Parents Pushing Prom Date

Dear Dee:
I've always thought dating to be overrated and so I've never got a date for any of our dances. Well, not until recently. Prom is a week away. My mom and family have put their foot down and told me I need a date in order to go to prom.

I spoke to some of my friends and it turns out they all have dates! This happens to me, my friends all end up getting dates and somehow I never get one. I took matters into my own hands and started asking guys.

I asked a guy I liked and ended up getting rejected. And now I know I won't get to go to prom.

I told my mom I couldn't get a date, and she told me I can. She said I have what it takes to get a date but I just don't want to because "I want to hurt her." I don't even see how that relates to prom, but now I feel really bad. Not only can I not get a date, but I'm letting my mom down.

I resorted to asking any guy, any guy at my school. Even guys I barely know, but no luck.

I'm starting to think my career has something to do with it. After focusing on acting/modeling, I've let my social life go to hell. I want to go to prom.

This is my only year to go because my family is moving to California and I want to go to prom. And with my luck, the only guy who would say yes to me would be a guy my parents don’t approve of – so I still wouldn’t be able to go.

How can I get a date?

Hum. I would think your parents would be THRILLED you want to go to prom without a date. I can’t even tell you how many parents seem to really, really stress out over all the prom drama – not to mention the rumors and the well, the nightmares that come along with it.

I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know why your parents want you to get a date. But if you really feel you wanna go and they are being unfair to you, how about you sit down and give it to them straight! Let them know you’re just not that into dating right now – that you’re focused on your career and ambitions and being the student you can be. Tell them you really want to experience prom and don’t want to buy into all the pressure that comes with having a date BUT you don’t want to miss out on the fun.

Let your mom know you’re not trying to hurt her by not getting a date. That this actually has nothing to do with her at all. It’s just how you are and where you are right now in your life.

Who knows. Maybe your momma has some traumatic prom story – some repressed memories she fights back because she was dateless at the prom – not by choice – and she was made fun of. Who knows what’s behind her thinking. (Or … maybe she’s seen the movie ‘Carrie’ one too many times … but if that’s the case, tell her to watch ‘Pretty in Pink’ because great things happen to two people who go to the prom dateless …)

I do hope you can talk them around. I know you can if you go to them respectfully and talk to them in a way that shows them you’ve thought through this and have been trying to do what they’d like, but now you just need them to understand where you’re coming from. And hey, who knows … when the pressure’s off, maybe Mr. Adorable Prom Date will waltz right up to YOU during lunch and sweep you off your feet (but watch out … don’t drop that lunch tray).

Good luck and send pictures of the prom dress!

Being Abused at Home

Dear Dee:
My step dad came about three years ago and he constantly shouts and swears at us and puts us down. On top of that, he hits us and kicks us.

I'm terrified of him and what he'll do if I tell. I seriously need help. My mum just sits there and watches. She doesn’t care. My dad is dead. My brothers are all I’ve got. I don’t want to hurt my mum but I want it to stop what can I do?

You have got to get some help. You must talk to an adult you trust right away. Talk to a teacher. Go talk to your school counselor or the school principal or nurse. Go get some help. I am not trained to deal with situations like this, so this is the best advice I can give you … Get help and get it fast.

You don’t deserve to be abused. And you deserve to be safe and secure. Get help right away. Also, take advantage of the hotlines listed here. People on the other end of the phone can get you help and tell you where to go so you and your brothers will be safe.

Please call the hotlines now. I will keep you in my prayers.

Mom's Cheating, Dad's Ignoring It

Dear Dee:
Turns out my mother really is cheating on my dad. I confronted her about it but she didn't deny it and she wouldn't admit it fully. Should I tell my father about what she's doing? So far only my two closest friends know.

I guess I'm OK, my parents don't talk to each other though. My dad tries to make it up to her.

I don't think it's your place to tell your dad, but I also don't think your dad should be clueless about it either.

Your mom's gotta come clean to your dad. And she's got to get herself straightened out with you, too. You're gonna have to talk to her again. Let her know you can't stand by and watch what she's doing and how it is affecting your dad and your family vibe. You and your dad deserve better than what she's giving you and you both deserve the truth.

Whether or not they work it out is something I can't say. But let your mom know if she can get it together and tell the truth, the two of you will have a chance at rebuilding YOUR relationship. Because right now, she has to earn your trust and your respect again.

I am so sorry you're having to go through this.

Friend's Mom Is A Ticking Time Bomb

Dear Dee:
I have a 17-year-old friend whose mom has put her through a lot of physical and emotion abuse. Her mom is on medication for depression and has also had thoughts of suicide.

I have noticed her mom believes the answer to all of her problems is threatening to cut my friend from all support and kicking her out. I want to prepare myself if and when anything happens so I am reaching out to anyone and everyone for help and answers.

Your friend is really really lucky to have someone like you looking out for her. This is a very difficult situation for a friend to have to watch another friend go through. And it is even harder to actually want to help your friend through it -- instead of just being on the outside, looking in.

Your friend is 17, so she's almost legally an adult. And if her situation doesn't get any better, I'd highly recommend your friend gets the heck out of Dodge as soon as she's able to. In order for her to develop emotionally and independently, she needs to remove herself from the hostile, threatening environment her mom has obviously created for her. And while I think it is a horrible to consider abandoning one's mom, if your friend and her family have done all they can to try to help this woman, then in order to survive personally, she might just have to do that.

