Morning After Regrets Cause Tears

Dear Dee:
I love the site! You always give good advice.

But my problem is, I had protected sex, and I feel guilty I'm not married to my lover yet. I don't want to get married until I'm in my 20's, but I just couldn't wait.

But I loved my boyfriend so much, I didn't want to risk waiting too long and have us break up before we did anything. But I am to the point where I am nearly crying because I didn't wait for marriage.

Here's a hug for confidence.

OK. Let's get something straight. You could've waited. You just didn't. Be honest with yourself. If this guy was the one, he would've waited, too. And really, it kind of sounds like you don't think he's the guy for you. You said it yourself you didn't want to risk waiting too long and have you two break up without doing anything. And frankly, that's what you're supposed to do! You're supposed to WAIT for the right one!

But anyway, admit these things to yourself and then forgive yourself. It's not the end of the world. Take the way you feel right now and remind yourself of it when you're thinking of throwing virtue to the wind. You are worth waiting for. You really, really are. But the first person you have to convince is YOURSELF. Also, remember WHY you want to wait ... and the answer to this is ... Because it's the right thing to do!

Seriously. There is nothing you can do about what you've done. But you can recommit to abstinence and this time make it a commitment you're not going to break. Talk to your boyfriend about this and let him know how important it is to you to keep this commitment. If he cares about you then he'll understand your decision to wait and he'll totally respect it.

So now dry those tears. You've got some thinking to do.

Warding Off Nightmares a Psalm Away

Dear Dee:
Someone I know has really bad nightmares. It's to the point where they will wake up at night, crying or so shaken about the nightmare they can't go back to bed.

It's not just once in a while, it's every night and these nightmares are horrible. They are not your normal nightmare, my friend has told me about some of them, and horrible things happen in them.

Is there anything that can be done to make this stop? Or help it go away? Thanks!

I am not a trained therapist or a psychiatrist who can 'read' into emotional reasons behind nightmares. But from my own experience, I can share what I did during a time in my life when nightmares seriously plagued my sleep.

I had some pretty weird stuff going on in my life and it was troubling me and I was really hurting emotionally. I had nightmares every single night about bad things happening to my family and to others I cared a lot about. They were violent and scary.

Now, maybe I should've sought professional help. But I was young and didn't. (Maybe your friend should ...) So I did something that literally just came to me in the middle of the night after a nightmare. And eventually, they went away. I quoted to myself, Psalms 23.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever."

I promise you I had the most restful sleep after doing this. I'd repeat it to myself until I fell asleep and most of the time I didn't even make it to the end.

Now again, your friend may need some professional help. I don't know her whole situation. But I do know there is comfort in this scripture and there is protection. And that protection even includes the fear that comes from dreams and nightmares.

I wish you and your friend the best and most of all, sweet dreams.

Even Cheerleaders Get Pregnant

Dear Dee:
I know this is more than likely how every girl's message starts out ... I had unprotected sex. I'm 16 and my boyfriend just turned 19. We've been together for a year in December and I think I'm pregnant.

I'm a smaller person. I'm about 5'1 or 5'2'. I weigh about 110lbs and I'm a cheerleader. I don't know what to do.

Well, thankfully, most of the questions I get from girls DO NOT start the way yours did. But regardless, I am here to help -- especially in desperate situations.

The first thing you have to do is find out for sure if you are pregnant. Buy an over-the-counter pregnancy test, go to the doctor or go to a free clinic that offers tests. You've got to find out for sure before you can figure out what's next.

If you're not pregnant, thank your lucky stars you dodged a life-changing bullet and straighten up your act.Step 1: Dump the adult boyfriend who's not smart enough to wear a condom (you do know it's actually illegal for you two to be dating and/or having sex?) Realize that you're not old enough to be dealing with the adult situations/emotions/responsibilities that having sex brings to the table. And get your priorities straight. Finish school. Enjoy cheerleading and don't get involved in situations you're not ready for or equipped to handle yet. Be smart!

If you are pregnant, it's time to sit down and have a talk with your parents and your boyfriend. It's also time for you to realize your decisions now involve more than one person and affect more than one person.

Many girls in your situation make different decisions. Deciding what's right for you is up to you. This decision can only be made with trusted council and consideration. Don't do anything hastily or without thinking it through. I do not support abortion -- so I will not discuss that option, but of course adoption or raising the child yourself are viable, but extremely difficult options; each accompanied with their own rewards and sacrifices.

I encourage you to contact the family crisis hotlines I have listed here on Dear Dee. Surround yourself with a support group of people who can help advise you and who truly have your best interests at heart. Find such people through your local church, your own family and within your circle of friends.

