Guy Who's 'Like a Brother' Might Want More

I have an uneasy situation.
There's a guy who is just like a brother to me. I rarely talk to him because I feel a little shy with boys.
The other day, he and his friends decided to have dinner at our house for the whole family. I was invited. All of his friends and his brother kept teasing him and saying he liked me.
He acted strangely that day -- it seemed like he dressed differently, too -- like he was careful to dress really nice. After dinner, we decided to sing songs. He chose a song that means, in English, ' I will stop everything just to be with you.
My sister thinks something is going on, too. In fact, she seems mad about it.
I don't feel anything like that towards him. Why can't he just be a good brother to me, and that's it? This is making my heart ache and my headache. I don't want to be miserable wondering how he feels and if it will ruin what we already have.

I am hoping, in all the editing I got your question right up here. What country are you from? I am thrilled to have international readers!

So, the basic problem is: there's this guy, who is like a brother to you -- and has been forever. But now you think he has romantic feelings for you and you're not sure you want to go there because it might ruin what you have already. And, you're not even sure if you can or would like him in any other way BUT as a big brother, right?

Well, you need to go with your instincts here. If you value this guy as a part of your family and you don't think of him romantically, then don't entertain the thought. Don't jeopardize what you already have.

Now if his behavior continues to indicate he has stronger feelings for you, you may have to talk to him and let him know where you stand. And if you have to do that, be gentle. Be deliberate and make sure to let him know how important he is to you -- as a brother -- as a family member -- as someone you can count on.

There may be people in your family who push you towards this relationship, but remember it's your feelings that count here. Don't do something because your family wants you to. Don't let anyone force you into a relationship. You know how you feel so stand by it.

Things may be a little awkward for awhile, but work through it and be patient. It'll all work out.

Best friends & family make world crash in

Dear Dee:
I feel like my life is falling apart. My best friend is giving me the cold shoulder for no reason. We didn't get into a fight or anything but she suddenly has hostility towards me. I just found out my other friend has been telling my best friend just about everything I say.

Is it possible my best friend's distance is caused by a miscommunication between her and my other friend? To top everything off, my mom and sister keep fighting and screaming at each other.

I feel like I have nowhere that can be my escape. My escape was always my friends, but now since things changed, I always feel trapped everywhere I go. And I feel like the problems in my life are caused by me, so I'm constantly analyzing everything I do. What do I do? I feel like I'm running out of options.

You are not trapped. You are letting circumstances get the best of you.

Who knows what's up with your friends -- if your best friend is playing you against your other friends, then it's time to evaluate who your real friends are. Show them you don't take that kind of BS and sit them down and find out what the deal is. If no resolution comes from you confronting them head on, then show them their pettiness isn't going to get the best of you (even though it hurts like crazy). You can do this!

Come on. You know this. There has been numerous movies on the subject -- girls are mean and vicious. Sometimes, these mind games are their main sources of amusement! You can either keep playing into it by moping around or you can face it head on and deal with it by working out the issues, or walking away from the friendships if they're not healthy for you.

As for your home life, if your sister's and mother's bickering is getting to you, you have got to let your mother know. She needs to know her behavior towards your sister, and your sister's towards her is affecting your emotional sanity. Your momma probably doesn't realize how it is affecting you and I am sure she'd try to come up with a solution. And if not, then it's time to talk to someone you trust -- i.e. another family member, pastor, trusted adult -- who can mediate the situation.

Hang in there. Don't lose hope. You are an important young lady and your world is not falling apart. You are just overwhelmed by situations that mean a lot to you -- but don't let these situations define you. Find solace in things that make you happy -- a hobby, school, a walk outside. Find a quiet place. Take a step back and most of all, breathe.

Kentucky Teen Pregnant, Searching

Dear Dee:
Hello. I live in a small town in Kentucky. I'm also 15 years old and 23 weeks pregnant. I am writing you this because I need some advice. I don't know what to do. I'm still living at home with my parents, not old enough to have a job. I know I don't want to abort my baby boy, so if you can write me back I really need your advice. Please please write me back as soon as possible.

You definitely have a lot of hard decisions to make, honey. And you've already made it through some of them -- you decided against abortion and you've stayed with your parents so they can help you.

You didn't mention involvement of the dad here, so I am going to assume there really isn't any, so that makes it that much harder for you. But it isn't the time to focus on the fact you have hard decisions to make -- it's time to face the problems and make decisions because you're running out of time. That baby will be here before you know it and you need to be prepared and committed.

You are so young to be dealing with this, but unfortunately, now you have to make adult decisions -- regardless of your age. So let's talk about options.

Of course, adoption is out there. There are tons of very very capable families who would love to open their homes and hearts to your sweet baby boy. Some even are open adoptions, allowing the mother to chose the family and even be apart of that family in some way if she wishes. I don't know your family situation -- how you get on with your parents, etc. so it's hard to know what's best for you -- but honey, you know your heart.

Keeping this baby is always an option. But with that comes more responsibility than you can possibly imagine. It doesn't mean you suddenly drop out of school and become a mom. It means you're a mom who needs to stay in school, so she can get an education to provide for her baby. It means you have to let others in your family, those in your church and your friends help you make the best life possible for another person who is totally dependant on you. It is not something you can do half way -- because if you chose to keep this child, you're commitment has to be ironclad. Your child deserves nothing less.

