Soph Guy ... Senior Girl ... Realistic?

Dear Dee:
I am a high school sophomore with a major crush on a senior. However, other than the mock trial team and seeing each other in the hallway, we rarely see each other, and her brother is one of my friends (not my best friend, but a friend nonetheless). I don't know if she's taken, but I can't just go up and say, "Hi, are you taken?". How can I go about approaching her, if at all?

No. you most definitely can’t walk up to her and ask if she’s taken. … Because first of all, that sounds stupid. You can however ask her if she has a boyfriend. Secondly, why not just ask her sibling? You’ve said you’re friends …

I don’t want to be the bearer of the harsh truth here, but generally, high school girls don’t date guys who are two years behind them in high school. Remember … girls tend to mature faster than guys. There’s more of a stigma for a girl to date a younger guy than there is for a guy to date a younger girl. Also, if she’s 18, it is actually against the law for her to date a minor … and anyway, it’s just kind of ….eeeeeeewwwwww. Sorry. Had to say it.

If you two were older, I wouldn’t say such things. Your age difference wouldn’t matter. But right now, it kind of does. There’s the social thing, there’s the legal thing and there’s also the fact she’s probably getting way into preparing for college. So from those standpoints alone, this relationship is kind of doomed. Maybe give it a few years and see what transpires. You never know. But right now probably isn’t the right time.

SORRY I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR …. I really am sorry.

Parents Pushing Prom Date

Dear Dee:
I've always thought dating to be overrated and so I've never got a date for any of our dances. Well, not until recently. Prom is a week away. My mom and family have put their foot down and told me I need a date in order to go to prom.

I spoke to some of my friends and it turns out they all have dates! This happens to me, my friends all end up getting dates and somehow I never get one. I took matters into my own hands and started asking guys.

I asked a guy I liked and ended up getting rejected. And now I know I won't get to go to prom.

I told my mom I couldn't get a date, and she told me I can. She said I have what it takes to get a date but I just don't want to because "I want to hurt her." I don't even see how that relates to prom, but now I feel really bad. Not only can I not get a date, but I'm letting my mom down.

I resorted to asking any guy, any guy at my school. Even guys I barely know, but no luck.

I'm starting to think my career has something to do with it. After focusing on acting/modeling, I've let my social life go to hell. I want to go to prom.

This is my only year to go because my family is moving to California and I want to go to prom. And with my luck, the only guy who would say yes to me would be a guy my parents don’t approve of – so I still wouldn’t be able to go.

How can I get a date?

Hum. I would think your parents would be THRILLED you want to go to prom without a date. I can’t even tell you how many parents seem to really, really stress out over all the prom drama – not to mention the rumors and the well, the nightmares that come along with it.

I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know why your parents want you to get a date. But if you really feel you wanna go and they are being unfair to you, how about you sit down and give it to them straight! Let them know you’re just not that into dating right now – that you’re focused on your career and ambitions and being the student you can be. Tell them you really want to experience prom and don’t want to buy into all the pressure that comes with having a date BUT you don’t want to miss out on the fun.

Let your mom know you’re not trying to hurt her by not getting a date. That this actually has nothing to do with her at all. It’s just how you are and where you are right now in your life.

Who knows. Maybe your momma has some traumatic prom story – some repressed memories she fights back because she was dateless at the prom – not by choice – and she was made fun of. Who knows what’s behind her thinking. (Or … maybe she’s seen the movie ‘Carrie’ one too many times … but if that’s the case, tell her to watch ‘Pretty in Pink’ because great things happen to two people who go to the prom dateless …)

I do hope you can talk them around. I know you can if you go to them respectfully and talk to them in a way that shows them you’ve thought through this and have been trying to do what they’d like, but now you just need them to understand where you’re coming from. And hey, who knows … when the pressure’s off, maybe Mr. Adorable Prom Date will waltz right up to YOU during lunch and sweep you off your feet (but watch out … don’t drop that lunch tray).

Good luck and send pictures of the prom dress!

Wanna Date? Grow Up a Little

Dear Dee:
I have been dating this girl for about eight months but we have not declared we are boyfriend and girlfriend. We have been making out for awhile and we always almost get caught and it scares me whether it be by the cops or my parents. I have a lot of respect for girls but this time I went too far.

Here is my problem: Her grandfather had died and she said she did not want to be at her aunt’s house because it was too sad. So I drove out and picked her up. Her parents thought I was one of her friends just taking her home. We drove back to her empty house where we started making out and some other things. Her parents came home early so I had to run to her room to hide. I was terrified shivering in the dark of her room. I overheard her mom asking whose car was outside and the girl said I don’t know.

The only way out was through her window so I broke the screen on accident trying to escape. I ran to my car and got away! Eventually her parents found out it I was there and they were furious. The girl said if they would have found me I would not be alive seriously.

I did not talk to her for weeks until it was time to take her to a dance I asked her to. Her parents were no longer mad and I am off the hook but I am still afraid to see her parents at all or even hang out with her. They even ask if I want to watch a movie with their family. Why am I still afraid of her parents?

