Reader Loves New Site!

Dear Dee:
I love your new design for Dear Dee! It's a lot more, hmmm, professional (and by professional I mean sexy) I love it and your blog. I can't wait for your next entries!

THANK YOU SO VERY VERY MUCH! PLEASE do me a BIG favor and tell all your friends! http://askdeardee.com is the place to be!

Everyone Cusses & Fights

Dear Dee:
My school is so crazy. They cuss every other word and everyone fights. Now, seven girls want to jump me just because I was trying to make sure my friend didn't get jumped by them. She was getting cussed out and threatened so I gr abed her arm and pulled her away.

OK. This, we just don't mess with. You've got to tell an adult you trust right away as you are in danger! Seriously. You've really, really gotta get some help.

Now, I do really want to give you props for pulling your friend out of the path of danger. Very, very impressive. I also applaud you for having the decency to be disgusted by the talk of those cussers!

Cussing is stupid. It shows a lack class, tact and creativity. While many think cussing adds 'color' to a conversation, it actually just dampens it by adding vulgarity and crass undertones. I mean, anyone can insert a cussword into a conversation -- but to choose words that express your true emotion or the true meaning of what you're trying to say? That takes skill.

So, keep your talk clean, do all you can to stay out of the fighting fray and continue to be a great friend.

My Best Friend Was Killed

Dear Dee:
My best friend was just killed in a car accident. Is it OK to feel sad, angry, and sorry all at the same time? I don't know what to do to make the pain go away.

It is most definitely OK to experience all of those emotions at the same time. In fact, you will most likely experience many more emotions before you can move on and accept what has happened.

I won't lie. The pain never goes away entirely. It just deadens a little. But it is important for you to know that you have to experience the pain and work through it in order to be able to accept what's happened and move on. And as you do this, one day you will realize the tinge and sting is still there, but it is bearable.

This person was an important part of your life -- someone you counted on and who helped you through countless situations. Talk about your friend. Laugh at the fun times you shared. Remember your friend's advice, comforting manner and even a few of his/her horrible jokes! Don't let the memories and the impact he/she had on your life fade. Treasure it. Remember it and honor it.

I am desperately sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you.

Backstabbing Friend Asks Forgiveness

Dear Dee:
I have a friend who I thought I could trust, but she turned around and talked crap about me. She wants me to forgive her. But I don't know if I should or not.

I don't want to be friends with her if I can't trust her! It's a hard choice.

Back-stabbing friends suck. Yeah, there's just nothing more to say, is there ... except when one of those friends apologizes and wants to make it up to you.

Do you trust her again? Well, there are a few things to think about here. How much does your friendship mean to you? Is she like BFF-quality or is it more of a friend you just say is your friend but never really do anything with?

What's her track record? Do you catch her in lies all the time? Do you think she really regrets talking behind your back and does she mean her apology?

Answer these questions, then decide. And if you do let her back into your circle of friends, it would be wise to kind of test the waters and guard yourself a little. Don't immediately start pouring out your secrets and your heart to her. ... See if she's genuine this time around.

Dad Won't Let Me Date

Dear Dee:
My dad thinks I am too young to date.

I am 14 years old and have never dated before. He won't even let me text the guy I like. He took my phone away. For my 14 birthday this other guy gave me a ring. My dad said it was inappropriate for a guy to give a girl jewelry (a ring).

Now the guy I really like thinks I am mad at him but I am not! Is my dad over reacting or am I?

I actually don't think your dad is overreacting.

He makes the rules! And if I preach ANYTHING in this column, it's that respecting and honoring your parent's decisions and rules is vital. It is vital for your future success as an adult and also extremely important to help you develop their trust and respect. So when your dad IS ready for you to date, you won't have any problems convincing him you're ready.

See, a lot of us make the mistake of jumping into dating too early, doing stupid stuff (read Major Embarrassment in the Computer Room and Beyond Second Base for examples) and then getting into BIG trouble emotionally, morally and with our parents.

If you give yourself a few more years, you can make tons of guy friends, flirt a little and really figure out what you want in a guy and get yourself together and prepared for dating.

I know, I know! You're rolling your eyes at me ... but seriously. This is the way to go! Respect your dad's decisions. Don't fight him on it. I promise you'll get so much farther with him later when he allows you to date, if you honor him now.

Oh, just as a side note, any decent guy will also respect your dad's decision to not let you date. If the guy makes fun of you or trash talks your dad for his rules, then stay away from this guy ... seriously. That's downright disrespectful to your father -- and to you.

Third Time's the ...

Dear Dee:
My ex boyfriend and I are still friends after going out twice before. My friends tell me if our relationships didn't work out the first two times, then why try again for a third time?

