Viscious Circle: This Kid Cheated On That Kid

Dear Dee:
I am in 7th grade. I am in love with this kid. We went out for a year, but he cheated on and we broke up. A week later we went out again. But then he cheated again.

So then I went out with this other kid. Then the other kid kissed me and the new guy flipped out. Now, they both want to date me. PLEASE HELP ME!

Well, I'm not into being your personal assistant in order to keep your boys or dates straight, so let me give you some more ... practical advice that'll make you a little more happy and keep me from having to take dictation ...

Stay away from the boy who can't seem to STOP stepping out on you ... You've given him a few chances. He's a jerk -- albeit a young one and might grow out of it -- but still a jerk.

Remember how it feels when he stepped out on you DON'T step out on your new boyfriend (which is what you did when you let the former guy kiss you when you were dating the new guy).

Refrain from dating anyone until you can call yourself -- and those you're dating -- something other than 'kid.' ... Kids don't date.

(P.S. Sorry this is a little blunt and kinda cynical. I think I've been watching way too much 'House' ... Just finished season 2 last night ...)

He's Just Offering Friendship ... For Now

Dear Dee:
I am not the kind of girl who has relationship trouble. I'm 19, I've kissed one guy, and he's the reason I'm writing you.

We knew each other vaguely, I met him in a class, he helped me out a couple of times when I really needed someone to be there and he was just very unexpectedly there with all the right words.

We started e-mailing kind of unexpectedly over Spring Break and talked a lot, about everything and more. I mean, three long e-mails a day. Then we hung out and kissed and went a little further and I said up front that I wasn't in it for a friends-with-benefits; that's not what I'm looking to get myself into.

We talked about it and he said he needed to think (all the talking happened before the going a little further bit; I don't want you to think badly of him). He did think and told me after a week or so that he wasn't at a place right now where he thought he could handle a relationship and I said that was fine and that I still wanted to be friends.

Our conversations tapered off as finals began and only recently (about a month later) did I finally respond to his last e-mail. We've made plans to hang out when I get back into town, and if nothing else, I want him in my life because he's a really good guy, a lot of fun, and someone I love to talk to.

I had thought I was over him, but I'm not. And I can honestly say this is unfamiliar territory for me. I'm not looking to just wait around for him and I understand pressing isn't going to make him into someone who is ready for a relationship right now. I guess I just wanted to know if it's okay for me to start building a friendship with someone who I'm still trying to get over. I just don't think I'll ever be over him entirely, and if I want to be his friend, I figure now is as good a time as ever. To be truthful, I don't really know what I want from you. An objective opinion, perhaps.

What you want from me is a green light to go ahead and get with this guy -- regardless of the fact he's already told you he's not relationship-ready. And I also think you want me to tell you that it won't hurt if you do remain friends with him.

The problem is, it will hurt. And I am betting you already know, if you want to keep your heart safe, you can't be around this guy until you're a little bit stronger. You need that. The fact you wrote me is testament you're just not strong enough to just be his friend.

I don't know what kind of guy he is. I only know what you tell me. And you're saying, last time you were together, AFTER you guys talked you took your make out scene a little farther. AFTER you talked ... so he already knew you were vulnerable and you already knew he wasn't into a relationship. See, he has the upper hand right now in this 'not a friends with benefits' relationship. He knows you have feelings. And he knows you are 'waiting' and willing to be his friend until HE has feelings ...

It may seem callous to talk about a relationship this way, but unless you can really really trust this guy to not take advantage of your vulnerable position, you need to keep your distance until you are composed enough to guard yourself. It would also be great if you could turn the tables on him and either get on equal footing or regain a little edge in the relationship.

Just be careful. And really think about what I've said ... please. I don't want your next email to me to be one explaining how you let a situation go too far or that you're picking up the pieces of a broken heart. Some people, whom we fall for, just can't ever really be our friends ... it's just too painful.

Friend's Death Leaves Girl Scared & Unsure

Dear Dee:
First off, let me tell you how much I love your site! A friend of mine recently died in a car crash and his mother is still in critical condition and may not make it. I feel horrible and don't know how to react. He was a great person and was friendly with everyone. I just can't believe he's gone. I don't know how to handle it. And there is also the fact that I am now afraid to drive. Some advice would be great.

OK. I just want to say .... that you DON'T have to give me a compliment in order for me to respond to your questions .... you just don't ... but I must admit to LOVING IT. Thank you. Makes me feel good ...(and we all need that.)

I am so sorry about your friend and am sorry his momma. I sure can't explain why horrible things like this happen -- why mothers outlive their sons -- and why young friends have to be torn apart before the living really starts.

But I do know it doesn't do any good at all to dwell on it. You have to mourn, that's for sure. But you have to realize that life is precious, and not being able to 'deal' with it prohibits you from doing what you need to to be a useful, purposeful and amazing person.

For you to deal with the loss of your friend, you have to mourn and say goodbye. I don't know what he meant to you or what your memories of him are, but take the time to do something special to remember him by. If you always hung out at the ice cream shop at the mall, then go there, sit and journal a little and think of him and say your goodbye.

