My Parents Smoke and I Hate It

Dear Dee:
Both of my parents smoke and it really bothers me -- the smell, the look, the thought. It all really annoys me. I can't bear it!

I don't even think they notice it bothers me. Like when they talk, I can smell it and it smells horrible. I don't even like to invite friends over because they might think differently of me because my parents smoke. I can't discuss it with my parents because it makes me feel bad and guilty. Can you help?

Well, you could resort to what my brother and I did when we were little. We would find where our dad stashed his stogies and break them all in half, put them back in the container and back where he hid them. So when he went to get one, they would crumble in his hands. Yeah, we were funny like that. He never got mad, either. Guess he knew we were trying to help. (He did eventually quit.)

While I definitely understand how you feel about your parents smoking, I don't think you're approaching it from the right angle. All the reasons you mentioned are why you don't WANT them to smoke, but you've got to make them realize why they SHOULDN'T smoke.

It's bad for their health. The secondhand smoke is bad for your health. And there's no way around that.

This isn't going to be an easy conversation for you to have with your parents, but you need to. People are sometimes blind to how we feel about their habits -- especially if it's something they've done for a long time. So, you need to call it to their attention.

But instead of being angry about their smoking, take it up with them as a concerned daughter -- one who's affected by their choice to smoke. Talk to them about the health reasons. Then bring up the aesthetic ones -- the smelly clothes and hair, yellowing fingers, yellow teeth and the fact you are exposed to all of this because you have no choice in the matter. You can also bring up (gently) how you feel about your friends coming over.

Don't feel guilty! Just think of how you'll feel in 10 years if your parents develop lung cancer and you never, ever talked to them about quitting when you were younger. Do something while you can. If your parents respond positively to it, then great. If not, at least you know you tried.