Gay With Issues: Ignoring Conscience

Dear Dee:
I have one friend and she is the best thing in the world. She is the only one I'll talk to and I love her. I'm gay but my entire town is Mormon and they don't believe in that kind of thing so me and my friend are keeping it secret and it's putting a heavy burden on my shoulders. Most of the time I just want to die, I've already gotten into cutting and now every time I look in the mirror I'm disgusted with myself my friend told me that I would get over it that all of this would blow over but I don't think it will what should I do?

You titled your email to me ... 'gay with issues.' And I am not trying to make light of what you are going through, but hey ... we all have issues. It's seriously, how we handle those issues and come out of them that can actually define us as people.

Right now, you're going about it all wrong. You're harming yourself because you're scared to face adversity. But the very nature of where you live is pretty much a beacon of how you can overcome adversity. Mormons have faced it for years and years and years and still do, with grace and dignity overcome it and survive.

Listen, if you are disgusted with yourself then there is a reason. Do not ignore it. Your conscience is your guide against what's right and good for you. If you're doing something that you know you shouldn't be, then you need to stop. Don't listen to your friend on this account. If you ignore your conscience, and you stop hearing that nagging voice, it's not because what you are doing is all of a sudden OK, it is because you have become hardened to the truth and are willing to go against what you know to be right. It means you are no longer moldable and pliable to what's right and wrong. It means you've abandoned your conscience. If you get to that place, it is almost impossible to get back. And it is sad, very very sad.

I am not going to judge you for your lifestyle or for the decisions you have made. But I will tell you, that the fact you are hurting yourself and are even remotely thinking of suicide means you have real problems you need to deal with and you need to deal with them in a way you'll be proud of and in a way you can learn from. My long-time readers have heard this a million times: suicide is a permanent solution to what are only temporary problems. Cutting is the same way. It is something that's addictive, harmful and most of all ... stupid.

Don't become a statistic just because you weren't brave enough to face adversity and you weren't strong enough to do what you know to be right. Don't become that girl who bailed out of her problems by diving into self-harm instead of looking her issues straight in the eye and dealing.

And don't cop out by deciding your common sense and conscience aren't worth listening to. They are your moral compass and have everything to do with what kind of person you are becoming ... and they have everything to do with what you stand for. And that's not something to be taken lightly or to be ignored.

OK For a 16-Year-Old to Date 20-Year-Old?

Dear Dee:
I am a 16-year-old girl but I have a body of a 21-year-old. Since my body looks older, I have always acted more mature then anyone else. I'm writing because I have never had a boyfriend. All the guys my age think I'm 20 or something.

And all the guys who ask me for my number or ask me on a date are 18 - 22. I'm so tired of saying 'no' to them especially when I think they are cute. My older brother came back from college and brought home a friend. I like him and he likes me so we exchanged numbers.

I made sure I didn't find out his age and he didn't find out mine just to see if age was really just a number. So we were talking for like 2 months and we finally kissed. That's when I decided to ask him his age. He said 20. Then I told him to guess my age and he said 19 or 20. When I told him my age he didn't even care. He said he liked me for who I am and he was glad I didn't tell him my age before because he would have never gotten to know me on this level. Now we've been going out for 6 months.

So my question is ... is age just a number or is it wrong for a 16 and 20 yr old to be together?

I can't really believe this guy didn't know how old you are/were. He's your brother's friend. And I am sure, after meeting you, he asked your brother about you. And come on. You had an idea of how old he was, because he's friends with your brother. So while you saying 'you deliberately' didn't ask age, you knew. Anyway, this isn't the issue.

The issue is this: I believe in most states, it's illegal for a 20-year-old to 'date' a minor. And the first thing coming to my mind when I read your situation is this guy just wants something from you -- and it doesn't seem to be a long-term relationship.

You are 16. And while it's way cool for you to date a 20-year-old, does it really make sense a college boy would chance his 'cool' factor by telling his college friends he's dating a 16-year-old sophomore/junior in high school? It doesn't seem to add up. Sure, there are the rare exceptions out there but it's not the norm. Don't take that the wrong way. It's not being said to be mean ... Can you see how your situation doesn't make sense? It's like a senior in high school dating a freshman ... doesn't really happen that often ...

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your brother, but if he's a typical big brother who's rather protective of his little sis, maybe he'd have a few things to say about his friend. Does he approve of you dating? Does he even know it?

Age isn't just a number at your age. There are too many personal and emotional differences between a 16-year-old and a 20-year-old. You are still in high school -- figuring out what your next steps are and are getting guidance from your parents. He's in college, hopefully with a career path in mind and is making many of his own decisions. He probably has more experience with relationships and sexual situations than you do -- and could pressure you into things you're not ready for. I'd also worry you'd not feel comfortable saying 'no' in order to not come off younger and inexperienced.

Later in life, age is less of an issue when, as an adult you've gained more life experience and you can make more informed decisions.

Regardless of whether or not you look it, you are 16. You need to experience things a 16-year-old would experience -- with peers or those a few years older than you. Learn to drive. Get your license. Celebrate high school. Enjoy your beautiful figure by respecting your body and not getting into situations you're not yet ready to handle. Don't grow up too fast. And, don't be deceptive about your age. This is very, very important.