Saying goodbye doesn't mean you'll forget him. It just means you're allowing yourself to realize and accept he's gone. It's a process. And you've got to work through it.

Life is made up of experiences and how we handle those experiences -- whether good or bad -- defines the person we become. Right now, you're experiencing sadness and also fear -- and don't let that fear conquer you. Don't be afraid to live. Don't be afraid to drive and most of all, don't be afraid to enjoy your life. You're friend would want you to do now, what he can't.

Parents: They're Good For What Ails Ya

Dear Dee:
I love reading your advice, it helps a lot of people, other than me. And when kids ask me questions similar to other questions you've answered, it helps them to talk to a friend, rather than their parents. Thank you!

Hey thank you so much for writing in! I love hearing from my readers and especially love knowing I can help you every now and then! But hey, don't short-suit talking to your parents. They're pretty smart and can help you out -- trust them with your problems, too ... they might just surprise you and give you some excellent advice. Remember, your parents can't help you fix a problem if you don't talk to them about it. Keep them informed. Keep talking to them. This will not only make you feel better, but it will also go a long way in helping you keep their trust.

Keep reading ... and keep writing!

Big-Mouthed Jerk Ruins Her Reputation

Dear Dee:
I'm 15 and I've been dating this guy for two years, and then he got me to have sex with him. I feel really bad about it because of our age difference he's 17. Now every time I look at him I cringe at the thought of what we did, it's eating me away, and then he told his stupid football friends and now I'm known as the school whore, which isn't true. I did it one time and suddenly I'm a whore!

I've lost all of my friends, I've lost my dignity and my parents' trust. I wish I could rewind time and take this all back but I know I can't. Did I make a horrible decision doing this? My dad tells me I'm a disgrace to the family. Did I make the wrong choice? did I totally kill my future?

You did make a bad choice -- but you didn't need me to tell you that. You already know it. Now, stop dwelling on it, get over it and get your reputation back. Don't let one stupid misstep define who you are. EVERYONE makes mistakes.

This guys is a fantastic loser. He is the reason many women think men are dogs. And let me tell you something that'll make you feel really, really great: Karma is a BITCH! He'll get his, honey.

His behavior proves he's egotistical, clearly not a gentleman and most definitely not mature enough to handle anything even close to a relationship. And, most of all the pig doesn't even know what he's done to his own reputation among the other girls in the school. Who wants to be with a guy who doesn't respect a girl enough to NOT kiss and tell? What an idiot. (Hey, feel free to tape this to his locker ... make sure to tell him it's from me ... I would love it if the jerk wrote to me ... I love telling off stupid guys.)

So sorry for the rant. It's just one of those days .... ANYWAY ... you are not ruined merchandise. You're not a second-class citizen. You're a young girl who made a bad choice. It will take awhile, but you can regain your parents' trust. You can make others forget about this and you definitely can move on.

One thing I am sure of: Through some of the biggest mistakes in our lives, we are forced to make a huge decision ... we can either let that mistake define us or we can learn from it and become stronger, better people.

You might ask me 'what could I possibly learn from this?' And to that question, I'd say you've learned:
-- You're not ready for a sexual relationship
-- You understand how important your reputation is
-- You realize how valuable and precious trust is
-- You know what kind of guy you want to date and the kind you want to stay away from
-- You've learned who your real friends are

Honey, it is hard to learn these kinds of lessons the hard way -- especially since you spent two years of your young life with this moron. But Now you know. You can chose to allow this experience to make you a better person ... Make new friends. Rebuild trust. Heal your broken heart. And most of all, forgive yourself.

Gay With Issues: Ignoring Conscience

Dear Dee:
I have one friend and she is the best thing in the world. She is the only one I'll talk to and I love her. I'm gay but my entire town is Mormon and they don't believe in that kind of thing so me and my friend are keeping it secret and it's putting a heavy burden on my shoulders. Most of the time I just want to die, I've already gotten into cutting and now every time I look in the mirror I'm disgusted with myself my friend told me that I would get over it that all of this would blow over but I don't think it will what should I do?

You titled your email to me ... 'gay with issues.' And I am not trying to make light of what you are going through, but hey ... we all have issues. It's seriously, how we handle those issues and come out of them that can actually define us as people.

Right now, you're going about it all wrong. You're harming yourself because you're scared to face adversity. But the very nature of where you live is pretty much a beacon of how you can overcome adversity. Mormons have faced it for years and years and years and still do, with grace and dignity overcome it and survive.

Listen, if you are disgusted with yourself then there is a reason. Do not ignore it. Your conscience is your guide against what's right and good for you. If you're doing something that you know you shouldn't be, then you need to stop. Don't listen to your friend on this account. If you ignore your conscience, and you stop hearing that nagging voice, it's not because what you are doing is all of a sudden OK, it is because you have become hardened to the truth and are willing to go against what you know to be right. It means you are no longer moldable and pliable to what's right and wrong. It means you've abandoned your conscience. If you get to that place, it is almost impossible to get back. And it is sad, very very sad.