I think I still love him, but I'm not sure. I love being around him and he is nice to talk to, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me anymore. I don't want to ruin our friendship by talking to him about it, because I treasure our friendship that we have. But I also don't want to have this feeling of the past when I spend time with him. What should I do?

I am of two minds on this. One part of me thinks you need to take a break from this guy and sort out what you're feeling and the other part of me says you should just see how things play out. Either way, it does sound like you make better friends -- at least for now -- than boyfriend/girlfriend.

So, let's just say you go with the 'let's stay friends and I'll give it time' approach. This could be great because it will allow you to sort out what you're feeling and it would help you two build a stronger friendship, which might lead to something else later. But the key here would be to seriously not rush into anything. Just concentrate on the friendship.

If you chose the 'space' angle, it could alienate the two of you as friends, but it would give you time to sort out your feelings. ...

You've already said you value your friendship. So in that vein, how about you just try to work out for sure, what you're feeling. Really think through what made your relationship fail in the past and see if you can get beyond that. There are tons of people out there who are attracted to each other, but know they make better friends than a couple. This may be the case with you two. And after you thoroughly evaluate what worked/didn't work in your relationship, maybe it will shed some light on what you're feeling.

Don't rush into anything. Because while your friends say there's no way the third time would work out, some might disagree and say that if you play this one right and take things slow, the 'third time is the charm.'

My Parents' Divorce Is Scaring Me

Dear Dee:
I am having a little problem with my family. My parents are going to get a divorce, and I am really scared.

I am scared about my mom getting a boyfriend and my dad getting a girlfriend. My mom is smoking and I always tell her to stop and that it's not good for you.

I am really scared about this and I have to go to this psychiatrist. And it seems like he doesn't help. I don't want to be worried or scared, I want everything to be OK. What should I do?

My hope is your parents have sat you down and talked to you about this -- giving you the reasons behind their separation and letting you know that they will take care of you and love you regardless of what is going on between them.

What you have to do is understand their separating is not your fault. You also have to understand, while it is painful, life does go on. If your parents don't work this out and do get divorced, they both will more than likely date again. And again, this won't affect the way they feel about you.

I encourage you to sit down with your parents separately or together and talk to them about your fears. Tell them you're scared and that you need them to reassure you that they will continue to love and take care of you as they always have. Talk to your mom directly and point blank about the smoking and tell your dad that his always needing 'alone time' is making you feel alienated and unimportant.

Remember this is probably difficult for them emotionally as well -- and sometimes, this type of situation causes people to look only at themselves and how it is affecting them vs. others. YOU NEED TO LET THEM KNOW it's affecting you and causing you emotional pain.

I am glad you're speaking to a psychiatrist, but if this person isn't really helping, maybe you could try someone on our family help hotlines. Their unbiased opinions might be just what you need -- or maybe an unknown listening ear would do the trick.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time -- I do know though, you'll be OK.

My 'Blockbuster' Romance

Dear Dee:
There's this guy who works at my local Blockbuster and I really like him. But both of us are really shy.

Also both my mom and my friend seem to think he is interested in me too, but I'm not so sure. I would like to start a conversation with him, but I get too nervous. Any ideas on how I can get to know him better, because I know I'll have to talk first.

So I was in a situation like this once. And it was with this guy at the Post Office -- seriously! I would go to the Post Office and mail stuff a few times a day. It actually got pretty ridiculous. So one day, I literally called up the PO, asked for him and just asked if he'd like to go to a movie.

In your situation, you've got it easy because he could actually bring a movie over -- FOR FREE and NO LATE FEES! Oh gosh. So sorry about the stupid joke. I am totally rolling my eyes at myself. Sorry.

Anyway ... you've already made some sort of connection if he's giving your mom and your friend the impression he likes you. So just go with it! You've got like a zillion conversation starters right in front of you when you go to pick out a movie. Ask him for suggestions -- ask him what his favorite is, rent it and ask him to come over to watch it with you.

Use your surroundings to your advantage. Hey, he works at a Blockbuster -- he has to help you with movie suggestions and he has to help you find flicks you want. Get him to show you a new release WAY in the back of the store and then go for it! Just ask him.

I know you're both shy, but you've already admitted you're willing and poised to make the first move. So now you've just got to find the right time. You'll know when that time comes and instead of thinking about it, just do it.

Don't let the shyness take over. Swallow, take a deep breath and before grabbing the last copy of 'The Holiday' from him, ask! (There's a GREAT Blockbuster store scene in that movie between Jack Black and Kate Winslet ... love it!) And, if you don't get up the courage, go ahead and rent 'the Holiday' anyway ... because it's really cute and is all about girls with 'gumption.' ... (you'll get it after you rent it and watch it.)

We Need Cleaning Tips!!

Dear Dee:
I'm only 14 years old and I live alone with my brother because my parents died. Our house is really too big for two people. Do you have any tips to keep it clean?