Sorry I can't say what you want to hear. But regardless of whether you take my advice or not, I do hope you will think this situation through very carefully and at least be aware.

Change of Scenery Scary for Small Town Girl

Dear Dee:
I've recently found out I'm moving. But you see, I've lived here my whole life and I'll be leaving everything; My friends I grew up with, my mom, step dad, my little brother and my boyfriend. And to add on to all of that, I've lived in a small town all my life with no malls or big cities or anything.

So moving to a bigger place with people I don't know will be a dramatic change for me. And I'll be attending my first year of high school there. Scary stuff! Being a shy person, I hope I don't have much trouble meeting new people. But will I be accepted?

You're right! This is way scary. And it most definitely won't be easy. But if you think of it as an adventure -- a chance to broaden your horizons, then you can get through it.

This doesn't mean you forget where you came from or those who are important to you -- it means you embrace your new opportunities and turn your fear into a chance to kinda remake yourself.

Do you have things you wish your entire town didn't know about you? Do you have some stuff you wish your friends didn't know? Well, a new city is a clean slate and a chance to reinvent yourself. Doesn't mean you don't stay true to your roots, just means you use this opportunity to look at yourself and make a few changes.

Now, up until the time you leave, enjoy your friends. Spend time with the family you're leaving behind and make some memories to carry with you. Don't mope around and waste away your time worrying about the future. Just live in the moment and enjoy.

Then, when it is time to go, say your goodbyes, keep in touch and appreciate the fact you have your friends from your past to keep you grounded, and your friends in your new place to help you make adjustments and get used to a new place.

You will be accepted. Especially if you don't act like the mopey new girl -- but a girl who is excited to move on, and make new friends.

So get out there. Have fun ... and then, move on and make some new friends & have new adventures.

'Degrassi' Dreams & a Dose of Reality

Dear Dee:
Have you ever wanted something so bad, you would try to do it even though you were specifically told not to? Well, I want to be an actress on TV.

It's always been my dream to be famous, ever since I could speak. And, the first time I ever saw, Degrassi: The Next Generation, I fell in love with it. I really love that show and it thought it would be so amazing if I could be on it. I heard they have auditions for roles openly during the seasons when needed, but I've also heard rumors they have already filmed their last season. Do you have to be like, unbelievably amazing? I don't know if I will ever be on the show, but it won't hurt to try right? And even if my chances aren't that high, i won't give up. And one more thing...if I can still go for my dream when my chances are one to a million, why can't they bend the rules just a little for a good actress?

Hey, never ever give up on your dreams. And from the sound of your enthusiasm above, I think you already know that. What you have to do though, is understand there is a time and a place for everything. Right now, there are other things you need to focus on -- getting through school, getting other things in motion in your life. These will help you in the long run to achieve your acting aspirations.

'Degrassi' is a great show -- but you know what? It's time is coming to an end! Don't you want to be involved in a project that's new, fresh and exciting? Something that hasn't been done before? How about you set your sights on doing all you can to be the best actress you can be. Study. Watch. Listen. Learn. You very well could be the next big thing ... but you have to wait until the time is right.

If acting is your passion and your true goal in life, then prepare yourself. So you can't make auditions for 'Degrassi' in Canada ... so what. Enjoy the show. Study the other actors and actresses on it, get more inspiration from watching them and pick up on what makes them good characters, bad characters and just mediocre ones. Dive into your craft.

Use this time, when your parents aren't to hyped up on you auditioning, etc to show them how dedicated you are -- that it's not just a phase for you. Let them know, through diligent work in school and keeping up with what you need to at home, that you can handle responsibility and you're willing to shoulder what taking on a career like this entails.

It won't happen overnight. Parents don't deliberately mean to hurt us by not supporting our 'celebrity' dreams. They want us be realistic and gravitate towards more traditional pursuits. And that's fine! Parents just don't want us to be disappointed! But if those of us who take that doubt, do what we have to do and still stay true to our passions who succeed at our dreams. Hold on to that and show your parents you have what it takes. Keep it real, be responsible and show them you mean business. They'll get on board soon enough and be extra proud of you for staying true to your heart.

Good luck and I hope, when you're on TV someday, you'll remember me ... I would love an autographed picture (that's 'Dee' with two e's. ...).

Girl Down on Self Needs to See Her Potential

Dear Dee:
I'm a 16-year-old girl and I really hate myself. I never think I look right or act right and at the moment I'm pretty paranoid.

At school I'm known as the shy one who never has anything to say but people just don't understand. I find it so hard to say what I think. I have a small group of friends and they are all great but I want to make more friends. I want to know other people could like me.

I'm embarrassed to say I've never been kissed by a boy and have only had 2 really short relationships so surely there's something wrong with me. People obviously think there is. I'm ugly, well I think I am anyway. When people say I'm not, I want to believe them so badly but I just think they are being nice to me because I'm a total reject.

I hate feeling like this and everything's just getting worse. I really need some help and I guess I just don't know how to get it. I've been thinking about suicide and clearly don't want to go down that route. How can I stop hating myself so much and just accept the way I am?