I am not going to judge you for your lifestyle or for the decisions you have made. But I will tell you, that the fact you are hurting yourself and are even remotely thinking of suicide means you have real problems you need to deal with and you need to deal with them in a way you'll be proud of and in a way you can learn from. My long-time readers have heard this a million times: suicide is a permanent solution to what are only temporary problems. Cutting is the same way. It is something that's addictive, harmful and most of all ... stupid.

Don't become a statistic just because you weren't brave enough to face adversity and you weren't strong enough to do what you know to be right. Don't become that girl who bailed out of her problems by diving into self-harm instead of looking her issues straight in the eye and dealing.

And don't cop out by deciding your common sense and conscience aren't worth listening to. They are your moral compass and have everything to do with what kind of person you are becoming ... and they have everything to do with what you stand for. And that's not something to be taken lightly or to be ignored.

Boy Can't Date, So Do I Wait or Date Friend?

Dear Dee:
I like this boy and he likes me. He's a good Christian boy and he encourages me not to swear and get over my bad habits.

We share the same religion, we've known each other since preschool, our families are good friends and I believe we will be really good together.

The problem is, he's not allowed to date until he's 16, and so we were going to wait. Now his best friend likes me, and I kinda like him too. The guy I like knows everything, and I asked him how he felt about it and he said he just wanted his best friend to be happy.

He said he didn't mind if we went out. But I would still feel guilty! I am so confused right now. The best friend told my friend he's going to ask me out and so I need to make a decision. The guy I like said 'either way i will wait for you until high school' which made me feel better, but still, I'm completely confused.What should I do?

Dating 101: You don't date a girl one of your friends is actively interested in. So, I seriously doubt the friendship of this guy, who's going after his best friend's girl.

Dating 102: You don't pass the time with another guy, because another guy you want to date isn't allowed to date yet. It's creepy. It's gross and it makes you sound like you just want to date to date.

Dating 103: It's kind of gross to jump from liking one guy, to liking his best friend. Ewwwww.

Dating 104: Any guy who says he doesn't care if you date his best friend (while he pledges to 'wait for you'), although probably means it at the time, can't possibly NOT be a little jealous and agitated over the situation.

OK. Enough with the basics of dating. How would you feel if this situation was flipped? Would you want your best friend coming up to you and telling you how much fun she was having with a boy YOU wanted to date but couldn't? How would it make you feel if the boy YOU liked said he wanted to date you, but since you couldn't, said he was going to date your friend until you were 'available.'

Sure, you can definitely like two guys at the same time. It happens. But what you have to do is figure out if you just like this other guy because the one you want is not available. If that's the case, it's not fair to him for you to date him and it doesn't make you come out of this situation smellin' very nice, either.

If you like the guy who can't date, then why not just hang out and have fun? Why not, not really 'date' but continue to get to know each other. You already said he encourages you and makes you want to be a better person. That's really, really cool! Don't mess him around. He's obviously a nice boy -- especially since he's willing to keep his parents rules and not just disobey like so many kids would these days. Wow. He sounds rare and awesome.

Don't hurt him. If you like him, then LIKE him and don't mess around with his friend. If you don't want want to wait for him, and like his friend, then date the friend ... but don't expect this boy, when he's able to actually date, to feel the same way about you because feelings will change when he sees you holding hands or whatever with another guy. That's just human nature ... it can't be helped.

Lil' Sib Misses 'Great Big Sis I Used to Have'

Dear Dee:
My sister is the worst. She is always saying she will kill me . I know she's just joking around , but I want the old, great sis I used to have.

As siblings grow up, it's been my experience they do change and start treating each other differently. Especially when they get into the teen years. But hey, you can get through it!

Understand your sister is going through a lot of changes (and so are you). And try to help her through those by giving her some space and maybe not antagonizing her as much or teasing her. Since you don't give much detail as to how your relationship used to be, I can only guess she was great to you when you were younger and she didn't consider you an 'annoying little brother.' (I can say that, because I have three of them!)

So, are you doing anything that makes her rant or makes her mean? Are you being sensitive to the space she needs? And lastly, are you still showing her you like spending time with her and hanging out with her?

As sisters get older, it's hard to still get the quality time with them because friends come into the picture, but if you do your best to just hang out, let her know you love her and just wanna be with her, then she might soften up.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think her change in treatment of you is your fault. I think it's her just growing up. You do need to tell her it hurts your feelings to have her, even jokingly say she's 'gonna kill you' (not to mention, that in today's day and age, when brothers and sisters do actually kill each other sometimes it's just not a good thing to say). Let her know how much you love her and idolize her ... and most of all, tell her you're watching her because she's your hero.

Hang in there. And do all you can to help your sister and try to understand what she's going through. Because when it's your turn to go through all the same junk, she'll be supportive of you, too.

Girl Needs To Step Back, Get It Together

Dear Dee:
I 'm a sophomore in high school now and my freshman year was the worst. I tried my hardest to make friends, but everyone thought I was a freak because of the way I am.