It can be done. It really can be. I am testament to that (read my teen pregnancy story), as is my now 19-year-old who is in college. But it was hard and I had help -- a supportive family, a strong drive to always want to succeed and provide for him -- and a love for him that still is more than I can explain.

Being a young momma is rewarding -- but only if you are willing and able to make the sacrifices and choices that are right for your child. If you can't honestly say you will do whatever possible to make sure this child has the best life possible, then you aren't equipped to handle this. Be realistic and be true to what you know to be right and best for this baby.

Let your parents help you. Talk to a pastor, youth leader or someone you can trust about your options and your struggles. Feel free to utilize one of the pregnancy hotlines I have listed as well. If you truly are seeking to do what is best for this baby -- not only yourself -- then you'll make the right choice.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Lil' Sib Misses 'Great Big Sis I Used to Have'

Dear Dee:
My sister is the worst. She is always saying she will kill me . I know she's just joking around , but I want the old, great sis I used to have.

As siblings grow up, it's been my experience they do change and start treating each other differently. Especially when they get into the teen years. But hey, you can get through it!

Understand your sister is going through a lot of changes (and so are you). And try to help her through those by giving her some space and maybe not antagonizing her as much or teasing her. Since you don't give much detail as to how your relationship used to be, I can only guess she was great to you when you were younger and she didn't consider you an 'annoying little brother.' (I can say that, because I have three of them!)

So, are you doing anything that makes her rant or makes her mean? Are you being sensitive to the space she needs? And lastly, are you still showing her you like spending time with her and hanging out with her?

As sisters get older, it's hard to still get the quality time with them because friends come into the picture, but if you do your best to just hang out, let her know you love her and just wanna be with her, then she might soften up.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think her change in treatment of you is your fault. I think it's her just growing up. You do need to tell her it hurts your feelings to have her, even jokingly say she's 'gonna kill you' (not to mention, that in today's day and age, when brothers and sisters do actually kill each other sometimes it's just not a good thing to say). Let her know how much you love her and idolize her ... and most of all, tell her you're watching her because she's your hero.

Hang in there. And do all you can to help your sister and try to understand what she's going through. Because when it's your turn to go through all the same junk, she'll be supportive of you, too.

BF Doesn't Get Momma's Stamp of Approval

Dear Dee:
This guy that I am in love with, told me he still loves me but won't go out with me because he dislikes my mom. We went out before, but my mom didn't let me see him so he dumped me. He told me he would ask me out again when everything calmed down a bit. Now he barely even talks to me. What do I do to get him back?

Before you make any efforts to get this guy back, your first order of business is to find out why your mother doesn't like this him. She could see something or feel something you're not realizing. It's really important you hear her out and try to understand her reasoning. Then, you can talk to her about your feelings and see if you can change her mind. Maybe you can suggest you invite him over so your mom can spend some time seeing what kind of young man he is. In turn, this would allow you to observe him a little more closely too ... maybe the reason your momma doesn't like him would jump out at you.

Now, keep in mind here, you're asking your mother to treat you with respect and as a young adult. So when you talk to her, make sure you show her the respect she deserves as your momma. If you want to get straight answers from her, you have to show her you can handle them and are old enough to hear her out -- even if you don't agree. She's still the authority in your life and you have to honor that.

If your mom changes her mind, and you still want to date this guy, play it right. It's possible, with the time passed, he's moved on. And if he has, honor that and see if he comes back around. But if he is still interested, talk to him about not holding a grudge against your mother, etc. And how you expect him to treat her right -- regardless of the past.

This is probably all you can do at this point. Don't chase after him. If things don't work out right now, maybe they will later -- or maybe he's just the wrong guy for you right now. Understand, I am sure your momma has your best interests at heart and she definitely wants what's best for you. ... and in her mind, maybe he's just not it.

Momma Feels She's Losing Grip on Son

Dear Dee:
My son is 13 years old. Up until a month ago, he was the perfect child and student. All of a sudden, his grades started slipping, he started smoking and knows where to buy drugs.

Even though I believe in my heart he is not taking illegal substances, I am concerned with the type of friends he has. He also started talking to me like I am nothing in his life, excepts when he needs money etc.

I have now informed all the parents of his friends what is happening and he is grounded for the next 3 weeks. My heart is breaking, he is so young and throwing away his whole life. Some of the other parents just don’t care and says they are big enough to make their own decisions.

How can I keep him away from these children or make him understand? I have tried talking to him, but he only gives me a blank stare. I want my son back, it feels like I am losing him. Please help.

Mom, I normally don't answer questions from parents -- only young adults -- but your question, I wanted to respond to, because the response can benefit my readers and hopefully you, too (and I've been there!).

Once kids hit the teen years, some parents think it's time to stop parenting and become more of a best friend ... well ... our kids have best friends at school. They don't need them at home, too. Once adolescence hits, it's like the world looks at our kids differently. They're no longer kids, but not really adults. And the pressures are way way serious in their world. So, it's more important than ever, parents know what's going on in their teen's lives and they guard against, and instruct them on how to handle these pressures.