I really wish you the best of luck and want to know what happens when you take the test. I am here to support you -- as most of my readers know, I was a 16-year-old mom. And I know how important it is to have a strong support system in place.

Read my Teen Pregnancy Story here. And just maybe, you can draw some encouragement through it.

SI, Depression Make Life Seem Hopeless

Dear Dee:
Please help me.

I don't know what to do with myself. I was diagnosed with depression about 4 years ago and I was sent to a psychiatrist. He was less than helpful: He told me I was wacko, crazy, a nut job; He told me I didn't really have friends and people only hung out with me to see how normal they were in comparison.

He made me feel worse and worse. I hated seeing him and then one day, he physically hurt me to prevent me from leaving a session early. That was the last straw and I stopped seeing him. He continued to fill my medication prescriptions for another 6 months or so without seeing me. Then my parents told me he wouldn't fill any more prescriptions unless I saw him again.

I refused and the meds stopped (this was about 18 months ago). After only 2 months off the meds, I was miserable again and started hurting myself again. I've been hurting myself almost 5 years and the longest I've even gone in between is those 6 months when I was on the meds and not seeing the psychiatrist.

I burn myself with matches and with salt and ice. Lately it's been getting worse and worse, both the depression and the SI. I don't care about my grades, I don't care about anything. I haven't applied to colleges and I'm graduating in June. I know I need help but I'm afraid to go to a psychiatrist again, what with my past experience.

I'm afraid to even talk to my parents at all, to even hint that maybe I'm not OK. I get really scared about talking. Often I can't even bring myself to ask for something as trivial as a ride to a friend's house, let alone tell them that I'm depressed and hurting myself and kind of feeling like dying (I'm not going to kill myself. I just don't really care if I die).

I'm afraid to call a hotline (will the number show up on my parent's phone bill?). I can't talk to a guidance counselor without getting suspended from school for being "a danger to myself or others". I don't even really know if I want to stop hurting myself. It helps so much.

I'm so desperate, I'm thinking about trying pot or something to make everything stop hurting. I know that's really stupid and will only make things worse in the long run. I could never bring myself to talk to a dealer anyway. But things are bad.
I just don't know what to do.

You know, I don't even come close to having the expertise to help you deal with the problems you have. You admit you have a problem and I am so glad you reached out to me for help. But on that front, all I can do is urge you to seek professional help -- whether it be through a one of the help hotlines here (No, it won't show up on a bill because the numbers I offer are 800 numbers) or through a counselor at school. The counselor at school is not there to condemn you -- he/she is there to help you. Still, if you are not comfortable talking to someone at school, how about reaching out to a local youth pastor at a church? A youth leader could give you some guidance spiritually, emotionally and is trained to help you with your SI problems, too. I encourage you, please get help as soon as possible.

And while I don't want to come off as just feeding you a line, I do want you to know you are a very special person. I don't know you, but what I do know is there is not a single person on this earth who is like you. I know that you have a beautiful purpose in your life and that God made you and only you with that purpose in mind. So don't belittle your self worth by continually hurting yourself and diminishing the value of your life by saying you don't care if you die.

I know it seems hopeless. But there is more than hope out there for you -- there is true meaning. And that meaning will begin to be seen once you get help and start to see things clearly. Trust in it because I promise you, it is there.

Please get help. You've already taken the step to ask me for it -- and while I can't solve your problems, I do feel I am supposed to tell you that you're important and that God has a purpose for you. Now, your next steps are to accept it and seek it.

I really want to know how you are doing, so please keep me posted and let me know where you've turned for help. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily.

My Boyfriend's a Druggie

Dear Dee:
I've been seeing this guy for awhile, and I love him a lot, but he does drugs. I don't like it and I've confronted him about it before, but he likes doing them too much to stop. I don't want to make him pick between pot and me. My friends want me to be happy but think I should dump him...and whenever I talk to our mutual friends I hear about my boyfriend's crazy weekend of getting high. He's constantly blowing me off or making excuses about how he can't see me. It just makes me sad. What should I do?

You should most definitely get out of this relationship. No good can come of it and I guarantee you it will just bring you down -- or worse, get you started on drugs, too. A person can only take so much pressure from the one she loves before she caves. And your life -- your future -- is worth so much more than this end for you.

No matter how much you love him, you can't make him change. And when we try to change someone, all of a sudden we realize the only person who's changed is us. We've changed our value system, your believes and done nothing but make excuses to validate why we've stayed in the relationship for as long as we have.