Listen, I am not a professional therapist and can not give you clinical advice at all. And if you feel like you are going to harm yourself -- or others -- you need to talk to an adult you trust right away. This is not a laughing matter. Call someone on my list of Hotlines and Help Contacts. This type of situation is exactly why these resources were created.

Suicide is a very permanent solution to very, very temporary problems. Part of life is learning how to get through these rough patches and come out stronger, wiser and a much better person. And you can get through this. Nothing you're going through right now is devastating or beyond help. You've just got to determine within yourself to deal with it and learn from it.

You are a beautiful young woman with promise. The way you're feeling right now, you might not see that, but there is no one in this world exactly like you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and created for a purpose that can only be filled by you. And while you may not see that right this very second, it's a promise you will come to realize in time. So believe it. Hold this truth close to your heart and whenever you feel crappy, remember it. Use this truth to help you appreciate yourself and what you have to offer this world.

You're upset because you haven't been kissed or had many relationships. But if you really think about this, how can you expect people to gravitate towards you or want to be with you if you can't love yourself. I know it sounds silly, but it's true! Seems right now, you're so caught up in self-pity, it would be difficult for others to be with you.

Honey, you say you want to stop feeling like this. So just stop then. Stop dwelling on the things about yourself that make you unhappy and start focusing on what you love about life. What are your hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? Maybe even dive into some charity work so you can stop thinking about yourself and put energy into others. Work on understanding that sometimes, it's not all about us or the way we feel -- and rewards are reaped in big ways when we focus on others.

Challenge yourself constantly. You want more friends? Then make it a point to meet new people! Swallow that shyness and try to say hello to a new person every single week. Step out of your comfort zone and instead of walking by a group of people with your head down, hold your head up high and smile when you pass. Even these small steps will make you feel better about yourself and make others look at you a little differently.

Don't read into your friends' compliments. When they tell you you're a pretty girl, soak that in! Don't dissect the compliment and question their motives. Are you honest with your friends when you compliment them? Sure you are! So don't insult your friends by expecting them to be anything less than truthful.

Lastly, believe in yourself and your ability to be beautiful -- inside and out. And I promise you, once you do this -- really, really do it -- you'll see a difference in how people react towards you. Again, you are a special young lady. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and you're haven't even begun to experience your full, exciting and excellent potential.

don't doubt it. Just seek it.

Facebook Crush Causes Depression, Sadness

Dear Dee:
I know a lot of notes start like this, but here it goes.

So there is this guy ... he is smart and fun to be around. We talk everyday on Facebook and he tries to get together with me every week.

A few days ago, he says "I really like (name omitted), but I can't think of a place to take her out." It hurt to hear, but I didn't want to seem like I thought of him romantically. So, like an idiot, I started suggesting places.

Now ever since, we still talk, but I'm depressed. I'll just be sitting around and all of a sudden burst into tears. Now I feel like the person in the movie, who likes the guy, but he likes the popular girl in school. Do you know what can be done?

Sounds like you hit this curve ball out of the park when this guy sprung his dating dilemma on you. Good job.

But here's the rub: You can either continue to suffer in private, secretive pain while he dates this other person, or you can let him know how you feel. See, in movies, it seems cool for the 'girl who likes the guy who likes another girl' to wait until the guy sees how wonderful the girl is, but in real life, it doesn't always work like that.

Don't get me wrong: It happens. But most of the time, the person who goes after what she wants gets what she wants. You never know, he could've been testing you to see if you'd say something back like 'why you taking her to dinner ... isn't it my turn' or 'Well, how about you take her to McDonald's and me to Red Lobster ... I seem more your type.' He may have been gauging whether or not you liked him by seeing how you reacted to another girl. It's silly, but guys do that sometimes.

Anyway, you know your situation best, but I think you can be subtle and find out if you have a chance with him. Don't wait idly by and burst into tears everytime you think about it. Dry those eyes and do something about your pain. And if he's not interested, it's best to know than to always wonder. You can then deal with your disappointment, mourn it and move on.

Also, while I understand your depression (I've been there myself), remember happiness is a choice. Yes, you're hurting but don't let this overtake you or let your sadness define you. You're a beautiful, wonderful person with many opportunities. Do not let your happiness live and die with a guy on Facebook. We really spend too much time letting our happiness depend on other people ... when we should take charge ourselves and realize we're going to be happy regardless of what others say or do.

Now, just as a side note: You didn't really mention if you know this guy from school as well. You definitely said you talk on Facebook, which is fine, but if he's not a personal acquaintance, be careful. I don't condone meeting and hooking up with people online --when you don't really, really know them. I am assuming, since it's Facebook, you probably know him from another area of your life. But still, I had to say it (I'm cautious like that ...).

Momma Feels She's Losing Grip on Son

Dear Dee:
My son is 13 years old. Up until a month ago, he was the perfect child and student. All of a sudden, his grades started slipping, he started smoking and knows where to buy drugs.

Even though I believe in my heart he is not taking illegal substances, I am concerned with the type of friends he has. He also started talking to me like I am nothing in his life, excepts when he needs money etc.