I know when I was that age, there were times I hated my mom and dad for being in my face, getting into my business and always butting in when I didn't want them to. But, my parents didn't care. They didn't let the fact I yelled, had a cruddy attitude and treated them like sh** impact their involvement in my life. They instructed me, kept me in line and never let me forget they loved me and were doing it all for my own good.

You've mentioned your son's attitude and actions are getting a little out of hand. It is your job, however painful for you, to keep on him. Keep in line. Ride him about his grades and keep him away from kids you don't want him hanging with. Do whatever necessary to keep him on the right track. He's going to see it as hateful and none of your business, but later, he'll be glad you did it.

His actions right now, can define the rest of his life. And whether or not you want to believe it, you, as the parent, are ultimately responsible for him. Do not give up on him. Do not let him do whatever he wants. And most of all, do not let him throw his life away. Do whatever you have to and keep him away from those friends and keep him from smoking. Seriously ... if you have to hire him a stinkin' babysitter (or make him get a job at a boys club) after school or for the summer -- make him accountable to authority -- and make him understand if he wants responsibility and wants to make his own choices, he has to prove he's worthy of making the right ones.

This won't be easy. But from one mother to another, it's what you HAVE to do. I've been through it. And regardless of what he says to you now (I am sure, when you lay down the law, some 'I hate you' comments and various other choice words will be thrown around), he will come back to you. There's a special bond between a mother and her son. That sweet boy is in there somewhere and with guidance, you can get him back.

Now, to my faithful readers who are shaking their heads in defiance of this post: I am hoping you can understand and read into the agony this mother is going through because of the actions of her son. She is seeing the BIG PICTURE -- how his actions affect his future, his goals and how they can define the man he will become.

It's hard for us to see the big picture --how actions affect our entire lives -- whether it be letting our grades slip, smoking or hanging out with the wrong friends -- but they all do. Remember the phrase, 'actions speak louder than words?' Well, our actions define us and shape us into the adults we become. Granted, people who make wrong choices as kids turn out just fine all the time -- but it's usually because some wise adult steered them back onto the right path or an experience in our lives scared them straight.

So understand nothing I wrote to this mother is meant to be said against you -- and nothing I wrote is meant to make your lives a living hell. This boy needs this kind of guidance right now and this mother needs encouragement and strength to help get her son back on the right path.

Maybe this will help us all see what kind of angst and agony our parents go through when we're not exactly making the smartest choices. And how important their guidance and advice and sometimes, hard-headed rules are, to helping us become smart, strong and responsible adults.

Dealing with the Meanest Sister Ever

Dear Dee:
I have a super mean sister. What should I do? She is an older sister (8th grade) and she thinks just because she is older than me, she always has to be right. Help!

Hum ... a super mean sister, huh? That's totally uncool, but it's pretty normal for an older sis to be kinda mean sometimes and to always want to be right. After all, she's supposed to have all the answers and know more than you, her younger sister.

But, understandably, this can get extremely annoying and make your life miserable. So it's important to try to figure out a way to deal with your sis. Now, you probably don't know everything that's going on in her life. And the 7th and 8th grade bring around a lot of changes. So, do your best to give your sister space. She's going through changes right now that probably have her a little confused, flustered and uncertain (and you'll be going through them, too soon).

I have no idea if you're antagonizing your sister or if you guys fight quite a bit. But if you do, try to take a few steps back and give your sister space. When you feel things getting a little strained or you feel an argument coming on, walk away and cool down.

Instead of letting your sister get on your nerves, hurt your feelings or make you mad, walk away before that happens and resume your conversation when you're both a little more clear-headed. (That is, if it needs to be continued. Walking away to cool down, might show you that what you were discussing/arguing about wasn't worth it.)

Really, your situation isn't any different than most people who have siblings (my brother got mad at me once and shot me with a Beebe gun ... I still have a scar). What you have to learn to do, is try to be the 'bigger' person and not play into the teasing, the taunting and the overall jerkish behavior of a sibling who's being mean. It's difficult, but after awhile, they'll stop if you show you're not going to allow it to bother you.

It sucks that, to make it bearable right now to live with your sister, you have to be the bigger person and avoid her aggrevation. But you won't regret doing it. It'll help you stay sain and it will probably help her realize how horrid she's being.

I know it's tough right now to deal with your sister. But it'll get better and she'll end up being the best friend you could ever have or would ever want to have. (And you'll laugh about how the two of you would torture each other. I know. You've heard that a thousand times.) So hang in there.

Time to Tell the 'Rents about the BF

Dear Dee:
I just started dating this really great guy. He wants me to go on a boat with him and to the movies and stuff but my mom doesn't know I'm dating him. She doesn't know I've had boyfriends in the past either.

I keep telling him I can't go, but it seems like it's hurting him. What can I do to stop hurting him and can hang out with him? I'd have to lie or tell my parents about him, right?

You need to tell your parents.

Listen, if you think you're old enough to have a boyfriend, then you should be old enough to be honest to your parents and be responsible for your actions. And you are hurting your boyfriend here! Part of going out with someone is spending time together -- and you're not doing that. So of course he's suspicious and knows something is up.

