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Right Now's Better Than Right Time

Dear Dee:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. I love him but I just don't want to be with him anymore.

We are both 20 and he is very immature. We lived together for about a year and he just thinks I should do housewife stuff. The problem is, I was working and going to college and then he got fired so I got another job and he still thought I should do housewife things.

I am not married nor has he put a ring on my finger. Our relationship is getting to the point of where we act like an old married couple. I even have to ask for sex! Also, my health has been very poor while living with him and now that we don't live together, I have more energy. I feel really healthy and everything. I know I need to break it off but I want to do it in person.

He will not quit bothering me through text messages or calling me or emailing me. I feel like its going to slip out before I can see him. I don't know how to handle this can you help?


You aren't doing him any favors by not telling him your true feelings now. While it's understandable you'd rather break up with him in person, stringing him along is not the way to go here. In fact, it's not fair to him at all.

I could write a book on what I see wrong with what you wrote in your first few paragraphs, but you've saved me the keystrokes by saying yourself that you want out. So just get out! You're not asking whether or not you SHOULD get out -- whether or not you SHOULD talk to him about it. You're flat out saying you know you need to break it off -- you know he's not the right guy -- and now, you just need help getting out.

So just do it. Don't wait. Call him up and tell him the relationship isn't working for you anymore. Waiting to see him in person at this point, when the thought of him texting you or calling you is repulsive, is not right and cowardly. He doesn't know you guys are on the outs ... so he doesn't think of it as 'bothering you.' He thinks he's communicating with his girlfriend! CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.

Take this opportunity to make a new start of it. Learn from your experience in this relationship and don't make the same mistakes again. Find someone who has the same ambitions as you and will support YOU -- not just let you support him.

I Love Him, But He's .... Lazy

Dear Dee:
I have been in a committed relationship for several months now. He and I moved in together several months back and now he's proposed.

I know I love him with all my heart. But I have this nagging feeling about the fact that, while we've been together, he's lost two jobs and I pay the majority of the bills. I know he is out actively looking for work, but I wonder once he gets a job, how long it will last. I have even caught myself resenting the fact I have to pay most of the bills and I am taking care of him instead of us taking care of each other. Call me old fashioned, but I am worried he might be lazy!

I have dreams and I have ambitions. If I have to support us both, I just don't know if I can actually achieve what I want to in my life -- and I don't know if I can be happy with someone who can't hold down a job and pull his weight.

Am I horrible? I do love him. I know that. But I don't know if this is the start of a pattern. Can you help?

You are not a horrible person for having these thoughts. In fact, you're being extremely responsible to think through this now -- before you are married. And, I am not sure you're going to like what I have to say about this ... but you asked and I'm gonna say it ...

This definitely is a pattern. While the jury is still out on whether your guy is destined to always be lazy, the verdict is most definitely in on the fact he's perfectly comfortable letting you pay the bills, foot the responsibility of the household AND bear the burden of making sure you have food, water and all the other essentials.

My advice to you would be not to marry this guy until you are sure he is dedicated to keeping a job and contributing to the success of your marriage financially. As you probably know, most divorces are caused by finances -- and a lazy-ass boyfriend before marriage will most definitely become a lazy-ass husband. Maybe the answer is to tell him he must keep a job for several months before you get married. Or, that he must work, pull his weight, and put aside savings to support a few month's worth of expenses should he lose his job after marriage.

Look, I don't doubt you love him. I don't even doubt that all this aside, he makes you happy. But this isn't a silly habit you can overlook. This is your livelihood and well being. Caring about how you are going to pay rent/utilities and eat does not make you a selfish or shallow person. It makes you a realist. Wonder if a kid comes into the picture later on? It will only get worse.

Your guy needs to prove to you he can be a provider, a partner and a helpmate. That's the simple truth. He also needs to show you he can support your pursuits and passions -- just as you've supported his lack of work for the last several months. He needs to show you he can take care of you and whomever else comes along. It's not old fashioned. It's not shallow. It's how marriage works.

Think long and hard about your next move. You shouldn't go into marriage with a strike against you -- and if you married him now, that's what you'd be doing. Your goals, your ambitions, etc -- they're all important -- and you two, as a couple -- as partners have to agree to what you're working towards. If only one is working, then um ... you're not going to get very far and your burdens will only get heavier and heavier -- especially if all he does is sit on his fat ass on the couch every single day eating potato chips.

OK. So that last line was uncalled for -- but I couldn't help it. Good luck to you and please let me know what you decide. I'm here if you need me!

We've Had Sex, Now What?

Dear Dee:
There is a guy I have been consistently dating for about 2 months. We have seen each other at least 1-2 times a week.

We have taken things pretty slow. About a week ago, he seemingly was growing closer emotionally to me, as he was expressing it in the way he spoke/texted me. So this last weekend, we did have sex.

He texted me the later the following afternoon saying he had a good time, etc. He texted me later on that evening to see what I was doing and we communicated a bit more. The next day I heard nothing from him all day, which made for the first day of not hearing from him at all.