Before your friend's ready to leave home, though, and if she does get kicked out and cut off, just be there for her. If you're not able to take her in (not sure of your family situation) then maybe you can help her reach out to a local churches' youth ministry for support. In fact, this would be a great place for both of you to get some help in this situation. Sometimes, when situations seem really, really helpless and a person really has no where else to go, GOD is the answer and the faith and support of other believers can get you through the situation.

There are also hotlines listed here.You can reach out to one of the domestic abuse hotlines or give the number directly to your friend. Seroiusly, this is something you two shouldn't deal with alone and when we're dealing with issues such as suicidal parents, threatening situations and the like, it's always a great idea to get professional help. Those people on the other end of the hotlines can give you all the info you need.

Hang in there. Continue to be a great friend, listen and do whatever you can to help your friend out of this situation. Also, encourage her to rise above all she's been through and become the best person she can be. Too many people have to climb mountains to make up for the fact they had HUGE JERKS for parents ... but overcoming that can most definitely be done. Especially when a person has a great friend by her side.

Come Clean With Parents, Then Help Friend

Dear Dee:
I have a gigantic problem!

Today, my parents were talking to me and my sister about drugs. It didn't get uncomfortable until they asked if I knew anyone who did drugs. I lied and said no.

But recently one of my friends told me he smokes. He also hangs with my bff and ever since her mom got married to a guy she doesn't like she has been acting rebellious.

She has told us about a ton of dumb stuff she has done and she broke up with her boyfriend for a reason she won't tell us and I have a feeling it wasn't just because she got bored.

Her and her new boyfriend have been sneaking behind her mom's back and doing inappropriate things. How can I talk to my friend about this and help her have a future that doesn't involve having to drop out?

So, you said you lied to your parents, but you said your friend just smokes ... I am assuming he smokes an illegal substance because if it's cigarettes, that's not an ILLEGAL drug ...

But anyway, first of all, you've got to come clean with your parents. Laying a foundation of lies about something as serious as drugs even though you aren't doing them yourself will cause distrust and a total loss of respect if your parents find out. So, don't even mess with that. I know it sucks to rat out a friend, but your parents asked you point blank. And it just isn't right to lie to them -- especially if you want to be the kind of kid a parent can trust.

Secondly, your BFF ... yeah. Sounds like she's quickly heading down a wrong path. And while it's easy to chalk her actions up to rebellion, let's not minimize these problems in that way and realize she needs to make some serious life changes.

It seems like you understand, but your friend is making choices right now that will affect the rest of her life. And we want her to make STRONG decisions. Not STUPID ones. So, you need to do what a BFF does ... talk to her.

One thing I depend on my best friend for is ACCOUNTABILITY. If a best friend can't be honest with you when you're 100 percent wrong, then who can be? You should be able to talk to your friend and tell her how it is. So do it! Tell her you're worried about her and you are sure she's making some inappropriate and wrong decisions. Let her know you are worried about the consequences of those decisions and you can't just sit back and let her make them without telling her.

Then, after this discussion, tell her you care about her and what happens in her life. Let her know that you're there for her -- and you want to help her through whatever is happening at home, school or whatever in her life that's causing her turmoil.

Lastly, if you seriously find that you can't get through to your friend and her choices are getting her further and further in trouble, you might just have to walk away. It's the last resort, but good friends gone bad can really bring you down. And there does come a point when you've done all you can -- and have to move on. It's SAD and HORRIBLE. But you can't let yourself get pulled into her web or deceit and destruction.

I hope you can work this out with your friend. And I do hope you make the right choice to talk to your parents about your little lie.

Momma's Expectations Heavy Load to Carry

Dear Dee:
I pride myself in the fact my relationship with my mother is a bit better than the average. But still, she's hurting me even if she doesn't mean to.

All my life, she has told me the only average grade I am supposed to get is a 10 (Scandinavian grading system, 10 is consistent with the grade A in USA): any less than a perfect 10, I am too lazy, I don't read enough, I don't appreciate what I have and she's very disappointed in my performance. Her reasoning as to why I must get the perfect score every time is I'm so smart, I should. Now that I've reached college, the same still goes on.

But what she doesn't realize is in my school, grades don't really matter much, and only the finals matter the most. And yet, she expects me to keep a grade 10-average, and her constant hounding is stressing me ... a lot.

My self-confidence is at an all time low because I feel I'm a complete loser and every time I feel even so much as a sliver of pride in my schoolwork, my mother erases it completely by telling me my performance is inadequate in comparison to my alleged superior intelligence.

When I try to tell her that her demands are affecting my schooling in itself, she doesn't listen to me and starts comparing me to her and how she was already on her own at my age and had a job and studied on the side and tells me I'm wasting my talent, that I should have a part-time job as I study.

I want to tell her she's hurting me. I want to tell her I can't keep living in the same house with her if she keeps this up. I want to tell her if she truly thinks of me as an adult, she should let me make my own decisions.

But how am I going to make her listen to me, really listen, tell her how I feel and do all this without hurting her? I don't want her to feel bad. She's gone through enough in her life already, but I can't keep living under this pressure she puts on me.

Any advice you may have is greatly appreciated.

Parental expectations can be one of the heaviest loads we can possibly carry. I actually know what you're going through here.

