Dear Dee:
I am a high school sophomore with a major crush on a senior. However, other than the mock trial team and seeing each other in the hallway, we rarely see each other, and her brother is one of my friends (not my best friend, but a friend nonetheless). I don't know if she's taken, but I can't just go up and say, "Hi, are you taken?". How can I go about approaching her, if at all?
No. you most definitely can’t walk up to her and ask if she’s taken. … Because first of all, that sounds stupid. You can however ask her if she has a boyfriend. Secondly, why not just ask her sibling? You’ve said you’re friends …
I don’t want to be the bearer of the harsh truth here, but generally, high school girls don’t date guys who are two years behind them in high school. Remember … girls tend to mature faster than guys. There’s more of a stigma for a girl to date a younger guy than there is for a guy to date a younger girl. Also, if she’s 18, it is actually against the law for her to date a minor … and anyway, it’s just kind of ….eeeeeeewwwwww. Sorry. Had to say it.
If you two were older, I wouldn’t say such things. Your age difference wouldn’t matter. But right now, it kind of does. There’s the social thing, there’s the legal thing and there’s also the fact she’s probably getting way into preparing for college. So from those standpoints alone, this relationship is kind of doomed. Maybe give it a few years and see what transpires. You never know. But right now probably isn’t the right time.
SORRY I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR …. I really am sorry.
Soph Guy ... Senior Girl ... Realistic?
Parents Pushing Prom Date
Dear Dee:
I've always thought dating to be overrated and so I've never got a date for any of our dances. Well, not until recently. Prom is a week away. My mom and family have put their foot down and told me I need a date in order to go to prom.
I spoke to some of my friends and it turns out they all have dates! This happens to me, my friends all end up getting dates and somehow I never get one. I took matters into my own hands and started asking guys.
I asked a guy I liked and ended up getting rejected. And now I know I won't get to go to prom.
I told my mom I couldn't get a date, and she told me I can. She said I have what it takes to get a date but I just don't want to because "I want to hurt her." I don't even see how that relates to prom, but now I feel really bad. Not only can I not get a date, but I'm letting my mom down.
I resorted to asking any guy, any guy at my school. Even guys I barely know, but no luck.
I'm starting to think my career has something to do with it. After focusing on acting/modeling, I've let my social life go to hell. I want to go to prom.
This is my only year to go because my family is moving to California and I want to go to prom. And with my luck, the only guy who would say yes to me would be a guy my parents don’t approve of – so I still wouldn’t be able to go.
How can I get a date? Hum. I would think your parents would be THRILLED you want to go to prom without a date. I can’t even tell you how many parents seem to really, really stress out over all the prom drama – not to mention the rumors and the well, the nightmares that come along with it.
I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know why your parents want you to get a date. But if you really feel you wanna go and they are being unfair to you, how about you sit down and give it to them straight! Let them know you’re just not that into dating right now – that you’re focused on your career and ambitions and being the student you can be. Tell them you really want to experience prom and don’t want to buy into all the pressure that comes with having a date BUT you don’t want to miss out on the fun.
Let your mom know you’re not trying to hurt her by not getting a date. That this actually has nothing to do with her at all. It’s just how you are and where you are right now in your life.
Who knows. Maybe your momma has some traumatic prom story – some repressed memories she fights back because she was dateless at the prom – not by choice – and she was made fun of. Who knows what’s behind her thinking. (Or … maybe she’s seen the movie ‘Carrie’ one too many times … but if that’s the case, tell her to watch ‘Pretty in Pink’ because great things happen to two people who go to the prom dateless …)
I do hope you can talk them around. I know you can if you go to them respectfully and talk to them in a way that shows them you’ve thought through this and have been trying to do what they’d like, but now you just need them to understand where you’re coming from. And hey, who knows … when the pressure’s off, maybe Mr. Adorable Prom Date will waltz right up to YOU during lunch and sweep you off your feet (but watch out … don’t drop that lunch tray).
Good luck and send pictures of the prom dress!
Wanna Date? Grow Up a Little
Dear Dee:
I have been dating this girl for about eight months but we have not declared we are boyfriend and girlfriend. We have been making out for awhile and we always almost get caught and it scares me whether it be by the cops or my parents. I have a lot of respect for girls but this time I went too far.
Here is my problem: Her grandfather had died and she said she did not want to be at her aunt’s house because it was too sad. So I drove out and picked her up. Her parents thought I was one of her friends just taking her home. We drove back to her empty house where we started making out and some other things. Her parents came home early so I had to run to her room to hide. I was terrified shivering in the dark of her room. I overheard her mom asking whose car was outside and the girl said I don’t know.
The only way out was through her window so I broke the screen on accident trying to escape. I ran to my car and got away! Eventually her parents found out it I was there and they were furious. The girl said if they would have found me I would not be alive seriously.
I did not talk to her for weeks until it was time to take her to a dance I asked her to. Her parents were no longer mad and I am off the hook but I am still afraid to see her parents at all or even hang out with her. They even ask if I want to watch a movie with their family. Why am I still afraid of her parents? A few things here: If you’re not mature enough to admit you’re dating a girl, then you shouldn’t be dating her. I mean seriously! Grow up. You can drive. You can hang out past dark … and you’re afraid to tell people you’re dating? Think through this. Maybe you’re not ready.
And hey, if you do decide you’re ready to date and you’re really into this girl, don’t worry about her parents. So you were at her house when you weren’t supposed to be … it’s not the end of the world. And believe me, parents have walked in on their kids doing much, much worse than what you were doing. They can handle it. Just own up to your mistake, apologize to them and then RESPECT their ground rules. You guys are young. And if you have to sneak around and are ashamed of what you’ve been doing when you’re making out and other stuff’ then you probably shouldn’t be doing that. You have a conscious for a reason … don’t ignore it Listen to it, be smart and most of all … act your age and have fun. Give her parents a chance. Go to a movie night over at her house! Show them you’re the kind of guy they want their daughter hanging with … not the kind who sneaks around, jumps out windows and then never shows his face again … because those are the kind of guys all of our mommas warn good girls about … And you don’t wanna be that guy.
Being Abused at Home
Dear Dee:
My step dad came about three years ago and he constantly shouts and swears at us and puts us down. On top of that, he hits us and kicks us.