This morning, he emailed me at work saying good morning and have a good day, and offered to tell me that he was feeling ill the day before (as to let me know why he didn't call me). Should I be concerned? Is he showing premature signs of distancing himself?

You've brought sex into the equation. Now you're attached in a way that makes you grasp at straws -- and makes you a little desperate (sorry, it's how us women are made!). I can't think of any other way to put it. This is how most women feel when they have sex with someone outside of a 'committed' relationship!

And in order to justify the fact we jumped in the sack, we sometimes start feeling a little needy and overly sensitive to a guy's perfectly normal actions. To put it bluntly, once you give it up, what's left of the 'mystery' and the 'sexual tension'? ... Now it's all about sustainability and whether or not there were real feelings in the relationship in the first place.

... So back off a little. Don't smother this guy. If you want to be with him and see where your relationship could go, you need to step back, breathe and play it right or you will run him off.

He could very well be having some issues, too -- especially if this is the first relationship either of you have been in in awhile. Don't let your insecure sensitivities get the best of you! Take it easy and use this time to evaluate what you want and what you want to happen next.

Turn the tables on him! And instead of being the one with fingers ready to text, let him wait it out and YOU play it coy and cool. There is no rule that says after sex, the guy has all the power ... in fact, shouldn't it be the opposite?? (ha)

Remember, you're not desperate. If he does bump up the conversations again and starts calling, then great. But if he doesn't, use this experience as a learning opportunity. And take some time off from the dating scene to really think about who you are and what you represent.

I don't know you're experience or your story is, but I do know life change is difficult. And it's in these times, if we truly seize the opportunity, we can redefine who we are -- for better or worse.

Great At Everything, But Not Crushes ...

Dear Dee:
I'm in 7th grade and get straight A+s. I have never failed a test or quiz and I have played the piano for 8 years.

Anyway, I have never had a boyfriend or anything like that. In previous grades I've had minor crushes but nothing as big as this. I have this HUGE crush on a boy in my grade. We laugh together and have fun, but I can't tell if he likes me. He's dropped hints like smiling at me and talking to me frequently but I don't know how he feels.

Recently I helped him pick out his mom's Christmas present and I got butterflies! :) If he likes me I want to know but I don't want to ask him and feel STUPID if he says no. Please help me Dee!

Liking a guy and the way it makes you feel isn't something you can study for or ever prepare for. And your first MAJOR crush (as you put it) is magnified 100 times by the fact you are so successful at everything else in your life. Don't worry that it's thrown you for a loop. (Seriously, if these feelings were predictable and easily explained it really wouldn't be much fun ...)

So, play it cool. . While you could definitely read into the gift thing and the smaller hints, it's better to know for sure rather than guess. And hey, you're in control of your grades, your musical talents and all the rest, so why not this? Just ask him. Find out what's up. And if it turns out he's not into you, at least you'll know.

I suspect you have a pretty good gauge anyway. Instincts are usually correct about such things. So pay attention. Don't stalk him or anything, but be alert and aware of what's going on between you two. And when the time is right, just ask him to the movies or out for a Coke or something. If you already hang out, this isn't such a long shot. Then, while you're out try to gauge the interest level.

If you're not game for that plan, then you're just going to have to wait on him (which sucks) and see what happens. And we all know ... that could take FOREVER ...

Bisexual Friend MIGHT Be Putting On Moves ...

Dear Dee:
I'm usually the type of girl who doesn't fall for the guy.
My friends even came up with a nickname for me; black widow! Now, I don't understand these emotions of mine!

I met a guy through some friends. He's bisexual and acts very flamboyant! He's dating a guy now, but every time I'm around him I feel like his body language says a lot to me. We started out as GREAT friends. But this past weekend he was such a good friend, cuddle buddy and I couldn't help but notice how cute he is! I see him checking me out, making little hints, but I don't know what to think of it.

Is it some kind of reverse psychology on me (wanting a guy who might not want me back)? OR because of his sexual orientation, is he just wanting to befriend a girl? I have to say I don't understand bisexuality and don't get him at all either. I continually think of him and I don't want to go further or think it's a possibility.

Should I just slowly end the friendship so these feelings go away? Thanks for reading. You're the best!

Listen, if you are not comfortable with the way you are feeling or the way this guy acts towards you, then most definitely you need to get out of the friendship.

You have instincts for a reason. If you are feeling weird about his comments to you or don't like his flamboyancy, then you need to guard yourself and keep your emotions safe.

No one ever understands emotions. In fact, if we did they wouldn't be emotions -- quite often there is no rhyme or reason for how we feel. But you should always trust your instincts and your gut. It sounds like you're uncomfortable with your friend's cavalier dating behavior and might find his treatment of you a little inappropriate -- especially since he's dating someone else. If this is indeed how you feel and you want to keep him as your friend, then talk to him.