I have now informed all the parents of his friends what is happening and he is grounded for the next 3 weeks. My heart is breaking, he is so young and throwing away his whole life. Some of the other parents just don’t care and says they are big enough to make their own decisions.

How can I keep him away from these children or make him understand? I have tried talking to him, but he only gives me a blank stare. I want my son back, it feels like I am losing him. Please help.

Mom, I normally don't answer questions from parents -- only young adults -- but your question, I wanted to respond to, because the response can benefit my readers and hopefully you, too (and I've been there!).

Once kids hit the teen years, some parents think it's time to stop parenting and become more of a best friend ... well ... our kids have best friends at school. They don't need them at home, too. Once adolescence hits, it's like the world looks at our kids differently. They're no longer kids, but not really adults. And the pressures are way way serious in their world. So, it's more important than ever, parents know what's going on in their teen's lives and they guard against, and instruct them on how to handle these pressures.

I know when I was that age, there were times I hated my mom and dad for being in my face, getting into my business and always butting in when I didn't want them to. But, my parents didn't care. They didn't let the fact I yelled, had a cruddy attitude and treated them like sh** impact their involvement in my life. They instructed me, kept me in line and never let me forget they loved me and were doing it all for my own good.

You've mentioned your son's attitude and actions are getting a little out of hand. It is your job, however painful for you, to keep on him. Keep in line. Ride him about his grades and keep him away from kids you don't want him hanging with. Do whatever necessary to keep him on the right track. He's going to see it as hateful and none of your business, but later, he'll be glad you did it.

His actions right now, can define the rest of his life. And whether or not you want to believe it, you, as the parent, are ultimately responsible for him. Do not give up on him. Do not let him do whatever he wants. And most of all, do not let him throw his life away. Do whatever you have to and keep him away from those friends and keep him from smoking. Seriously ... if you have to hire him a stinkin' babysitter (or make him get a job at a boys club) after school or for the summer -- make him accountable to authority -- and make him understand if he wants responsibility and wants to make his own choices, he has to prove he's worthy of making the right ones.

This won't be easy. But from one mother to another, it's what you HAVE to do. I've been through it. And regardless of what he says to you now (I am sure, when you lay down the law, some 'I hate you' comments and various other choice words will be thrown around), he will come back to you. There's a special bond between a mother and her son. That sweet boy is in there somewhere and with guidance, you can get him back.

Now, to my faithful readers who are shaking their heads in defiance of this post: I am hoping you can understand and read into the agony this mother is going through because of the actions of her son. She is seeing the BIG PICTURE -- how his actions affect his future, his goals and how they can define the man he will become.

It's hard for us to see the big picture --how actions affect our entire lives -- whether it be letting our grades slip, smoking or hanging out with the wrong friends -- but they all do. Remember the phrase, 'actions speak louder than words?' Well, our actions define us and shape us into the adults we become. Granted, people who make wrong choices as kids turn out just fine all the time -- but it's usually because some wise adult steered them back onto the right path or an experience in our lives scared them straight.

So understand nothing I wrote to this mother is meant to be said against you -- and nothing I wrote is meant to make your lives a living hell. This boy needs this kind of guidance right now and this mother needs encouragement and strength to help get her son back on the right path.

Maybe this will help us all see what kind of angst and agony our parents go through when we're not exactly making the smartest choices. And how important their guidance and advice and sometimes, hard-headed rules are, to helping us become smart, strong and responsible adults.

Sophomore Wants to Stop Missing Out

Dear Dee:
I'm a sophomore at my school right now and the summer is quickly approaching. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of experiences I could be having, that would eventually make me a better person. I have never really been in any kind of relationship, although people tell me I'm pretty all the time and guys sometimes look at me interested, I'm never approached. I thought it was mostly because of my height (I'm 5'10) that makes me a little intimidating but I'm thinking that it might be something completely different.

It pains me I never have the courage to just strike up a conversation with guys I like. I feel like they maybe think I'm not interested in them because of my own fears and complexities.

Thanks for your time! I love your blog :)

The first step to overcoming a fear is recognizing it -- and you've done that. Talking to guys, especially when you feel self-conscious about yourself (your height) is so difficult -- and can seem impossible! But, I am here to tell you it's not.

Even though you don't feel confident and brave, you don't have to let guys know it. Fake your way through it until you convince yourself you can do it. Just hold your head up high, walk slowly and deliberately over to the guy in question and just say 'hey, how's it goin.'

It'll turn out great sometimes -- and others, it'll be a bust -- but it's worth it! You'll learn what works for you and you'll start to let your guard down a little. If you really dug deep into people, you'd find those of us who are extremely self-confident make a career of faking our way through it. Yeah, we have confidence -- but we don't always feel it. We just know how to channel our energies into conquering those situations we feel we don't have power over.

In your case, you feel your insecurities and fears are so obvious, guys shy away from you. So, it's time for you to reign those feelings in a little and realize you have a lot going for you!

5'10" is a fantastic height. It's sexy, it's sultry and it's model-perfect. There isn't a single thing you can do about your height, so use it to your advantage. Don't hang your head or hide your face when you walk by a guy you like. Strut your stuff! Hold your head up and own it, girl! Guys are attracted to girls who are confident, yet approachable. And with a few adjustments, you can get there.