Think of how you'd feel if you had a boyfriend, who, every time you asked him to go somewhere, you told him you didn't want to or couldn't -- and didn't give him a reason. You'd think he didn't like you!

So, it's time to fess up to your parents. Approach them with respect and with a level head and voice. Tell them about your boyfriend and you'd like permission to hang out with him in supervised settings (because I am imagining you're probably too young to go out on your own but not sure ...). Also, ask your parents if you can invite him over so they can get to know him and are comfortable with him (if you bring this idea to them, it sounds like you're being responsible and proactive ...it's a good thing.)

Now, if your parents don't respond favorably to you when you reveal this to them, do not throw a fit. Be as composed as you can and ask them to give you a chance to prove you're responsible enough. And ask if you can start out by simply hanging out at your house or his (and if they need to talk to his parents, let them!) I know this might suck, but it's a good first step and it's better than the alternative of lying -- all that'll happen if you lie, is when you get caught, you'll get grounded ... probably forever.

Mom Is Cramping Girl's Poolside Style

Dear Dee:
I'm 15 years old and I swim three days a week on a swim team. My problem is, all my mom will let me wear is a one-piece bathing suit. I am the only teen-age girl at the pool wearing one.

It really makes me stand out, plus she always buys them for me, and they are very dorky, The one I have now is pink with flowers. I hate pink. I want a bikini badly. My older sister has one and she had one when she was my age. When I talk to my mom about it she said 'I have been trying not to tell you this, but you are extremely attractive. So you are to keep your body covered.' That doesn't make much since to me. And I'm trying to understand her, but all I find myself thinking about is how unfair it is. What do you think?

I can understand your mother trying to protect you. I mean seriously, there are some wackos out there. And it is very difficult for me to second-guess a parent. After all, your momma is the ultimate authority over you right now. She has your best interests at heart!

But hey, you didn't write to me in order for me to tell you 'your momma's right, move on.' So let's see how we can deal with this in a way that doesn't undermine your mom's authority and helps you out as well.

There are some very modest and sassy bikinis on the market right now. And the latest in swim fashion leans towards the two-piece tankinis found EVERYWHERE. Maybe you could talk to her about going out together, making a day of it and finding a few of these.

I think you need to help your mom understand your beauty isn't something she needs to punish you for. After all, modesty is modesty regardless of who is wearing what. Do your best to let her know you know how to carry yourself and protect yourself. Immodesty abounds in today's fashion. It really does. And there is a way to be fashionable, appealing and modest. The same applies to the swimming pool.

So again, talk to your mom. But remember you need to do it in a respectful way. She is the authority and you need to approach her in a way showing you honor that and want to have a dialog with her. Make your case, ask for her consideration then take the results when she gives them. And if things don't go your way, DON'T POUT about it or scream and argue. Instead, ask - respectfully - for a compromise.

What could a compromise be you might ask? Ask her if you can help her pick out a new suit -- one that fits her modesty expectations, but also reflects your fashion, style and personality (no pink, right?). Regardless of whether it should or not, what we wear does affect our self confidence. And let her know you are very self-conscience about the suit you currently have and while it is a little vain (but understandable!) you'd like to feel more confident and as silly as it sounds a suit of your choosing (with her guidelines, of course) would help.

It may not be perfect, but maybe it will work. Feel free to print this out for your momma, too. Maybe hearing it from someone else (even if it's a complete stranger) will help! Good luck with everything -- in and out of the pool.

Sisters: Required to Get on Nerves, Right?

Dear Dee:
My sister is driving me nuts and I don't know what I should. what should I do?

I am not really sure what the problem is here ... Sisters are SUPPOSED to drive you nuts. It's the rule .... Especially if she's a younger sister. Wait. That didn't help, did it? Sorry.

Without knowing your age difference and if she's older, younger etc it's hard to help you out. But I can try to give you some generic guidelines for trying to calm the riff between you two.

if you're closer in age, it's really important to set up some boundaries. A lot of the time, siblings don't seem to have them -- especially when it comes to torturing one another. So maybe, you two have rules about always knocking before entering each other's rooms. Or maybe you say your rooms are off limits to each other for the most part. Of course, you can 'lift' the boundaries to have your sis come in and hang out, but as a general rule, have a 'you' zone.

If your sister is getting on your nerves for a particular reason, it's probably a good idea to find out what it is. For instance, little sisters can become more clingy if there's a major change going on in the household -- maybe you're getting ready to go to summer camp and leave her behind or maybe there's tension between your parents. Find out why your sister's bugging you. Likewise, if there isn't anything situational, maybe think of whether or not there's anything going on with YOU that would magnify what your sister's doing in your mind. Talk to her. Work it out. Sisters really are the best type of support groups.

There's always going to be times you get on each other's nerves. That's just a fact. But when times get tough, your sis, if you've treated her right, will always be the one there for you. It's a relationship that defies all odds. And most of all, you need it. So do your best to figure this out. You'll be thankful in the end.

My Dad Is Gone; How Do I Go On?