But if your instincts are telling you he's not the kind of person you should be friends with -- even though you have a great time AND think he's easy on the eyes -- don't ignore that. DON'T EVER IGNORE YOUR GUT INSTINCTS.

We meet great people all the time -- but that doesn't mean we can strike up relationships with every single one of them. Sometimes, even though we meet someone we really gel or click with, they just aren't good for us emotionally. I think this is where this guy might fall. My gut tells me you need to get out of it. Pull yourself together, then see where you stand.

BTW, thanks for the compliment! I'm having a horrible day and it made me smile!

He Tickles Everyone But Me ... Reason?

I am studying in a private Catholic school and there's a guy who I have never really liked. Maybe because he is too difficult to be with (and the fact I'm a pious and devoted Christian.. and he isn't. He pisses me off whenever he mimics my actions. I really want to deal and fight with him and his egotistic ways, but I can't gather enough strength for I have to stand up for my principles in life and that is ---to never give way to cruelty.

And, of course. I can't hide the fact that being a teenager you can't escape the beauty and madness of what they so call CRUSHES/INFATUATIONS -- because I believe you can't find true love in this age -- I have a crush with a guy in our school.

He was my co-partner for we work together in publishing the school's newspaper. He's just oh so cute and admirable. Though sometimes he can be annoying, he easily makes jokes that somehow make me feel happy after a day of bad experiences. He quite knows that he like me, for many of our friends tease me whenever he's around. But, she has a best friend, who was also in love with him.

And the chances of having him decreases. And he acts so weird whenever I'm around, we do things and have fun together. He tickles all the girls in our batch, but he never tickled me. And my classmates say its because he respects me.


I have absolutely no idea what you are asking me ... there doesn't seem to be a question in your diatribe ...
But I do challenge your statement you can't find love/infatuations at your age. Although it's not likely ... it does happen. I actually know people who are married and still together, who met in elementary school! It happens so don't play know-it-all ... I'm reading a lot of that in your email.

Anyway, I'll guess at your question ... maybe you want to know if the reason this guy doesn't tickle you -- even though he does every other girl in your 'batch' is because he respects you? Well, it could of course be that -- although I find it extremely inappropriate at 14, that a guy is walking around 'tickling' girls.

Actually, it's kind of disgusting. A guy who totally thinks it's OK to just walk up to girls at school and touch them through tickles (on the side? stomach? Do I even wanna know?) doesn't seem like someone who would respect any girl or their personal space. Eww. So maybe you should rethink your crush ... this guy doesn't sound like he actually understands boundaries and gentlemanly conduct.

We're Back Together, But Not 'Everywhere'

Dear Dee:
So I have dated this guy for over a over year now. I started to crush on another guy and so I wanted to break up and play the field. Well I found the break was bad because I really don't want to date other guys anymore.

So my bf and I got back together outside of school. It's gotten tough and I want to make it official everywhere but he refuses even though he just wants to be with me as well.

You're lucky he took you back when you decided to change your mind. That in itself shows he cares about you. But you do need to get to the bottom of why this guy doesn't want to be your official boyfriend 'everywhere.' Is he ashamed of you? Is he embarrassed that he took you back or is he lying to you about everything?

Get to the bottom of that, and more than likely this rocky relationship will smooth out.

There could be some hidden hostility about the break up he's not telling you about or maybe he doesn't want to let everyone know you're back together until he's certain of it himself (which is kind of lame, btw). Do cut him a little slack, BUT don't be content to be the girlfriend no one knows about. That'll just lead to trouble down the road.

Likes Friend's Ex, But Friend Prob Won't Mind

Dear Dee:
I like this guy a lot! I really wanna go out with him. He's funny, sweet, smart and really cute. The problem is my friend has gone out with him and I have known her almost my entire life. She didn't like him much, though. She had a crush and then didn't care for him in that way. Should I go for it?

You don't have to ask your friend for permission to date this guy, but to avoid any future problems and to show your friendship the respect it sounds like it deserves, since you've been friends forever, you might just wanna run it past her.

More than likely she won't care -- especially if she doesn't have feelings for him anymore. But in the off chance she does care, are you prepared to give this guy up or strain relations with your friend? While it doesn't sound likely, it's something you should think about.

I've often said it is an unspoken rule among friends to not date each other's ex's, but to every rule there is an exception. I am thinking this is one of those cases, if she really is over him.

Leaving & Wants to Tell Him How She Feels

Dear Dee:
This boy and I have liked each other since the 2nd grade. Now we are in the 8th grade and I wanted to tell him I like him before I leave to go to a new school. I will still see him but I don't know what to do and it hurts me. He's been talking to other girls, too and not talking to me.

He may be avoiding you and not talking to you because he is also going through some mixed feelings about your all-too-soon departure. So don't let it get you down too much.

If you've known this boy so long, you probably have a gauge as to whether or not he actually likes you in the same way. Does he act differently around you? Does he treat you just like all the other girls? What do your instincts tell you?