Ugh. Cleaning tips ... well, this is probably a question more suitable for someone like 'Dear Abby' or 'Heloise.' You can even try 'The Accidental Housewife' for some great tips! But hey, far be it from me to turn down a chance to make a top 10 list ... so behold ...

Dee's Top 10 Cleaning Tips ...

10. Keep clutter to a minimum. How? Identify clutter as any 'stack' in the house that is over 3 inches high.
9. After you use a dish, immediately rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher. If you ARE the dish washer, wash it immediately.
8. Trash is trash. Don't put it on the counter. This includes paper plates, (why put them on the counter when you're done? Throw the DARN THINGS AWAY!) candy wrappers and Diet Coke cans. (Um, I kinda need to take that one to heart).
7. When there are enough clothes for a complete laundry load, just do it. Don't let it pile up. (Oh, and my momma will appreciate me saying ... please sort the laundry. A person should not wash jeans with whites).
6. When you get up in the morning, make your bed and hang up your towel after your shower.
5. Fold laundry while you're watching your favorite TV show!
4. When your house seems to be dirty, dirty, dirty, vacuum ... a clean floor always makes a room look cleaner.
3. Believe in Scrubbing Bubbles ... while they don't really talk (like they show on TV) they sure do make things sparkle.
2. Always eat at your dining room table. Seriously ... eating in other rooms in the house just makes things dirtier -- spots on the furniture, dishes everywhere ... (My mom will be so proud I said that.)
1. Stay on top of it. If you don't, cleaning a house begins to overwhelm. If you do a little each day, this won't happen.

Oh, here's an extra tip for you -- tell your bro to improve his aim. This, I guarantee will keep the bathroom much cleaner. :-)

Embarrassment In Computer Room

Dear Dee:
I'm a 16-year-old girl and this past August my boyfriend and I were in my computer room upstairs in my house and my parents walked in when he was touching me down there.

They threw him out and won't let me ever see him again. This has been an issue in my house for months and my boyfriend has done everything in his power to try to make amends. He's written a lengthy letter for my parents explaining how wrong he was and how sorry and how he just wants to be with me.

My parents don't trust me and I want to gain their trust back. I can't deal with not being able to see my boyfriend. I just need help. Any advice to help my parents and my boyfriend make amends so that we can be together again would be great.

We're just kids and I know what we did was wrong and very disrespectful but the measures my parents are taking, I feel are too severe and it's making me very depressed.

They think he is just trying to make things better because he only wants one thing. It has been four months and he's still trying to make things better. My parents have told me that if I go behind their backs and go with him when I go to college they will never speak to me again or pay for college. This situation is tearing my whole life apart. please help me, Dee. I don't know what to do.

To earn back their trust and to show them you are in control of yourself, you've got to really believe what you're telling me. Are you really sorry or are you just sorry you got caught? Think about it.

What happened in your computer room is in the past. But what are you going to do in the future when the same opportunity arises? Are you going to get caught up in the moment again or do your best to keep yourself OUT of that type of situation? These are exactly the things you need to think about before you can even think of your parents letting up on their punishment.

You're going to have to sit down with your parents. I know you probably already have, but I would imagine it hasn't been as mature of a conversation as it needs to be. You need to sit them down, talk to them calmly, without tears, accusations and yelling plead your case. No 'this isn't fair' comments -- or nothing that is not 100 percent representative of you taking the blame for your actions.

Talk to your parents about how you feel morally and what your boundaries are (which means you seriously need to think about what your boundaries are!). Tell them while the situation was extremely embarrassing, you know it happened for the best -- as it has made you understand what type of young lady you want to become.

What you should propose to your parents is that while you are earning their trust back, you and your boyfriend only be allowed together in an adult's company -- whether it be with them or with his parents. Tell them you will not sneak around to be alone, but will live your relationship out in the open under their eyes until they feel you're able to go out on dates alone. Also talk to them about your relationship. Let them know that he is truly special to you and you know you're special to him as well. Talk about your time together and your conversations and what you have in common.

Remember, talk to them respectfully. As an adult would. And as a person who is 200 percent in the wrong would, asking for redemption and a second chance.

I would also encourage you to talk to them about your plans for the future -- your college plans, etc. and how you will not let this relationship interfere with that.

On a final note, I want to let you you shouldn't allow ANYONE to touch your body in a romantic way until you're married. And while in today's world, this is seen as old fashioned, the bottom line is that morally, this is what's right and what's good. You said you know your actions were disrespectful -- but I am wondering if you think your actions were disrespectful to your parents --and in some small way they were. But the bigger picture is you disrespected yourself by letting yourself believe you weren't worth waiting for.

I do hope your parents can let you slowly regain their trust -- and I do wish you all the best. PLEASE keep me informed.