I found out I was gay and I failed every class I took. My one and only friend somehow fell in love with me and told me I was the first girl she ever thought about this way, then the next day she told me she couldn't stop thinking about me, she said she wanted to come to my house after she got back from camp and she said that she wants her first kiss to be with me.

I know I want to kiss her but this won't be my first kiss and I think I want things to go farther but I don't want to scare her away. I guess what I need to know is how to control myself -- even though I love her and I really do.

Please don't tell me to just remember I love her and to just try harder.

No, I won't tell you to try harder. You already know you need to do that. What I will tell you is to actually stop and think about what you are doing. Each decision you're making right now affects your future.

Doing poorly in school doesn't help you at all. It, in fact, hinders you in every aspect of your life. At home, it will stress your parents out and get them on your back big time. It makes others at school look at you differently -- possibly as the kid who doesn't try hard enough or doesn't take school seriously (you didn't say why you were failing ... if it's too hard, etc) -- and it'll make it all the harder for you to get back in the grind when school starts again.

While I know school sucks (believe me, I HATED IT) ... it's not something you can take lightly. It's not about trying harder, it's about being a person who knows how to give her best in all that she does. When you can give your best in school, it becomes easier to give your best in other areas of your life -- your friendships, your personal relationships and in personal decisions.

OK. So now onto dealing with your friend-turned-crush ... Do you know what it means to take advantage of someone? Well, if you take this situation farther than it should go, then you're living the meaning. Don't you dare let her come to your house and then you take advantage of her. You are both vulnerable and are making lifestyle decisions you're not yet comfortable with. Don't experiment with someone who you consider to be your best friend! Take things slow. Don't ruin your friendship because you can't control your hormones. Seriously. Be responsible and exhibit some self-control!

You've shown, with your grades, and the fact you don't think you can 'control' your feelings, that you need to take a few steps back and get your crap together. What do you stand for? You're probably better off not getting involved with anyone until you can figure things out and get it together.

Sorry, that's just the way I see it ... sometimes, it ain't pretty.

Friends: Out With Old, In With New?

Dear Dee:
I go to a boarding high school but I don't board. I'm one of the 25 percent of the school who are 'day students' and don't live on campus. I made 3 or 4 friends fairly quickly and I was very excited about this because I am now very close with them.

My problem is I don't think these are the type of kids I want to hang out with. Now, everyone seems to be in their own groups, and I all of a sudden found myself only knowing these four kids. Everyone else seems to know everyone, whether its from their dorm or sports team or whatever.

I'm a pretty athletic kid and I met some kids on my soccer team this fall. But, I'm not a very big attention-getter. I'm short, somewhat quiet and often find myself just with my little group of 4.

I just want to be able to branch out and make some new friends who I feel more compatible with. I'm just really trying to broaden my friend base, and get to know more girls. I also need a way to get with some new friends but not ditch my old ones. HELP!

Well, I bet school is almost out for you, right? So summer time is the perfect time to branch out and kind of redefine who you are and how people look at you. And it's fine to do that.

But what's not fine, is to degrade or belittle those friends you do have. You specifically say the 3 or 4 friends you currently have are not the kind of friends you want. I hope you realize how that makes you look. It makes you look like a selfish, unreliable person who doesn't value friendship.

You want to broaden your friend base? Then first you have to appreciate those you have and understand why each friend you make is unique, individual and important as each offers you a different perspective and insight. Every friend you make, every person you become close to can add value to your life. Do you get that? Do you see why saying the friends you currently have aren't 'the kind of friends you want' is kind of tacky?

There really isn't anything wrong with you wanting to make new friends and broaden your horizons. But don't alienate those who are faithful to you in the process. Be thankful for all people around you. Appreciate all the friends brought into your life. And when people see how you treat and treasure your friends, your faithful 4 will grow ... because everyone will want to be a part of it.

Dee's Birthday: Let's Post Thank You's!

Today is my birthday. And, we're really never too old to absolutely love our birthdays. And, for me, one of the things that makes a birthday a little more bearable is being able to read how my experiences, advice and other life experiences have helped others. So, before I answer any questions today, I wanted to publish a few viewer responses. It makes me feel good ... and hey, it's my birthday ...

Thanks for the advice Dee!
It really helped! And don't worry, when I'm on TV, you'll be the first person I give a signed autograph to :).

*****
Dear Dee:
When you posted my response, I was very mad. I thought you were kind of mean and a little too harsh on me and my boyfriend. But I guess the things you said stuck with me, because I started looking at the way he treated me differently and I got exactly what you were saying. He wasn't treating me like I deserved. He was a jerk. And he really, really didn't deserve me.

I've broken up with him and am in such a happier place now. I had never thought of things in that way before. Thank you.

*****
Dear Dee:
I wrote to you on a dare from my best friend. Her and I were talking about some guy and she said 'you should write that advice person and see what she thinks, I dare you.' While I wrote you the email, we laughed and joked around -- we never thought we'd get anything out of it. Actually, we didn't even think you'd respond. But you did.