A few things here: If you’re not mature enough to admit you’re dating a girl, then you shouldn’t be dating her. I mean seriously! Grow up. You can drive. You can hang out past dark … and you’re afraid to tell people you’re dating? Think through this. Maybe you’re not ready.

And hey, if you do decide you’re ready to date and you’re really into this girl, don’t worry about her parents. So you were at her house when you weren’t supposed to be … it’s not the end of the world. And believe me, parents have walked in on their kids doing much, much worse than what you were doing. They can handle it. Just own up to your mistake, apologize to them and then RESPECT their ground rules. You guys are young. And if you have to sneak around and are ashamed of what you’ve been doing when you’re making out and other stuff’ then you probably shouldn’t be doing that. You have a conscious for a reason … don’t ignore it Listen to it, be smart and most of all … act your age and have fun. Give her parents a chance. Go to a movie night over at her house! Show them you’re the kind of guy they want their daughter hanging with … not the kind who sneaks around, jumps out windows and then never shows his face again … because those are the kind of guys all of our mommas warn good girls about … And you don’t wanna be that guy.

He's Shifty & He Likes Me ... Yikes!

Dear Dee:
OK. So I'm kind of new at this whole asking for advice thing because I usually can handle my own problems. But I'm kind of in a pickle.

You see, there's this boy who is in the 8th grade. I am in the 7th. Tonight he told me he liked me and now things are all awkward between us and I don’t know if I like him back.

He's nice and all but is kind of shifty sometimes. And, he isn’t the cutest guy either. I mean looks aren’t everything to me, but they do matter. My friends don’t like him either. I don’t know what to do.

Hey, I give you props for trying something new … Thanks for giving me a chance!

You know what … I think you actually DO know whether you like this guy … and the answer is … you don’t. It seems pretty obvious to me. He’s your friend but there things about him that have you keeping your guard up. For instance: Him being shifty. This tells me you know you can’t trust him and he’s rather unreliable. You don’t need that.

So your choices are to either let him down gently and try to maintain your friendship or wise up and stop hanging out with a ‘shifty’ person … because seriously … should you be?

I think not …

Morning After Regrets Cause Tears

Dear Dee:
I love the site! You always give good advice.

But my problem is, I had protected sex, and I feel guilty I'm not married to my lover yet. I don't want to get married until I'm in my 20's, but I just couldn't wait.

But I loved my boyfriend so much, I didn't want to risk waiting too long and have us break up before we did anything. But I am to the point where I am nearly crying because I didn't wait for marriage.

Here's a hug for confidence.

OK. Let's get something straight. You could've waited. You just didn't. Be honest with yourself. If this guy was the one, he would've waited, too. And really, it kind of sounds like you don't think he's the guy for you. You said it yourself you didn't want to risk waiting too long and have you two break up without doing anything. And frankly, that's what you're supposed to do! You're supposed to WAIT for the right one!

But anyway, admit these things to yourself and then forgive yourself. It's not the end of the world. Take the way you feel right now and remind yourself of it when you're thinking of throwing virtue to the wind. You are worth waiting for. You really, really are. But the first person you have to convince is YOURSELF. Also, remember WHY you want to wait ... and the answer to this is ... Because it's the right thing to do!

Seriously. There is nothing you can do about what you've done. But you can recommit to abstinence and this time make it a commitment you're not going to break. Talk to your boyfriend about this and let him know how important it is to you to keep this commitment. If he cares about you then he'll understand your decision to wait and he'll totally respect it.

So now dry those tears. You've got some thinking to do.

Cocky Guy's Signals Hard to Decipher

Dear Dee:
There's a really hot guy I like, but I don't know how he feels about me because I'm having difficulty deciphering his actions as flirting or not.

I know he's overly confident, to the point of being cocky at times,(which I think is a front to an extent because he isn't very tall) but I don't know if that would make him act more bold, or uninterested.

Could you help me with your input?

Yeah. Guy speak can be difficult to get a handle on, but if you're really stumped by it, then it's a good idea to just let it go for awhile.

Anyway, you admit above you think he's overly confident and cocky ... and my experience is this type of guy doesn't make a great boyfriend because he always wants to be the center of attention vs. giving his girl the attention she needs. Relationships are two-way streets and you don't need to be bending over backwards to service his ego.

So think about it, OK? Then, take a break from overly analyzing him. Try to look at what he does and the way he acts with your eyes wide open and get a sense of his personality and how he treats people.

Then, if you're still interested, start to find out if he's interested in a relationship. I think in this case, getting to know him first and observing his personality is a very smart step before you try to jump into anything.

Embarassed When Friends Talk Sex

Dear Dee:
I am 19 years old and in my second year of university. I found the transition from High School to University very difficult, but now that I'm in my second year, I feel much more comfortable. I have made few friends, but we're becoming very close and I'm so happy about that.