Don't you realize you don't deserve being blown off on date night so your guy can get high? Don't you realize you should be making memories with your boyfriend -- and he should actually be able to remember them. But instead, he's frying his brain cells and can't remember what he did the night before.

Here's the deal. You know what to do. You don't need me to tell you. But I will ... DUMP HIM. And remember, you will most definitely get over the heartache associated with the relationship ending ... BUT he'll NEVER get over the damage he's doing to his brain ...

Hey, to get someone else to state the obvious for ya, try calling one of our hotlines ... or better yet, when you dump this guy give the hotlines to him and tell him to get help. ... Here they are ...

Pregnant 15-Year-Old Seeks Encouragement

Dear Dee:
I came across your page while surfing the internet for any advice on my current situation.

I'm 15 and expecting my son April 14th. I've always been the girl who found some way to screw up. I was never a role model and now I have to be. It was hard to stop the drug use, alcohol and even smoking, but I thought to myself each time I wanted any of that that it was all worth it!

I'm having this baby, this bundle of joy to call my own. It wasn't planned, I had no intention on giving birth to a child while being a sophomore. Things are going well though, my mom and I have reconciled after our dying relationship was on the verge of nonexistence. We've grown and gotten closer. She's the only one I have through this whole thing.

But I don't know how to be a good mom if everyone in the world looks down on me for being so young.

Girls like you are the reason I do this, honey. And while I can't tell you everything is going to be easy and I can't give you all the answers, but I will encourage you and lift you up in my thoughts and in my prayers every single day ... that, I promise.

You are so young to have to live with the consequences of bad decisions and irresponsibility, but know that everything happens for a purpose and it is now your responsibility to seek out that purpose and be the best mother you can be. You don't know how? Don't worry. This is where you surround yourself with people who can help. Find them at your local church, your hospital's parenting support group and even right here on 'Dear Dee.'

Every single time you think of drinking, taking drugs or doing anything that is reflective of your former life, remember that every single thing you do affects another person and YOU are the only person who can bring this child into this world healthy and happy.

With your mother's help, work towards bettering yourself. Don't think just because you're a 15-year-old mom, you can't finish school and make something out of yourself. This is 100 percent not true. It will most definitely be more difficult for you than it is the average girl, but it is still extremely possible. You can rise above the statistics and the whispers of people who don't know any better -- and you can make it through this with your head held high. Work hard. Cry when you need to and do not be ashamed of who you are and what you are striving to become.

I feel, by reading your email, you get the huge responsibility you now have. But I also feel it would be easy for you to fall into your former life. I'd encourage you to build a support group of people you trust who can help you. Find these people outside your normal circle of friends and ask them to help you walk the straight and narrow. Ask them to council you, encourage you and to tell you the truth when you might be heading down the wrong path. Find these people at a church or maybe at a parenting group your local hospital might have. DON'T lose heart no matter what happens. (I know I said this earlier, but it is so important I wanted to repeat it!)

Know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that YOU are beautifully and wonderfully made and that everything -- EVERYTHING -- happens for a purpose. And you and your child have a calling and a place on this earth. Remember how special you are and how special your unborn child is. No matter what mistakes you've made, nothing changes that. And with this baby, from here on out, totally renounce the 'girl who always finds a way to screw up' and commit to make good, strong, solid responsible decisions. YOU CAN DO IT. I have faith in you.

PLEASE keep me informed. And if you can, even send me a picture of your sweet boy. I will, I promise, keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

As a side note, did you read my Teen Pregnancy Story? I hope it can encourage you.

I send you tons of hugs.

Being Overly Conscious About Weight

Dear Dee:
I am a sophomore and under 100 pounds (96-99 pounds- fluctuate). I sometimes feel like I'm fat.

I feel like if I get to 100, people are gonna start calling me fat. Even though they say I'm a stick or twig, it doesn't help make me feel skinny. Does this mean I have an eating disorder? I'm not bulimic because I don't throw up on purpose. It just happens when I get really nervous or excited. It also happens when I eat too much or when I don't eat enough.

I'm not really anorexic because I don't starve myself. I just eat when I'm hungry, which isn't a lot. How do I control being conscious about my weight?

I can't tell you if you have an eating disorder -- that's just something that's beyond my expertise.

What you should take to heart is what your doctor says. Does he/she tell you you're underweight or overweight? What does your doctor say is your ideal weight? This is who you should listen to. And if you haven't spoken to him or her about how you feel regarding eating, gaining weight and about your throwing up, then you need to immediately. Don't mess around with this. Your doctor can set your mind at ease about your weight and even give you a very specific diet that will help you stay on track with your weight while still gaining the proper nutrients your body needs to function and continue to grow. So please, ask your parents to make you an appointment. Please, do it now. There's no sense worrying about something when all you have to do is ask someone who can give you the answers you need.