I'm terrified of him and what he'll do if I tell. I seriously need help. My mum just sits there and watches. She doesn’t care. My dad is dead. My brothers are all I’ve got. I don’t want to hurt my mum but I want it to stop what can I do? You have got to get some help. You must talk to an adult you trust right away. Talk to a teacher. Go talk to your school counselor or the school principal or nurse. Go get some help. I am not trained to deal with situations like this, so this is the best advice I can give you … Get help and get it fast.
You don’t deserve to be abused. And you deserve to be safe and secure. Get help right away. Also, take advantage of the hotlines listed here. People on the other end of the phone can get you help and tell you where to go so you and your brothers will be safe.
Please call the hotlines now. I will keep you in my prayers.
He's Shifty & He Likes Me ... Yikes!
Dear Dee:
OK. So I'm kind of new at this whole asking for advice thing because I usually can handle my own problems. But I'm kind of in a pickle.
You see, there's this boy who is in the 8th grade. I am in the 7th. Tonight he told me he liked me and now things are all awkward between us and I don’t know if I like him back.
He's nice and all but is kind of shifty sometimes. And, he isn’t the cutest guy either. I mean looks aren’t everything to me, but they do matter. My friends don’t like him either. I don’t know what to do.Hey, I give you props for trying something new … Thanks for giving me a chance!
You know what … I think you actually DO know whether you like this guy … and the answer is … you don’t. It seems pretty obvious to me. He’s your friend but there things about him that have you keeping your guard up. For instance: Him being shifty. This tells me you know you can’t trust him and he’s rather unreliable. You don’t need that.
So your choices are to either let him down gently and try to maintain your friendship or wise up and stop hanging out with a ‘shifty’ person … because seriously … should you be?
I think not …
Mom's Cheating, Dad's Ignoring It
Dear Dee:
Turns out my mother really is cheating on my dad. I confronted her about it but she didn't deny it and she wouldn't admit it fully. Should I tell my father about what she's doing? So far only my two closest friends know.
I guess I'm OK, my parents don't talk to each other though. My dad tries to make it up to her.I don't think it's your place to tell your dad, but I also don't think your dad should be clueless about it either.
Your mom's gotta come clean to your dad. And she's got to get herself straightened out with you, too. You're gonna have to talk to her again. Let her know you can't stand by and watch what she's doing and how it is affecting your dad and your family vibe. You and your dad deserve better than what she's giving you and you both deserve the truth.
Whether or not they work it out is something I can't say. But let your mom know if she can get it together and tell the truth, the two of you will have a chance at rebuilding YOUR relationship. Because right now, she has to earn your trust and your respect again.
I am so sorry you're having to go through this.
Morning After Regrets Cause Tears
Dear Dee:
I love the site! You always give good advice.
But my problem is, I had protected sex, and I feel guilty I'm not married to my lover yet. I don't want to get married until I'm in my 20's, but I just couldn't wait.
But I loved my boyfriend so much, I didn't want to risk waiting too long and have us break up before we did anything. But I am to the point where I am nearly crying because I didn't wait for marriage.
Here's a hug for confidence.OK. Let's get something straight. You could've waited. You just didn't. Be honest with yourself. If this guy was the one, he would've waited, too. And really, it kind of sounds like you don't think he's the guy for you. You said it yourself you didn't want to risk waiting too long and have you two break up without doing anything. And frankly, that's what you're supposed to do! You're supposed to WAIT for the right one!
But anyway, admit these things to yourself and then forgive yourself. It's not the end of the world. Take the way you feel right now and remind yourself of it when you're thinking of throwing virtue to the wind. You are worth waiting for. You really, really are. But the first person you have to convince is YOURSELF. Also, remember WHY you want to wait ... and the answer to this is ... Because it's the right thing to do!
Seriously. There is nothing you can do about what you've done. But you can recommit to abstinence and this time make it a commitment you're not going to break. Talk to your boyfriend about this and let him know how important it is to you to keep this commitment. If he cares about you then he'll understand your decision to wait and he'll totally respect it.
So now dry those tears. You've got some thinking to do.
Warding Off Nightmares a Psalm Away
Dear Dee:
Someone I know has really bad nightmares. It's to the point where they will wake up at night, crying or so shaken about the nightmare they can't go back to bed.
It's not just once in a while, it's every night and these nightmares are horrible. They are not your normal nightmare, my friend has told me about some of them, and horrible things happen in them.
Is there anything that can be done to make this stop? Or help it go away? Thanks!I am not a trained therapist or a psychiatrist who can 'read' into emotional reasons behind nightmares. But from my own experience, I can share what I did during a time in my life when nightmares seriously plagued my sleep.
I had some pretty weird stuff going on in my life and it was troubling me and I was really hurting emotionally. I had nightmares every single night about bad things happening to my family and to others I cared a lot about. They were violent and scary.
Now, maybe I should've sought professional help. But I was young and didn't. (Maybe your friend should ...) So I did something that literally just came to me in the middle of the night after a nightmare. And eventually, they went away. I quoted to myself, Psalms 23.
"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever."
I promise you I had the most restful sleep after doing this. I'd repeat it to myself until I fell asleep and most of the time I didn't even make it to the end.
Now again, your friend may need some professional help. I don't know her whole situation. But I do know there is comfort in this scripture and there is protection. And that protection even includes the fear that comes from dreams and nightmares.
I wish you and your friend the best and most of all, sweet dreams.
Cocky Guy's Signals Hard to Decipher
Dear Dee:
There's a really hot guy I like, but I don't know how he feels about me because I'm having difficulty deciphering his actions as flirting or not.
I know he's overly confident, to the point of being cocky at times,(which I think is a front to an extent because he isn't very tall) but I don't know if that would make him act more bold, or uninterested.
Could you help me with your input? Yeah. Guy speak can be difficult to get a handle on, but if you're really stumped by it, then it's a good idea to just let it go for awhile.
Anyway, you admit above you think he's overly confident and cocky ... and my experience is this type of guy doesn't make a great boyfriend because he always wants to be the center of attention vs. giving his girl the attention she needs. Relationships are two-way streets and you don't need to be bending over backwards to service his ego.
So think about it, OK? Then, take a break from overly analyzing him. Try to look at what he does and the way he acts with your eyes wide open and get a sense of his personality and how he treats people.