And believe me, if you do not get it taken care of now, you will spend the rest of your life constantly trying to please your mother ... and it kills when nothing seems to be good enough or the special words 'I'm proud of you' aren't spoken. Seriously, it is very important you take care of this right now.

So, it seems to me you've been very respectful and accommodating to your mother and her wishes up to this point. You've tried with all your might to do what she wants you to do and to live up to her expectations. With taking the drastic step into adulthood and entering college, you've realized there really isn't a way to balance reality and the overbearing expectations of your mom and you need to break free of it, really and take control of your life. You need your mom to understand she has raised you to do your best. She has raised you to do the right things. And she has raised you to be a strong, independent woman ... now she needs to lighten up and have faith in how she's raised you.

How do you do this? Well, you've got to talk to her. This isn't going to be an easy conversation and the fact you want to spare her feelings is admirable, but you've got to have this talk and you've got to be forceful -- yet respectful. It's time.

Your mom needs to know that above all, you love her and you appreciate her. You acknowledge her gentle urging inspires you and makes you want to do your best, BUT ... the pressure she's putting on you is too much for you to handle.

The bottom line? You've got to spell it out VERY clear ... YOU AND YOUR MOM ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. WHAT WORKED FOR HER, DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU. You handle stress differently, you handle situations differently, and lastly, your goals are different.

You need to let your mom know that by constantly expecting more than you can give, she is driving a wedge between the two of you and is putting a strain on your relationship that will eventually cause you to pull away from her completely. She needs to understand it's not healthy. And, in the end, the pressure she's putting you under will give way to resentment and ruin the most important relationship that's in your life right now.

Let your momma know you are doing your best. You are studying, working hard and dedicated to being the best student you can be in college. But you have to do this your way -- and while you will always strive for grade perfection, sometimes, it's not gonna happen. Just as she has to let you make mistakes in life, she needs to let you get through school on your own terms as well. Tell her to have faith in how she's raised you and the values she's instilled in you. Tell her to trust you.

It is very important you let your mom know how her words and unreasonable expectations are hurting you and how they are causing you to start to resent and harbor bitterness towards her. Regardless of the grading systems and how grades are measured/what matters/what doesn't matter ... this is a REAL problem that's affecting your relationship -- and if she wants to have a healthy relationship with you, she needs to lighten up. NOT LET GO in encouraging you to do your best, ... but stop the comparisons. Stop the over-analyzing and get back to encouraging and trusting ... this is the only way you two will get through this.

I know this will be a brutal conversation. But it's got to happen. And if you need a little help, feel free to print this out and send it to your momma. And if you do that, let her know you love her and appreciate her ... because it could be the opposite ... she could just not care at all.

I wish you the best of luck and thank you so so so much for reading.

Boyfriend Drives Wedge Between Sisters

Dear Dee:
My older sister and I used to have a good relationship until she met her boyfriend almost two years ago. She's completely changed! She moved out with him in the middle of nowhere and never talks to me!

We get in fights whenever we talk and I tried to tell her how I got depressed while she lived with our family and how I want to not fight and get along and stuff like that but it ends in a fight. I talked to the school counselor about it and she told me she thinks my sister will come around eventually, but it has been TWO years! I don't know what to do. Please help!

Your sister's made a lot of changes in her life and it doesn't sound like those changes have been for the better.

Sometimes, when we do things that aren't exactly 'right' for us or create tension in the family, it makes our attitudes change towards the ones we love. This is what I think has happened with your sis. She has allowed this guy to change what's important to her.

I don't know the situation surrounding her moving out and in with him, but if that caused any conflict in your family, your sister is probably still acting out on that. She is wrong to treat you this way -- and right now, she's more concerned about herself than anything else.

She will come around. And you'll find she will apologize for being such a jerk. She'll feel really bad about being mean to you and upsetting you. And more than likely you'll find you're closer then you've ever been.

Do your best to try to talk to her casually whenever you can. Don't bring up the depression or anything that could make her feel guilty about moving out. Just talk to her -- start with that. Then later, as things get better, you two can start diving into the other stuff again. But just give it time. And most of all, don't give up on her. She's your sister ... you don't get that luxury!

Overwhelmed at Home & School

Dear Dee:
To me at this point at my life, it sucks. being middle school is so hard for me I can barely keep up with my school work and people treat me like I'm some kind of freak or something or cast me aside like garbage.

On top of that, I have family issues. Sometimes I wish I can get away from it all. The only way I can is to read or draw. It's like when I'm reading, I am in my own world where I can be alone. And when I draw I let my feelings show.

But, with my parents working, a lazy talkative 17-year-old, two younger sisters I have to keep from tearing at each other's throats and a feisty 2-year-old cousin, who do you think gets stuck with all the work?

So you can only be imagine right know what I go through every day. I only have one question to ask you, what do I do?

You keep your head up and keep your outlook positive.

You are lucky in that you have hobbies you love -- reading and drawing are excellent escapes from life around you and it is important for you to take that time whenever you start to feel overwhelmed or at a breaking point. Everyone needs 'me' time and with the demands of your home life and your school schedule, it's extremely important!

Also, I know you are trying to help your parents, but it is important to let them know you're feeling overwhelmed in all you've taken on at home. Granted, a certain amount of help is required and expected -- but it might be that they've given you a little more responsibility than you're ready to take on. So, you should talk to them.