Now remember, you are going to another school and there will be plenty of opportunities there, to find a guy. Don't be too quick to start something up at your old school, when maintaining a relationship might be since you won't be around as much.

You're going through a major change in having to change schools so I am sure you're anxiousness and pain stems a little from that. Try really hard to relax and take things in stride. If you feel you have to talk to this boy, then determine within yourself to do it calmly and deliberately -- and be prepared for how he'll react and what he might say.

Putting yourself out there can result in great reward or in a little more pain -- but either way, at least you'll know. Good luck and I wish you all the best at your new school.

Beach Vacation Ends In Freaky Situation

Dear Dee:
Something completely weird happened. Well last summer my family and I went to North Carolina to visit some friends.

There is this guy, he is 23 and he has a girlfriend. I'm 14 and he told me he's inlove with me! I don't like him at all I mean I barely know him and I don't remember really talking to him. He also saw me in a bikini when we all went to the beach.

The point is, he is mad at me for rejecting him because I told him I don't like him. I want to make things right but I don't wanna look stupid or hurt him even more. What should I do? Should I pretend nothing happened or talk to him about it?

Ewwww. The first thing that comes to mind is this is a dangerous, disgusting situation. You should in no way shape or form talk to this guy or even respond to any type of correspondence he sends you.

No good at all can come of this situation and it is not your job at 14 years old, to spare the feelings of a 23-year-old guy who is literally preying on you. Don't take this lightly. It is scary and dangerous.

You need to tell your parents right away and you need to not answer texts, phone calls or emails from this guy.

Although you say you don't remember meeting him, how are you getting this information?? Something doesn't quite add up with what you're telling me, but the bottom line is still the same. Stay away.

And again, TELL YOUR PARENTS. This is not a situation for you to handle.

Parents Say 18, But She's Ready NOW!!

Dear Dee:
My parents say I should wait to get my first kiss when I'm 18!!! I don't know how I am going to do it without telling my parents. What should I do?

I wish you'd said how old you are. But since you haven't, I am going to speak to this generally.

Parents around the world should not read this entry -- so if you are a parent -- STOP READING RIGHT NOW (PLEASE?)?

If you are ready for your first kiss, and you're not just trying to get one to get it out of the way, I can't imagine what would stop you. I think for the most part, teens running home to their parents to tell them they've just had their first kiss only happens on the Disney Channel. Seriously. Do we really want our parents to know we're kissing? I don't think so.

So, if you want to do it and feel you're old enough (are you??) and ready then do it. That's all there is to it.

Parents often throw out these arbitrary ages like 18 or 21 just because they're not ready to admit their kid is actually growing up and is getting ready to start relationships. Now, if it's a religious point of view or a conviction of theirs, I can't help you -- only you know how this was said to you.

But if you use care, think it through and also don't act stupid about it you'll be fine and don't sweat it. ... For lack of a better way to end this post, PUCKER UP, honey.

First, 2nd & 3rd Base and We're Not Talking Baseball

Dear Dee:
So I met this guy at a summer sports camp. I fell pretty hard for him. We went out for three months- it didn't work.

About a month after we broke up, we talked it all out, realized all our problems, and I couldn't be happier. We've been going out for nearly two months now. He lives an hour and a half away. We see each other about once a month. We're going back to this camp this coming summer.

It's possible I may spend a week with his family at his beach house. From the start, he asked me how far I was comfortable with going. I'm from a rather small suburb. This playing around stuff- no one does it here. It was really surprising. People don't usually go past making out. He's had several girlfriends and done a lot of sexual stuff. Mostly like, third base.He asks me how far I want to go. I don't really know. I know I don't want to have sex. That's just about it.What's wrong with like, second and third?

There's nothing 'wrong' with first, second or third ... the question is what are you comfortable with.

My fear here is you're not making a decision based on what you actually want -- you're making a decision on what he's done before. You've mentioned he's experienced -- or at least has said he's fooled around with a lot of girls -- so he's already putting pressure on you to maybe think about things you may not be ready to think of.

It's definitely cool you are having these conversations BEFORE finding yourself in a situation you don't want to be in -- that's actually quite mature of you. Most adults don't have that talk beforehand. So, great job there.

But all that aside, what do you want? What is your conscience telling you is OK for you? What are you ready for?

Just saying you know you don't want to have sex isn't good enough. Don't get me wrong -- that's extremely important to know you want to establish that boundary -- but since this is your first relationship and a relatively new one, you want to be careful.

If I can tell you anything here, it is to go with your gut and to fully go into any relationship knowing you are worth waiting for. You don't have to give in just because this guy's gotten it other places before. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with just because you want to keep him happy. Your body is yours and you have to live with your choices.

It's great to have a boyfriend and to want to show him how you feel about him, but doing something you aren't ready to do and living with that afterwards -- regardless of whether it's going to first, second, third or home -- is something you have to deal with. You have to look yourself in the mirror after the euphoria has worn off.