Dear Dee:
My father died last month and I have no idea what to do. How can I tell people what I feel? He was my muse. I need real advice.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine losing a parent, as both of mine are still alive. But honey, I do know it is very important for you to express your feelings and to grieve. Don't hold it inside. That's the absolute worst thing you can do.

Of course, some people aren't going to know how to react to you right now. They're not going to know how to support you. So be very open with them. When they ask if there's anything they can do, take them up on it! Ask those you trust to sit and listen to you. Ask them to help you through it. Lean on friends, teachers and others in your circle of friends. There are also support groups out there who can talk you through your loss. As for web resources, I am a fan of http://thesite.org/. It's a fantastic online resource that cuts through the crap and really can help give perspective, real-life insight and additional resources. Their section on losing a parent is really insightful.

Lastly, I want to talk to you about you saying your daddy is/was your muse. This is absolutely precious and beautiful. And while it may seem dark right now, this doesn't have to end. Draw on the encouragement, the beauty and the emotion your father made you feel. Use that to continue to move forward -- to create, to grow and to live a full life. He is still with you, just in a different way. Don't forget that. He wouldn't want you to. And he'd expect you to move on and fulfill yours, and his, hopes and dreams.

I will keep you in my prayers, sweetie.

When It's This Bad, It's Time to Get Help

Dear Dee:
OK, I think I might have some type of mental illness. I'd actually be relieved if I did, because then maybe somebody could give me some pills to make me normal. I have these "mood swings", sometimes (most of the time) I'm so angry I can't imagine why someone would ever have so much hate in them, and other times, I just feel nothing at all.

My mother is an alcoholic and she abuses the hard prescription drugs, she lives with her brother who is a lazy pot smoker, but I only see her sometimes on the weekends. She's tried to kill herself before, I always feel like I'm the cause of this because my birth caused her to not be able to work. She's now depressed.

I usually live one week with my alcoholic dad and his stupid girlfriend and the next week with my "Ex-step-mom" by choice. I hate having to pack up and go to everybody's house, I feel like nothings stable. My dad and his girlfriend are major drinkers, in fact there out partying right now. I'm like a 14-year-old mother. I practically take care of my 6-year-old sister, she's so stressful and she cries a lot. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm not professionally qualified to give you advice on these items, other than to tell you it's time to get help. Please use the help and emergency hotlines to find some help. Really. It's important. Also, consider reaching out to a local church or organization for help. There is support for you out there -- reach out and find it.

You are not crazy. You're young, your overwhelmed and you're dealing with way more than anyone your age should ever have to deal with. Be strong. Know that it is not your fault and that you can get through it if you get help now. You and your sister deserve way more than you're currently being given.

Mom, Sister & Daughter: Battle for Birth Control

Dear Dee:
I love your column and so glad to see you back online! YEA! I have a 17-year-old niece who has confided in me she and her boyfriend are having sex. She tried talking to her parents but her mother (my sister) became outraged and said she would not pay for her to have birth control [pills] nor would she take her to see their doctor.

My sister and I do not agree on this issue. At my (near) insistence, my niece went to see a public health clinic for birth control pills so she will always be responsible for her body and birth control.

Overall it was a positive experience for her. The clinic was understanding and did not pass judgment. They gave her three packs of pills to try out and with good results she is to return for a year’s supply. (I did not take her to this appointment) Although my niece and I spoke in anonymity, I believe my sister is suspect of my advice to her daughter and is angry, maybe at both of us. I feel strongly my niece should indeed seek birth control. Clearly they are going to have sex and I believe she needs to be responsible.

Have I done wrong by advising my niece? I don’t want to betray my sister but I doubt we could talk about it. Should I just let everything ride as is for now; do not make contact, etc.? My sister has not talked to me in five months and I do not want to involve other family members, especially my mother. How do I handle family events were we both may be present? Whew – thanks for listening Dee, feels better just typing it out!

Your sister definitely has the authority and the right to tell her daughter she does not want to pay for pills -- but it would be interesting to know whether she simply refused to pay for pills, or she refused, and then said 'Now honey, let me tell you why I won't condone this behavior or pay for the pills." See, one approach, the refusing and not budging approach, is controlling and stubborn and does not do anything to make your niece respect and want to 'mind' her mother.

But, if your sister refused -- then backed up her refusal with why she wouldn't and had a dialog with your niece in a learning and constructive way -- she could have gotten your niece to see things in a different light. This is what motherhood is. And this enforces respect in the mother/daughter relationship.

No doubt your niece is a smart girl. And no doubt, she knew she could find a clinic. She came to you for validation and wanted someone to tell her what she was doing (having sex) was OK. And I guarantee you, she knew you'd see things differently than her mother.

Even though you and your sister do not see eye to eye, it really was and is your responsibility to back her up when it comes to values, edicts and rulings -- even if you don't agree. The fact you told your niece to go to the clinic isn't a bad thing in itself. But if you advised her in any way to go behind her mother's back, vs. being straight up with her, then that is wrong. Maybe the two of you could've talked to your sister together, who knows. Or, maybe instead of empowering your niece to have sex, you could've talked to her about the other components a sexual relationship entails.