My friend is standing here with me now, and I think we are two of your biggest fans. Do you have any t-shirts or anything? We want to tell everyone how much we love reading your blog and how smart you are. Really, you're an inspiration and we love how you tell it like it is.

*****
Dear Dee:
I felt really stupid writing to you. Guys don't really write to into people for advice. But I did feel so desperate. I really really liked this girl but didn't know how to act around her. You told me how important it is to be myself and to have her like me for me. I see so many of my friends try to 'play' girls by telling them lies. But you also told me how important it is to be a good guy. I think I have taken that to heart. My mom has always told me she wants me to be a 'good boy' but hearing it from a stranger seemed to drive it home. Good guys do win ... and thank you for helping me understand how important it is.

*****
Dear Dee:
I have never written to you before, but I do love reading each and every post. I even spent one evening reading all your archives. I laughed, I cried a little and I learned. Thank you!

A Not-So-Immaculate Conception? Seriously?

Dear Dee:
My best friend told me she had to tell me something today during one of my classes. My best friend's exact words were, 'I could very possibly be pregnant.'

My friend has been steady with this guy for about 5 years. She said they haven't had sex, but she's afraid that while they were fooling around, some sperm might've made contact with her.

One, I don't know if she's lying to me because I am a strict Christian who hasn't taken off her purity ring for six years and two, is that even possible?

This is not directed at you at all. Really. It's not. So, please print this out and give it to your friend ... Anyone who doesn't understand how babies are made and who has to ask this type of question has no business getting anywhere near a guy's penis. Sorry! But that's just how it is.

It is not impossible to get pregnant this way, but not really that likely. Remember that millions of sperm are released in the 'traditional' way of making babies -- and only 1 usually makes it through to get someone pregnant. It's not likely he had a large amount on his hands when they were fooling around ... Tell your friend her likelihood of being pregnant is low -- and if she is pregnant, she must have the worst luck ever. Geez ... my head is still spinning from the stupidity. Ugh ...

Hey, congrats to you for being smart, being committed to purity and for trying to help your friend. Here's to hoping some of your behavior will rub off on her ...

Choice: The Drugs or Her ... He Chose Drugs

Dear Dee:
My boyfriend and I were good friends since sixth grade (now we are finishing up ninth.) We starting dating in January and were going out for almost three months and I found out he smoked pot.

I talked to him about it and he was extremly apologetic and regretful. He promised he'd never do it again and I said OK. A month later, he told me he had been smoking all month and at that time, I told him it was over.

Now he comes to school high. I really can't deal with it anymore. I feel like crying every time I see him. How do I get over this? We use to be so close?


It is so hard to watch someone you care about go down the wrong road. You did the right thing by confronting him on it, and ultimately ending your relationship because he wasn't willing to give up the drugs.

What's important now, is you don't allow your emotions to let you get sucked back into a relationship. You obviously care about him and it could be easy for you to talk yourself into putting up with the dope (him and the drugs) just to be able to be with him ... BUT DON'T. If you feel the need to help him, enlist some adults you trust to do that. You're not equipped to help him with a drug addiction. And all we can do is pray for that person, hope they get the help they need and know we did all we could.

If he commits to coming clean, you could cautiously take on a support role for him. But be very careful. Your emotions are so fragile right now -- you need to heal. And I feel a clean break for you, is really the only way you're going to get through this -- especially if he continues to self-destruct.

For more advice, and possible ideas to get your friend help, use the hotlines I have listed here.

OK For a 16-Year-Old to Date 20-Year-Old?

Dear Dee:
I am a 16-year-old girl but I have a body of a 21-year-old. Since my body looks older, I have always acted more mature then anyone else. I'm writing because I have never had a boyfriend. All the guys my age think I'm 20 or something.

And all the guys who ask me for my number or ask me on a date are 18 - 22. I'm so tired of saying 'no' to them especially when I think they are cute. My older brother came back from college and brought home a friend. I like him and he likes me so we exchanged numbers.

I made sure I didn't find out his age and he didn't find out mine just to see if age was really just a number. So we were talking for like 2 months and we finally kissed. That's when I decided to ask him his age. He said 20. Then I told him to guess my age and he said 19 or 20. When I told him my age he didn't even care. He said he liked me for who I am and he was glad I didn't tell him my age before because he would have never gotten to know me on this level. Now we've been going out for 6 months.

So my question is ... is age just a number or is it wrong for a 16 and 20 yr old to be together?

I can't really believe this guy didn't know how old you are/were. He's your brother's friend. And I am sure, after meeting you, he asked your brother about you. And come on. You had an idea of how old he was, because he's friends with your brother. So while you saying 'you deliberately' didn't ask age, you knew. Anyway, this isn't the issue.

The issue is this: I believe in most states, it's illegal for a 20-year-old to 'date' a minor. And the first thing coming to my mind when I read your situation is this guy just wants something from you -- and it doesn't seem to be a long-term relationship.