And, at the very, very least, feel free to contact someone at one of our hotlines.

Making Him Like Me & Losing Weight

Dear Dee:
Hi, I am a girl in need of advice! I am overweight and I can't get this guy I like to like me back! What should I do?

I want a good diet to help me lose weight and I can't find one. Any suggestions? Also how do I get this guy to like me?

Hey, you shouldn't have to work to make someone like you. And you shouldn't want to be with anyone who can't accept you for who you are and like you effortlessly. Seriously! So don't do anything with the intention of making this guy or anyone else like you. Just be yourself. And have enough pride and self-worth to realize someone who has to be 'convinced' to like you isn't the kind of friend, boyfriend or even acquaintance you want.

Where your weight is concerned, it's best to consult your doctor about a sensible, healthy weight loss plan. Of course, just watching what you eat and exercising are the staples of healthy weight loss, but he/she might be able to give you some other great tips/guidelines. Good luck!

14 & Going Downhill Fast

Dear Dee:
Well I'm going through the point in my life where everything is going down hill.

I told my best friend something and now she won't even talk to me. I don't know what to do about that. And the biggest problem I am having is my relationships with girls. I just got a girlfriend but it was only because I told my friend I was lonely and she set me up with this girl.

I am only 14 and I need help with these things. Please help me.

I can't imagine what you told your friend to make her not talk to you anymore. It doesn't seem she was a true friend -- as one of the hallmarks of being a great friend is being a listener and confidant. I am very sorry you had to learn her friendship was false in this way, during this time in your life. My advice to you would be to let her go and do your best to move on. The loss of her friendship is a blow, but at least you now know where she stands. I am very sorry.

And your friend set you up ... so what! That happens all the time. If you and the girl click, then great! Don't belittle your relationship just because you got a jump start from someone else's introduction. If you like her and she likes you then that's all that matters. So enjoy it! Have fun, make friends and enjoy this time in your life.

At 14, life has its ups and downs. So don't give up and lose hope. You've found out a few crappy things and you've been betrayed by a friend. This sucks, but it will get better. It really will. Believe it and don't lose hope.

13 & I'm Invisible

Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and recently it feels like everyone has just been leaving me out. Not too long ago, my friend and I got into a fight. When we apologized and made up she said she lied about me being boring but when I confronted her about it she then said that I was boring but a fun type of boring.

I understood but I still felt like it was my fault she has to put up with me.

Then recently my parents have been getting angry with me for everything I seem to do. They also decided we'd move sometime in March and start looking for a house this week and the next. And when I told them my opinions about why I didn't like the house they didn't even listen.

All they can think about is making money. And it feels like they haven't been listening to me at home either. Nobody seems to care about what I have to say. I want to just lock away my words, but when I tried so many years ago because all the other kids were picking on me, my parents grounded me for being rude and not listening or answering them.

I'm the only vegetarian in the house too, but my parents are always lecturing me about how it's not right or healthy, or how animals are meant to be eaten. Now all I want to do is cry, drop out of school, and wait to die. I don't know what to do.

Parents sometimes think they're doing all they can to act in your best interests, but forget that sometimes, all we really need is to just be heard. Ultimately the decision is theirs -- where we live, where we move to and other life-altering decisions rest in their domain until we reach 18 and move out -- but still, it's nice to know they take the time to hear our opinions.

Especially in this case, I would urge you to tell your parents you really need to talk to them -- not only about your moving situation but about how you feel they aren't letting you in on key decisions. Tell them you understand they don't have to do what you want, but let them know you would like to be heard and considered -- as a viable, contributing member of the family.

Now, you kinda shoot yourself in the foot so to speak if you don't approach this with a respectful and obedient attitude. You must admit to knowing they have authority over you -- and that you respect that. And you also must admit to knowing they will do what's best for you in the end. But show them you're able to make rational decisions and not stomp off when you're disagreed with. That you'd welcome a dialogue.

OK. Now onto your friend ... I hate to say it, but a friend doesn't tell another friend she's ... BORING. That's just uncool. So let's ditch this sister and find some friends who appreciate you for who you are.

Remember you're going through a lot of changes right now -- you're new to the teen-age thing and you're hormones are racing! New experiences and change surround you -- so you're bound to feel like you're out of your element and downright out of control of what's happening.