Beyond Second Base ...

Dear Dee:
I have a boyfriend and we're at second base (fully clothed, petting, etc.).

He's my first BF to get to second with and I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I've thought about asking him what he wants me to do, but I'm not real open to talking about it. In fact I'm having a hard time writing this email.

I've looked on line for tips, but there's more info related to what guys do to girls. I feel like my BF is doing all the work and I want to participate more. Do you have any suggestions for me?

OK. First of all, I am NOT Dr. Ruth ... So you won't be getting any sex tips from me ... But what you will get from me is a to-the-point lecture on what should and shouldn't happen in a dating relationship.

Honey, keep your hands to yourself and make sure he keeps his to himself ... While you may say it seems old fashioned, morals are morals and if you have them, you'll remember what kind of girl you want to be and the kind of reputation you want to have.

I won't give you the diatribe about sexual curiosity, etc. That's just what some people say when they want to excuse their behavior. Getting involved sexually is something you can't take back. When you lose your virginity, it's gone. If you sleep with 10 guys, there's no erasing that.

I just ask that you really, really think about what you're doing and realize the lasting implications. There is a lot at stake ... your reputation, your future and even your happiness.

If you could take a minute to read the response to my most answered question, I think it would really help you out ...

And don't be afraid to let me know what you think.

Reader Talks To Mom, Gets Results

This reader is responding to this post: Is My Mom Cheating On My Dad?

Dear Dee:
Thanks for your help.I spoke to my mom and now she doesn't text "him" as much as she used to. But she doesn't wear her wedding ring.I'll just keep my nose out of it and wait ... I mean it could be worse, couldn't it?

I am so proud of you for talking to her! That took great courage. Just keep your chin up and don't be afraid to ask questions. This is about you and your family ... it is most definitely your business!

Making Him Like Me & Losing Weight

Dear Dee:
Hi, I am a girl in need of advice! I am overweight and I can't get this guy I like to like me back! What should I do?

I want a good diet to help me lose weight and I can't find one. Any suggestions? Also how do I get this guy to like me?

Hey, you shouldn't have to work to make someone like you. And you shouldn't want to be with anyone who can't accept you for who you are and like you effortlessly. Seriously! So don't do anything with the intention of making this guy or anyone else like you. Just be yourself. And have enough pride and self-worth to realize someone who has to be 'convinced' to like you isn't the kind of friend, boyfriend or even acquaintance you want.

Where your weight is concerned, it's best to consult your doctor about a sensible, healthy weight loss plan. Of course, just watching what you eat and exercising are the staples of healthy weight loss, but he/she might be able to give you some other great tips/guidelines. Good luck!

Secretly Crushing on My Secret Friend

Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and I'm confused about a boy. I've known him since 6th grade and although we talk a lot, I think we both try to hide the fact that we're friends.

My BFF always makes fun of him, but I can't get out of my head the fact that I like him more than a friend. He always makes me smile! I don't know what to do! Help me please!

You need to stand up to your friend and tell her to stop making fun of this guy. If you have feelings for him, friendship or otherwise, you shouldn't let others tear him down. It's wrong. And you standing by, letting it happen when you consider yourself HIS friend, makes you a totally in the wrong. So, while it's extremely difficult, you've got to stand up for your friends -- especially ones you think you might want to date.

If your BFF is a true friend, she'll only have to be told once to stop making fun of him. And she'll accept him as your friend. Who knows -- maybe she'll even decide she wants to be his friend, too!

You don't have to rush into making the decision on whether to take your friendship with this guy to the next level. You both have plenty of time and first need to realize you have to be comfortable with each other, your friendship and letting others know about it before you can actually 'date.' Seems you both need to grow up a little on this front and get comfortable with each other.

Oh yeah, and one more thing ... how about not seriously giving a RIP about what anyone else says about you and this guy being friends ... and being your own person ... the kind who likes who she likes without apologies ... it's just a thought.

Drunken Friends Want Me To Join Them

Dear Dee:
I'm 17 and most of my friends are 18 or 19. They are at that age of getting into drinking and stuff like that. They think it would be cool for me to get drunk with them, too.

It sounded fun, and I trust my friends. Not only that, but my sister got drunk on homecoming when she was 17. So I thought i would do the same. Homecoming came around and I still wasn't comfortable about drinking. I just told them "well hey maybe New Years, we'll party at your house."

So I'm invited to the small party (only 9 of our closest friends) to celebrate the new year with alcohol. Now New Year's is right around the corner and I thought I would be ready, but I'm still not.

They'll call me and say "Hey I can't wait for new years!" and I'll respond "Yea can't wait!" I'm really scared to be drunk, and not ready. But I don't want to let down my friends by false advertising my excitement about my first time being drunk. How do I approach my friends come New Year's?

