently dating for about 2 months. We have seen each other at least 1-2 times a week.
We have taken things pretty slow. About a week ago, he seemingly was growing closer emotionally to me, as he was expressing it in the way he spoke/texted me. So this last weekend, we did have sex.
He texted me the later the following afternoon saying he had a good time, etc. He texted me later on that evening to see what I was doing and we communicated a bit more. The next day I heard nothing from him all day, which made for the first day of not hearing from him at all.
This morning, he emailed me at work saying good morning and have a good day, and offered to tell me that he was feeling ill the day before (as to let me know why he didn't call me). Should I be concerned? Is he showing premature signs of distancing himself?You've brought sex into the equation. Now you're attached in a way that makes you grasp at straws -- and makes you a little desperate (sorry, it's how us women are made!). I can't think of any other way to put it. This is how most women feel when they have sex with someone outside of a 'committed' relationship!
And in order to justify the fact we jumped in the sack, we sometimes start feeling a little needy and overly sensitive to a guy's perfectly normal actions. To put it bluntly, once you give it up, what's left of the 'mystery' and the 'sexual tension'? ... Now it's all about sustainability and whether or not there were real feelings in the relationship in the first place.
... So back off a little. Don't smother this guy. If you want to be with him and see where your relationship could go, you need to step back, breathe and play it right or you will run him off.
He could very well be having some issues, too -- especially if this is the first relationship either of you have been in in awhile. Don't let your insecure sensitivities get the best of you! Take it easy and use this time to evaluate what you want and what you want to happen next.
Turn the tables on him! And instead of being the one with fingers ready to text, let him wait it out and YOU play it coy and cool. There is no rule that says after sex, the guy has all the power ... in fact, shouldn't it be the opposite?? (ha)
Remember, you're not desperate. If he does bump up the conversations again and starts calling, then great. But if he doesn't, use this experience as a learning opportunity. And take some time off from the dating scene to really think about who you are and what you represent.
I don't know you're experience or your story is, but I do know life change is difficult. And it's in these times, if we truly seize the opportunity, we can redefine who we are -- for better or worse.
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