What I'm writing to ask advice for is, my friends are very open sexually. They talk about their hook-ups and experiences easily and are now wondering about me. The truth is, I'm 19 and NEVER been kissed!

I almost find it embarassing - I feel like a little girl when they talk ... they say stuff and I blush and do my best not to laugh, but on the inside, I feel left out and almost weird in a world where I see people kissing on the street corners and the who-knows-what at parties, and there I am, the loser who hasn't had a simple kiss!
Any advice for me?

Do NOT be embarrassed. And there is no reason in this world you should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, this world is totally screwed up when girls talk about their sexual exploits as casually as they talk about the sale at the shoe store. YOU are the one in the right here. These other girls are wrong. And while that's hard for you to see, it is the truth.

It absolutely sickens me how our society has made sex such a casual, conversational thing. It is disgusting how it is a symbol of status among guys and girls. It is VERY VERY wrong!

Let me tell you this: While you're sitting there, listening to the girls talk about their latest one-nighter, and acting like it was a conquest. What they're not telling you is how they're really burying the fact there was no emotional attachment. They’re not talking about the fact that even though they were 'protected,' there's still a part of them that wonders if they'll get pregnant or a disease. They're not talking about how they feel cheap and disgusting because the guy they had sex with probably doesn't even remember their names.

Oh oh ... and let's not forget this extremely disgusting fact: When people sleep around casually, each sexual encounter isn't just with one person, it's with pretty much every person that person has had sex with and so on and so on ... UGH! THAT IS SO SO SO SO GROSS!

OK. So we've talked about 'what they're not saying ...' now let's talk about what they're not doing, OK?

These girls aren't allowing themselves to experience something meaningful with their future husbands. They're not saving anything to give to the one person they are committing their lives to. They aren't realizing they are SPECIAL enough and WORTH WAITING FOR.

And you know what? You are! When you experience the kiss you'll know you're ready and you're mature enough to handle it. You'll know what you want in a guy and you'll be able to choose accordingly.

See, these girls deep down, know what they're doing is inappropriate and wrong. But when they talk about it and are able to share their experiences collectively, they're validating their behavior to themselves ... thinking that it's OK because others are doing it, too.

Don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. Not to be cliché, but you are a RARE jewel and the guy who finds you is so so so lucky. You are worth it. You are worth waiting for. And you're 'lack' of their type of experience is not a slight against you. And that's how you should portray it if you decide to tell them.

You're a great example. And you know what? I'm proud to know you!

Moving On Is Easier Said than Done

Dear Dee:
I'm the same girl who wrote the "He's Not Ready for a Relationship" post.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your advice! It really helped me out... Well, me and this guy are still friends, but it just doesn't seem like it was before. We'd say smile and say hi to each other all the time, but I don't know! It's just weird...considering the fact that he said he still likes me. It's been so many weeks now, and I THINK I'm getting over him...Its taking time though because everything seems to remind me of him... Yeah, you're right about the whole "he should have told you he wasn't ready in the beginning" thing because he totally led me on!

When we started talking, he made it seem like he was going to ask me out or something, but now that he's broken the news to me, it had me thinking that I did or said something that made him change his mind.

I know I should be moving on and getting over him, but it's really difficult because I loved him a lot ... I still do ... and I don't think my feelings have faded away just yet.

Listen, don't over-analyze this situation. It won't change it. All it will do is make you feel bad and doubt yourself. And you don't need that! Try really hard to think of other things when your mind starts wondering to the 'what ifs' and 'what happened' questions. What happened is, this guy is a weenie and it took him breaking your heart to find it out. And while that really sucks, it happens sometimes.

Just pick yourself up and realize that it's this guy's loss. And while it is hard to get over someone, you will ... and you will find someone else. If you need to stay away from him for awhile in order to heal, do it. And don't apologize for it! You've got to do what you have to do to help yourself move on. You are worth far better than him and you have a ton to offer a great guy ... don't lose heart.

First Boyfriend Brings True Drama to Life

Dear Dee:
I first want to say I love your site, and you give awesome advice. I hope you can help me with this, even though no one else has been able to.

A couple months ago, I got my first boyfriend. At first, he was everything. He was handsome, sweet, nice, and smart. Then, after about a month, I realized there was nothing attractive about him and he was a big jerk. After another month of doubting and sudden realizations of "I still like him." and "HE ANNOYS ME SO MUCH!" I finally decided to break up with him.

The final straw was when, in advisory, we were making these paper snowflakes as decorations, and he made one and gave it to one of my best friends, then called me a loner and dumb. Then, after a day full of drama that made me cry for the first time in school, after he told one of my friends he didn't care if I went out with him or not, and it didn't matter to him that I was breaking up with him, it was over.

He sent me an email asking what he did and that he wasn't mad at me. I sent him back an email telling him EXACTLY what he did wrong and how he was treating me badly (He also made fun of me and didn't want people to know that we were going out. I wouldn't say something like this unless it was really true, but he is a loser, and my popularity level at my school for a "sevie" is pretty high, so he probably would have gotten more friends if he had told people.) and he sent back an email pretty much saying I was overreacting, stupid, pathetic, and a b****.