Let's state the obvious, K? Every single one of you are under-age and aren't old enough to drink alcohol.

And the second obvious? You're the only one in this entire group (including your sister) who seems to have any common sense at all. So don't waiver! You are 100 percent not ready for what they are pushing you into and you know what? Getting drunk is just plain, flat, absolutely stupid.

Honey, being drunk is not one of those 'firsts' that's worth putting in the scrap book and talking about years from now. Getting drunk is one of those things you want to forget because people act, say and do the dumbest things ever when alcohol is involved -- especially when they're not responsible enough to know when enough is enough.

Do you know how many girls lose their virginity when they're drunk ... how many are raped when they're drunk and how many change their lives forever just because they have no control over their actions when they're under the influence? Dare we even mention how many people lose their lives from drinking.

So you already knew all of that, right? Then don't be stupid. Don't give in. Your friends want you to do this so there isn't descention in the ranks. The more people who are doing something completely wrong and stupid makes it seem 'smarter' somehow. By getting you to give in, YOU are validating THEIR actions for THEM.

So do you want to be that person? The one who does things because others want her to. The one who doesn't stand up for herself but goes with the crowd -- even when it is unhealthy, unwise and yes, against the law?

You have the courage to shut your friends up. You make the stand and prove who you are. This is a defining moment for you. And what you choose to do right now will define and shape you in how you respond to pressure later.

So make the right choice here. It might cost you some friends and a little heartache now, but what you gain is so much more -- self respect, power of conviction and heart.

14 & Going Downhill Fast

Dear Dee:
Well I'm going through the point in my life where everything is going down hill.

I told my best friend something and now she won't even talk to me. I don't know what to do about that. And the biggest problem I am having is my relationships with girls. I just got a girlfriend but it was only because I told my friend I was lonely and she set me up with this girl.

I am only 14 and I need help with these things. Please help me.

I can't imagine what you told your friend to make her not talk to you anymore. It doesn't seem she was a true friend -- as one of the hallmarks of being a great friend is being a listener and confidant. I am very sorry you had to learn her friendship was false in this way, during this time in your life. My advice to you would be to let her go and do your best to move on. The loss of her friendship is a blow, but at least you now know where she stands. I am very sorry.

And your friend set you up ... so what! That happens all the time. If you and the girl click, then great! Don't belittle your relationship just because you got a jump start from someone else's introduction. If you like her and she likes you then that's all that matters. So enjoy it! Have fun, make friends and enjoy this time in your life.

At 14, life has its ups and downs. So don't give up and lose hope. You've found out a few crappy things and you've been betrayed by a friend. This sucks, but it will get better. It really will. Believe it and don't lose hope.

13 & I'm Invisible

Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and recently it feels like everyone has just been leaving me out. Not too long ago, my friend and I got into a fight. When we apologized and made up she said she lied about me being boring but when I confronted her about it she then said that I was boring but a fun type of boring.

I understood but I still felt like it was my fault she has to put up with me.

Then recently my parents have been getting angry with me for everything I seem to do. They also decided we'd move sometime in March and start looking for a house this week and the next. And when I told them my opinions about why I didn't like the house they didn't even listen.

All they can think about is making money. And it feels like they haven't been listening to me at home either. Nobody seems to care about what I have to say. I want to just lock away my words, but when I tried so many years ago because all the other kids were picking on me, my parents grounded me for being rude and not listening or answering them.

I'm the only vegetarian in the house too, but my parents are always lecturing me about how it's not right or healthy, or how animals are meant to be eaten. Now all I want to do is cry, drop out of school, and wait to die. I don't know what to do.

Parents sometimes think they're doing all they can to act in your best interests, but forget that sometimes, all we really need is to just be heard. Ultimately the decision is theirs -- where we live, where we move to and other life-altering decisions rest in their domain until we reach 18 and move out -- but still, it's nice to know they take the time to hear our opinions.

Especially in this case, I would urge you to tell your parents you really need to talk to them -- not only about your moving situation but about how you feel they aren't letting you in on key decisions. Tell them you understand they don't have to do what you want, but let them know you would like to be heard and considered -- as a viable, contributing member of the family.

Now, you kinda shoot yourself in the foot so to speak if you don't approach this with a respectful and obedient attitude. You must admit to knowing they have authority over you -- and that you respect that. And you also must admit to knowing they will do what's best for you in the end. But show them you're able to make rational decisions and not stomp off when you're disagreed with. That you'd welcome a dialogue.

OK. Now onto your friend ... I hate to say it, but a friend doesn't tell another friend she's ... BORING. That's just uncool. So let's ditch this sister and find some friends who appreciate you for who you are.

Remember you're going through a lot of changes right now -- you're new to the teen-age thing and you're hormones are racing! New experiences and change surround you -- so you're bound to feel like you're out of your element and downright out of control of what's happening.