Then, if you're still interested, start to find out if he's interested in a relationship. I think in this case, getting to know him first and observing his personality is a very smart step before you try to jump into anything.
Embarassed When Friends Talk Sex
Dear Dee:
I am 19 years old and in my second year of university. I found the transition from High School to University very difficult, but now that I'm in my second year, I feel much more comfortable. I have made few friends, but we're becoming very close and I'm so happy about that.
What I'm writing to ask advice for is, my friends are very open sexually. They talk about their hook-ups and experiences easily and are now wondering about me. The truth is, I'm 19 and NEVER been kissed!
I almost find it embarassing - I feel like a little girl when they talk ... they say stuff and I blush and do my best not to laugh, but on the inside, I feel left out and almost weird in a world where I see people kissing on the street corners and the who-knows-what at parties, and there I am, the loser who hasn't had a simple kiss!
Any advice for me?
Do NOT be embarrassed. And there is no reason in this world you should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, this world is totally screwed up when girls talk about their sexual exploits as casually as they talk about the sale at the shoe store. YOU are the one in the right here. These other girls are wrong. And while that's hard for you to see, it is the truth.
It absolutely sickens me how our society has made sex such a casual, conversational thing. It is disgusting how it is a symbol of status among guys and girls. It is VERY VERY wrong!
Let me tell you this: While you're sitting there, listening to the girls talk about their latest one-nighter, and acting like it was a conquest. What they're not telling you is how they're really burying the fact there was no emotional attachment. They’re not talking about the fact that even though they were 'protected,' there's still a part of them that wonders if they'll get pregnant or a disease. They're not talking about how they feel cheap and disgusting because the guy they had sex with probably doesn't even remember their names.
Oh oh ... and let's not forget this extremely disgusting fact: When people sleep around casually, each sexual encounter isn't just with one person, it's with pretty much every person that person has had sex with and so on and so on ... UGH! THAT IS SO SO SO SO GROSS!
OK. So we've talked about 'what they're not saying ...' now let's talk about what they're not doing, OK?
These girls aren't allowing themselves to experience something meaningful with their future husbands. They're not saving anything to give to the one person they are committing their lives to. They aren't realizing they are SPECIAL enough and WORTH WAITING FOR.
And you know what? You are! When you experience the kiss you'll know you're ready and you're mature enough to handle it. You'll know what you want in a guy and you'll be able to choose accordingly.
See, these girls deep down, know what they're doing is inappropriate and wrong. But when they talk about it and are able to share their experiences collectively, they're validating their behavior to themselves ... thinking that it's OK because others are doing it, too.
Don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. Not to be cliché, but you are a RARE jewel and the guy who finds you is so so so lucky. You are worth it. You are worth waiting for. And you're 'lack' of their type of experience is not a slight against you. And that's how you should portray it if you decide to tell them.
You're a great example. And you know what? I'm proud to know you!
Moving On Is Easier Said than Done
Dear Dee:
I'm the same girl who wrote the "He's Not Ready for a Relationship" post.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for your advice! It really helped me out... Well, me and this guy are still friends, but it just doesn't seem like it was before. We'd say smile and say hi to each other all the time, but I don't know! It's just weird...considering the fact that he said he still likes me. It's been so many weeks now, and I THINK I'm getting over him...Its taking time though because everything seems to remind me of him... Yeah, you're right about the whole "he should have told you he wasn't ready in the beginning" thing because he totally led me on!
When we started talking, he made it seem like he was going to ask me out or something, but now that he's broken the news to me, it had me thinking that I did or said something that made him change his mind.
I know I should be moving on and getting over him, but it's really difficult because I loved him a lot ... I still do ... and I don't think my feelings have faded away just yet.Listen, don't over-analyze this situation. It won't change it. All it will do is make you feel bad and doubt yourself. And you don't need that! Try really hard to think of other things when your mind starts wondering to the 'what ifs' and 'what happened' questions. What happened is, this guy is a weenie and it took him breaking your heart to find it out. And while that really sucks, it happens sometimes.
Just pick yourself up and realize that it's this guy's loss. And while it is hard to get over someone, you will ... and you will find someone else. If you need to stay away from him for awhile in order to heal, do it. And don't apologize for it! You've got to do what you have to do to help yourself move on. You are worth far better than him and you have a ton to offer a great guy ... don't lose heart.
First Boyfriend Brings True Drama to Life
Dear Dee:
I first want to say I love your site, and you give awesome advice. I hope you can help me with this, even though no one else has been able to.
A couple months ago, I got my first boyfriend. At first, he was everything. He was handsome, sweet, nice, and smart. Then, after about a month, I realized there was nothing attractive about him and he was a big jerk. After another month of doubting and sudden realizations of "I still like him." and "HE ANNOYS ME SO MUCH!" I finally decided to break up with him.
The final straw was when, in advisory, we were making these paper snowflakes as decorations, and he made one and gave it to one of my best friends, then called me a loner and dumb. Then, after a day full of drama that made me cry for the first time in school, after he told one of my friends he didn't care if I went out with him or not, and it didn't matter to him that I was breaking up with him, it was over.
He sent me an email asking what he did and that he wasn't mad at me. I sent him back an email telling him EXACTLY what he did wrong and how he was treating me badly (He also made fun of me and didn't want people to know that we were going out. I wouldn't say something like this unless it was really true, but he is a loser, and my popularity level at my school for a "sevie" is pretty high, so he probably would have gotten more friends if he had told people.) and he sent back an email pretty much saying I was overreacting, stupid, pathetic, and a b****.
I take a lot of offense at being called that, and I was really upset, since he had helped me get through being called stuff like that every other day by a horrible kid who everyone hates, and told me I wasn't that sort of thing(I guess he was lying).
Then he sent me an email BEGGING me to forgive him, and when I told him I needed space, he sent me an email the next day saying "hey are we friends yet?" That made me even more angry with him, and then about two weeks later, he sent me a fwd letter from when we were going out (It was... pretty romantic. I'm ashamed of it, because my parents would never have approved of how close me and him were, and I know that I was wrong, and I won't do it again) and after that saying "I was just wondering whatever happened to these days, and whether you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me so we could be friends, or maybe BFFs?"