Dropping out of school, harming yourself or even deciding to curl up and wait it out are all cowardly responses to what's happening in your life right now. And the remark you made about wanting to die is also an overreaction to what's going on. Meet it dead on and take charge of what's happening in your life emotionally. Talk to an adult you trust or contact a professional on one of our hotlines.

I want you to know you are important. Your opinion matters and you have tons of exciting adventures ahead of you -- don't go off the deep end emotionally right now because of some trials -- show you can muster up the strength to get through this. Get some help and be stronger for asking for it. You'll find you understand yourself better once you get through this and you'll be able to look back on it as a huge learning experience. I know you can do it. And I know you can work through it. I will be thinking of you. And please, let me know how it all works out.

Sick, In Love & Don't Know What To Do

Dear Dee:
I'm in grade 11, in an all academic and pre-AP program, getting great grades, with more friends than I can count, parents who (for the most part) love and support me, and I'm pretty and well-liked.

But some reason I'm not happy. I can't seem to find anything that really makes me enjoy life. I mean, I can have fun and laugh a bit when I'm with my friends, but the second they're not around I get really upset. I've been crying every day when I get home from school, and lashing out at my friends and parents.

I don't have a lot of energy, and I've been getting sick a lot. I'm really confused about what's wrong and what to do. I know one of the reasons why I'm so upset, but it's not the whole cause, because I'm mostly fine about it.

I'm in love (and I really do mean in love, not just crushing) with a guy. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I know he's the one for me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We've known each other since we were kids and we used to be great friends, but lately we've been drifting apart.

He lives really far away, so I only get to see him once a year (I won't get to see him this year though, because I'm doing an exchange to France,) and he never talks to me online. I'll try to start conversations and all I get are one-word answers.

I'm worried he might not want to talk to me either because I'm younger than him (he's a college freshman, and two years older than me) or because he's so self-conscious. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm pretty and he's kind of plain, plus I know he's insecure about his appearance. Plus his high school average was a C, and every time we visit my dad brags about my grades. Is there anything I can do to get him back as a friend?

I'm not even going to bother going for girlfriend because I know that won't work right now, but I really want to stay his friend.

Love can definitely make you feel a little off emotionally, physically and in every other way possible -- but I wouldn't say that is 100 percent why you're feeling the way you are. I encourage you to talk to an adult you trust. If you're not comfortable with that, maybe try to talk to your school nurse or maybe contact someone on one of our hotlines. Don't mess around with your emotional health. Go ahead and talk to someone.

Now about the guy ... Seriously, I only know a handful of guys who are avid communicators when you're not in a face-to-face situation. Most don't tend to be great on the phone, or at returning emails or IMs. It sucks to generalize all guys like this, but I seriously believe it's true!

If you like him and you think he's pulling away, maybe it's time to shake things up a bit and let him know you actually like him. Sometimes when a relationship seems to 'stall,'it needs a little shaking up -- and nothing can shake it up like a revelation of love.

OK OK. Don't actually tell him you think you're in love with him. But go ahead and let him know that he's on your mind and you think you'd like to take your friendship to the next level. Hey, it's not perfect -- but sometimes you've just got to put yourself out there.

Don't forget you're going to have to face a huge hurdle because of the long-distance issue. So think long and hard before putting it out there. The distance and fact you can only see each other once a year and sometimes not at all, kind of already dooms your relationship. Be smart. After thinking about it, you might just have to resign yourself to realizing this particular relationship can't ever really go anywhere.

But hey, it's your call. You have to decide if it's worth a try ...

Good luck to you and please take my advice on your health problems. I really think you should see someone.

Possibly Pregnant & Totally Screwed Up

Dear Dee:
Some of my friends told me that you knew how to give advice on being pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been going out a few months and, well, I've skipped my period. I think I am pregnant and the thing is I don't really care if I am.I know I can just have the baby and my parents will take care of it.

I figure it will just hold up my social life for a couple months, but then all should be back to normal. So, is there anything special I should know about being pregnant?

Hey, hold on a minute ... I have to go do something before I finish responding ... be right back ...

OK back now I had to go check my rule book to make sure I can actually say what I am going to say ...and it says go for it. So before I do, know that I write this in love and compassion, because I care.

... ... WAKE UP SILLY, FOOLISH GIRL. Who the heck do you think you are talking about a baby as casually as you would about which outfit you're going to wear on a date?

I don't even know you, and in the brief, two paragraphs you wrote me, I feel like I have you pegged: You sound selfish, unfeeling, totally irresponsible and outright ridiculous. It is girls like you who have children, leave others to raise them and wonder why those kids end up in jail, dead or so screwed up they spend more than half their lives in therapy.