I take a lot of offense at being called that, and I was really upset, since he had helped me get through being called stuff like that every other day by a horrible kid who everyone hates, and told me I wasn't that sort of thing(I guess he was lying).

Then he sent me an email BEGGING me to forgive him, and when I told him I needed space, he sent me an email the next day saying "hey are we friends yet?" That made me even more angry with him, and then about two weeks later, he sent me a fwd letter from when we were going out (It was... pretty romantic. I'm ashamed of it, because my parents would never have approved of how close me and him were, and I know that I was wrong, and I won't do it again) and after that saying "I was just wondering whatever happened to these days, and whether you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me so we could be friends, or maybe BFFs?"

That made me so mad, I don't want anything to do with him now. I wanted to send an email back to him saying "we broke up, idiot, remember? that's what happened. And you know what, I never want to see your ugly face again just because of this." I didn't, though, I just blocked him, permanently deleted the letter, and asked my friends for advice.

So now after my LONG story... (Sorry about that, wouldn't have made sense if I hadn't explained) Every day he's staring at me, and it creeps me out a lot. I ask my friend what to do, and she says "You should walk up to him and tell him to stop staring at you or I'll beat him up" and stuff like that, and that's not helping.

Also, I don't want to be his friend at all, but most of my friends except for the ones I became really good friends with while they helped me through the whole thing, and I'm getting kind of tired of hearing them talk about him, or having to walk by him to talk to my friends. So what should I do, because he's scaring me, and my friends keep talking about him and to him, telling me stories of stuff that happened, and when I say things like "Good for you." or "I don't really want to hear about him.

I'm still really angry" they completely ignore me and keep talking. It's getting on my nerves, because I really cared about him for a while, and I though he cared about me too, but he was pretending, and he really hurt me. I have lots of friends on my side, against my ex, but they aren't actually all that much help. I'm sorry if I confused you, because reading this, I'd be pretty confused. Thank you so much, and I really hope you can help me.

Wow. That's a lot of drama for a first boyfriend relationship! But it kinda just goes to show you this guy didn't know the first thing about being a boyfriend ... and hey, maybe you could've handled it differently, too.

But let's just deal with what's happening now and his creepy behavior ... While I don't think you should tell him you're gonna 'beat him up,' you most definitely have to let him know you're not interested in being friends or even acquaintances right now. Tell him you don't appreciate being bashed, lied to and then disregarded so easily. And him trying to manipulate you with the few good times you did have in your relationship is immature and disgusting!

Hey, you might even have to get a little mean by just ignoring him. Don't encourage him by answering his emails. Just delete them. When he talks to you, just ignore him. It's harsh, but it has to be done. His behavior is becoming pesky ... and it must be stopped. Don't lead him on.

Now listen, make sure you've thought about what you've learned during this relationship. You already said you regret a few of your emails and actions. So take note of that and make sure to act more appropriately next time. It's OK that you made mistakes ... but learn from them and move on. As you continue dating, you're going to figure out how to handle certain situations better -- but something you've got to decide right now are your moral boundaries. Be responsible. Be respectful of yourself and your body and do your best to do what's right.

Thanks so much for reading. PLEASE tell your friends. I would truly appreciate it.

Dated 3 Times, But Didn't Work Out

Dear Dee:
I have went out with this guy four times and it has never worked out. But we are still bff's and I can tell him anything. He is going out with one of my good friends now and I know he will NEVER like me in that way again -- even though I like him A LOT.

When I am around him I always end up acting stupid or weird. And sometimes I feel really happy when I am with him but also sometimes I feel sooo sad. I don't know what to do. I just know I can't stop thinking about him.

Hey, sometimes we just fall for the wrong guy. It's as simple as that. We try making a relationship work once, twice -- even three times, but it's just not the right time for that relationship to take off. It sucks, but it happens. That's not to say it will NEVER happen, but for right now, it doesn't seem like he's the guy for you.

So you're going to go through some painful times right now. It's gonna make you sad to see him with another girl, it's gonna hit you in the heart when he talks about other girls -- but if you're going to be his best friend, and you want to have at least that part of a relationship, you're going to have to deal with it.

I KNOW IT'S HARD! But maybe you could think about what really didn't work in your relationships. Why couldn't you guys make it happen? What went wrong and why couldn't you work it out? If you tried three times and still couldn't have a thriving relationship then something was/is consistently wrong. Keep that in mind when the feelings hit you. Try to realize that right now, you just work so much better as friends. And while you're heart may not like to hear it, right now you're mind will have to take over and bring your heart around to reason, understanding and finally acceptance.

If you need to, you might even consider stepping back for a few days from your friendship just to try to get a handle on your feelings. Maybe this will help you sort through it and figure out how to move on.

I wish you the best!

The Short and Tall Dilemma

Dear Dee:
At my school, I am a shorter, smaller girl and all my friends are taller than me.