You're already feeling like you're missing out -- and knowing this is one of the most important tools needed to fix the problem. So stop missing out and determine within yourself you're gonna enjoy your last few years in high school. You can do it! I know it!

Sluffing Off Not the Norm for Perfect Student

Dear Dee:
I'm a junior in high school and have ALWAYS been a pretty good student and really easy to deal with when it comes to teachers. I always did my homework, always got great grades, NEVER got in trouble for talking in class, etc.

Junior year was really stressful for me and now that it's almost over, I feel like I am falling apart. Its been 2 weeks since I went to bed before midnight. I'm usually in bed by 10:30 p.m. at the latest. I didn't do my last 2 homework assignments of the year for science and i just turned in my lab a week late for half credit.

I didn't do my last Spanish homework assignment and got told to be quiet 4 times in one 100-minute class period. My teacher threatened to move me if I talked again and I was mortified because since 1st grade I have never gotten in trouble for talking!

It's like I'm viewing my life from the outside because I can see what I'm doing and I see my grades slipping, but when I'm in the moment just sitting in class I just have the urge to purposely "rebel" against my teacher and not do my work or just talk to one of my friends instead of listening and paying attention.

I just don't understand why I have started acting and thinking this way or how I can get my self to stop thinking like this and again become the student teachers like and appreciate. Any ideas on whats happening? Thanks for reading!

Honey, it's time to take control again. And you know that. In fact, you solved your own problem when you wrote me. You acknowledged you were screwing up and you also realize that you need to get it together. So just do it!

You have control over your actions and you know you need to get back into shape. So get with it. Right now is not the time to mess up your future. You're going to be a senior soon and you don't want to ruin your chances at a great college career.

So, there's the lecture you needed to hopefully get back on track. But also know, it's pretty normal for a kid to get summer fever. You're so close to being totally done with school, it's natural for you to wanna goof off and just be done!

But you have to be responsible. So when those 'urges' arise, tame them and pull it back in. Everyone has to deal with wanting to do fun stuff instead of dealing with what they're supposed to be doing. And part of being an adult is understanding when it's OK to to play and when it's not. Sounds like you're starting to realize that. Now ... all you have to do is decide what to do with it.

Suicide Smashes Idyllic Freshman Year

Dear Dee:
This year was my freshman year in high school. It was a year my friends and I thought would be forever changing and we'd all be together to experience it. For us, it was like a right of passage; We were almost considered adults to our teachers and they wouldn't treat us like kids. But that all went down the tubes for us.

One of my best friends since Kindergarten killed himself. I was devastated, and still am. I live in New Hampshire and his death was the exact day the big ice storm took place. I never got to say goodbye to him.

It seems my other friends are having an easier time getting over it. I feel almost vulnerable to them and don't have anyone I can talk to about it. My parents tell me the same thing over and over again and I've tried.

Do you have any suggestions about what I could do to try and put it behind me faster? I live a life where school and family come first; my father is disabled, so I do most of the work around the house, and the stress of school catches up to me, then as I walk through the building and take me seat, I nearly cry every time I see that one empty seat that once belonged to him.

I feel hindered by this, but is this normal? Mostly I feel like an idiot because I should have seen the signs something was troubling him.

There is nothing you're feeling right now that isn't completely normal after what you've been through. Losing a friend is devastating no matter what age you are and when you put suicide into the equation, it worsens the scenario. But first and foremost, know there is nothing you could've done to prevent this. Your friend made choices. And while you knew him very well, we can't know everything about those close to us -- we only know what they are willing to let us know. So release yourself of feeling responsible.

Now, you say specifically you are troubled you didn't get to say goodbye to him. And I think this makes perfect sense to me. Have you thought of going to a special place you shared with him and literally 'talk' to him? Sit down, and let it all out. Or better yet, write it down. Let him know how his suicide has made you feel. How, even though you might not admit it, you're actually angry with him for his actions. Tell him how much his friendship meant to you and what kind of special place he holds in your heart. Let him know he'll always be with you because you've had numerous priceless memories together. And lastly, tell him goodbye. Then, give this note a kiss, fold it up and put it somewhere special. Or, tear it up and let it blow away in the wind. (I think littering is OK in this instance.)

Now, I have given you suggestions here, based on my own experience with the same situation. And I took my letter and placed it in my Bible. Ever now and then, I find it and read it. I feel a twinge and might shed a tear or two, but mostly I feel thankful for being able to have had that person in my life.

Sweetie, I am again so sorry for your pain. Sounds like you shoulder quite a bit of responsibility for your family and deal with way more than most people your age. So it is important you find a way to deal with your pain. While I think my suggestions are good ones, I am not a professional therapist and would recommend you reaching out to someone you trust. You can also contact help on one of the hotlines listed here. There are specialists who know how to talk you through some of your feelings -- and they might have other suggestions that would help you.

Please let me know how you're doing. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

Unrealistic Crush & Daydreaming Has It's Place

Dear Dee:
I have a crush on a guy but he is 25 years old and he is a dancer in a dance troupe. What should I do to get him to date me? Help me.