You are 16. And while it's way cool for you to date a 20-year-old, does it really make sense a college boy would chance his 'cool' factor by telling his college friends he's dating a 16-year-old sophomore/junior in high school? It doesn't seem to add up. Sure, there are the rare exceptions out there but it's not the norm. Don't take that the wrong way. It's not being said to be mean ... Can you see how your situation doesn't make sense? It's like a senior in high school dating a freshman ... doesn't really happen that often ...

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your brother, but if he's a typical big brother who's rather protective of his little sis, maybe he'd have a few things to say about his friend. Does he approve of you dating? Does he even know it?

Age isn't just a number at your age. There are too many personal and emotional differences between a 16-year-old and a 20-year-old. You are still in high school -- figuring out what your next steps are and are getting guidance from your parents. He's in college, hopefully with a career path in mind and is making many of his own decisions. He probably has more experience with relationships and sexual situations than you do -- and could pressure you into things you're not ready for. I'd also worry you'd not feel comfortable saying 'no' in order to not come off younger and inexperienced.

Later in life, age is less of an issue when, as an adult you've gained more life experience and you can make more informed decisions.

Regardless of whether or not you look it, you are 16. You need to experience things a 16-year-old would experience -- with peers or those a few years older than you. Learn to drive. Get your license. Celebrate high school. Enjoy your beautiful figure by respecting your body and not getting into situations you're not yet ready to handle. Don't grow up too fast. And, don't be deceptive about your age. This is very, very important.

Sorry I can't say what you want to hear. But regardless of whether you take my advice or not, I do hope you will think this situation through very carefully and at least be aware.

Change of Scenery Scary for Small Town Girl

Dear Dee:
I've recently found out I'm moving. But you see, I've lived here my whole life and I'll be leaving everything; My friends I grew up with, my mom, step dad, my little brother and my boyfriend. And to add on to all of that, I've lived in a small town all my life with no malls or big cities or anything.

So moving to a bigger place with people I don't know will be a dramatic change for me. And I'll be attending my first year of high school there. Scary stuff! Being a shy person, I hope I don't have much trouble meeting new people. But will I be accepted?

You're right! This is way scary. And it most definitely won't be easy. But if you think of it as an adventure -- a chance to broaden your horizons, then you can get through it.

This doesn't mean you forget where you came from or those who are important to you -- it means you embrace your new opportunities and turn your fear into a chance to kinda remake yourself.

Do you have things you wish your entire town didn't know about you? Do you have some stuff you wish your friends didn't know? Well, a new city is a clean slate and a chance to reinvent yourself. Doesn't mean you don't stay true to your roots, just means you use this opportunity to look at yourself and make a few changes.

Now, up until the time you leave, enjoy your friends. Spend time with the family you're leaving behind and make some memories to carry with you. Don't mope around and waste away your time worrying about the future. Just live in the moment and enjoy.

Then, when it is time to go, say your goodbyes, keep in touch and appreciate the fact you have your friends from your past to keep you grounded, and your friends in your new place to help you make adjustments and get used to a new place.

You will be accepted. Especially if you don't act like the mopey new girl -- but a girl who is excited to move on, and make new friends.

So get out there. Have fun ... and then, move on and make some new friends & have new adventures.

Never Been In Love & Close to Losing Hope

Dear Dee:
I've never been in love. I've had just a few crushes, but never been in a relationship. I've never had any prospects interested in going out with me, though I know that I am quite attractive and almost all the guys I know have flirted with me or have stared at me in class.

But no guy has ever asked me out. I am a college student and the main reason I've never went out with guys around me is I find them childish most of the time. Most of the guys I know do not converse well in English either and so it is a huge drawback for me.

I wish I could meet men who were more like me and often wonder why I have been single for so long. Most of my other friends are in committed relationships and are definitely not virgins. I feel convinced I'm never going to meet anyone who would go out with me. Will I ever be in a relationship?

I have no idea if you'll find love -- although I am thinking you probably will. It really is true -- love finds you when you least expect it and when you're not looking for it. It's just how this stuff works!

But I do have a few things I'd like to suggest to you, so you appear a little more approachable to guys. From reading your question above, I can tell you WANT attention from guys, but I am thinking maybe you're coming off to them as being a little standoff-ish. So, here it goes ...

You list the items you don't want in a guy (must speak English, can't be childish) but hey, what DO you want? And, are you judging guys too harshly? Being childish every now and then is fun. (Of course, there are those guys who are childish all the time ... I get that.) So don't discount every single guy you meet or see just because you think he's acting childish. Give the joker a chance. You may find his silliness offsets your seriousness. Or, you may find his humor gives you perspective you hadn't had before.

Try to start conversations. You say you notice guys staring at you -- do you smile back? do you say 'hi'? These simple gestures are basic, but can open a door wide enough to see what might be on the other side. Give it a shot ... Let guys know you're fun, flirty, worth talking to and totally approachable.

Now, finding someone to start a relationship with is not a run against the clock. So don't worry about what the status is of your friends. It's not a competition and it's most definitely not something to take lightly. You're picky. And that's OK. And the fact you're still a virgin is nothing at all to be ashamed of -- in fact, KUDOS to you! I am in awe of you and admire you because of it. When the time is right AND the person is right, you'll know it. And you'll be SO GLAD you waited.