That made me so mad, I don't want anything to do with him now. I wanted to send an email back to him saying "we broke up, idiot, remember? that's what happened. And you know what, I never want to see your ugly face again just because of this." I didn't, though, I just blocked him, permanently deleted the letter, and asked my friends for advice.
So now after my LONG story... (Sorry about that, wouldn't have made sense if I hadn't explained) Every day he's staring at me, and it creeps me out a lot. I ask my friend what to do, and she says "You should walk up to him and tell him to stop staring at you or I'll beat him up" and stuff like that, and that's not helping.
Also, I don't want to be his friend at all, but most of my friends except for the ones I became really good friends with while they helped me through the whole thing, and I'm getting kind of tired of hearing them talk about him, or having to walk by him to talk to my friends. So what should I do, because he's scaring me, and my friends keep talking about him and to him, telling me stories of stuff that happened, and when I say things like "Good for you." or "I don't really want to hear about him.
I'm still really angry" they completely ignore me and keep talking. It's getting on my nerves, because I really cared about him for a while, and I though he cared about me too, but he was pretending, and he really hurt me. I have lots of friends on my side, against my ex, but they aren't actually all that much help. I'm sorry if I confused you, because reading this, I'd be pretty confused. Thank you so much, and I really hope you can help me.Wow. That's a lot of drama for a first boyfriend relationship! But it kinda just goes to show you this guy didn't know the first thing about being a boyfriend ... and hey, maybe you could've handled it differently, too.
But let's just deal with what's happening now and his creepy behavior ... While I don't think you should tell him you're gonna 'beat him up,' you most definitely have to let him know you're not interested in being friends or even acquaintances right now. Tell him you don't appreciate being bashed, lied to and then disregarded so easily. And him trying to manipulate you with the few good times you did have in your relationship is immature and disgusting!
Hey, you might even have to get a little mean by just ignoring him. Don't encourage him by answering his emails. Just delete them. When he talks to you, just ignore him. It's harsh, but it has to be done. His behavior is becoming pesky ... and it must be stopped. Don't lead him on.
Now listen, make sure you've thought about what you've learned during this relationship. You already said you regret a few of your emails and actions. So take note of that and make sure to act more appropriately next time. It's OK that you made mistakes ... but learn from them and move on. As you continue dating, you're going to figure out how to handle certain situations better -- but something you've got to decide right now are your moral boundaries. Be responsible. Be respectful of yourself and your body and do your best to do what's right.
Thanks so much for reading. PLEASE tell your friends. I would truly appreciate it.
Readers Ask Dee Questions About Herself
OK. You've wanted to find out some info about me ... Dee! So, you asked these questions and I answered them. Wanna know more? Just ask away! I've answered quite a few below but there are more. I will add on as I get the chance! What made you decide to start Dear Dee?
Well, the fact I love giving people my opinion was a big part of my decision ... ha! I really love helping people. And I feel I have a lot to say about what young adults are dealing with in this weird, funky, wonderful world. Writing Dear Dee helps me remember we all deal with crud in our lives and it helps me keep perspective. It also is a great way for me to keep my writing, whit and sarcasm sharp (ha).
Seriously though, I was talking to one of my friends in the recent past, and when he asked me this same question, I literally said 'I have a heart for teenagers.' I believe this and stand by it. I want young adults to make strong, informed choices and I want them to live without regrets. Sometimes, this takes some guidance.
Sometimes, you say you aren't qualified to give advice on certain topics. What are those topics and why do you say that?
I am not a trained therapist. I have not taken anything other than basic psych classes in college. So, the advice I give is not clinical it's based on opinion and life experiences of myself and those around me. There are certain topics I just can't address -- especially topics where an individual is thinking of hurting themselves or others; such as suicide, cutting, drug use, abuse etc. These topics, while I care about them deeply and have convictions regarding them, are better dealt with by a professional. And in my opinion, when a reader has one of those serious issues, the best advice I can give the reader is to get professional help. And of course, I'll remember that person in my prayers.
Do you log on to like some sort of mesenger like aim,yahoo, or msn messenger; if you do and can you please give me your email?
I am an AIM girl, thru and thru. Have always loved it, and always will. (The fact I used to work for AIM has nothing to do with it!) Anyway, I have several personal accounts I use, but don't normally give those out. Although you're always welcome to email me at deardeequestions@gmail.com
Is you hair really red?
OK. My hair is really light brown, but I have been dying it red FOREVER ... and within the last few months, I added a pink streak in the front. I LOVE IT! I get compliments on my hair all the time. (I've even had people stop me on the street!).
When did you start 'Dear Dee'?
I've been writing 'Dear Dee' for about four years. I started it when I worked for AOL RED as the director of programming. A few years back, the RED staff was cut loose from AOL ... so I relaunched the site independently and changed things up a bit. I love writing it!
I am a journalist at heart and have been reporting for quite some time. I've been through a lot in my life and decided I wanted to help out those who just needed someone to talk to. ... I know if I had someone around in some of my situations, who would tell me the truth even if it hurt -- some things might've turned out differently.
Are you a Christian?
Thanks for asking this. I absolutely am a Christian. I was led to the Lord when I was 17 and recommitted several years back. I try very very hard to give advice based on Godly, Biblical principles. Sometimes, it's really hard to tell the truth -- even when I know it won't be popular. But I really do my best. And I fell 'Dear Dee' is a ministry HE wants me to pursue.
What is your favorite flavor of pie?
Oh this one is so so so easy ... I love chocolate pie. I make this fantastic one with Hershey's Chocolate bars ... and OMGoodness is it FANTASTASTIC. I also love cheesecake ... but is that a pie or a cake?
What is your sign/birthday?
I am a Gemini ... June 15 is my birthday, which of course is the BEST day of the year.
What is your favorite band?
Well, this one is pretty hard because I love tons of music. I adore Maroon 5 ... Love Matchbox Twenty ... and am crazy about the Davids -- Archuleta and Cook, that is. I also adore Rascal Flatts and a few other country bands.
What are your hobbies?
OK. I love to sew. I LOVE to sing (I actually am lead singer in a band) and I love movie trivia. I'm also addicted to Wii Fit .... Rockband ... and Guitar Hero ... yep.
What is your favorite movie of all time?
I love the classics. So if I could only pick 1 flick, it would be 'Gone with the Wind.' Now, if I could name a few, they would be:
Gone with the Wind, Titanic, ALL the Harry Potter movies, The Lord of the Rings Movies, anything Bette Davis and of COURSE TWILIGHT!