There is no need to rush anything. You have time and your relationship is still new. Be sure before you do anything and if he rushes you? Well, then that's a sign, too. ... a sign this guy has totally struck out.

She Realizes She Wants Him, But It's Too Late

Dear Dee:
My ex boyfriend says he's moved on. But I still want to go back out with him.
We had been together for 1 year and 4 months. We never really had any problems with our relationship. But we both lost our jobs and we were living together for 8 months. I left him in the worst way possible.

After I left, he was hurt. He begged for me to come back for a long time. We hung out a couple times. Then recently I figured out I really wanted to try again. But he says he doesn't want me back. He says he found someone else. I know it's a rebound relationship.

So what do I do? I really love this guy. And I want him back. I want to fix our mistakes. I've spent all week begging him. I can't see him since we don't really live that close anymore. I've only been able to express my feelings over the internet.

I just really miss him. And I have a feeling he misses me too.

Please help me. I don't want to move on. What could I do to get him back? Do I even have the chance?

This guy spent time after you broke up trying to convince you to come back. You didn't. Now, all of a sudden YOU want to come back and he's not letting you. Well, good for him!

Ouch, right? Why should he roll over now that you've hurt him time and time again? First you walked out, then you refused to come back when he asked you to. Why should he take you back now that you've decided the timing is right? Why should he have sat there, while you rejected him and waited for you to get your crap together?

It royally sucks you've come to the realization you love and miss him. It is even worse that he's moved on and now that you no longer want to move on, you actually need to. But let's be positive. Maybe hope isn't lost.

Let it rest awhile. Stop begging. If you've apologized for your past mistakes, then let it go at that and give this some time. If you are sincere in your regrets and in your desire to come back and his relationship is just a rebound, then maybe he'll come to his senses.

It's great you've reconnected online. But I ask you: If you were the supposed other girl, how would you feel if a blast from the past was trying to take your man? You've made your feelings known, now respect the boundaries of a relationship and stop trying to steal another girl's guy -- just like you would expect her to respect you if the situation were reversed.

You've put a lot on this guy in recent months and you've shown him many different emotional faces. Now, show him your patience. Show him your emotional maturity and show him you're a woman who knows how to back off when it's warranted -- and I really believe it is here.

This reality sucks. And the fact you realized your feelings a little too late is harsh. But sometimes that's just how it is -- especially if there's a bigger lesson to be learned. So, I ask you ...what have you learned from this?

A Love Triangle in the Making

Dear Dee:
I live in this really really small town and have super amazing friends!

But I was at a party the other day and the guy who is like my brother told his best friend (my crush) he likes me! I haven't told my crush I like him. I know I have to tell the guy who likes me that he is like my brother and that is all he'll ever be, but I don't know how to without either hurting him or making things super awkward between us! And I kinda want to tell the guy I like, I like him but he can't date yet and honestly I can't see myself with any guy other than him!

This isn't a mess yet. And there are two ways to look at it. The first, being you received this info about your guy-friend liking you, secondhand. So you can wait for him to actually say something to you himself or you can take the second option and be proactive.

As your friend, you probably confide in him, right? Have you talked to him about your crush? Have you told him you value his friendship and think of him as a brother? Talking to him is always going to be the best way to make sure things are straight between the two of you. And you know, it probably will be awkward but if you work through it instead of backing off, you can salvage your friendship. Just stay true to your feelings and your friendship.

Now about your crush ... should you tell him? Well, that's up to you. You know him and you probably have a sense of how he'll respond. So maybe you should just go from there.

Boyfriend, Best Friend & a Whole Lot of MESS

Dear Dee:
I am 14 and have an amazing boyfriend, ,we are best friends and I really do love him.
Normally when I date a guy, I cheat and with him I don't. We have tried things but nothing felt right when we attempted to do sexual things.
My other best friend is a girl and we are so much alike. she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I think i am in love with her, too. One night we were watching a movie and we were hugging because it was scary and all of a sudden we kissed.

We both pulled away but then her lips came crashing down on mine again things were moving really quickly and before I knew it things got a little out of hand. We stopped and laughed at what had happened but it felt right and I felt the fire and passion all over my body. does this mean I am lesbian or bi or something or does that often happen with the two hottest girls in the school?

No this doesn't mean you are a lesbian or bisexual. But what it does mean is you are foolish, irresponsible and have absolutely no idea what a real relationship is! You actually don't have a problem, at 15, telling someone you always cheat on your boyfriends and that you haven't cheated on your current one -- except that you have ... with your best friend, who happens to be a girl!

Wake up and realize what you're doing to yourself, your reputation and your future. Is this what you want to be known for? Right now, this is what I see: a girl who can't seem to take a relationship seriously -- the girl who can't keep her hormones in check -- the girl who is more interested in indulging every single sexual urge at the age of 15, rather than fashioning her own character and figuring out what's real and worth while in her life -- the girl who is, at a very young age making adult decisions without even thinking of the consequences to herself, her body and her character. It is very, very sad.