Just be sure that when you do this, you are respectful and truthful. Tell them how you feel.

You know, middle school is hard. And there is no excuse for how you're being treated at school. But I would encourage you to keep your head up and know that you are extremely valuable and important. If these kids around you can't see that, that's their loss. And one day, you're outshine them all. I know it. Just do your best to get through it and keep your head up. You are a very important part of this world and you have a purpose that is only yours to fulfill. Remember that. It should make you feel so very special knowing that you are unique and destined to something great and a life only you can live to its fullest.

Don't forget it.

Odd & Proud of It; But Mom Hates It

Dear Dee:
I'm 15 years old, but I have a very different mindset from most of my peers. The other girls in my high school seem to be shallow and find me 'cute' because of the way I talk (very formally, with little slang and very few contractions) and the way I dress (mostly my Aunt's clothing; purple lace figures prominently).

I have no interest at all in trying to be someone I'm not, to have a friendship with the other girls at my school, though I did try for a while. The ones who don't think I'm 'cute' are afraid of me.

Mom is concerned for me and tells me I have to stop acting in such an odd manner, but I don't see how I can change the way I speak, act, dress, and think just to fit in with society's idea of the norm. My mother insists I go to Youth Group at my father's church, even though the vast majority of the people there are fanatics (and I mean in the strictest sense of the word, many of them have told me I am devil-spawn and going to burn in hell for all eternity unless I worship their God with slavish devotion).

She forces me into uncomfortable social situations and makes me hang out with girls I don't know who have no interests in common with me.

I have a group of boys who I hang out with, and we get along fairly well even though they are somewhat crude on occasion. I do have things in common with them, and have been fast friends with two of them since I was in the sixth grade. Mom has been pressuring me since sixth grade to change, because she doesn't think it is appropriate or acceptable for a 15-year-old girl to have only male friends.

Not only does she want me to have different friends, she doesn't want me reading the books and stories I like. She tells me the writings of Lovecraft, Poe, and Derlith are 'too scary' and have no redeeming value whatsoever. She has given me books she deems appropriate, and I have found them all so sickly sweet and falsely happy I cannot stomach them.

I like the things I read, the people I hang out with, and my life in general. I see no reason to change. What do you think?

I also do not think you should change and conform to the norm if you are being true to yourself and what you believe.

But I also know, however, you should honor and respect your parents. Does that mean you have to conform to what your parents think is right for you in the way you act, dress and socialize? To some degree, yes.

When I lived at home, as long as you were under my parent's roof you went to church each time the doors were open. Those were the rules of the house. And as a respectful daughter, I obeyed. I didn't always like it, but I did it because my parents were the ones paying the bills and responsible for raising me until I moved out. So you won't get any sympathy out of me in regards to being forced to go to church. In fact, I'd encourage you to embrace it and learn. Faith is something that can change your life if you let it. And the hope this faith brings can totally give you an outlook on life that'll help you through all your rough times.

Now, your letter told me a few things about you. You're passionate about who you are and you don't mind not being considered main stream. But I don't read a lot of tolerance in your tone. If you want your parents and others to accept you as you are (instead of thinking you're 'cute' or 'weird')shouldn't you display tolerance in your dealings with others? For instance, in the way you described the fanatical people at your church or in the way you talked about the authors you dislike.

I would ask you to embrace the world around you -- the norm and the different -- just as you want people to respect and honor your choices. I think you'll find that when you display some tolerance, the same courtesy might be extended to you.

Also, have you tried to have a heart-to-heart with your mom about your friends and your beliefs? I am sure your mom is just worried about you and wants what's best. Parents have a hard time when their children are kind of on the outside looking in socially. If you're happy with where you are in life, you need to tell her and let her know you're not wanting for anything. When you talk to her, be respectful and ask her to really, really hear you. I am not gonna say she'll change her mind, but if you can prove to her you aren't just a rebellious teen who's going through a phase and you're really happy in your friendship choices (as long as your friends aren't dangerous and aren't totally inappropriate) then maybe she'll ease up.

Hey, one more thing: I have to give you props on your grammar and spelling ... I only had to edit your entry slightly ... You're a very well-spoken young lady.

Even Cheerleaders Get Pregnant

Dear Dee:
I know this is more than likely how every girl's message starts out ... I had unprotected sex. I'm 16 and my boyfriend just turned 19. We've been together for a year in December and I think I'm pregnant.

I'm a smaller person. I'm about 5'1 or 5'2'. I weigh about 110lbs and I'm a cheerleader. I don't know what to do.

Well, thankfully, most of the questions I get from girls DO NOT start the way yours did. But regardless, I am here to help -- especially in desperate situations.

The first thing you have to do is find out for sure if you are pregnant. Buy an over-the-counter pregnancy test, go to the doctor or go to a free clinic that offers tests. You've got to find out for sure before you can figure out what's next.

If you're not pregnant, thank your lucky stars you dodged a life-changing bullet and straighten up your act.Step 1: Dump the adult boyfriend who's not smart enough to wear a condom (you do know it's actually illegal for you two to be dating and/or having sex?) Realize that you're not old enough to be dealing with the adult situations/emotions/responsibilities that having sex brings to the table. And get your priorities straight. Finish school. Enjoy cheerleading and don't get involved in situations you're not ready for or equipped to handle yet. Be smart!