I remember when you were on RED, you always talked about Wentworth Miller. Is he still your favorite actor?
I have a major crush on Wentworth Miller. It's absolutely insane how hot I think he is. So the answer would be YES! He is still my favorite TV actor. My favorite TV actress is Katherine Heigl from 'Grey's Anatomy.'
What are your fave TV shows?
'Prison Break', 'Grey's Anatomy,' 'Gossip Girl' and 'Samantha Who?'.
Did you always want to be a writer?
No! I actually wanted to be a lawyer when I was growing up. But my first job out of high school was as an obituary clerk at my local newspaper ... and even though writing obits is way way way depressing, that's how I got my start in writing. My first editor told me I was a natural ... and writing has always just felt right to me. I love it. I love the creativity of it, the thought it takes and the mechanics. Writing is truly a passion for me. And I am thankful I fell into it.
Do you have brothers and sisters?
I am the oldest of 5 ... I have one sister and 3 brothers. My youngest brother just will be a sophomore in College -- baseball star! My sister is studying to be a nurse and my other two brothers both help my dad run the family business. All of my siblings are awesome and I am so thankful for them. (Even though my brother, when we were younger, totally shot me in the arm with a bee-bee gun ... and I have the scar to prove it. ...)
What are your favorite books to read?
OK. So I have to admit to loving the TWILIGHT series. I've read each book about 8 times. I also love the Harry Potter Books. Right now, I am reading the 8th Book in Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse Vampire mysteries series. I also just finished reading Confessions of a Shopaholic ... and I loved it (even if it is somewhat autobiographical).
Dated 3 Times, But Didn't Work Out
Dear Dee:
I have went out with this guy four times and it has never worked out. But we are still bff's and I can tell him anything. He is going out with one of my good friends now and I know he will NEVER like me in that way again -- even though I like him A LOT.
When I am around him I always end up acting stupid or weird. And sometimes I feel really happy when I am with him but also sometimes I feel sooo sad. I don't know what to do. I just know I can't stop thinking about him.Hey, sometimes we just fall for the wrong guy. It's as simple as that. We try making a relationship work once, twice -- even three times, but it's just not the right time for that relationship to take off. It sucks, but it happens. That's not to say it will NEVER happen, but for right now, it doesn't seem like he's the guy for you.
So you're going to go through some painful times right now. It's gonna make you sad to see him with another girl, it's gonna hit you in the heart when he talks about other girls -- but if you're going to be his best friend, and you want to have at least that part of a relationship, you're going to have to deal with it.
I KNOW IT'S HARD! But maybe you could think about what really didn't work in your relationships. Why couldn't you guys make it happen? What went wrong and why couldn't you work it out? If you tried three times and still couldn't have a thriving relationship then something was/is consistently wrong. Keep that in mind when the feelings hit you. Try to realize that right now, you just work so much better as friends. And while you're heart may not like to hear it, right now you're mind will have to take over and bring your heart around to reason, understanding and finally acceptance.
If you need to, you might even consider stepping back for a few days from your friendship just to try to get a handle on your feelings. Maybe this will help you sort through it and figure out how to move on.
I wish you the best!
Friend's Mom Is A Ticking Time Bomb
Dear Dee:
I have a 17-year-old friend whose mom has put her through a lot of physical and emotion abuse. Her mom is on medication for depression and has also had thoughts of suicide.
I have noticed her mom believes the answer to all of her problems is threatening to cut my friend from all support and kicking her out. I want to prepare myself if and when anything happens so I am reaching out to anyone and everyone for help and answers.Your friend is really really lucky to have someone like you looking out for her. This is a very difficult situation for a friend to have to watch another friend go through. And it is even harder to actually want to help your friend through it -- instead of just being on the outside, looking in.
Your friend is 17, so she's almost legally an adult. And if her situation doesn't get any better, I'd highly recommend your friend gets the heck out of Dodge as soon as she's able to. In order for her to develop emotionally and independently, she needs to remove herself from the hostile, threatening environment her mom has obviously created for her. And while I think it is a horrible to consider abandoning one's mom, if your friend and her family have done all they can to try to help this woman, then in order to survive personally, she might just have to do that.
Before your friend's ready to leave home, though, and if she does get kicked out and cut off, just be there for her. If you're not able to take her in (not sure of your family situation) then maybe you can help her reach out to a local churches' youth ministry for support. In fact, this would be a great place for both of you to get some help in this situation. Sometimes, when situations seem really, really helpless and a person really has no where else to go, GOD is the answer and the faith and support of other believers can get you through the situation.
There are also hotlines listed here.You can reach out to one of the domestic abuse hotlines or give the number directly to your friend. Seroiusly, this is something you two shouldn't deal with alone and when we're dealing with issues such as suicidal parents, threatening situations and the like, it's always a great idea to get professional help. Those people on the other end of the hotlines can give you all the info you need.
Hang in there. Continue to be a great friend, listen and do whatever you can to help your friend out of this situation. Also, encourage her to rise above all she's been through and become the best person she can be. Too many people have to climb mountains to make up for the fact they had HUGE JERKS for parents ... but overcoming that can most definitely be done. Especially when a person has a great friend by her side.
The Short and Tall Dilemma
Dear Dee:
At my school, I am a shorter, smaller girl and all my friends are taller than me.
The problem is I really like this guy who is really tall and hot, but I'm afraid he won't like me because I'm smaller. He's already my friend, but I don't know. I also sort of like another boy, but the tall guy; I like him more.
People call me short just teasing, but I don't care. I wish I was taller sometimes so I wouldn't be afraid to do stuff like that. What should I do? Please help me! I really like this guy.It is seriously not a big deal you're not taller -- girls generally aren't towering over all the guys in their class. And you know what, most really tall guys really like shorter girls. Seriously.
I have two cases in point: I had a boyfriend who was 6'11" and I am 5'6" ... he was WAY taller than I am. Second case in point: I know a 6'7" guy who's dating a 5'2" girl ... So do not be self-conscious about your height. Spend your time getting comfortable with yourself and investing in friendships. Don't worry about trivial things like height differences ... dwelling over something you have no control over will just set you back in finding out if this guy likes you AND will make you miss out on a whole bunch of fun stuff in life.