So, first off take a pregnancy test. If you're not pregnant, no one will be happier for you than me. If you are, take it seriously and talk to someone you trust immediately to get some help -- you need a reality check and while I'd be happy to give you one, my little tongue lashing on this blog I am sure isn't going to be enough. So try one of our hotlines or sit down with a responsible adult.

I really do wish you the best and hope you can straighten up to make strong, healthy decisions -- decisions you won't regret in the future and decisions that won't screw you or your possible child up.

By the way, if you're not too pissed right now, tell your friend I said 'thanks' for the reference. The reason she told you to talk to me was probably because she read MY Teen Pregnancy Story... Yes, I was a teen mom. So, I do know all about it.

Family Doesn't Accept Me

Dear Dee:
I'm 16 year old. I'm a girl trapped in a boy's body. I'm a transsexual. I came out to my mom over a year ago, and she pretty much hates the idea of it, and wants me to be a boy.

My brother isnt very accepting either, he just keeps telling me how I'm a boy and just some stupid teenager with problems.

I live with my mom and her parents. I came out to my grandma and she's okay with me. But my grandpa? It would break his heart to hear his prized grandson is not a boy at all. And I dont know if i should tell him or just
wait tell im 18 and dissapear forever.

Also my mom has almost banned me from going to girls houses. I have a huge amount of girl friends and all of them are so accepting of me.

It's so increadibly torturing. It's the worst pain ever. Plus every boy in the school totally overlooks me, because they can't see I'm a girl, they all just see me as that really smart shy guy who acts oddly feminine. Any Advice?

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry for the pain you're going through and the confusion you're facing. I know it doesn't make it any easier that your family simply won't help you through this time -- that they are closed-minded about it.

I think the worst thing a family can do, when a loved one comes to them with confusion and identity issues is to simply give their opinion and not leave any room at all for understanding or encouragement. This is what I feel you're facing.

Unfortunately, knowing how to advise you in dealing with this is beyond my expertise and experience. What I can tell you though is YOU are responsible for your choices and for defining yourself to the world. YOU have the power to choose who you want to become, what you will make of yourself and how people will respect and see you.

With this in mind, waiting until you're 18 and then disappearing seems to me to be the wrong option. You have to stand up for yourself, demand respect for your decisions (especially if you feel they are the right ones) and let people know you don't need their APPROVAL to be who you KNOW you are. You just ask for their acceptance and support. This particularly pertains to your loved ones. If having a heart-to-heart with your mom isn't necessarily in the cards, I'd say having a 'mom, you listen, I am talking' discussion with her is.

Let your family know how important they are to you. Let them know that you understand what you're telling them is shocking and unconventional. And let them know you understand their struggle with it -- as you are going through the same struggle yourself. Again, let them know their approval isn't required ... but their acceptance and support would be appreciated.

I'd encourage you to reach out to one of the hotlines I have listed to get some professional advice and talk through some other options. I wish I were equipped to better help, but I hope what I have suggested gives you some comfort.

Good luck to you.

She Doesn't Want to Grow Up

Dear Dee:
First and foremost, I applaud what you do for all of us crazy, lost people. I appreciate everything you've done to help them through their problems.

Well, this is a minor problem compared to most people out there in the world, but occasionally it does tend to eat away at me from the inside. My problem? I'm literally afraid of growing up.

Yeah, I know everyone has to go through it and it's a natural part of life, but there's something in me that doesn't accept the 'image' of growing and going through the teenage years. Anything I associate with teen years, I shun.

Every time I get called a 'teenager' in a stereotypical way, I get upset, offended, and I sometimes completely deny being anything like a 'typical teen.' If this info helps any -- I'm 15 now.

It's most definitely not a problem for you to take offense at being called a 'typical' teen. Stereotypes are discouraged in all other groups of people, so why should adults stereotype all teens? Seems fair that this particular group should be considered as individual and unique as the people who are a part of it. Adults should be more sensitive to that. Thanks for bringing it to the forefront.

A 'teen' is simply a person ages 13-19. And beyond that, each person in the group is individual and has varying interests. YES, there are popular, mainstream items loved by large numbers of the teen population, but there are many who have interests as far from the main as possible.

So embrace the fact that you're one of them. Being a teen is just an age. What you make of it and are interested in is entirely up to you. You control how fast you grow up -- and the fact you don't want to go from childhood to adulthood in one swoop is fantastic. Continue to define who you are by developing strong friendships, embracing your interests, growing and maturing. Continue to take your time and don't worry about what others say because you've chosen to take things slowly.