If you are pregnant, it's time to sit down and have a talk with your parents and your boyfriend. It's also time for you to realize your decisions now involve more than one person and affect more than one person.

Many girls in your situation make different decisions. Deciding what's right for you is up to you. This decision can only be made with trusted council and consideration. Don't do anything hastily or without thinking it through. I do not support abortion -- so I will not discuss that option, but of course adoption or raising the child yourself are viable, but extremely difficult options; each accompanied with their own rewards and sacrifices.

I encourage you to contact the family crisis hotlines I have listed here on Dear Dee. Surround yourself with a support group of people who can help advise you and who truly have your best interests at heart. Find such people through your local church, your own family and within your circle of friends.

I really wish you the best of luck and want to know what happens when you take the test. I am here to support you -- as most of my readers know, I was a 16-year-old mom. And I know how important it is to have a strong support system in place.

Read my Teen Pregnancy Story here. And just maybe, you can draw some encouragement through it.

Being Happy, Despite Dysfunctional Home

Dear Dee:
I have a kind of screwy relationship with my parents. My dad was really not nice to me when I was younger. Whenever I wet the bed, he hit me very hard on the backside, so that it bruised, and then made me sleep on the floor. Once he broke the light fixture on accident when he ripped the blankets off the bed, and I had to sleep on the broken glass, but I didn't get cut or anything.

When I was having night terrors, and would sometimes come into my parents room to make sure they weren't dead like they were in my dream, Mom would tie my door shut from the outside so that I couldn't get out. She sometimes slaps me on the arms or calls me dirty names, or touches me in ways that I don't like (not sexual, but I was hurt by a babysitter as a kid, and I can't stand anyone touching my neck or back.) When I ask her about calling me names, she says that she 'was only teasing', and if I ask her not to touch me, she says she doesn't remember ever touching me, so I must have dreamt it, or I'm confused.

But sometimes they're really, really nice to me. I've been sick for two years and they always were so nice when I was in the hospital or in a lot of pain. Whenever I was really sick, they were suddenly the best parents in the world. Mom's also really nice to me when I get good grades on my tests. She tells me that I'm smart and pretty, and will have a good life.

But when I get a bad grade, she tells me that if I don't start 'applying' myself, I'll end up fat and worthless and married to an abusive drunk who will make me have a lot of children, and that I'll never hold a job or be able to write.

I love them very much, but they only love me when I'm their ideal of a perfect daughter, or so it seems. I'm really confused, and all I want, more than anything, is for them to love me. How do I get my mom and dad to love me all the time, instead of just when I manage to be 'perfect'?

The emotional agony you're suffering because you just want to get positive attention and love from your parents totally rips me up inside. I wish I had answers for you, but this is an area I just can't give you solid advice in. I urge you to contact someone at one of our family crisis hotlines and talk through this with a professional.

There is truly something dysfunctional and not right about what you're dealing with and you shouldn't have to deal with conditional love from your parents. Parental love should be there through the good, bad and the ugly. And while I know it's painfully difficult, you need to realize you may never please them and focus on making yourself happy.

You are worth happiness despite what your parents say or do. You can and will succeed despite how they've treated you and you must realize that. You must do all you can to rise above this pitiful family/home life they've given you and live a happy, full life despite them.

You can do this. You've just got to dig down and find the strength to overcome it. I know you have this strength. I can sense it in your words.

Please talk to someone on the hotlines or talk to a counselor at school. I beg you. And please keep me posted.

Pregnant 15-Year-Old Seeks Encouragement

Dear Dee:
I came across your page while surfing the internet for any advice on my current situation.

I'm 15 and expecting my son April 14th. I've always been the girl who found some way to screw up. I was never a role model and now I have to be. It was hard to stop the drug use, alcohol and even smoking, but I thought to myself each time I wanted any of that that it was all worth it!

I'm having this baby, this bundle of joy to call my own. It wasn't planned, I had no intention on giving birth to a child while being a sophomore. Things are going well though, my mom and I have reconciled after our dying relationship was on the verge of nonexistence. We've grown and gotten closer. She's the only one I have through this whole thing.

But I don't know how to be a good mom if everyone in the world looks down on me for being so young.

Girls like you are the reason I do this, honey. And while I can't tell you everything is going to be easy and I can't give you all the answers, but I will encourage you and lift you up in my thoughts and in my prayers every single day ... that, I promise.

You are so young to have to live with the consequences of bad decisions and irresponsibility, but know that everything happens for a purpose and it is now your responsibility to seek out that purpose and be the best mother you can be. You don't know how? Don't worry. This is where you surround yourself with people who can help. Find them at your local church, your hospital's parenting support group and even right here on 'Dear Dee.'

Every single time you think of drinking, taking drugs or doing anything that is reflective of your former life, remember that every single thing you do affects another person and YOU are the only person who can bring this child into this world healthy and happy.

With your mother's help, work towards bettering yourself. Don't think just because you're a 15-year-old mom, you can't finish school and make something out of yourself. This is 100 percent not true. It will most definitely be more difficult for you than it is the average girl, but it is still extremely possible. You can rise above the statistics and the whispers of people who don't know any better -- and you can make it through this with your head held high. Work hard. Cry when you need to and do not be ashamed of who you are and what you are striving to become.

