Momma Feels She's Losing Grip on Son

Dear Dee:
My son is 13 years old. Up until a month ago, he was the perfect child and student. All of a sudden, his grades started slipping, he started smoking and knows where to buy drugs.

Even though I believe in my heart he is not taking illegal substances, I am concerned with the type of friends he has. He also started talking to me like I am nothing in his life, excepts when he needs money etc.

I have now informed all the parents of his friends what is happening and he is grounded for the next 3 weeks. My heart is breaking, he is so young and throwing away his whole life. Some of the other parents just don’t care and says they are big enough to make their own decisions.

How can I keep him away from these children or make him understand? I have tried talking to him, but he only gives me a blank stare. I want my son back, it feels like I am losing him. Please help.

Mom, I normally don't answer questions from parents -- only young adults -- but your question, I wanted to respond to, because the response can benefit my readers and hopefully you, too (and I've been there!).

Once kids hit the teen years, some parents think it's time to stop parenting and become more of a best friend ... well ... our kids have best friends at school. They don't need them at home, too. Once adolescence hits, it's like the world looks at our kids differently. They're no longer kids, but not really adults. And the pressures are way way serious in their world. So, it's more important than ever, parents know what's going on in their teen's lives and they guard against, and instruct them on how to handle these pressures.

I know when I was that age, there were times I hated my mom and dad for being in my face, getting into my business and always butting in when I didn't want them to. But, my parents didn't care. They didn't let the fact I yelled, had a cruddy attitude and treated them like sh** impact their involvement in my life. They instructed me, kept me in line and never let me forget they loved me and were doing it all for my own good.

You've mentioned your son's attitude and actions are getting a little out of hand. It is your job, however painful for you, to keep on him. Keep in line. Ride him about his grades and keep him away from kids you don't want him hanging with. Do whatever necessary to keep him on the right track. He's going to see it as hateful and none of your business, but later, he'll be glad you did it.

His actions right now, can define the rest of his life. And whether or not you want to believe it, you, as the parent, are ultimately responsible for him. Do not give up on him. Do not let him do whatever he wants. And most of all, do not let him throw his life away. Do whatever you have to and keep him away from those friends and keep him from smoking. Seriously ... if you have to hire him a stinkin' babysitter (or make him get a job at a boys club) after school or for the summer -- make him accountable to authority -- and make him understand if he wants responsibility and wants to make his own choices, he has to prove he's worthy of making the right ones.

This won't be easy. But from one mother to another, it's what you HAVE to do. I've been through it. And regardless of what he says to you now (I am sure, when you lay down the law, some 'I hate you' comments and various other choice words will be thrown around), he will come back to you. There's a special bond between a mother and her son. That sweet boy is in there somewhere and with guidance, you can get him back.

Now, to my faithful readers who are shaking their heads in defiance of this post: I am hoping you can understand and read into the agony this mother is going through because of the actions of her son. She is seeing the BIG PICTURE -- how his actions affect his future, his goals and how they can define the man he will become.

It's hard for us to see the big picture --how actions affect our entire lives -- whether it be letting our grades slip, smoking or hanging out with the wrong friends -- but they all do. Remember the phrase, 'actions speak louder than words?' Well, our actions define us and shape us into the adults we become. Granted, people who make wrong choices as kids turn out just fine all the time -- but it's usually because some wise adult steered them back onto the right path or an experience in our lives scared them straight.

So understand nothing I wrote to this mother is meant to be said against you -- and nothing I wrote is meant to make your lives a living hell. This boy needs this kind of guidance right now and this mother needs encouragement and strength to help get her son back on the right path.

Maybe this will help us all see what kind of angst and agony our parents go through when we're not exactly making the smartest choices. And how important their guidance and advice and sometimes, hard-headed rules are, to helping us become smart, strong and responsible adults.

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