'Degrassi' Dreams & a Dose of Reality

Dear Dee:
Have you ever wanted something so bad, you would try to do it even though you were specifically told not to? Well, I want to be an actress on TV.

It's always been my dream to be famous, ever since I could speak. And, the first time I ever saw, Degrassi: The Next Generation, I fell in love with it. I really love that show and it thought it would be so amazing if I could be on it. I heard they have auditions for roles openly during the seasons when needed, but I've also heard rumors they have already filmed their last season. Do you have to be like, unbelievably amazing? I don't know if I will ever be on the show, but it won't hurt to try right? And even if my chances aren't that high, i won't give up. And one more thing...if I can still go for my dream when my chances are one to a million, why can't they bend the rules just a little for a good actress?

Hey, never ever give up on your dreams. And from the sound of your enthusiasm above, I think you already know that. What you have to do though, is understand there is a time and a place for everything. Right now, there are other things you need to focus on -- getting through school, getting other things in motion in your life. These will help you in the long run to achieve your acting aspirations.

'Degrassi' is a great show -- but you know what? It's time is coming to an end! Don't you want to be involved in a project that's new, fresh and exciting? Something that hasn't been done before? How about you set your sights on doing all you can to be the best actress you can be. Study. Watch. Listen. Learn. You very well could be the next big thing ... but you have to wait until the time is right.

If acting is your passion and your true goal in life, then prepare yourself. So you can't make auditions for 'Degrassi' in Canada ... so what. Enjoy the show. Study the other actors and actresses on it, get more inspiration from watching them and pick up on what makes them good characters, bad characters and just mediocre ones. Dive into your craft.

Use this time, when your parents aren't to hyped up on you auditioning, etc to show them how dedicated you are -- that it's not just a phase for you. Let them know, through diligent work in school and keeping up with what you need to at home, that you can handle responsibility and you're willing to shoulder what taking on a career like this entails.

It won't happen overnight. Parents don't deliberately mean to hurt us by not supporting our 'celebrity' dreams. They want us be realistic and gravitate towards more traditional pursuits. And that's fine! Parents just don't want us to be disappointed! But if those of us who take that doubt, do what we have to do and still stay true to our passions who succeed at our dreams. Hold on to that and show your parents you have what it takes. Keep it real, be responsible and show them you mean business. They'll get on board soon enough and be extra proud of you for staying true to your heart.

Good luck and I hope, when you're on TV someday, you'll remember me ... I would love an autographed picture (that's 'Dee' with two e's. ...).

Crushing on All 3 of the BFF's Brothers

Dear Dee:
My best friend has three brothers- 12, 17, and 18. I am 15.

At first, I really liked the 18 year old one - he is so sweet, funny, kind, and caring. Then there is the 17 -year-old. He is all of those too - but he is more shy. Then there is the 12 year old. He was like a little brother to me. Until I slept over at my friends house recently. He was sooooo kind to me. And always trying to get my attention. Wanting me to watch him play his video games, making me a special drink, wanting me to watch videos on his iPod with him.

And then he got mad at my friend when she was driving her golf cart. She was driving super fast, and I almost flew off of it since I was in the back. He was in the golf cart behind us, and he started yelling at her. It was kind of sweet. He also did a lot of other REALLY sweet things. But I don't know what to do! I think I really like him, but isn't it wrong for a 15-year-old to like a 12-year-old?! I really need help Dee.

How does your friend feel about you crushing on her brothers? Not just one, but literally all three at different times. Is she really OK with that? (And are you OK with how fickle you're being?) Do you really even know what you're looking in a boyfriend?

My first thought is to say your best friend's brothers are off limits. Dating a friend's sibling can bring really hurt a friendship. And, since you've at one time, liked each one of the boys, it's probably a good indicator you'd change your mind again -- this time, the little brother could get hurt. And remember, blood is thicker than water. If your best friend and her brother are close, she'd probably take his side and your friendship would be rocky at best.

It is most definitely sweet he was sticking up for you and being so kind when you were over at your your friend's house. He was obviously trying to impress you and get you to like him, but the reality a 15-year-old would actually date a 12-year-old is kind of a social killer, isn't it? I mean, it's great for him, but what about you?

Are you ready to take the hit for it and withstand the teasing? If you are, and you're really willing to put your friendship on the line and possibly hurt this kid in the long-run, then go ahead. (Did I already say I don't think it's a good idea? I really, really don't.) But maybe you should just pass on this one (and don't revert to crushing on the other two brothers) and find someone a little more safe, OK?

Friends With Benefits? Um ... No

Dear Dee:
There's a distant friend I've known for years and just recently we started hanging out after his mother's passing. The days we have seen each other we made out but never had sex. He tells me 'he's not ready for a relationship' ... even though I didn't mention anything about being in a relationship.