The problem is I really like this guy who is really tall and hot, but I'm afraid he won't like me because I'm smaller. He's already my friend, but I don't know. I also sort of like another boy, but the tall guy; I like him more.

People call me short just teasing, but I don't care. I wish I was taller sometimes so I wouldn't be afraid to do stuff like that. What should I do? Please help me! I really like this guy.

It is seriously not a big deal you're not taller -- girls generally aren't towering over all the guys in their class. And you know what, most really tall guys really like shorter girls. Seriously.

I have two cases in point: I had a boyfriend who was 6'11" and I am 5'6" ... he was WAY taller than I am. Second case in point: I know a 6'7" guy who's dating a 5'2" girl ... So do not be self-conscious about your height. Spend your time getting comfortable with yourself and investing in friendships. Don't worry about trivial things like height differences ... dwelling over something you have no control over will just set you back in finding out if this guy likes you AND will make you miss out on a whole bunch of fun stuff in life.

By the way, here are just some quick fashion tips to help accentuate the body you have and make you appear taller ...

-- Opt for a monochromatic outfit.
-- Add contrast color or texture with a blazer, cardigan or overshirt.
-- Leave the blazer or cardigan unbuttoned for maximum vertical lines.
-- Any stripes on the garment should be vertical.
-- Choose scarves tied loosely with long, vertical dangling ends.
-- Avoid big belts, which can cut you in half visually.
-- Use long necklaces or pendants and avoid chokers.
-- Wear skirts that are longer than they are wide.
-- Choose shoes with at least an inch heel: the taller the better.
-- Elongate the neck with V-necks.
-- If you are petite (5'3" or under) make sure you scale everything down : smaller prints, pockets, etc. so they don't overpower your figure.
-- Don't make the mistake of going for all long pieces. Go for contrasting proportions. Mix a longer jacket with a shorter skirt, shorter jacket with pants, etc.

Tips taken from "How To Look Taller and Slimmer"
By Cynthia Nellis, About.com

Secret Crush Is Also My Friend

Dear Dee:
Hey, I love this site, it's my homepage!

I've been going through a hard time in my life and this site has helped me realize that my life isn't the worst it can be. But now I have a simple teen-age problem.

I've liked this guy since the moment I meet him and we instantly became friends. A while ago, he told me he doesn't like me, jokingly. I told a few friends I like him and yesterday one approached him with: I heard you like (insert my name here). He shrugged and said, "I just don't know anymore. We're friends, but you know."

I was thrilled when I heard this, but he doesn't know I know. In the class we have together, I sit next to him, but he's not his normal friendly-flirty self for the past two weeks. He's shyer and almost afraid to talk to me, if I'm not talking to him first.

He isn't like this around any other of his friends, including girl ones.

Does this mean he has feelings for me, he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, or am I just reading into it too much? Thanks so much, cause I am completly lost (even worse than the show)!

Major props to you for making 'Dear Dee' your homepage! Thanks for that. If you could see me, you'd see this huge grin ... (and you'd see me eating a Watermelon Jolly Rancher ... my favorite.)

ANYWAY, someone else's emotions are just too hard to try to read ... so instead of guessing, you need to just find out what's up. And since he's your good friend and his behavior towards you has changed, you have an easy in for the conversation.

Ask him what's going on. Tell him you've noticed a change and you want to know if you've done anything or if there's anything you can help him out with -- because, of course, that's what friends do!

More than likely, he'll tell you nothing's wrong and he's all good ... but tell him you know him too well and you've noticed he's treating you differently. Then kinda just wait. See if he shrugs it off or says something that leads you to reveal you like him. If he doesn't, just continue to be his friend. Don't push it. See what happens. He might be a little conflicted right now and you don't want to come off as desperate or fishing for info. So, playing it cool is most definitely the way to go.

I know it's easier and less embarassing to find out info about your crush from others, but it really isn't reliable and wouldn't you much rather find out personal info from the source instead of getting it second or third hand? You don't need your friends teasing him or trying to find out things he's not ready to reveal. He doesn't need the pressure -- and it could easily turn him off. So take matters into your own hands and you'll get results. ...

When it comes to crushes, being in control is a GREAT thing ... so take charge.

Everyone Says We're GREAT Together, BUT ...

Dear Dee:
OK, first I just wanted to say I love your site! It really helps and I know you will always be there for me.

Anyways, I have this friend, he's a guy. I hang out with him all of the time.

Everyone at school says we should go out and we would make a cute couple. They say they could see us getting married when we are older. I don't really think that [although a small part of me does] and he told me he doesn't think that either.

There is a dance coming up and everyone says we should dance together at it. I know he won't want to. I really don't want to but a small part of me does. I used to like him, but now we are really good friends. I guess you could say he is my best guy friend. I don't know what I should do. Can you help?

I am so so so glad you enjoy the site. I am even more thrilled it helps you. I can't tell you what this means to me. THANK YOU! Hey, you wanna know something else that's VERY VERY special about your post? Your question and response is the 300th I've posted on the new site! WHOO HOO!!!!! (I totally wish confetti could fall down from the sky as well as some way awesome balloons when everyone reads this ... but technology hasn't come THAT far ... yet.)