Dropping out of school, harming yourself or even deciding to curl up and wait it out are all cowardly responses to what's happening in your life right now. And the remark you made about wanting to die is also an overreaction to what's going on. Meet it dead on and take charge of what's happening in your life emotionally. Talk to an adult you trust or contact a professional on one of our hotlines.

I want you to know you are important. Your opinion matters and you have tons of exciting adventures ahead of you -- don't go off the deep end emotionally right now because of some trials -- show you can muster up the strength to get through this. Get some help and be stronger for asking for it. You'll find you understand yourself better once you get through this and you'll be able to look back on it as a huge learning experience. I know you can do it. And I know you can work through it. I will be thinking of you. And please, let me know how it all works out.

Don't Have Courage to Talk to Guys

Dear Dee:
Of course,I have a problem too. First, here's a big hug to give you a strength to solve my problem. Sorry, I'm from Europe and I don't speak English that well.

I have problems approaching guys. I'm pretty and all, but some guys just aren't the type to walk up to a girl and I just don't know how to go up to them. I'm asking for information on how to approach a guy at the movies, school -- anywhere and everywhere!

I send to you a kiss, hug and a smile.

This is really, really exciting! An international reader! Thank you so much for taking the time to read 'Dear Dee' and to write a question.

I also greatly appreciate the hugs, the smiles and the kisses. It definitely helps me do my job better when I know I am loved and appreciated!

About your problem -- being shy isn't really a problem. It is a matter of self-esteem and confidence. You said yourself you think you're pretty so there is already a bit of confidence there, you just have to expand on it.

You don't have to be 100 percent fear-free to go up and approach a guy. In fact, being a little freaked out by the idea is what will help you get through it. Let the adrenalin you feel and the nervousness give you the strength to get up the courage to do it. Remember, even if you're not 100 percent comfortable talking to guys, the idea is to LOOK comfortable.

To approach a guy, you don't have to have an earth shattering conversation topic in mind. Just talk about what you know -- if it's a guy in one of your classes, talk about the homework, or casually 'forget' to write the assignment down -- then ask him for it. Every word you speak to him is a start and will make it easier the next time you 'need some help in class.'

Hey, it all starts out with a bold step towards the guy, then a simple word --
'hi.' Maybe think of a topic, but don't map out your conversation. You'll just get frustrated when you can't remember what you practiced. You can do this. You're brave enough, you're smart enough and you most definitely can muster up the confidence. Just do it.

And please get back to me on how it goes, OK?

He Says He Doesn't Like Me Anymore

Dear Dee:
There is this guy who I REALLY like and at first he liked me but now he says he doesnt like me.

I don't know if it's something I did or something I said. He still flirts with me, though. Im in 8th grade and it's my last year in middle school and I've NEVER had a REAL boyfriend. Please tell me what I should do!

Hey, sorry this guy seems to be messing around with your emotions. But if he says he's not interested, don't let him get the best of you.

Try your hardest to forget him and move on. And don't worry about not having had a boyfriend yet. You'll get one and it'll be great!

Hey, by the way, did you know one of the best ways to spark a guy's interest is to act as if you're not interested in him? Seriously ... it works. And when a guy KNOWS you like him and he's kind of on the fence how he feels, sometimes, a girl showing lack of interest is all that's needed to spark a new flame ... it might be the case here ... you never know!

Sick, In Love & Don't Know What To Do

Dear Dee:
I'm in grade 11, in an all academic and pre-AP program, getting great grades, with more friends than I can count, parents who (for the most part) love and support me, and I'm pretty and well-liked.

But some reason I'm not happy. I can't seem to find anything that really makes me enjoy life. I mean, I can have fun and laugh a bit when I'm with my friends, but the second they're not around I get really upset. I've been crying every day when I get home from school, and lashing out at my friends and parents.

I don't have a lot of energy, and I've been getting sick a lot. I'm really confused about what's wrong and what to do. I know one of the reasons why I'm so upset, but it's not the whole cause, because I'm mostly fine about it.

I'm in love (and I really do mean in love, not just crushing) with a guy. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I know he's the one for me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We've known each other since we were kids and we used to be great friends, but lately we've been drifting apart.

He lives really far away, so I only get to see him once a year (I won't get to see him this year though, because I'm doing an exchange to France,) and he never talks to me online. I'll try to start conversations and all I get are one-word answers.

I'm worried he might not want to talk to me either because I'm younger than him (he's a college freshman, and two years older than me) or because he's so self-conscious. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm pretty and he's kind of plain, plus I know he's insecure about his appearance. Plus his high school average was a C, and every time we visit my dad brags about my grades. Is there anything I can do to get him back as a friend?

I'm not even going to bother going for girlfriend because I know that won't work right now, but I really want to stay his friend.