See, this goes so much farther beyond 'just taking care of her body' than anyone at 17 can comprehend. Did you talk to her about that? All of us get the physical, but there is emotional components, etc. Not to mention, that if she'd simply wait until she was 18, she could get her pills without defying her mother, as she'd be a legal adult.

Of course, mine is just one opinion -- and it stems more conservative on this issue because of my past experiences. And as most teens can attest, nothing good ever comes out of sneaking behind the parents' back. While I know it probably won't be pleasant, you need to tell your sister. The fact you're even thinking you might've crossed a line, is a good indicator you did.

Lesson in True Friendship Needed

Dear Dee:
I'm a mom of a 12-year-old daughter and I've given my advice to her but would like advice from someone closer to her age.

She has so called friends who tell her if she is friends with other girls, they don't like they don't want to be friends with her. She is coming home a couple times a week crying about this because one minute they are her friend and the next they are not because she has talked to someone else they don't like.

I've told her no one should tell who you can be friends with. I've taught her to be nice to everyone and if these other girls want to act that way, so be it. She is not doing anything wrong. Any comments welcome.

Mom, you are so right. The advice you've given your daughter is sound and practical. You are also right, though that in this age of peer pressure and school popularity hierarchy, it's not as easy as it should be to carry out.

Continue to encourage your daughter to be strong. Right now, she doesn't feel she has the strength or will to stand up for what she believes in and tell these mean brats where to go. But with your encouragement and teaching, she will get there. She's obviously sensitive to others and wants to find real, true friendship.

Right now, she's leaning on these divas and listening to them, but the fact she's seeking out others these girls may not approve of, shows they're not fulfilling all her 'friendship' needs. It's a good thing! I am sure, at 12, she's torn -- torn between wanting to belong to a group of girls who are 'in' and also wanting to find true friends who will stick by her for a lifetime.

Continue to encourage her. If there is one thing I believe in firmly, it's raising girls who are strong and able to succeed. Show your daughter by example, in your friendships, what true friendship is. It's selfless. It's free of demands and it's unconditional. I think once she understands that friendship doesn't have strings attached to it, she might just see the light.

You're doing a great job, mom.

Parents Pushing Prom Date

Dear Dee:
I've always thought dating to be overrated and so I've never got a date for any of our dances. Well, not until recently. Prom is a week away. My mom and family have put their foot down and told me I need a date in order to go to prom.

I spoke to some of my friends and it turns out they all have dates! This happens to me, my friends all end up getting dates and somehow I never get one. I took matters into my own hands and started asking guys.

I asked a guy I liked and ended up getting rejected. And now I know I won't get to go to prom.

I told my mom I couldn't get a date, and she told me I can. She said I have what it takes to get a date but I just don't want to because "I want to hurt her." I don't even see how that relates to prom, but now I feel really bad. Not only can I not get a date, but I'm letting my mom down.

I resorted to asking any guy, any guy at my school. Even guys I barely know, but no luck.

I'm starting to think my career has something to do with it. After focusing on acting/modeling, I've let my social life go to hell. I want to go to prom.

This is my only year to go because my family is moving to California and I want to go to prom. And with my luck, the only guy who would say yes to me would be a guy my parents don’t approve of – so I still wouldn’t be able to go.

How can I get a date?

Hum. I would think your parents would be THRILLED you want to go to prom without a date. I can’t even tell you how many parents seem to really, really stress out over all the prom drama – not to mention the rumors and the well, the nightmares that come along with it.

I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know why your parents want you to get a date. But if you really feel you wanna go and they are being unfair to you, how about you sit down and give it to them straight! Let them know you’re just not that into dating right now – that you’re focused on your career and ambitions and being the student you can be. Tell them you really want to experience prom and don’t want to buy into all the pressure that comes with having a date BUT you don’t want to miss out on the fun.

Let your mom know you’re not trying to hurt her by not getting a date. That this actually has nothing to do with her at all. It’s just how you are and where you are right now in your life.

Who knows. Maybe your momma has some traumatic prom story – some repressed memories she fights back because she was dateless at the prom – not by choice – and she was made fun of. Who knows what’s behind her thinking. (Or … maybe she’s seen the movie ‘Carrie’ one too many times … but if that’s the case, tell her to watch ‘Pretty in Pink’ because great things happen to two people who go to the prom dateless …)

I do hope you can talk them around. I know you can if you go to them respectfully and talk to them in a way that shows them you’ve thought through this and have been trying to do what they’d like, but now you just need them to understand where you’re coming from. And hey, who knows … when the pressure’s off, maybe Mr. Adorable Prom Date will waltz right up to YOU during lunch and sweep you off your feet (but watch out … don’t drop that lunch tray).

Good luck and send pictures of the prom dress!

Being Abused at Home

Dear Dee:
My step dad came about three years ago and he constantly shouts and swears at us and puts us down. On top of that, he hits us and kicks us.

I'm terrified of him and what he'll do if I tell. I seriously need help. My mum just sits there and watches. She doesn’t care. My dad is dead. My brothers are all I’ve got. I don’t want to hurt my mum but I want it to stop what can I do?