Great. You're popular. And just like most popular kids, you're not realizing the responsibility that comes with being looked up to by others. You're figuring you can get away with treating people any way you want because so far, people have let you. But that's not life honey! It's not real and it will end.

Please, take a step back. Get yourself figured out and straightened out. There isn't anything wrong with being in a relationship IF you know how to handle it and respect it. And clearly, you do not. You can't even keep the lines between friendship and romantic relationships clear. You've blurred them all and are walking into some very dangerous waters.

Realize what you are worth. Realize you are more than what you wrote above. And if you don't see that for yourself, you need to do some soul searching and some get some help from an adult you trust.

They're Getting Guys, I'm Not ... Help

Dear Dee:
All of my friends seem to be getting attention from boys. It's always, 'he wants to ask me out!' Or, he said 'he really liked me!'

I'm short, but I have always been called cute and adorable by my peers ... but apparently guys dont like that? All of the high school boys seem to go after the girls wearing tons of makeup or the ones that seem fake. I just have esteem issues right now. Do I just play it cool until the right guy comes along?

Yeah. That's exactly what you do -- but it's easier said than done, right? Believe me. I totally know it.

Be yourself. Dont' change yourself to try to catch a guy -- and remember, while your peers are constantly talking about who likes whom or whatever, sometimes they're flat out lying! That's just the truth of it. All of us girls are insecure. It's like the best kept secret among females. We can walk confident, talk confident but deep down, we're all scared and insecure.

So while you're feeling it pretty deep right now, don't show it. Keep your head up. Strut your stuff, go about your business and see what happens. Don't feel threatened or inferior to those other makeup-caked girls -- make strides to show off your beauty -- like only you can. Maybe even step out of your comfort zone a little and talk to a few guys.

Bottom line is don't let these girls phase you and just be yourself. He'll come along ... or if you're really lucky, a whole bunch of em will come along!

'Words Said No' Sees Light

Dear Dee:
Hello again.
A little while back, I sent you an email asking for advice on what to do about 'My words said no and my actions said yes.'

And a little while ago, I read your response and as any teenager who gets a lecture, I was a bit offended. But as I kept on reading, what you were saying made sense, so I stopped communication.

I had thought if i broke everything with him off, I would feel free. But I still felt this yearning. Well, last week I went to a conference and gave my life to God, now I am truly free!

I just want to thank you for urging me to stop and thank you for taking the time out of your own life to help me out. God is using you in such amazing ways.


Hey thanks for taking the time to read and truly absorb what I was trying to say. I love actually knowing people are reading and pondering on whether to agree/disagree with me! I am so glad you've found the strength to do the right thing and am hoping you can keep it up! Continue to learn, grow and understand your value and worth. You won't regret it. Best of luck to you.

Staying Friends Might Be Too Painful

Dear Dee:
I just finished my first semester of grad school.
Over the course of the semester I became good friends with a guy who was in all of my classes and who is a few years younger than me. We studied together at the library almost every day, sometimes with our numerous mutual friends and sometimes just the two of us.

We have great conversations about our lives and share a love of learning, knowledge, & movies. At first it was totally platonic. But as I got to know him better I started to develop feelings for him and I thought the same thing was happening on his end.

After a few months of flirting, smiling, and enjoying each other's company, and waiting for him to make a move, I finally caved and asked him if he wanted to watch a movie after a late night of studying. After getting a brushed off response, I prodded a little further. He told me he really wasn't looking for a relationship with a classmate. It's not that he didn't enjoy spending time with me, but that he couldn't handle the stress and consequences of what would happen if it didn't work out. He said maybe if we met in another time or another place, it might work out.

I expressed some disappointment but ultimately told him that was okay and I didn't want this to jeopardize our friendship. Things between us were a little bit awkward for the next week or so, but got back to normal right before winter break. I think that we are really compatible and are totally comfortable around each other and our shared interests and strong friendship would make a great foundation for a meaningful relationship.

I am definitely not waiting around for him. But, I guess my questions is, now that school is starting again, should I completely move on and forget about it or keep being his friend, even though its a little bit painful, and hope that someday he'll change his mind?

If it is painful for you to be around this guy as just friends, then you should definitely pull away for awhile. It doesn't have to be forever, but maybe just until you can move past the rejection and see things a little more clearly.

You did a good thing by finally putting the 'relationship' thing out there. Now you know where you stand and you can do something about it vs. never knowing and constantly wondering. You can move on now, knowing you made the move, but he wasn't willing to give it a shot. You were brave and it is a very, very good thing! Nothing's worse than a 'what if' 10 years down the road. So be proud of yourself for finding out where things were and where they could go.

Your time away from him will be good for both of you. Maybe he'll have a change of heart when you're not around anymore or better yet, maybe you will and you'll realize he wasn't as important to you as you thought he was. Give it time. Concentrate on what matters right now -- your school work, your future and your friends. It'll all fall into place and you'll be better off for it.