Love can definitely make you feel a little off emotionally, physically and in every other way possible -- but I wouldn't say that is 100 percent why you're feeling the way you are. I encourage you to talk to an adult you trust. If you're not comfortable with that, maybe try to talk to your school nurse or maybe contact someone on one of our hotlines. Don't mess around with your emotional health. Go ahead and talk to someone.

Now about the guy ... Seriously, I only know a handful of guys who are avid communicators when you're not in a face-to-face situation. Most don't tend to be great on the phone, or at returning emails or IMs. It sucks to generalize all guys like this, but I seriously believe it's true!

If you like him and you think he's pulling away, maybe it's time to shake things up a bit and let him know you actually like him. Sometimes when a relationship seems to 'stall,'it needs a little shaking up -- and nothing can shake it up like a revelation of love.

OK OK. Don't actually tell him you think you're in love with him. But go ahead and let him know that he's on your mind and you think you'd like to take your friendship to the next level. Hey, it's not perfect -- but sometimes you've just got to put yourself out there.

Don't forget you're going to have to face a huge hurdle because of the long-distance issue. So think long and hard before putting it out there. The distance and fact you can only see each other once a year and sometimes not at all, kind of already dooms your relationship. Be smart. After thinking about it, you might just have to resign yourself to realizing this particular relationship can't ever really go anywhere.

But hey, it's your call. You have to decide if it's worth a try ...

Good luck to you and please take my advice on your health problems. I really think you should see someone.

Friends Like the Same Guy

Dear Dee:
My best friend and I like the same guy. Everyone knows my friend likes him, no one knows I do. He flirts with both of us.

He and I are closer than my friend and him. The thing is, we both really love him. It's kind of weird how much, and we both know each other likes him.

He and I were talking and he said he doesn't like my friend. I really like him and I think he likes me but I'm not completely sure. I want to ask him out but if I do, and if he says yes, I don't want to be called names because of everyone knowing my friend liked him. What should I do, Dee?

No matter what happens here, someone is going to get hurt. Are you OK with that person being your friend and it pretty much ruining your friendship forever? I think the answer to that question will tell you a lot about your friendship and how important or unimportant it is to you.

Also, while I wasn't there when you were talking to this guy about how he felt about your friend, I honestly hope it wasn't a 'sabatoge' conversation -- and you weren't trying to discourage him from liking her. That would be totally uncool. But hey, I know you wouldn't do that. So no worries, right?

Anyway, once you decide if you're willing to lose your friend over this guy, then I think your choices are simple. If you are, then ask him out and get ready for the fall out. You'll have to develop some thick skin because it probably won't be very kind -- especially since everyone knows you were friends with this other girl and knows she liked him. In fact, it could potentially ruin your reputation -- others will probably think you're a little ruthless and kind of a back-stabber. They could also see you as a boyfriend stealer -- even though he and your friend weren't even going out. Lastly, I think you'll probably forfeit the best friend of the year award ... ... Ready to deal with that?

OR ... You could always just let this crush your friend has play out. If he really doesn't like your friend in that way, then more than likely she'll get over it soon and move her crushing attentions to someone else ... THEN this guy would be fair game. It might be hard for you to think about waiting, but I actually think it would best. Then you can probably keep your friend AND end up with the guy in the end. And all you have to do is be patient!

Christmas Wishes

Hello faithful readers.
I hope you don't mind, but I am gonna take a little break today and hang out with my family.I have presents to open, tons of food to eat and some Christmas carols to sing.

I hope you all enjoy this time today with your families and really take a moment to remember how special it is to be with people you love on the holidays.

Please know I appreciate each and every one of you and am wishing you the best on this fantastic Christmas Day.

Love
Dee

Friends' Concern Gets Annoying

Dear Dee:
I lost my mom a couple years ago, but I am OK with it.

When people realize she is deceased, they are all like "I'm sorry for you" or " are you okay?". I think it is sweet of them to be concerned but how do I let them know that I don't want to talk about it?

I even had a girl come up to me and ask if I would get mad if people talked about their moms. It really gets annoying after awhile. I'm usually not mean but they get under my skin so often.

The fact it actually gets under your skin when people ask you about your mom tells me you're actually NOT OK with it. And you know what? That's OK, too.

You don't have to talk about it right now -- maybe one day, you'll want to. And when that day comes, you don't want to have alienated people now who could be there when you need them. So, as politely as you can, just tell them 'Yeah, I lost my mom a few years back, but it's not something I like to talk about.'

Most people will back off at that point. And don't take offense at your friends asking you if it's OK to talk about their mothers -- seriously, they're being sensitive to you and really trying to make sure you're not offended or hurt in their company.