Now, down to business: So ... who really cares what everyone says? You need to consider here, what YOU think.

Do you want to be a 'couple' with this guy or are you cool with the status quo? This is the question you have to answer. You say only a small part of you has thought romantically about your friend. In my mind, this isn't enough of a 'thought' to ruin a friendship. So I'd give it some more time and see if any other feelings develop. Don't rush into a relationship and ruin something great because others are pushing you into it. They see things more superficially -- on the outside -- than you do. You're in the thick of it. It's your life. It's your decision. And it's friendship at stake here. So who cares what everyone else thinks.

His Flirting a Sign He Likes Me?

Dear Dee:
There's this guy at school and I've known him for a while now. He went out with one of my friends and the other night, he kept poking me, flirting and being around me. Then when we go to leave the fundraiser, he gave me two huge hugs.

Anyway, he dated another girl, who I'm good friends with and they've split up but she still really likes him. But I think he likes me I don't know what to do.

I don't ever think it's a good idea for a girl to date a friend's ex. It just ends up causing problems ... but if you and this girl aren't the best of friends, then maybe it's worth it.

First off, you've got to figure out if this guy likes you. You can read into the flirting depending on the type. You know how he usually acts around you -- was his flirting different and maybe a little more personal than usual? And the poking ... hum. Well, while this might seem like a form of flirting to you, it actually isn't all that cool for a guy to think he actually has the right to touch you -- even if it is in a playful manner. So watch out on this. I understand it was innocent and in fun, but still ... this put up a warning flag for me. The hugs? Well, a hug is a hug. As one of my favorite movies points out, there's a hug where you kinda just bend over and hug then there's a hug that's a little more personal and close. What type was it?

Of course, if you really wanna know if he likes you, just ask him. Take a chance and see what happens! But if you do this, have replies for each scenario. And keep your cool!

Second of all, you need to weigh your friendship with the friend who still likes him and figure out if it's worth possibly losing over dating this guy. I have found out friendships last longer than most dating relationships. But only you know how important this one is to you. So make a decision based on your feelings and be ready to live with whatever happens.

Dream Says I'll Kiss Crush

Dear Dee:
I'm a 14-year-old girl who likes unusual kinds of things, like earth-bound-ghosts, magic-ology, and dreams meaning more than what they appear. I keep having this repetitive dream over and over again. It's about a mix of stuff, but the main part of my dream is about my secret crush.

My dream starts with my whole grade on our 3-day field trip(which is coming up in June.) To make a long story short, I'll skip the unimportant things and get right to the point...I'm seen on a balcony of the hotel we stay at, and my crush is in the other room next to mine(the balcony is the same for the 2 rooms)...I sit out there alone for a minute, then he comes out and starts talking to me. I don't remember what we were talking about, though...but I do remember what happened next.

After a long conversation, my crush comes out saying he really likes me and he always liked me from when we first met, and stuff like that...I won't go into any details, but I was extremely happy to hear him say that. When I asked him how much he liked me, he came closer until he was 3 inches from my face, and said "you tell me" with a smile...um, you can probably figure out what happened next.

He and I are really, really great friends now, but I think this dream could mean something more, like a deja-vu dream...

I think something might happen between the two of us like in my dream. Any advice, Dee?

Who am I to say whether or not a dream holds meaning? I don't pretend to be able to interpret them.

But I can say that the desires of our heart are usually reflected and played out in our dreams (I dream of kissing Wentworth Miller ALL THE TIME in my dreams), the same as our fears (snakes for me) sometimes come out in our dreams. So close your eyes and picture this sweet vision of yours every now and then -- but don't COUNT on it FACT.

I don't say this to discourage you, I say it to you so you won't be looking for that one thing to happen that one particular way -- then MISS OUT on something totally better! You never know. Your crush could kiss you on a balcony on a really cool school field trip. But maybe he'll reveal he likes you in a way that's 100 times better ... (or worse for that matter ... but at least he tells you).

The point is, sometimes we put all of our hopes into one certain scenario and we don't leave room or opportunity for other options and we totally miss the moment. And I don't want this to happen to you.

Enjoy your dreams. Think about them. Treasure them. But, LIVE your life and experience it. Because that's where the REAL magic happens and perfect memories are made.

Kicking a Slutty Wrap

Dear Dee:
Everybody at school thinks I'm a slut but I don't think I am one.

People just think that because a lot of guys like me. All of those people who are saying I'm a slut are spreading it all around school. So now I only have like six friends at school.

Do you have any tips to help me make them think I am not a slut?
Based on the info you've given me, I have no idea why your friends think this. And since I don't know a lot about you, I find this question really hard to answer without asking some offensive questions ... but I am going to do it. And I hope you'll just take what I say to heart if it applies ... and if it doesn't, that's even better (in this case, at least!)