Good luck with everything!

When Things Got Tough, He Split ...

Dear Dee:
I started seeing a guy who had never been in a serious relationship, nor had he had sex.

A month after seeing one another, we solidified our relationship, and within a week was confessing his love for me. I denied it at first because I simply thought it was mere infatuation.

He kept refusing my explanation and from how he treated me, I started to believe him. He paid attention to every detail and took care of me and acted so happy around me. All of his friends noticed what a change he had made and what a happier person he seemed to be. His friends started teasing him a bit because of how he acted around me. He just wasn't the person they were used to being around.

Anyway, he gave me no impression his feelings of excitement were dying yet he immediately went from "I really do love you and would never want to break apart" to a text message saying"I think we need a break, I am not feeling it anymore and haven't been having a lot of fun lately."

He still has refused to speak to me and although I refuse to chase him, I simply cannot understand how feelings like that can change overnight unless it is simply a matter of immaturity and selfishness. Am I correct with this assumption?

You are totally correct in your assumption. Immaturity, selfishness and just generally being an ass definitely account for the behavior this moron is displaying.

He seriously broke up with you in a text? Not only is that something fifth graders do, it shows his complete lack of class and dignity. Ugh. It also shows his 'feelings' were nothing but words he was using to take advantage of you and draw you in. I guess now you know why he'd never been in a serious relationship -- he doesn't have the staying power!

Look, this is not your fault. And while you say you're not chasing after him, it still has to hurt. Do your best to console yourself that anyone who treats you like this is not worth your time and definitely not worth your tears.

Walk away knowing that next time, you want to really wait for someone who is more mature and stable, vs. a relationship novice is runs at the first sign of trouble. Since when are relationships all about fun? That he made, in itself, is enough to show he has the relationship maturity of a grapefruit -- and you don't need that.

Don't call him. Don't return his text messages. Give him his space. And if he comes back with mountain-sized apology and you're feeling up to giving him a pardon, then do it -- but be on your guard. Most guys can't grow up overnight -- especially one who doesn't even have the guts to break up face to face. Those kind of losers more than likely will never get a clue.

My Words Said No, But My Actions Said Yes

Dear Dee:
I started working last year an I made heaps of new friends -- one in particular.

He's 18 and I just turned 15. We started of as friends and about a month in he asked me out, I made excuses so I didn't have to go out with him.

Well we've been hanging out and once again he asked me out. I made up excuses again. You see, I really like him but don't want to do out with him. I like the fact he is a hot, older guy, who drives me around. So this went on and on.

I lead him on for about a year. Then one night I suggested we go take his new car out for a spin, we ended up an hour away from home and at the beach. We had never done anything, not even kissed. So when he started to make a move on me it was confusing.

I didn't give in for a while. I started getting really cold and he suggested lets go to the car. Being as naive as I am, I hopped into the back seat and we sat there arms around each other. He started doing things and before you knew it we had sex. And now he wants it from me all the time.

I still won't go out with him. I want to be just friends. I do not love him. He says he loves me. I believe he does. But I am just not at that place with him. I don't want to have sex with him and I want him to leave me alone and stop texting me and bothering me. How can I make him leave me alone?

Sister, you made a huge mistake here -- HUGE -- and now you're paying for it. But it is not the end of the world and regardless, if you say NO -- it means no and this fool should back off.

I hope you can look at this situation and see all the things wrong with it -- but if you can't, please let me point them out as this is a huge learning opportunity.

• You used this guy because you wanted to be chauffeured around
• You deliberately played on his feelings for you by asking him to do things for you and spend time with you
• You didn't stick to your guns when it came down to business -- you let him take things too far.

Every step of the way, your words said one thing to him, but your actions -- you taking advantage of him -- showed him something else. And what do we always say? Actions speak louder than words.

When push came to shove, you had sex -- even though you said you didn't want to date him or have a relationship with him. What type of signal does that send?

You've proven that at 15, you do not have the will power or the self-respect to do what's right. You've also proven you don't necessarily know how to treat other people. Yeah, this guy is older and should be able to take care of himself, but that doesn't give you the right to play with his emotions.

Now the lecturing aside, you've made a mistake and now you're living with it -- but you've also got to DEAL with it. This means you need to really lay down the law where this guy is concerned. If you don't want to see him, DON'T. Friendship doesn't seem possible right now. So don't try to salvage it. Maybe later, but it's just not going to work out right now. Keep your distance and don't put yourself in a situation where things could escalate out of hand again. Don't answer his text messages. Do not give him any reason whatsoever to hope there's a chance with you. You've got to be very, very direct and deliberate.

Please remember, this whole situation was/is bad news. It' bad news for this guy and it's bad for you and your character. You're worth so much more than being known as the girl who jumped in the backseat with a guy she's not even romantically interested in. Figure out who you are and what you stand for. Use this mistake as a chance for you to evaluate what you want to become.