So while it may seem annoying to have people treat you so delicately sometimes, remember they are doing it out of concern for you. And with that concern, if you express it correctly, will come an understanding of what you want to discuss/don't want to discuss and an understanding of what you are comfortable with.

Try not to get annoyed. I think once you try to look past the 'inconvenience' of having to answer the same questions over and over again, and understand the caring and concern that goes into asking maybe you'll be able to put up with it a little longer.

I have to say it, if ever you do decide you want to talk about your mom, please seek out an adult you trust or try one of the hotlines listed here. When you're ready, you'll really need a great listener -- you'll be surprised how much you have to say and how great it will feel to finally say it.

Best to you.

Friend Is Getting Ready to Blab. What Now?

Dear Dee:
I like a boy at school.
My best friend is going to tell him. What should I do?

The first thing to do is tell your friend to mind her own business! It's not her place to tell a guy you like him and her telling him against your wishes is nothing short of mean. And if she's doing in despite your objections, I'd say it was time to evaluate your friendship.

If you want this guy to know you like him, then it's up to you to show him/tell him. Don't ask someone else to do it. YOU need to be in control of what's happening and what info is being given out. And if you can't do it on your own, then maybe you're not quite ready to have a dating relationship. AND THAT'S OK! Too many people rush into it and seriously, there's no need to.

So, again, in the kindest way possible, tell your friend to shut her big mouth and that you'll handle it in your own time.

Advice-Giver Seeks Advice

Dear Dee:
Alright, before I get to my problem, I just wanted to say I love your advice page! I'm always the one of my friends giving advice, and sometimes I feel like my friends don't exactly get the advice thing. Haha. So anyway, thanks.

There's this guy. (Oh god, the kiss of death.) Anyway. I've had a crush on him since early October. We've gotten pretty close over the past few months (Not best friends, but not strangers either.)

We flirt a reasonable amount, mostly on my end (although he doesn't exactly try to stop me), and all of my friends who know I like him pretty much insist he likes me.

But, well... I don't really believe them. But I really like him. Not to be cliché, but I don't think I've ever felt this way before about a guy. It actually kind of annoys me, how I act so ... off around him. We hang out a lot together in school, and sadly, I think about him way too much.(

Oh, and one thing: he did ask me to a school dance that will be in February, but I said no on the basis that he didn't sound like he really wanted to go with me, but like he was asking because a mutual friend told him to, or something.

Yes, my friends know pretty much everything about this.)So, Dee, what I need is advice (of course; who doesn't?). Anyway, thanks!

While I understand your hesitancy to go to the dance with your crush, because you think he was forced into asking you, I think you should actually go with him! What better way to show him how absolutely irresistible you are by having an entire evening with his full attention! It might be a perfect way to make a 'friendship' turn into something more. So give it some thought, K?

It most definitely sounds like you've got it bad for this guy. And hey, don't let the fact you're feeling all of this stuff about him throw you for a loop. Put it in perspective! Most of the time, us girls get it wrong because we take a crush to the extreme -- to where we simply can't even function because the guy's consuming our thoughts. We become semi-obsessed! Don't let this happen to you.

While it's perfectly cool to think about him and to want to date him, there is nothing more pitiful to a guy than a girl who can't get it together when he's around. So while you know how you feel, you don't necessarily have to let him know how you feel -- until you're ready. Play it cool, continue the flirting, be his friend and when the time is right, you can kinda let yourself go (within reason) and show him your true feelings. Remember, you don't want to appear desperate or begging for the attention.

So just give enough attention/interest to try to get him wanting more. You sound like a really strong, smart girl. I know you can master your feelings and use them to your advantage to get this guy. And if it turns out he's not all that you thought he'd be, don't worry. There are TONS of guys out there ... in fact, checking them out is 99 percent of the fun of being a girl! WOO HOO!

Is My Mom Cheating On My Dad?

Dear Dee:
My mom doesn't tell my dad she loves him anymore. They fight at times. But that's not the problem. The main thing I'm worried about is she texts a guy from her work 24/7 and she doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore!

Does this mean she's cheating? What do I do?

This does not mean your mom is cheating with this guy at work. But I can't say she's most definitely not, either. It sounds like your mom is unhappy right now and is looking for ways to fix that -- instead of facing it head on and working through it with your dad. Now we don't know the particulars of what's going on between them. So the first thing to remember is not to judge or jump to conclusions.

Just remember she is in charge of her choices and what she's doing. Whatever is going on is not your fault. And I believe you have every single right to ask her what's happening. This is your family at stake here. Also, you asking her about her behavior might just be the jolt of reality she needs to realize her actions have consequences and what she does affects others besides just her.

I do hope your parents can work through this. Remember all marriages go through some rough spots and this could just be one of those. But if it's not, make sure you talk to someone you trust about how you feel about what's happening and don't keep it bottled up. You'll get through this.