One of two things is going on here: These people are just jealous of the attention you're getting from the guys who like you and they're spreading rumors. Or, they're reading something into something you're doing -- inadvertently maybe -- but it's sending off the vibe.

Could you possibly be dressing inappropriately? There is a difference between sexy and slutty. And at your age, the difference is a thin line. Anything too tight, too revealing or just too grown up looking could give the wrong impression. So look critically at your wardrobe.

Also, I am assuming since you're taking offense to what they're saying -- and a slut is a girl who sleeps around a lot -- that you're not doing that. GREAT! But make sure you don't have ex boyfriends who are spreading rumors just to get back at you for whatever reason. Ideally, it would be great to get that person to renounce their lies ... but that might be difficult.

You also said you think the kids are calling you a slut because a lot of guys like you. Well, are you dating a lot of guys? Even if you're not sleeping around, if you're kind of dating from guy to guy with no real 'break' in between, you're sending the wrong message. Slow down a little bit.

Are you overly flirty and HOW are you flirting? Are you inappropriate or maybe overly touchy? How do you act around guys?

Look, I've thrown out some hard hitting stuff here -- and some reasons why people might be thinking the way they're thinking. The bottom line is, some of this might apply and maybe none of it does. I just ask you to look at what you've got going on and see if there's actual adjustments you should make in your behavior. Because if there's reason behind the reputation, of course, you want to change it.

But maybe you're fine. And the only thing you've done to deserve this slanderous gossip is simply be a beautiful girl who guys happen to gravitate towards. And for that, I'm sorry. The jealous, petty girls spreading the rumors are shameful and very, very sad. And any of your friends who've deserted you because of this are just as pitiful as those spreading rumors.

All you can do is keep your head up and don't let them get to you. Be confident and walk tall and proud. Take solice in the fact their bitterness will make them get disgusting frown lines and wrinkles at an early age and their gossip will return to them one day, like 100 times worse ... because seriously, karma is a total B---- (I can't say it because my mom reads my site ... and a girl's never too old to get yelled at by her momma).

13-Year-Old Chooses to Abstain! YAY

Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and I have a boyfriend who I really love and he loves me, too.

I keep hearing about girls my age getting pressured to have sex. Well, I hate when I sometimes get these feelings that I do want to have sex but then I think about it (do I really want to mess this up now at 13) I'm in 8th grade and we had some classes on abstinence and I am going to stay with my decision not to have sex until marriage but I still get the feeling I want to have sex. What should I do?

The choice to abstain from sex until marriage is absolutely the right choice.

It is what the Bible preaches/teaches and I truly believe a person who marries still a virgin will be blessed during their marriage for obeying and overcoming the temptations. Because we all know, sex is EVERYWHERE!

Just as with everything in life worth waiting for, we are tempted to do things before it's the right time OR before we're ready. Just because you're 13 doesn't mean you're not tempted to have sex. It doesn't mean you won't be pressured to have sex. And just because you've chosen to abstain, doesn't mean you won't want to have sex.

All of this just means you have to overcome those temptations. This is difficult! But it is doable. What you have to realize is what a wonderful, priceless promise you are making to your future husband. You are ensuring you will not suffer through the emotional turmoil of dealing with wondering if you have an STD or if you are pregnancy. You won't have to deal with people whispering about you or thinking your a slut. You also won't have to worry about what the guy will think of you afterwards or the emotional roller coaster a girl rides on after experiencing a break up in a relationship that involved sex.

You have made a decision that will be tested, mocked and maybe will even jeopardize a few of your dating relationships. BUT it will be worth it because you are letting yourself grow up properly and you are doing things right.

Please stay true to your decision. And when you feel the pressure within yourself or by your boyfriend to go further than you're willing to go, take a step back and remember why you're doing this: Because it's right. Because you don't want to grow up too fast and because you want to share it with the love of your life.

It may be old fashioned, but it's still the best decision ever. I am so proud of you.

Broken Up But I Still Want to Kiss Him

Dear Dee:
I'm 16 and am having trouble with my ex. We went out for a month and a week. I liked him a lot but realized he is rather immature and does silly things. He nearly got himself and his best friend kicked out of college.

I decided it was the best thing for us to break up. We broke up a couple of weeks ago and now we're really good friends. The problem is, we kissed last week and have kissed a few times since. But I still don't want to go out with him again. I do still have some feelings for him but not as much and really don't think I want to go back.

Plus I feel I want to meet different people and not have to be in a committed relationship. I want to enjoy being single for a while. I still want to kiss him again though. It's strange and I don't know what to do. Please help!

You're acting totally inappropriate and selfish here. If you don't want to date him, then you have no business kissing him and leading him on! I mean, unless you want to be known as the kind of person who 'macks on anyone casually. It's just not cool ... seriously!

It's fine for you to be friends with him if you can take the physical out of it, but if you can't, then you need to stay away from him for awhile. Right now, you're messing around with him emotionally and physically and this is NOT what nice girls do.

