Staying Friends Might Be Too Painful

Dear Dee:
I just finished my first semester of grad school.
Over the course of the semester I became good friends with a guy who was in all of my classes and who is a few years younger than me. We studied together at the library almost every day, sometimes with our numerous mutual friends and sometimes just the two of us.

We have great conversations about our lives and share a love of learning, knowledge, & movies. At first it was totally platonic. But as I got to know him better I started to develop feelings for him and I thought the same thing was happening on his end.

After a few months of flirting, smiling, and enjoying each other's company, and waiting for him to make a move, I finally caved and asked him if he wanted to watch a movie after a late night of studying. After getting a brushed off response, I prodded a little further. He told me he really wasn't looking for a relationship with a classmate. It's not that he didn't enjoy spending time with me, but that he couldn't handle the stress and consequences of what would happen if it didn't work out. He said maybe if we met in another time or another place, it might work out.

I expressed some disappointment but ultimately told him that was okay and I didn't want this to jeopardize our friendship. Things between us were a little bit awkward for the next week or so, but got back to normal right before winter break. I think that we are really compatible and are totally comfortable around each other and our shared interests and strong friendship would make a great foundation for a meaningful relationship.

I am definitely not waiting around for him. But, I guess my questions is, now that school is starting again, should I completely move on and forget about it or keep being his friend, even though its a little bit painful, and hope that someday he'll change his mind?

If it is painful for you to be around this guy as just friends, then you should definitely pull away for awhile. It doesn't have to be forever, but maybe just until you can move past the rejection and see things a little more clearly.

You did a good thing by finally putting the 'relationship' thing out there. Now you know where you stand and you can do something about it vs. never knowing and constantly wondering. You can move on now, knowing you made the move, but he wasn't willing to give it a shot. You were brave and it is a very, very good thing! Nothing's worse than a 'what if' 10 years down the road. So be proud of yourself for finding out where things were and where they could go.

Your time away from him will be good for both of you. Maybe he'll have a change of heart when you're not around anymore or better yet, maybe you will and you'll realize he wasn't as important to you as you thought he was. Give it time. Concentrate on what matters right now -- your school work, your future and your friends. It'll all fall into place and you'll be better off for it.

Good luck with everything!