By the way, here are just some quick fashion tips to help accentuate the body you have and make you appear taller ...
-- Opt for a monochromatic outfit.
-- Add contrast color or texture with a blazer, cardigan or overshirt.
-- Leave the blazer or cardigan unbuttoned for maximum vertical lines.
-- Any stripes on the garment should be vertical.
-- Choose scarves tied loosely with long, vertical dangling ends.
-- Avoid big belts, which can cut you in half visually.
-- Use long necklaces or pendants and avoid chokers.
-- Wear skirts that are longer than they are wide.
-- Choose shoes with at least an inch heel: the taller the better.
-- Elongate the neck with V-necks.
-- If you are petite (5'3" or under) make sure you scale everything down : smaller prints, pockets, etc. so they don't overpower your figure.
-- Don't make the mistake of going for all long pieces. Go for contrasting proportions. Mix a longer jacket with a shorter skirt, shorter jacket with pants, etc.
Tips taken from "How To Look Taller and Slimmer"
By Cynthia Nellis, About.com
'Coming Clean' is Coming Clean!
Dear Dee:
I am the girl who wrote to you about "Come Clean With Parents, Then Help Friend." I have decide to take your advice. I am pretty sure it will help and if not, I will know I tried. Thank you SO MUCH!
And Im gonna talk to my mom about the drugs thing.
This is great! You're doing the right thing. Telling your parents about the lie will really help you build trust -- even though it might hurt at first :-) . I am very proud of you.
Secret Crush Is Also My Friend
Dear Dee:
Hey, I love this site, it's my homepage!
I've been going through a hard time in my life and this site has helped me realize that my life isn't the worst it can be. But now I have a simple teen-age problem.
I've liked this guy since the moment I meet him and we instantly became friends. A while ago, he told me he doesn't like me, jokingly. I told a few friends I like him and yesterday one approached him with: I heard you like (insert my name here). He shrugged and said, "I just don't know anymore. We're friends, but you know."
I was thrilled when I heard this, but he doesn't know I know. In the class we have together, I sit next to him, but he's not his normal friendly-flirty self for the past two weeks. He's shyer and almost afraid to talk to me, if I'm not talking to him first.
He isn't like this around any other of his friends, including girl ones.
Does this mean he has feelings for me, he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, or am I just reading into it too much? Thanks so much, cause I am completly lost (even worse than the show)!
Major props to you for making 'Dear Dee' your homepage! Thanks for that. If you could see me, you'd see this huge grin ... (and you'd see me eating a Watermelon Jolly Rancher ... my favorite.)
ANYWAY, someone else's emotions are just too hard to try to read ... so instead of guessing, you need to just find out what's up. And since he's your good friend and his behavior towards you has changed, you have an easy in for the conversation.
Ask him what's going on. Tell him you've noticed a change and you want to know if you've done anything or if there's anything you can help him out with -- because, of course, that's what friends do!
More than likely, he'll tell you nothing's wrong and he's all good ... but tell him you know him too well and you've noticed he's treating you differently. Then kinda just wait. See if he shrugs it off or says something that leads you to reveal you like him. If he doesn't, just continue to be his friend. Don't push it. See what happens. He might be a little conflicted right now and you don't want to come off as desperate or fishing for info. So, playing it cool is most definitely the way to go.
I know it's easier and less embarassing to find out info about your crush from others, but it really isn't reliable and wouldn't you much rather find out personal info from the source instead of getting it second or third hand? You don't need your friends teasing him or trying to find out things he's not ready to reveal. He doesn't need the pressure -- and it could easily turn him off. So take matters into your own hands and you'll get results. ...
When it comes to crushes, being in control is a GREAT thing ... so take charge.
Everyone Says We're GREAT Together, BUT ...
Dear Dee:
OK, first I just wanted to say I love your site! It really helps and I know you will always be there for me.
Anyways, I have this friend, he's a guy. I hang out with him all of the time.
Everyone at school says we should go out and we would make a cute couple. They say they could see us getting married when we are older. I don't really think that [although a small part of me does] and he told me he doesn't think that either.
There is a dance coming up and everyone says we should dance together at it. I know he won't want to. I really don't want to but a small part of me does. I used to like him, but now we are really good friends. I guess you could say he is my best guy friend. I don't know what I should do. Can you help?
I am so so so glad you enjoy the site. I am even more thrilled it helps you. I can't tell you what this means to me. THANK YOU! Hey, you wanna know something else that's VERY VERY special about your post? Your question and response is the 300th I've posted on the new site! WHOO HOO!!!!! (I totally wish confetti could fall down from the sky as well as some way awesome balloons when everyone reads this ... but technology hasn't come THAT far ... yet.)
Now, down to business: So ... who really cares what everyone says? You need to consider here, what YOU think.
Do you want to be a 'couple' with this guy or are you cool with the status quo? This is the question you have to answer. You say only a small part of you has thought romantically about your friend. In my mind, this isn't enough of a 'thought' to ruin a friendship. So I'd give it some more time and see if any other feelings develop. Don't rush into a relationship and ruin something great because others are pushing you into it. They see things more superficially -- on the outside -- than you do. You're in the thick of it. It's your life. It's your decision. And it's friendship at stake here. So who cares what everyone else thinks.
Readers Want to Know about DEE
Dear Dee:
You help us out all of the time. I think it's time to spill the beans and tell US about YOU!
Hey, I don't wanna use our space to talk about ME! But, tell you what ... tell me what you want to know about me. Make them fun questions, K? Don't ask the ordinary ... get creative.
I'll pick 10 questions from random readers ... so send in as many as you want! Can't wait to get them and answer them ... I kinda feel like we're playing truth or dare! ... BTW, I won't answer anything inappropriate. So don't even go there.
His Flirting a Sign He Likes Me?
Dear Dee:
There's this guy at school and I've known him for a while now. He went out with one of my friends and the other night, he kept poking me, flirting and being around me. Then when we go to leave the fundraiser, he gave me two huge hugs.
Anyway, he dated another girl, who I'm good friends with and they've split up but she still really likes him. But I think he likes me I don't know what to do.
I don't ever think it's a good idea for a girl to date a friend's ex. It just ends up causing problems ... but if you and this girl aren't the best of friends, then maybe it's worth it.