OK. Let's be realistic here. I have a crush on Wentworth Miller, but um ... there really isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I am guessing, if you're writing me, you're under the age of 18 so you already have a pretty good idea that a guy who's 25-years-old is ... um ... totally off limits. Not only would he go to jail if you dated, but I can guarantee you the two of you wouldn't have all that much in common.

Hey, having healthy crushes on older guys or even guys who are totally out of reach isn't a bad thing. Dreaming is a fantastic thing and it's in those fantasies were we start to realize what our ambitions and desires really are. There's nothing wrong with that. Heck, I can't criticize you for being boy crazy -- my mother would probably tell you she didn't know how to deal with my boy-craziness (she still doesn't).

Come on. You know there's really no chance to get this guy. But you can also think about what you like in him and remember those qualities as you look for someone more age appropriate.

and promise me ... you'll never, ever stop dreaming.

Crisis Not Over, But We're Having Fun With It

This response is from the writer of How Do I Treat My Pregnant Friend?

Dear Dee:
OK, I gave my friend your website. I think its helped her a lot.. she's decided to keep her baby, and we found out it is a girl and she's calling it Lily. And our group has been spoiling her and Lily probably a bit too much.

She (my friend) had her 18th birthday last week, so we all went to a natural beauty bar and got foot massages and pedicures since we didn't want her to go out,, at the moment we want to organise a surprise baby shower.. any ideas?

Glad you all are having fun with this -- but remember how serious the situation is and how much your friend will need your support! Let's throw the baby shower idea out to our readers. Anyone? Ideas? (I always vote for the Disney Princess themed baby shower .... a personal favorite ... lots of pink, btw.)

Mom Is Cramping Girl's Poolside Style

Dear Dee:
I'm 15 years old and I swim three days a week on a swim team. My problem is, all my mom will let me wear is a one-piece bathing suit. I am the only teen-age girl at the pool wearing one.

It really makes me stand out, plus she always buys them for me, and they are very dorky, The one I have now is pink with flowers. I hate pink. I want a bikini badly. My older sister has one and she had one when she was my age. When I talk to my mom about it she said 'I have been trying not to tell you this, but you are extremely attractive. So you are to keep your body covered.' That doesn't make much since to me. And I'm trying to understand her, but all I find myself thinking about is how unfair it is. What do you think?

I can understand your mother trying to protect you. I mean seriously, there are some wackos out there. And it is very difficult for me to second-guess a parent. After all, your momma is the ultimate authority over you right now. She has your best interests at heart!

But hey, you didn't write to me in order for me to tell you 'your momma's right, move on.' So let's see how we can deal with this in a way that doesn't undermine your mom's authority and helps you out as well.

There are some very modest and sassy bikinis on the market right now. And the latest in swim fashion leans towards the two-piece tankinis found EVERYWHERE. Maybe you could talk to her about going out together, making a day of it and finding a few of these.

I think you need to help your mom understand your beauty isn't something she needs to punish you for. After all, modesty is modesty regardless of who is wearing what. Do your best to let her know you know how to carry yourself and protect yourself. Immodesty abounds in today's fashion. It really does. And there is a way to be fashionable, appealing and modest. The same applies to the swimming pool.

So again, talk to your mom. But remember you need to do it in a respectful way. She is the authority and you need to approach her in a way showing you honor that and want to have a dialog with her. Make your case, ask for her consideration then take the results when she gives them. And if things don't go your way, DON'T POUT about it or scream and argue. Instead, ask - respectfully - for a compromise.

What could a compromise be you might ask? Ask her if you can help her pick out a new suit -- one that fits her modesty expectations, but also reflects your fashion, style and personality (no pink, right?). Regardless of whether it should or not, what we wear does affect our self confidence. And let her know you are very self-conscience about the suit you currently have and while it is a little vain (but understandable!) you'd like to feel more confident and as silly as it sounds a suit of your choosing (with her guidelines, of course) would help.

It may not be perfect, but maybe it will work. Feel free to print this out for your momma, too. Maybe hearing it from someone else (even if it's a complete stranger) will help! Good luck with everything -- in and out of the pool.

Girl Ponders Stand on Bi-Racial Dating

Dear Dee:
I go to a school that's primarily white, upper middle class students. There are other students, (Asian, oriental, African, etc) but for the most part, we can sum it up in that.

No one is actually racist, but its very assumed that if you're not white, you don't belong. This bothers me, but I don't see anything I can do about it.

However, recently, I've made friends with a guy in my class. We've hung out and talked, and it's become clear he and I have feelings for each other. He hasn't pushed it, so we're not officially dating, but I'm ashamed I'm so hesitant to openly go out with someone who is black. Why am I like this? I frustrate myself with my cowardliness, but I really like him!

My father wouldn't even take the time to consider him, because he's 'below us.' It gives me a headache to think about all the people who would hate me and the very, very few who'd stick it out with me. Most of my friends don't even like that we're friends! I am so confused! Please Help!

You already know the answer to your question. You really, really do. You say yourself you're ashamed of your hesitation. So, do something about it. Take a stand.