And most importantly, don't be scared. Yes, growing up is a natural part of life and it can be way freaky sometimes. But don't let your fear stall this process. Just go with the flow and mature at your own pace.

I feel like embracing the changes your going through will be your biggest challenge. And this could be due to the fact you've had a more sheltered life. But do the best you can to get out, hang out and experience what you can (within reason). Talk to your parents or an adult you trust about what you're feeling and don't hesitate to write again with some updates.

Remember, growing up isn't a bad thing -- but growing up too fast is. I am thrilled you're taking your time.

She's With Him, But Loves Me?

Dear Dee:
The girl I like admitted she liked me but at that time, she had a boyfriend. She broke up with her boyfriend, but didn't want to jump into another relationship.

Well, we both worked on our school's fall musical together and our relationship got closer and closer. Then she met this other guy, who is sort of a friend of mine. She was immeadiatly attracted to him. After a confusing couple months she chose him over me -- even though she still loves me.

The other day I cut myself. Right after that, I realized how stupid I was. I took the knife I used and gave it to a friend of mine. I told him to give it back when I was sane. I trust him to know when that is. My question is, what now? I just can't let go no matter how hard I try. I need an answer soon. Here's hoping you've got some advice.

Seriously? This girl chose another guy but told you she still 'loves you'?

I am sorry. She's playing you and simply telling you what you want to hear. She's still stringing you along while she goes off and does whatever she wants with whomever she wants. She's keeping you right where she wants you so she can fall back on you if something goes wrong. She knows you'll be there when she calls. Honey, this is very uncool and you deserve much better. What you need to do now is show her she can't play these types of games with you and you're NOT her 'beck and call boy.'

I know it's hard for you to get over what this girl has done since she's been dangling a a possible relationship in front of you for awhile, but it really is best for you to realize that a girl who does this to you -- who can't shoot straight with you isn't worth your time.

And while this realization is painful, cutting yourself is NOT the answer. She is one girl in a world full of young ladies who won't lead you on and won't lie to you. I am really glad you came to the conclusion cutting wasn't a good idea, but the fact you tried it still worries me. I encourage you to talk to an adult you trust about it or contact someone on the other end of one of the hotlines listed here.

Worried About Suicidal Friend

Dear Dee:
My friend has been somewhat depressed after his girlfriend broke up with him, but he seemed like he was getting better.

He and his ex remain friends and they walk to and from school together. Just recently he told his ex girlfriend that he was planning to commit suicide. This really worries me but no one else seems to be concerned.

He keeps saying "I'm better. I won't kill myself... unless" he always has some exception. He promised us that the next time he wants to kill himself then he won't tell anyone he'll just do it.

He refused to sign up for the school shrink and he says he told his mom, but she just told him he didn't have the courage. What can I do to help my friend?

If you're seriously worried about your friend, you've got to talk to an adult you trust and get them involved. You said your friend won't talk to the school counsellor -- so again, if you're worried, talk to the counsellor for him.

The bottom line is it's never a good idea to disregard it when someone says they're going to kill themselves. Whether or not the person has the 'courage' there is more than likely an underlying issue that is causing the person to act in this disturbing manner. And if your friend is just talking this way in order to get attention, it's extremely insensitive and immature.

If you read other posts where people have asked about suicide, I always say 'suicide is a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem.' It's the truth, right? So depending on how close you are to this friend, sit down and just let him have it. Let him know how foolish it is for him to talk this way and how desperate it sounds. Gauge whether you feel he is really serious or just after attention. Then, take next steps accordingly.

Remember though, this isn't all on you. You have to ask for help. You can even try contacting a few of our hotlines to get some ideas. Because while I am full of passionate opinions, I am not a psychiatrist.

Dee's Not a Doc ...

Dear Dee:
This was recommended by my sis.....I have been so tired lately and I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm getting fatter and thinner....do U know what's up? I mean I haven't even started my period yet...I don't mean to be like a patient poser it's just I don't have time for the doctor.

Well, I am most definitely not a doctor and wouldn’t even venture a guess on what could be going on. I encourage you to see a doctor as soon as you can. And if you feel your schedule won’t allow it, talk to a school nurse or call one of the hotlines listed.

Don’t mess around with your health. Seriously.

Ex Pot-head Speaks Out

Dear Dee:
I am a 51-year-old father of four children and have six grandchildren. I have some advice for people who are potheads.

I was a pot head for 20 years and quit. I have been clean for 13 years now and am glad I quit. I almost lost my wife, my family and my profession for a stinkin' BUZZ.

The pot use took almost 75 percent of my memory and it has taken 13 years to get back 60 percent of it. I really don't know if I WILL EVER BE NORMAL AGAIN.