First off, you've got to figure out if this guy likes you. You can read into the flirting depending on the type. You know how he usually acts around you -- was his flirting different and maybe a little more personal than usual? And the poking ... hum. Well, while this might seem like a form of flirting to you, it actually isn't all that cool for a guy to think he actually has the right to touch you -- even if it is in a playful manner. So watch out on this. I understand it was innocent and in fun, but still ... this put up a warning flag for me. The hugs? Well, a hug is a hug. As one of my favorite movies points out, there's a hug where you kinda just bend over and hug then there's a hug that's a little more personal and close. What type was it?
Of course, if you really wanna know if he likes you, just ask him. Take a chance and see what happens! But if you do this, have replies for each scenario. And keep your cool!
Second of all, you need to weigh your friendship with the friend who still likes him and figure out if it's worth possibly losing over dating this guy. I have found out friendships last longer than most dating relationships. But only you know how important this one is to you. So make a decision based on your feelings and be ready to live with whatever happens.
SAT Panic Sets In: Time for Encouragement
Dear Dee:
I am a senior in high school and my average is a 76. I realize it should be higher, but I was a procrastinator and gave up on myself.
I have second honors this year and am trying to work my way up. I am also an athlete who can get a full-ride scholarship to an out of state college, but in order to do so I HAVE to get 940 with the Math and Critical Reading combined, and so far have gotten a 760.
My critical reading scores are in the high 400's, but my math scores are in the low 300's. I have registered for the March SAT, and have been studying every day. I have out of state colleges interested in giving me scholarships, but they are waiting to see my SAT scores. I want to believe everything will be okay but I feel like giving up. What should I do?
NEVER ... NEVER ... NEVER EVER give up on yourself and what you can do when you put your mind to it. Be determined. Be deliberate and let the fact you're talented enough, smart enough and ambitious enough be the motivating factor in keeping your head in the books and your nose to the grindstone.
Hey, if colleges are interested in giving you scholarships, YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY WORTH THE EFFORT, here! Do not cheat YOURSELF out of this opportunity by throwing in the towel. Isn't that one of the biggest lessons you learn as an athlete ... to push yourself and keep striving to get better and better? Apply that philosophy here.
Get tutored. Ask for help whenever and wherever you can. If you have to, listen to study tapes/CDs while you're sleeping (hey, don't knock it! It worked for Jake in 'Annapolis'). Don't let up. And be encouraged that the end result here will be 100 percent worth it. Because it really will be.
You don't need me to tell you this, but you're a lucky, lucky person. You must be blessed with an athletic gift that's pretty darn special to have colleges offering you scholarships. And for that, I totally give you a standing ovation. So use that gift to get yourself a free education and a jump start on a fantastic career. I know you can do it. Seriously ... I just know.
PLEASE keep me posted. And if you need some study tips, remember MURDER is the key ... (to find out why, check out: "Midterm Study Frenzy: HELP!"
Good luck and know beyond a doubt that I'm pulling for ya. (Seriously, I expect to hear from ya after you take your test!)
Come Clean With Parents, Then Help Friend
Dear Dee:
I have a gigantic problem!
Today, my parents were talking to me and my sister about drugs. It didn't get uncomfortable until they asked if I knew anyone who did drugs. I lied and said no.
But recently one of my friends told me he smokes. He also hangs with my bff and ever since her mom got married to a guy she doesn't like she has been acting rebellious.
She has told us about a ton of dumb stuff she has done and she broke up with her boyfriend for a reason she won't tell us and I have a feeling it wasn't just because she got bored.
Her and her new boyfriend have been sneaking behind her mom's back and doing inappropriate things. How can I talk to my friend about this and help her have a future that doesn't involve having to drop out?
So, you said you lied to your parents, but you said your friend just smokes ... I am assuming he smokes an illegal substance because if it's cigarettes, that's not an ILLEGAL drug ...
But anyway, first of all, you've got to come clean with your parents. Laying a foundation of lies about something as serious as drugs even though you aren't doing them yourself will cause distrust and a total loss of respect if your parents find out. So, don't even mess with that. I know it sucks to rat out a friend, but your parents asked you point blank. And it just isn't right to lie to them -- especially if you want to be the kind of kid a parent can trust.
Secondly, your BFF ... yeah. Sounds like she's quickly heading down a wrong path. And while it's easy to chalk her actions up to rebellion, let's not minimize these problems in that way and realize she needs to make some serious life changes.
It seems like you understand, but your friend is making choices right now that will affect the rest of her life. And we want her to make STRONG decisions. Not STUPID ones. So, you need to do what a BFF does ... talk to her.
One thing I depend on my best friend for is ACCOUNTABILITY. If a best friend can't be honest with you when you're 100 percent wrong, then who can be? You should be able to talk to your friend and tell her how it is. So do it! Tell her you're worried about her and you are sure she's making some inappropriate and wrong decisions. Let her know you are worried about the consequences of those decisions and you can't just sit back and let her make them without telling her.
Then, after this discussion, tell her you care about her and what happens in her life. Let her know that you're there for her -- and you want to help her through whatever is happening at home, school or whatever in her life that's causing her turmoil.
Lastly, if you seriously find that you can't get through to your friend and her choices are getting her further and further in trouble, you might just have to walk away. It's the last resort, but good friends gone bad can really bring you down. And there does come a point when you've done all you can -- and have to move on. It's SAD and HORRIBLE. But you can't let yourself get pulled into her web or deceit and destruction.
I hope you can work this out with your friend. And I do hope you make the right choice to talk to your parents about your little lie.
Momma's Expectations Heavy Load to Carry
Dear Dee:
I pride myself in the fact my relationship with my mother is a bit better than the average. But still, she's hurting me even if she doesn't mean to.
All my life, she has told me the only average grade I am supposed to get is a 10 (Scandinavian grading system, 10 is consistent with the grade A in USA): any less than a perfect 10, I am too lazy, I don't read enough, I don't appreciate what I have and she's very disappointed in my performance. Her reasoning as to why I must get the perfect score every time is I'm so smart, I should. Now that I've reached college, the same still goes on.
But what she doesn't realize is in my school, grades don't really matter much, and only the finals matter the most. And yet, she expects me to keep a grade 10-average, and her constant hounding is stressing me ... a lot.