I feel, by reading your email, you get the huge responsibility you now have. But I also feel it would be easy for you to fall into your former life. I'd encourage you to build a support group of people you trust who can help you. Find these people outside your normal circle of friends and ask them to help you walk the straight and narrow. Ask them to council you, encourage you and to tell you the truth when you might be heading down the wrong path. Find these people at a church or maybe at a parenting group your local hospital might have. DON'T lose heart no matter what happens. (I know I said this earlier, but it is so important I wanted to repeat it!)

Know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that YOU are beautifully and wonderfully made and that everything -- EVERYTHING -- happens for a purpose. And you and your child have a calling and a place on this earth. Remember how special you are and how special your unborn child is. No matter what mistakes you've made, nothing changes that. And with this baby, from here on out, totally renounce the 'girl who always finds a way to screw up' and commit to make good, strong, solid responsible decisions. YOU CAN DO IT. I have faith in you.

PLEASE keep me informed. And if you can, even send me a picture of your sweet boy. I will, I promise, keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

As a side note, did you read my Teen Pregnancy Story? I hope it can encourage you.

I send you tons of hugs.

Family Into Sports, But I'm Not

Dear Dee:
I am not so into sports. I like playing, but am really not that good.

My family, it seems, is trying to convince me I am, like, the problem child. I want to be a lot like my brother and sister because I look up to them SO much, but here my brother is, saying "Oh- I played basketball, soccer, football, hockey ... etc ... and here she is, not playing anything."

What they also don't get is that I WANT to walk to school if it's nice out, I WANT to play sports, but I can't go out for a league because all of the other girls would have been playing for a long time. Also, I'm REALLY busy. Asking me to add a sport to my busy schedule is a lot to ask of me.

But I am literally about to cry. When my brother is upset or disappointed in me, I feel like poo. Honestly. I don't want to keep feeling like this.

If you flat out don't want to play an organized sport, then don't. And no one should be disappointed in you for that -- regardless of what your brother and sister have done or do.

You are your own person -- and you have your own individual skills. While I omitted your schedule from this post, it is totally 'whoa'! You are quite, quite busy and if adding a sport to that would send you over the edge, then don't do it! Be proud of what you are good at and what you are accomplishing through your other commitments.

And really, where your brother is concerned -- tell him that you admire, respect and adore all he does but that you are NOT him. You want to make a mark in stuff that you're good at -- not follow in his shadow on the basketball court. Tell him it's his job as an older brother to encourage you and to support you in the activities you want to pursue -- just as you support him in his.

And hey, if you can't tell him this, just print this out and let me do it! (HI BIG BRO!!!)

Anyway, you most definitely have a lot going on and that is great. But remember, enjoying your activities, commitments and extra curriculars is part of the fun -- so don't schedule so much of your time up that you literally don't have time to enjoy any of the things you're doing. You don't want to burn out and you don't want this time in your life to be a blur because you couldn't savor your hobbies and interests.

Dad Won't Let Me Date

Dear Dee:
My dad thinks I am too young to date.

I am 14 years old and have never dated before. He won't even let me text the guy I like. He took my phone away. For my 14 birthday this other guy gave me a ring. My dad said it was inappropriate for a guy to give a girl jewelry (a ring).

Now the guy I really like thinks I am mad at him but I am not! Is my dad over reacting or am I?

I actually don't think your dad is overreacting.

He makes the rules! And if I preach ANYTHING in this column, it's that respecting and honoring your parent's decisions and rules is vital. It is vital for your future success as an adult and also extremely important to help you develop their trust and respect. So when your dad IS ready for you to date, you won't have any problems convincing him you're ready.

See, a lot of us make the mistake of jumping into dating too early, doing stupid stuff (read Major Embarrassment in the Computer Room and Beyond Second Base for examples) and then getting into BIG trouble emotionally, morally and with our parents.

If you give yourself a few more years, you can make tons of guy friends, flirt a little and really figure out what you want in a guy and get yourself together and prepared for dating.

I know, I know! You're rolling your eyes at me ... but seriously. This is the way to go! Respect your dad's decisions. Don't fight him on it. I promise you'll get so much farther with him later when he allows you to date, if you honor him now.

Oh, just as a side note, any decent guy will also respect your dad's decision to not let you date. If the guy makes fun of you or trash talks your dad for his rules, then stay away from this guy ... seriously. That's downright disrespectful to your father -- and to you.

My Parents' Divorce Is Scaring Me

Dear Dee:
I am having a little problem with my family. My parents are going to get a divorce, and I am really scared.

I am scared about my mom getting a boyfriend and my dad getting a girlfriend. My mom is smoking and I always tell her to stop and that it's not good for you.

I am really scared about this and I have to go to this psychiatrist. And it seems like he doesn't help. I don't want to be worried or scared, I want everything to be OK. What should I do?

My hope is your parents have sat you down and talked to you about this -- giving you the reasons behind their separation and letting you know that they will take care of you and love you regardless of what is going on between them.

What you have to do is understand their separating is not your fault. You also have to understand, while it is painful, life does go on. If your parents don't work this out and do get divorced, they both will more than likely date again. And again, this won't affect the way they feel about you.