The effect of chronic pot use is now tied to early dementia. And who knows what else it does to your brain.

Please tell the young people of this generation that it is not worth it.

Sir, we really thank you for giving us some real-life perspective on this. We all wish you the best and admire you for being able to pull yourself out of a destructive habit. We're thankful you realized the consequences and quit when you did. While what you're describing is horrible, we do realize it could've been much worse. We're so glad you're still here with us to warn us.

Thanks!
Dee

13 & Already In Danger

Dear Dee:
I am 13 years old and last month I slept with this guy. The only reason I slept with this loser was because I was totally high and wasted out of my mind. Now I am pregnant with his kid!

Do I get an abortion, put the kid up for adoption or do I just keep the thing? Well let me know what to do because I haven't told my parents yet.

They still think I leave the house with pants, a cardigan and a pink bow in my hair. Haha yeah, right. Little do they know I change down the street into my mini skirt and tank top.

The other thing is that my boyfriend will kill me! He is 19 and says I am the only one for him! I really don't want to loose him!

OK. For someone who thinks so supremely highly of herself (you signed your email ‘the hottest girl ever') you sure have a funny way of showing it ... doing drugs, drinking and sleeping with random guys ... all at 13. Smart sweetie. Really, really smart.

You're totally cavalier attitude about the situation YOU have gotten yourself in just shows you have no idea of the seriousness of your actions and how they affect your future -- who you will become and what you can do with your life.

Your life is precious. You are an important person and you need to start treating yourself like it by respecting your body, your mind and your potential.

In this email alone, you've identified seven things that are sure signs you are on the wrong path:
-- You slept with a random guy you don't really like
-- You didn't use protection
-- You are now pregnant
-- You deceive your parents regularly
-- You're dating someone who is 19, and that's illegal
-- You're sleeping with the 19-year-old (which is a criminal action on his part)
-- You do drugs and drink.
-- You're 13 and totally, totally ruining your life.

Is this how you want to be defined? Is this how you want to ruin your life? It is a terrible, terrible waste and it saddens me. I know you have potential. I know you can turn this around. You've just got to make the decision to do it and realize you ARE worth something. YOU are important to this world and will be a valuable asset to it if you straighten yourself out. Please! Get help right away and make the choice to clean yourself up. Of course, I don't know what your exact home situation is and all that, but I do know you can rise above anything that's put in front of you -- you just have to be strong and choose to do so.

I can't tell you what to do with your baby. That's not my decision. You need to wise up and consider the consequences of all your options. DO NOT make any decision lightly. Really make sure you understand what is happening and know your decisions are final and you'll have to live with them for the rest of your life.

Talk to your parents. Depend on your parents. LISTEN to your parents. The time for fooling them is over. It's time to get serious help and you need them right now.

Find a mentor you can trust. Someone you can be accountable to for strong advice and someone who will set you straight when you start veering off the straight and narrow.

And lastly, dump that boyfriend. That's just wrong and you know it (and I bet your parents don't). YOU are worth much, much more. So live up to your nickname. And know that being the ‘hottest girl ever' is more than just looks. It's attitude, confidence, respect in yourself and smarts.

Afraid to Shine

Dear Dee:
I am self-conscious. I don't talk to people in school because I don't want anyone to judge me. I like guys, but I don't talk to them. I also have never been to a real unsupervised party. The worst thing is I never even know who hosts the parties. Can you help me not to be so nervous around people, please?

It sounds like you are your own worst enemy here. You're freaking out about what ‘might' happen. And that is the worst kind of fear. Seriously.

Living like this now will only lead to problems later in life. You've got to get out there and take some chances, even if you're nervous or scared. You'll win some, you'll lose some. But you've got to try.

People ARE going to judge you. Not because they should. But because that's just what some people do. What's important for you to remember is these judgments are meaningless unless you give them merit. What you think of yourself, what your close friends and family think of you -- that's what matters.

Have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer to this world. Look at it this way: By staying to yourself and giving into your fears, you're depriving US of your conversation, your contributions and your presence. Now that's pretty darn sad, isn't it?

You are valuable and have a lot to give. So hold your head up high and start getting out there. The rest will come (parties, dates, friends, boyfriends) if you take the first step.

Yes, you'll be nervous. Yes, you'll probably stumble a little, say something silly and mess up. BUT we all do. It's not the end of the world. They'll be many, many more times when you do exactly everything right and you feel great about it and you make the world go ‘WOW."

So don't stand in the corner. Come out and join the party. It's way fun ... promise.