One last thing. I do worry a little bit about this guy being older than you. So, if you feel threatened or in danger in any way, please tell an adult you trust. Put your pride aside and ask for help if he doesn't leave you alone. No means no and if you don't want to see or talk to him again you shouldn't have to. So don't take any chances.

2 Guys, 1 Girl & Sleepless Nights of Guilt

Dear Dee:
There are two guys who I broke up with who don't care if I hurt them or not.

Believe it or not, they have the same ideas about fighting for someone they love. I can't stand it really. I can't sleep, I have panic attacks and mostly the worst thing is, I have severe guilt.

I didn't know what I wanted when I broke up with boy #1, and decided finding a nicer guy might be good. So I dated this new guy and his feelings were strong from the beginning. I knew that wasn't good, and didn't trust my intuition to back off and not let it get serious. But I stayed with the new guy because I found out guy #1 was doing some really stupid things.

But time went on, and I needed resolution from guy # 1, since we dated 4 years. He would leave notes on my car would try to get in touch with me all the time. One day I gave in and they both found out about each other.

Now they are both hurt and fighting for me to win me over. I feel like blowing up at both of them because its hard for me to say how I feel without fear and guilt. Do I stick it out with guy #2 and let the stress heighten? If that's what I should do, how do I tell persistant guy #1 I cant do this. Why is it so hard?

This is a mess, because you let it become a mess. You let this get out of hand and you kinda jerked these two guys around. There's no question about that.

And you've already hurt them and caused bitterness between two individuals who actually, don't seem like they're the um friendliest and most stable of guys emotionally. It really sounds like this could end very badly if you don't handle it correctly. So you need to act decisively and with authority.

Very plainly, you shouldn't be in a relationship with either of these boys, since you can't sort out your feelings or what you want. And since you can't seem to be honest with either of them or yourself.

You need to get your crud together, get back on track emotionally -- and after you've normalized for awhile, then try a relationship. You've got some growing up to do in how to deal with commitment and understanding what's right and wrong in a relationship. Furthermore, you need to figure out what YOU did wrong this time around and how you can avoid it in the future.

It won't be easy, but it's the smart thing to do: Get these two to stop fighting, tell them you can't be involved with either of them and that you need time. And take a step back. Get yourself sorted out then go from there.

Hey everyone makes relationship mistakes. I do it all the time. In fact, I spend more time apologizing than anything else -- but the trick here is to know what you've done wrong, fix it and learn from it. If you can do that after you've sorted through this mess, then great. If not, then wait until you can before getting into another relationship. You can clean this up -- it might just take a few hundred bandages and maybe a little scotch tape to do it.

He Wants Her, But Doesn't Want Relationship

Dear Dee:
I have been talking to this guy for over a year now, and in the beginning, everything was wonderful. He was so sweet, and understanding.

We loved to spend time together and he was so affectionate. Well the year has since passed and things are extremely different. I thought everything was going fine until one night my intuition said to check his phone. When I did, I found text messages from other girls in he was flirting with. It broke my heart, because he said he had feelings for me and I thought we were getting closer to a relationship.

He told me those girls were just people he flirted with because he was 'immature' and it was me he really wanted. But now he's telling me he's not ready for a relationship, and that he has feelings for me AND his ex-girlfriend. Not to mention there is another girl who just happens to claim him also though he says they are just friends.

I try to walk away, but he constantly says he and his ex will not get back together, and the other girl he is not interested in, and that he still wants me around.

But if he is still immature and not ready to be in a relationship with me, what is the point?
I'm really confused because while I have developed strong feelings for him, I know it's gonna be hard to be just friends with him, though he says in the future he wants to be in a relationship with me. And we are constantly going back in forth with each other.

Should I just be his friend and hope for the best? Or should I just leave this all behind?

I have no doubt this guy wants you around -- he wants you with him so he can jerk you around and see you dance, spin, grovel and chase him until HE wants you to stop. He wants you there so he can fool around with you when he's in the mood for it and can pull out the friendship card whenever he's not. He's playing you. He's using you and he wants you there when all these other little flings he's got going on don't pan out.

So, here's the questions you need to answer: Are you his little play thing? Do you deserve something better? And, lastly are you WORTH being treated better than this?

The answers to these questions should be: NO. YES and YES.

DO NOT sell yourself short. Don't pretend his treatment of you is OK, because it's not. It's typical jerk behavior from a guy who's not only a jackass, but one who doesn't know how to treat a woman right -- therefore, he doesn't deserve ANY girl.

Be confident. Be deliberate and most of all, know beyond on a shadow of a doubt this is behavior you don't need, don't deserve and most definitely don't have to put up with. I know it will be painful since you have feelings for him, but you've got to nip this in the bud and kick this I-Can't-Write-This-Word-In-My-Blog guy to the proverbial curb. And, if you're really pissed, feel free to call up all the others he's playing and let them in on the secret.

You're worth having. And you're worth a committing to a real relationship with. Don't you ever, ever doubt it.