You have got to get some help. You must talk to an adult you trust right away. Talk to a teacher. Go talk to your school counselor or the school principal or nurse. Go get some help. I am not trained to deal with situations like this, so this is the best advice I can give you … Get help and get it fast.

You don’t deserve to be abused. And you deserve to be safe and secure. Get help right away. Also, take advantage of the hotlines listed here. People on the other end of the phone can get you help and tell you where to go so you and your brothers will be safe.

Please call the hotlines now. I will keep you in my prayers.

Mom's Cheating, Dad's Ignoring It

Dear Dee:
Turns out my mother really is cheating on my dad. I confronted her about it but she didn't deny it and she wouldn't admit it fully. Should I tell my father about what she's doing? So far only my two closest friends know.

I guess I'm OK, my parents don't talk to each other though. My dad tries to make it up to her.

I don't think it's your place to tell your dad, but I also don't think your dad should be clueless about it either.

Your mom's gotta come clean to your dad. And she's got to get herself straightened out with you, too. You're gonna have to talk to her again. Let her know you can't stand by and watch what she's doing and how it is affecting your dad and your family vibe. You and your dad deserve better than what she's giving you and you both deserve the truth.

Whether or not they work it out is something I can't say. But let your mom know if she can get it together and tell the truth, the two of you will have a chance at rebuilding YOUR relationship. Because right now, she has to earn your trust and your respect again.

I am so sorry you're having to go through this.

Friend's Mom Is A Ticking Time Bomb

Dear Dee:
I have a 17-year-old friend whose mom has put her through a lot of physical and emotion abuse. Her mom is on medication for depression and has also had thoughts of suicide.

I have noticed her mom believes the answer to all of her problems is threatening to cut my friend from all support and kicking her out. I want to prepare myself if and when anything happens so I am reaching out to anyone and everyone for help and answers.

Your friend is really really lucky to have someone like you looking out for her. This is a very difficult situation for a friend to have to watch another friend go through. And it is even harder to actually want to help your friend through it -- instead of just being on the outside, looking in.

Your friend is 17, so she's almost legally an adult. And if her situation doesn't get any better, I'd highly recommend your friend gets the heck out of Dodge as soon as she's able to. In order for her to develop emotionally and independently, she needs to remove herself from the hostile, threatening environment her mom has obviously created for her. And while I think it is a horrible to consider abandoning one's mom, if your friend and her family have done all they can to try to help this woman, then in order to survive personally, she might just have to do that.

Before your friend's ready to leave home, though, and if she does get kicked out and cut off, just be there for her. If you're not able to take her in (not sure of your family situation) then maybe you can help her reach out to a local churches' youth ministry for support. In fact, this would be a great place for both of you to get some help in this situation. Sometimes, when situations seem really, really helpless and a person really has no where else to go, GOD is the answer and the faith and support of other believers can get you through the situation.

There are also hotlines listed here.You can reach out to one of the domestic abuse hotlines or give the number directly to your friend. Seroiusly, this is something you two shouldn't deal with alone and when we're dealing with issues such as suicidal parents, threatening situations and the like, it's always a great idea to get professional help. Those people on the other end of the hotlines can give you all the info you need.

Hang in there. Continue to be a great friend, listen and do whatever you can to help your friend out of this situation. Also, encourage her to rise above all she's been through and become the best person she can be. Too many people have to climb mountains to make up for the fact they had HUGE JERKS for parents ... but overcoming that can most definitely be done. Especially when a person has a great friend by her side.

Come Clean With Parents, Then Help Friend

Dear Dee:
I have a gigantic problem!

Today, my parents were talking to me and my sister about drugs. It didn't get uncomfortable until they asked if I knew anyone who did drugs. I lied and said no.

But recently one of my friends told me he smokes. He also hangs with my bff and ever since her mom got married to a guy she doesn't like she has been acting rebellious.

She has told us about a ton of dumb stuff she has done and she broke up with her boyfriend for a reason she won't tell us and I have a feeling it wasn't just because she got bored.

Her and her new boyfriend have been sneaking behind her mom's back and doing inappropriate things. How can I talk to my friend about this and help her have a future that doesn't involve having to drop out?

So, you said you lied to your parents, but you said your friend just smokes ... I am assuming he smokes an illegal substance because if it's cigarettes, that's not an ILLEGAL drug ...

But anyway, first of all, you've got to come clean with your parents. Laying a foundation of lies about something as serious as drugs even though you aren't doing them yourself will cause distrust and a total loss of respect if your parents find out. So, don't even mess with that. I know it sucks to rat out a friend, but your parents asked you point blank. And it just isn't right to lie to them -- especially if you want to be the kind of kid a parent can trust.

Secondly, your BFF ... yeah. Sounds like she's quickly heading down a wrong path. And while it's easy to chalk her actions up to rebellion, let's not minimize these problems in that way and realize she needs to make some serious life changes.

It seems like you understand, but your friend is making choices right now that will affect the rest of her life. And we want her to make STRONG decisions. Not STUPID ones. So, you need to do what a BFF does ... talk to her.

One thing I depend on my best friend for is ACCOUNTABILITY. If a best friend can't be honest with you when you're 100 percent wrong, then who can be? You should be able to talk to your friend and tell her how it is. So do it! Tell her you're worried about her and you are sure she's making some inappropriate and wrong decisions. Let her know you are worried about the consequences of those decisions and you can't just sit back and let her make them without telling her.