Now, I am not saying that taking a stand means you date the guy. Only you know if you like him enough to date him. But take a stand against the prejudice and even against your dad. See, I have many friends who are in bi-racial relationships. And they'll be the first to tell you how difficult it is and how people sometimes look at you a little funny. But you know what, this is 2009!

We are a progressive people who can adapt to change. But someone has to stand up for that change, first. In your school, in your home, this person could be you. Don't get me wrong. I am not putting this issue on your shoulders. I am simply saying, you not doing something because of what others say, even though you know those people are wrong, makes you just as guilty and ignorant as those people are. We ARE defined by our actions.

Simply stated, if you like him as a friend, then be his friend and don't be ashamed of it. Don't EVER EVER be ashamed of it. If you like him as a boyfriend, then date him. And don't ever apologize for it. Live your beliefs and kick your hesitation out the freakin' door.

One last point, as I know I am going on a rant: Right now, your conscience is getting to you. You say it yourself you hate your cowardliness. We have a conscience for a reason. ... That reason is to keep us from making mistakes. If we do not act on what our conscience is telling us, eventually we will be desensitized to it. Don't let this happen to you in regards to your not being able to stand your cowardliness.'

I honestly believe this is a defining time for you. You're seeing this issue in your school and in your home (with your dad) very clearly. It's time for you to stop wavering and decide if you're going to let the prejudice get to you or if you're going to stand tall with a friend whom you love to hang out with and makes you happy.

How Do I Treat My Pregnant Friend?

Dear Dee:
Hi, I came across your website while looking for links. I found out today one of my close friends is pregnant. My first reaction was WHAT? And now, panic. I don't know what to do ... or how to act ... I guess what I want to know is, in your experience, how would you want your friends to treat you? Because I don't want this to come between me and my friend.

Well, there is no way your friend being pregnant CAN'T come between you and your friend. But whether or not you let it build a wall or a hurdle is up to you and her.

What you can do for your friend is just be there for her. Support her. Support her when you're with her and then again when you hear others talking behind her back about her situation. Be there for her. And if she wants to talk to you about it, then let her.

It's no easy thing being the friend of a pregnant teen. You'll find her situation puts demands on your friendship. And if she decides to keep the baby, you'll face even more obstacles, as she'll need to adjust socially to taking care of her baby. BUT, if you're up for it, you can adjust and support once again and prove you're the type of friend who will stick it out.

A lot of girls in this situation find out all too suddenly who their true friends are. Most friends drop like flies once the 'big secret' is out, but the ones who stay around form bonds for life. And that's priceless. So I am so proud of you for wanting to do what's right by your friend and help her out, instead of just waiting around to see what happens. By writing me, you've proven you want to take action and do what you need to to sustain your friendship.

Let your friend know there are tons of resources out there for her (there are some hotlines listed here as well), that'll not only give her great advice, but can point her in the right direction if she needs help. I'm also here, if she needs someone to talk or write to. Feel free to share my story with her, if you'd like. It can be found here: Dear Dee's Teen Pregnancy Story.

Stay strong! Please let me know what happens. I am definitely interested and love getting updates.

My Dad Is Gone; How Do I Go On?

Dear Dee:
My father died last month and I have no idea what to do. How can I tell people what I feel? He was my muse. I need real advice.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine losing a parent, as both of mine are still alive. But honey, I do know it is very important for you to express your feelings and to grieve. Don't hold it inside. That's the absolute worst thing you can do.

Of course, some people aren't going to know how to react to you right now. They're not going to know how to support you. So be very open with them. When they ask if there's anything they can do, take them up on it! Ask those you trust to sit and listen to you. Ask them to help you through it. Lean on friends, teachers and others in your circle of friends. There are also support groups out there who can talk you through your loss. As for web resources, I am a fan of http://thesite.org/. It's a fantastic online resource that cuts through the crap and really can help give perspective, real-life insight and additional resources. Their section on losing a parent is really insightful.

Lastly, I want to talk to you about you saying your daddy is/was your muse. This is absolutely precious and beautiful. And while it may seem dark right now, this doesn't have to end. Draw on the encouragement, the beauty and the emotion your father made you feel. Use that to continue to move forward -- to create, to grow and to live a full life. He is still with you, just in a different way. Don't forget that. He wouldn't want you to. And he'd expect you to move on and fulfill yours, and his, hopes and dreams.

I will keep you in my prayers, sweetie.

When It's This Bad, It's Time to Get Help

Dear Dee:
OK, I think I might have some type of mental illness. I'd actually be relieved if I did, because then maybe somebody could give me some pills to make me normal. I have these "mood swings", sometimes (most of the time) I'm so angry I can't imagine why someone would ever have so much hate in them, and other times, I just feel nothing at all.

My mother is an alcoholic and she abuses the hard prescription drugs, she lives with her brother who is a lazy pot smoker, but I only see her sometimes on the weekends. She's tried to kill herself before, I always feel like I'm the cause of this because my birth caused her to not be able to work. She's now depressed.