You need to have respect enough for yourself to not just fool around when you already know you're not interested in pursuing a relationship. While it might be the norm in college to casually kiss around, sleep around and mess around with whomever you want, that doesn't make it the right. And while you might be saying to yourself 'it's just a kiss' ... I say to you, 'It's just the start.'

you specifically point out that you don't like his actions and how he doesn't seem to be responsible and mature. What you're doing, shows relationship immaturity and irresponsibility.

If you're broken up, you're broken up. Stop messing around.

Getting Over a Crush

Dear Dee:
I think you give great advice. Thank you so much for doing so. I was wondering if you could help me...

I'm having trouble getting over someone. Last year, I had a HUGE crush on a guy. He's cute, plays the guitar, he has good manners, and he can be sweet. He seems so perfect, but I've heard from many people he's cheated on some of his previous girlfriends, which is one of the reasons why I want to get over him.

Another reason is I'm really embarrassed. I made a complete fool of myself when I was around him. I know he didn't like me, because one of my friends told him my secret, and he said he just didn't like me like that. I was heartbroken, and I kept having mixed emotions. I can't even explain how I felt. So, one day, I went to the school counseling office to talk, because my friends were of no help at all. She suggested she set up a meeting between me, my crush, and herself. It was totally awkward. I barely said anything, because the counselor basically said it all for me.

I don't remember it that well, but I do remember my crush seemed annoyed with me when I tried to be his friend which resulted in him avoiding me throughout the year and the summer.

This year, I've been stand-offish, but we're kinda talking now. He doesn't seem like he has a problem with me. I thought I had gotten over him but, I think I may be starting to get feelings for him again, and I really don't want to.

I'm not allowed to date, and I don't really want to. I've been trying extremely hard not to get too caught up in relationships. My sister tells me life is all about choices, and I can simply choose not to like him, but that method doesn't seem to work for me.

I never want to feel really embarrassed and ashamed like I did before. I'm so stressed out by all this and I don't know what to do. I don't want to do that whole "talking to him" thing again.

I keep telling myself there's someone better out there for me. Do you have any other tips on getting over a guy?

I can't even imagine how you felt when your counselor took it upon herself to intervene in a crush ... I seriously find that ... bizarre. Doesn't seem like that's the kind of thing a school counselor should do! But I am not trained in that area, so I don't know for sure ...

ANYWAY, you've got to stop letting that scene haunt you and try to move past it. Your sister is right: Life IS about choices. It's about making smart, solid choices. BUT, unfortunately, you can't choose sometimes you who love.

What you can do, is recognize that you do actually dig this guy, BUT that right now, he's not the right guy for you and it's not the right time to get into a relationship with him. Who knows what'll happen in the future, but right now isn't the time.

Keeping your distance is wise. It allows you to not only heal, but it helps both of you get over the awkwardness of last year's experience. He needs to stop thinking of you as the girl who has the crush on him and start looking at you differently. See, you already said you felt he was annoyed with you last year -- and that's because the whole counselor incident probably made you appear a little desperate to him. By keeping your distance and having the occasional conversation you'll reverse that.

There are no absolute tricks to getting over a guy you're crushing on, but keeping busy and diving into something you really love always helps! Pick up a few of your hobbies again. Hang out with your friends. And when they ask you about him, shrug it off and move on to another topic. Do all you can to just think of something else.

It will just take time. And if you're meant to date a little later this year or next or whenever, you'll know it and you'll be stronger. You'll also know how to play it a little better.

Hey, don't sweat it and stop being embarrassed. He's just a guy and rest assured he's done tons of embarrassing things, too.

Two-Year Age Difference a Problem?

Dear Dee:
I like this guy who may be a bit older then me but both of us like one other!
What should I do if we are 2 years apart?

Two years really isn't that big of a deal in the general scheme of age differences, but remember that if we're talking 16 & 18, this guy is legally an adult -- and it's illegal for him to date a minor.

Also, keep in mind that in relationships where age is a factor, expectations can also be different based on maturity and what a person is looking for in a relationship. For instance a person who's 17 or 18 might be ready for something a little more serious than some one's who 15 or 16.

It is just important to use discretion when dating someone who's older when you're a teen. Later in life, it's seriously no biggie and if you date an older guy or a younger guy, it's your business. But at this time in your life, it is important to be a little more careful.

Make sure your relationship expectations are about the same. Also, you two might have different ideas of where this relationship can go. For instance, if he's 17, he's thinking of college. And you, at 15 are just trying to get through sophomore year and get asked to homecoming.

Also, as a more experienced guy, he might expect more physically than what you are ready to -- or should even think of giving right now. (Not that it's OK for him, either ... but ...)

So just be smart. It's so easy to fall for the older guy -- for some reason they're cuter than guys your age and they drive and ugh ... they totally know how to kiss ... but they're also moving in a different direction than what you are ... college, jobs, futures, etc ... So is it really the smartest thing to do? Well, that's the hard part ... right?

But if you really, really think about it, you can come to the right conclusion. ... I know you can.