Then, after this discussion, tell her you care about her and what happens in her life. Let her know that you're there for her -- and you want to help her through whatever is happening at home, school or whatever in her life that's causing her turmoil.

Lastly, if you seriously find that you can't get through to your friend and her choices are getting her further and further in trouble, you might just have to walk away. It's the last resort, but good friends gone bad can really bring you down. And there does come a point when you've done all you can -- and have to move on. It's SAD and HORRIBLE. But you can't let yourself get pulled into her web or deceit and destruction.

I hope you can work this out with your friend. And I do hope you make the right choice to talk to your parents about your little lie.

Momma's Expectations Heavy Load to Carry

Dear Dee:
I pride myself in the fact my relationship with my mother is a bit better than the average. But still, she's hurting me even if she doesn't mean to.

All my life, she has told me the only average grade I am supposed to get is a 10 (Scandinavian grading system, 10 is consistent with the grade A in USA): any less than a perfect 10, I am too lazy, I don't read enough, I don't appreciate what I have and she's very disappointed in my performance. Her reasoning as to why I must get the perfect score every time is I'm so smart, I should. Now that I've reached college, the same still goes on.

But what she doesn't realize is in my school, grades don't really matter much, and only the finals matter the most. And yet, she expects me to keep a grade 10-average, and her constant hounding is stressing me ... a lot.

My self-confidence is at an all time low because I feel I'm a complete loser and every time I feel even so much as a sliver of pride in my schoolwork, my mother erases it completely by telling me my performance is inadequate in comparison to my alleged superior intelligence.

When I try to tell her that her demands are affecting my schooling in itself, she doesn't listen to me and starts comparing me to her and how she was already on her own at my age and had a job and studied on the side and tells me I'm wasting my talent, that I should have a part-time job as I study.

I want to tell her she's hurting me. I want to tell her I can't keep living in the same house with her if she keeps this up. I want to tell her if she truly thinks of me as an adult, she should let me make my own decisions.

But how am I going to make her listen to me, really listen, tell her how I feel and do all this without hurting her? I don't want her to feel bad. She's gone through enough in her life already, but I can't keep living under this pressure she puts on me.

Any advice you may have is greatly appreciated.

Parental expectations can be one of the heaviest loads we can possibly carry. I actually know what you're going through here.

And believe me, if you do not get it taken care of now, you will spend the rest of your life constantly trying to please your mother ... and it kills when nothing seems to be good enough or the special words 'I'm proud of you' aren't spoken. Seriously, it is very important you take care of this right now.

So, it seems to me you've been very respectful and accommodating to your mother and her wishes up to this point. You've tried with all your might to do what she wants you to do and to live up to her expectations. With taking the drastic step into adulthood and entering college, you've realized there really isn't a way to balance reality and the overbearing expectations of your mom and you need to break free of it, really and take control of your life. You need your mom to understand she has raised you to do your best. She has raised you to do the right things. And she has raised you to be a strong, independent woman ... now she needs to lighten up and have faith in how she's raised you.

How do you do this? Well, you've got to talk to her. This isn't going to be an easy conversation and the fact you want to spare her feelings is admirable, but you've got to have this talk and you've got to be forceful -- yet respectful. It's time.

Your mom needs to know that above all, you love her and you appreciate her. You acknowledge her gentle urging inspires you and makes you want to do your best, BUT ... the pressure she's putting on you is too much for you to handle.

The bottom line? You've got to spell it out VERY clear ... YOU AND YOUR MOM ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. WHAT WORKED FOR HER, DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU. You handle stress differently, you handle situations differently, and lastly, your goals are different.

You need to let your mom know that by constantly expecting more than you can give, she is driving a wedge between the two of you and is putting a strain on your relationship that will eventually cause you to pull away from her completely. She needs to understand it's not healthy. And, in the end, the pressure she's putting you under will give way to resentment and ruin the most important relationship that's in your life right now.

Let your momma know you are doing your best. You are studying, working hard and dedicated to being the best student you can be in college. But you have to do this your way -- and while you will always strive for grade perfection, sometimes, it's not gonna happen. Just as she has to let you make mistakes in life, she needs to let you get through school on your own terms as well. Tell her to have faith in how she's raised you and the values she's instilled in you. Tell her to trust you.

It is very important you let your mom know how her words and unreasonable expectations are hurting you and how they are causing you to start to resent and harbor bitterness towards her. Regardless of the grading systems and how grades are measured/what matters/what doesn't matter ... this is a REAL problem that's affecting your relationship -- and if she wants to have a healthy relationship with you, she needs to lighten up. NOT LET GO in encouraging you to do your best, ... but stop the comparisons. Stop the over-analyzing and get back to encouraging and trusting ... this is the only way you two will get through this.

I know this will be a brutal conversation. But it's got to happen. And if you need a little help, feel free to print this out and send it to your momma. And if you do that, let her know you love her and appreciate her ... because it could be the opposite ... she could just not care at all.

I wish you the best of luck and thank you so so so much for reading.