My self-confidence is at an all time low because I feel I'm a complete loser and every time I feel even so much as a sliver of pride in my schoolwork, my mother erases it completely by telling me my performance is inadequate in comparison to my alleged superior intelligence.
When I try to tell her that her demands are affecting my schooling in itself, she doesn't listen to me and starts comparing me to her and how she was already on her own at my age and had a job and studied on the side and tells me I'm wasting my talent, that I should have a part-time job as I study.
I want to tell her she's hurting me. I want to tell her I can't keep living in the same house with her if she keeps this up. I want to tell her if she truly thinks of me as an adult, she should let me make my own decisions.
But how am I going to make her listen to me, really listen, tell her how I feel and do all this without hurting her? I don't want her to feel bad. She's gone through enough in her life already, but I can't keep living under this pressure she puts on me.
Any advice you may have is greatly appreciated.
Parental expectations can be one of the heaviest loads we can possibly carry. I actually know what you're going through here.
And believe me, if you do not get it taken care of now, you will spend the rest of your life constantly trying to please your mother ... and it kills when nothing seems to be good enough or the special words 'I'm proud of you' aren't spoken. Seriously, it is very important you take care of this right now.
So, it seems to me you've been very respectful and accommodating to your mother and her wishes up to this point. You've tried with all your might to do what she wants you to do and to live up to her expectations. With taking the drastic step into adulthood and entering college, you've realized there really isn't a way to balance reality and the overbearing expectations of your mom and you need to break free of it, really and take control of your life. You need your mom to understand she has raised you to do your best. She has raised you to do the right things. And she has raised you to be a strong, independent woman ... now she needs to lighten up and have faith in how she's raised you.
How do you do this? Well, you've got to talk to her. This isn't going to be an easy conversation and the fact you want to spare her feelings is admirable, but you've got to have this talk and you've got to be forceful -- yet respectful. It's time.
Your mom needs to know that above all, you love her and you appreciate her. You acknowledge her gentle urging inspires you and makes you want to do your best, BUT ... the pressure she's putting on you is too much for you to handle.
The bottom line? You've got to spell it out VERY clear ... YOU AND YOUR MOM ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. WHAT WORKED FOR HER, DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU. You handle stress differently, you handle situations differently, and lastly, your goals are different.
You need to let your mom know that by constantly expecting more than you can give, she is driving a wedge between the two of you and is putting a strain on your relationship that will eventually cause you to pull away from her completely. She needs to understand it's not healthy. And, in the end, the pressure she's putting you under will give way to resentment and ruin the most important relationship that's in your life right now.
Let your momma know you are doing your best. You are studying, working hard and dedicated to being the best student you can be in college. But you have to do this your way -- and while you will always strive for grade perfection, sometimes, it's not gonna happen. Just as she has to let you make mistakes in life, she needs to let you get through school on your own terms as well. Tell her to have faith in how she's raised you and the values she's instilled in you. Tell her to trust you.
It is very important you let your mom know how her words and unreasonable expectations are hurting you and how they are causing you to start to resent and harbor bitterness towards her. Regardless of the grading systems and how grades are measured/what matters/what doesn't matter ... this is a REAL problem that's affecting your relationship -- and if she wants to have a healthy relationship with you, she needs to lighten up. NOT LET GO in encouraging you to do your best, ... but stop the comparisons. Stop the over-analyzing and get back to encouraging and trusting ... this is the only way you two will get through this.
I know this will be a brutal conversation. But it's got to happen. And if you need a little help, feel free to print this out and send it to your momma. And if you do that, let her know you love her and appreciate her ... because it could be the opposite ... she could just not care at all.
I wish you the best of luck and thank you so so so much for reading.
Odd & Proud's Mom Meets Her in Middle
This reader is referring to her original question "Odd and Proud of It."
Dear Dee:
I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your advice, and that I found it very helpful. I have been trying to be less judgmental and more open to the idea of others and my mother. I've managed to form a tenuous friendship with a girl in my class, and she is helping me understand the others in my class, as well as helping them to understand me.
I had a long talk with my mother, and it turns out that she was always an outsider when she was in school, and didn't want that to me as well. After numerous, tearful, hugs, we seemed to have made up, and we're both trying to work with each other. I am dressing more normally, and being civil with the people at church (even the ones who tell me I'm going to hell).
She is working at being more accepting of The Viking Hordes (what we have decided on calling my friends J ) She actually decided she approves of John, and has been attempting to play matchmaker between the two of us (embarrassing, but kind of cool, too).
Thank you, once again, and I hope this email finds you in good health.
This is so great! I am really psyched you're patching things up with your mom and even more thrilled she is trying to understand you. This rocks and speaks volumes about what kind of mother she is! So many parents don't take the time to really get to know their kids. YOU ARE SO SO SO LUCKY! I hope you know that. Be patient with her. She's trying and make sure you do your part to try to understand her.
This is so amazing. Congrats!
Boyfriend Drives Wedge Between Sisters
Dear Dee:
My older sister and I used to have a good relationship until she met her boyfriend almost two years ago. She's completely changed! She moved out with him in the middle of nowhere and never talks to me!
We get in fights whenever we talk and I tried to tell her how I got depressed while she lived with our family and how I want to not fight and get along and stuff like that but it ends in a fight. I talked to the school counselor about it and she told me she thinks my sister will come around eventually, but it has been TWO years! I don't know what to do. Please help!
Your sister's made a lot of changes in her life and it doesn't sound like those changes have been for the better.
Sometimes, when we do things that aren't exactly 'right' for us or create tension in the family, it makes our attitudes change towards the ones we love. This is what I think has happened with your sis. She has allowed this guy to change what's important to her.
I don't know the situation surrounding her moving out and in with him, but if that caused any conflict in your family, your sister is probably still acting out on that. She is wrong to treat you this way -- and right now, she's more concerned about herself than anything else.
She will come around. And you'll find she will apologize for being such a jerk. She'll feel really bad about being mean to you and upsetting you. And more than likely you'll find you're closer then you've ever been.
Do your best to try to talk to her casually whenever you can. Don't bring up the depression or anything that could make her feel guilty about moving out. Just talk to her -- start with that. Then later, as things get better, you two can start diving into the other stuff again. But just give it time. And most of all, don't give up on her. She's your sister ... you don't get that luxury!