I encourage you to sit down with your parents separately or together and talk to them about your fears. Tell them you're scared and that you need them to reassure you that they will continue to love and take care of you as they always have. Talk to your mom directly and point blank about the smoking and tell your dad that his always needing 'alone time' is making you feel alienated and unimportant.

Remember this is probably difficult for them emotionally as well -- and sometimes, this type of situation causes people to look only at themselves and how it is affecting them vs. others. YOU NEED TO LET THEM KNOW it's affecting you and causing you emotional pain.

I am glad you're speaking to a psychiatrist, but if this person isn't really helping, maybe you could try someone on our family help hotlines. Their unbiased opinions might be just what you need -- or maybe an unknown listening ear would do the trick.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time -- I do know though, you'll be OK.

Embarrassment In Computer Room

Dear Dee:
I'm a 16-year-old girl and this past August my boyfriend and I were in my computer room upstairs in my house and my parents walked in when he was touching me down there.

They threw him out and won't let me ever see him again. This has been an issue in my house for months and my boyfriend has done everything in his power to try to make amends. He's written a lengthy letter for my parents explaining how wrong he was and how sorry and how he just wants to be with me.

My parents don't trust me and I want to gain their trust back. I can't deal with not being able to see my boyfriend. I just need help. Any advice to help my parents and my boyfriend make amends so that we can be together again would be great.

We're just kids and I know what we did was wrong and very disrespectful but the measures my parents are taking, I feel are too severe and it's making me very depressed.

They think he is just trying to make things better because he only wants one thing. It has been four months and he's still trying to make things better. My parents have told me that if I go behind their backs and go with him when I go to college they will never speak to me again or pay for college. This situation is tearing my whole life apart. please help me, Dee. I don't know what to do.

To earn back their trust and to show them you are in control of yourself, you've got to really believe what you're telling me. Are you really sorry or are you just sorry you got caught? Think about it.

What happened in your computer room is in the past. But what are you going to do in the future when the same opportunity arises? Are you going to get caught up in the moment again or do your best to keep yourself OUT of that type of situation? These are exactly the things you need to think about before you can even think of your parents letting up on their punishment.

You're going to have to sit down with your parents. I know you probably already have, but I would imagine it hasn't been as mature of a conversation as it needs to be. You need to sit them down, talk to them calmly, without tears, accusations and yelling plead your case. No 'this isn't fair' comments -- or nothing that is not 100 percent representative of you taking the blame for your actions.

Talk to your parents about how you feel morally and what your boundaries are (which means you seriously need to think about what your boundaries are!). Tell them while the situation was extremely embarrassing, you know it happened for the best -- as it has made you understand what type of young lady you want to become.

What you should propose to your parents is that while you are earning their trust back, you and your boyfriend only be allowed together in an adult's company -- whether it be with them or with his parents. Tell them you will not sneak around to be alone, but will live your relationship out in the open under their eyes until they feel you're able to go out on dates alone. Also talk to them about your relationship. Let them know that he is truly special to you and you know you're special to him as well. Talk about your time together and your conversations and what you have in common.

Remember, talk to them respectfully. As an adult would. And as a person who is 200 percent in the wrong would, asking for redemption and a second chance.

I would also encourage you to talk to them about your plans for the future -- your college plans, etc. and how you will not let this relationship interfere with that.

On a final note, I want to let you you shouldn't allow ANYONE to touch your body in a romantic way until you're married. And while in today's world, this is seen as old fashioned, the bottom line is that morally, this is what's right and what's good. You said you know your actions were disrespectful -- but I am wondering if you think your actions were disrespectful to your parents --and in some small way they were. But the bigger picture is you disrespected yourself by letting yourself believe you weren't worth waiting for.

I do hope your parents can let you slowly regain their trust -- and I do wish you all the best. PLEASE keep me informed.

13 & I'm Invisible

Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and recently it feels like everyone has just been leaving me out. Not too long ago, my friend and I got into a fight. When we apologized and made up she said she lied about me being boring but when I confronted her about it she then said that I was boring but a fun type of boring.

I understood but I still felt like it was my fault she has to put up with me.

Then recently my parents have been getting angry with me for everything I seem to do. They also decided we'd move sometime in March and start looking for a house this week and the next. And when I told them my opinions about why I didn't like the house they didn't even listen.

All they can think about is making money. And it feels like they haven't been listening to me at home either. Nobody seems to care about what I have to say. I want to just lock away my words, but when I tried so many years ago because all the other kids were picking on me, my parents grounded me for being rude and not listening or answering them.

I'm the only vegetarian in the house too, but my parents are always lecturing me about how it's not right or healthy, or how animals are meant to be eaten. Now all I want to do is cry, drop out of school, and wait to die. I don't know what to do.

Parents sometimes think they're doing all they can to act in your best interests, but forget that sometimes, all we really need is to just be heard. Ultimately the decision is theirs -- where we live, where we move to and other life-altering decisions rest in their domain until we reach 18 and move out -- but still, it's nice to know they take the time to hear our opinions.

Especially in this case, I would urge you to tell your parents you really need to talk to them -- not only about your moving situation but about how you feel they aren't letting you in on key decisions. Tell them you understand they don't have to do what you want, but let them know you would like to be heard and considered -- as a viable, contributing member of the family.