I usually live one week with my alcoholic dad and his stupid girlfriend and the next week with my "Ex-step-mom" by choice. I hate having to pack up and go to everybody's house, I feel like nothings stable. My dad and his girlfriend are major drinkers, in fact there out partying right now. I'm like a 14-year-old mother. I practically take care of my 6-year-old sister, she's so stressful and she cries a lot. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm not professionally qualified to give you advice on these items, other than to tell you it's time to get help. Please use the help and emergency hotlines to find some help. Really. It's important. Also, consider reaching out to a local church or organization for help. There is support for you out there -- reach out and find it.

You are not crazy. You're young, your overwhelmed and you're dealing with way more than anyone your age should ever have to deal with. Be strong. Know that it is not your fault and that you can get through it if you get help now. You and your sister deserve way more than you're currently being given.

Showing Feelings in a Hidden Relationship

Dear Dee:
Well I'm 14 and my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a month.
She wrote me a note asking me if i still loved her and saying if i wanted things to end I'd have to do it. Well, I don't want things to end at all! I love her very much. but that day on the bus one of her best friends kissed me.

No one knows me and my girlfriend are dating because her mom doesn't approve of her being in a relationship with another girl. and her cousin in our school would tell her mom if she found out. so uh yea we have to hide it. I'm afraid if she finds out about her friend kissing me before I can tell her, then she'll really think i don't love her anymore. i don't think shes worth all the trouble of hiding a relationship but she is.....idk what to do.


It's difficult when you feel you have to hide your relationship from those around you -- especially those who are close to you. I know this happens often, and I've been guilty of it myself -- but that doesn't change the truth: If you can't be honest about who you are to those around you, then how can you be honest about your feelings in regards to those you love?

Having to hide a relationship may seem to be the right thing because, I am guessing your families don't know you're gay, but it puts you in a situation that's uncomfortable and makes it extremely difficult for you to maintain. Part of being in a relationship is dating, being together out in the open and having the support of friends and family. Also, those we are in relationships with get assurance through public displays of affection (holding hands while walking down hall) or being able to talk about the relationship with others. You two don't have any of that because of your secrecy.

I don't know your exact situation. But if you or your girlfriend aren't ready to stand up for who you are to those around you, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you are. Right now, your relationship is causing pain, doubt and anxiety for both of you -- not to mention it's making it difficult for you to ward off advances from other people.

Again, I am sure this is not what you want to hear, but it has to be said.

Warding Off Nightmares a Psalm Away

Dear Dee:
Someone I know has really bad nightmares. It's to the point where they will wake up at night, crying or so shaken about the nightmare they can't go back to bed.

It's not just once in a while, it's every night and these nightmares are horrible. They are not your normal nightmare, my friend has told me about some of them, and horrible things happen in them.

Is there anything that can be done to make this stop? Or help it go away? Thanks!

I am not a trained therapist or a psychiatrist who can 'read' into emotional reasons behind nightmares. But from my own experience, I can share what I did during a time in my life when nightmares seriously plagued my sleep.

I had some pretty weird stuff going on in my life and it was troubling me and I was really hurting emotionally. I had nightmares every single night about bad things happening to my family and to others I cared a lot about. They were violent and scary.

Now, maybe I should've sought professional help. But I was young and didn't. (Maybe your friend should ...) So I did something that literally just came to me in the middle of the night after a nightmare. And eventually, they went away. I quoted to myself, Psalms 23.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever."

I promise you I had the most restful sleep after doing this. I'd repeat it to myself until I fell asleep and most of the time I didn't even make it to the end.

Now again, your friend may need some professional help. I don't know her whole situation. But I do know there is comfort in this scripture and there is protection. And that protection even includes the fear that comes from dreams and nightmares.

I wish you and your friend the best and most of all, sweet dreams.

Moving On Is Easier Said than Done

Dear Dee:
I'm the same girl who wrote the "He's Not Ready for a Relationship" post.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your advice! It really helped me out... Well, me and this guy are still friends, but it just doesn't seem like it was before. We'd say smile and say hi to each other all the time, but I don't know! It's just weird...considering the fact that he said he still likes me. It's been so many weeks now, and I THINK I'm getting over him...Its taking time though because everything seems to remind me of him... Yeah, you're right about the whole "he should have told you he wasn't ready in the beginning" thing because he totally led me on!

When we started talking, he made it seem like he was going to ask me out or something, but now that he's broken the news to me, it had me thinking that I did or said something that made him change his mind.

I know I should be moving on and getting over him, but it's really difficult because I loved him a lot ... I still do ... and I don't think my feelings have faded away just yet.

Listen, don't over-analyze this situation. It won't change it. All it will do is make you feel bad and doubt yourself. And you don't need that! Try really hard to think of other things when your mind starts wondering to the 'what ifs' and 'what happened' questions. What happened is, this guy is a weenie and it took him breaking your heart to find it out. And while that really sucks, it happens sometimes.

Just pick yourself up and realize that it's this guy's loss. And while it is hard to get over someone, you will ... and you will find someone else. If you need to stay away from him for awhile in order to heal, do it. And don't apologize for it! You've got to do what you have to do to help yourself move on. You are worth far better than him and you have a ton to offer a great guy ... don't lose heart.