Now, you kinda shoot yourself in the foot so to speak if you don't approach this with a respectful and obedient attitude. You must admit to knowing they have authority over you -- and that you respect that. And you also must admit to knowing they will do what's best for you in the end. But show them you're able to make rational decisions and not stomp off when you're disagreed with. That you'd welcome a dialogue.

OK. Now onto your friend ... I hate to say it, but a friend doesn't tell another friend she's ... BORING. That's just uncool. So let's ditch this sister and find some friends who appreciate you for who you are.

Remember you're going through a lot of changes right now -- you're new to the teen-age thing and you're hormones are racing! New experiences and change surround you -- so you're bound to feel like you're out of your element and downright out of control of what's happening.

Dropping out of school, harming yourself or even deciding to curl up and wait it out are all cowardly responses to what's happening in your life right now. And the remark you made about wanting to die is also an overreaction to what's going on. Meet it dead on and take charge of what's happening in your life emotionally. Talk to an adult you trust or contact a professional on one of our hotlines.

I want you to know you are important. Your opinion matters and you have tons of exciting adventures ahead of you -- don't go off the deep end emotionally right now because of some trials -- show you can muster up the strength to get through this. Get some help and be stronger for asking for it. You'll find you understand yourself better once you get through this and you'll be able to look back on it as a huge learning experience. I know you can do it. And I know you can work through it. I will be thinking of you. And please, let me know how it all works out.

Friends' Concern Gets Annoying

Dear Dee:
I lost my mom a couple years ago, but I am OK with it.

When people realize she is deceased, they are all like "I'm sorry for you" or " are you okay?". I think it is sweet of them to be concerned but how do I let them know that I don't want to talk about it?

I even had a girl come up to me and ask if I would get mad if people talked about their moms. It really gets annoying after awhile. I'm usually not mean but they get under my skin so often.

The fact it actually gets under your skin when people ask you about your mom tells me you're actually NOT OK with it. And you know what? That's OK, too.

You don't have to talk about it right now -- maybe one day, you'll want to. And when that day comes, you don't want to have alienated people now who could be there when you need them. So, as politely as you can, just tell them 'Yeah, I lost my mom a few years back, but it's not something I like to talk about.'

Most people will back off at that point. And don't take offense at your friends asking you if it's OK to talk about their mothers -- seriously, they're being sensitive to you and really trying to make sure you're not offended or hurt in their company.

So while it may seem annoying to have people treat you so delicately sometimes, remember they are doing it out of concern for you. And with that concern, if you express it correctly, will come an understanding of what you want to discuss/don't want to discuss and an understanding of what you are comfortable with.

Try not to get annoyed. I think once you try to look past the 'inconvenience' of having to answer the same questions over and over again, and understand the caring and concern that goes into asking maybe you'll be able to put up with it a little longer.

I have to say it, if ever you do decide you want to talk about your mom, please seek out an adult you trust or try one of the hotlines listed here. When you're ready, you'll really need a great listener -- you'll be surprised how much you have to say and how great it will feel to finally say it.

Best to you.

Is My Mom Cheating On My Dad?

Dear Dee:
My mom doesn't tell my dad she loves him anymore. They fight at times. But that's not the problem. The main thing I'm worried about is she texts a guy from her work 24/7 and she doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore!

Does this mean she's cheating? What do I do?

This does not mean your mom is cheating with this guy at work. But I can't say she's most definitely not, either. It sounds like your mom is unhappy right now and is looking for ways to fix that -- instead of facing it head on and working through it with your dad. Now we don't know the particulars of what's going on between them. So the first thing to remember is not to judge or jump to conclusions.

Just remember she is in charge of her choices and what she's doing. Whatever is going on is not your fault. And I believe you have every single right to ask her what's happening. This is your family at stake here. Also, you asking her about her behavior might just be the jolt of reality she needs to realize her actions have consequences and what she does affects others besides just her.

I do hope your parents can work through this. Remember all marriages go through some rough spots and this could just be one of those. But if it's not, make sure you talk to someone you trust about how you feel about what's happening and don't keep it bottled up. You'll get through this.

Possibly Pregnant & Totally Screwed Up

Dear Dee:
Some of my friends told me that you knew how to give advice on being pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been going out a few months and, well, I've skipped my period. I think I am pregnant and the thing is I don't really care if I am.I know I can just have the baby and my parents will take care of it.

I figure it will just hold up my social life for a couple months, but then all should be back to normal. So, is there anything special I should know about being pregnant?

Hey, hold on a minute ... I have to go do something before I finish responding ... be right back ...

OK back now I had to go check my rule book to make sure I can actually say what I am going to say ...and it says go for it. So before I do, know that I write this in love and compassion, because I care.

... ... WAKE UP SILLY, FOOLISH GIRL. Who the heck do you think you are talking about a baby as casually as you would about which outfit you're going to wear on a date?

I don't even know you, and in the brief, two paragraphs you wrote me, I feel like I have you pegged: You sound selfish, unfeeling, totally irresponsible and outright ridiculous. It is girls like you who have children, leave others to raise them and wonder why those kids end up in jail, dead or so screwed up they spend more than half their lives in therapy.

So, first off take a pregnancy test. If you're not pregnant, no one will be happier for you than me. If you are, take it seriously and talk to someone you trust immediately to get some help -- you need a reality check and while I'd be happy to give you one, my little tongue lashing on this blog I am sure isn't going to be enough. So try one of our hotlines or sit down with a responsi