I never asked him why . However, he made a joke about friends with benefits ... he told me I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Problem is, I really like him but will be remaining my distance ... How do I tell him I don't want to kiss him or have any intimacy with him ... Without hurting his feelings .... he's very 'different' and takes things personal. However how do I keep my distance while still giving him my full support as a friend about his mother's recent passing? Thank You.

Friends with benefits ... ha! That's for people who don't think they're special enough to experience intimacy with someone who really cares about them. It's for people who don't understand they are worth waiting for. It's for people who don't have any self respect.

You are absolutely right to keep your distance. Your friend is taking advantage of you and is trying to prey upon your sympathetic nature. He probably thinks your affection -- even sex -- will make him feel the loss of his mother a little less. But it won't. It might make him forget about her for a little while, but then he'll feel empty and sad again and you'll have done nothing but belittle yourself and your friendship.

If your friend is bold enough to say he wants to have sex with you without commitment, then you shouldn't worry one little bit about hurting his feelings by telling him you DON'T want to. If he's not man enough to take it, that's his problem. I am sorry he lost his mother (that much be horrible) but he opened the door to this discussion by suggesting it. And while you both got yourselves to this place by fooling around, you are well within your right and responsibility to shut it down. So do it.

There's a chance you won't be able to preserve your friendship. There's also a chance he won't stop trying to hit on you -- but you have to be strong for yourself. This may even mean you abandon the obligation you feel towards helping him until he can get his crud together. It sounds like he's trying to use sex and other forms of affection as an escape. And you not being around, might be the best thing for him.

You've got to talk to him. That's all there is to it and you must be clear with him. Hold your ground. And good for you for knowing what he was suggesting was/is completely inappropriate and disgusting.

When Bachelor No. 1 & 2 Both Suck ...

Dear Dee:
I'm having some trouble in my life that I need them to be resolved. First of, my mind is so messed up anything can hurt me. My heart aches from all the pain I've been through and I don't think I can take it anymore. I think of thoughts a person shouldn't think about but I do.

All these problems stem from two people; two boys! One I really loved, but he hurt me by having a baby with some other girl and cheated; the other just plays with my emotions. I can't take anymore lies or pain! which one should I choose?

Which guy should you choose? Are you serious? If you have to pick between bachelor No. 1 and Bachelor No. 2, then hell, RUN! RUN NOW and go find yourself a Bachelor No. 3 who's actually worthy of your affection, thoughts and attention ... these guys are messed up and they're not doing anything for you but making you a big, emotional basket case.

When we start letting guys jerk us around by our emotions, there is usually a defining moment where we either decide to keep taking it, or we decide we're better off without it. This is that time for you. You've realized they both are hurtful to you. You've admitted your current emotional turmoil stems from their stupidness and you admit you can't deal with it anymore. SO DON'T!

Show you're a girl who knows what she wants, and make a choice to take care of yourself by getting the heck away. If you have to block their numbers from your cell phone, refuse to answer the door when they call and flag their emails as spam, do it. Free yourself.

This situation will not get any better until you admit you have the power to make a change. Make it stop. ... Only you can.

You said you wanted to know which one to choose ... and honey, neither are worth the effort it takes to even type this ... choose to kick these two bad habits and move on.

Long-Distance Advice: But First, a Lecture

Dear Dee:
My boyfriend and I live in different towns. It takes two hours to get to the town he lives in. We met at a hotel. I had a boyfriend at the time but I was bored. We had fun and I broke up with my then boyfriend, now we've been together since the first week in December but the problem is thanks to the distance, we're drifting. I really like this guy and I want to try and fix this relationship before it's too late. So what can I do?

So let me first get on your case a little about starting a relationship with someone else while you were already involved with someone else ... Shame on you. Not cool. And, being bored isn't a reason or excuse. It's actually quite pitiful ... You wouldn't want a boyfriend of yours to do that very same thing, would you? It would hurt. So ... please, try to treat those you have relationships right -- with respect and dignity. (OK, I am stepping off my soap box)

Now, to the issue at hand: Long distance relationships are tough! The most important component in making them work is communication. And, with all the tech today, it seems like it's pretty easy to keep in touch!

Of course, though, nothing really makes up for face time, right? Both of you have to make a real effort to stay committed and to keep things moving forward. It sounds like you're interested in keeping the flame alive, but is he?

It's important for you to simply talk to him -- tell him you want your relationship to work and that it means a lot to you. Put it all out there on the table and see what he has to say. While you're showing your willing to put up with the distance, it just may not be something he can deal with. You know him ... what type of signals is he giving off?

If you two love each other, there is no reason you can't make this work. It is just going to take a lot of commitment, time and ... (here's this word again) work. Most long distance relationships struggle because of 'out of sight, out of mind.' Work extra hard to make this cliche' completely untrue in your case.

Reserve time, whether it be on the phone, thru email or whatever to actually work on your relationship. Have phone dates, text dates or even write old-fashioned letters. Long-distance relationships are hard on a couple, but if you use the time a part as chance to really get to know each other, then when you're together, you will have a new appreciation and knowledge for one another. It can truly be an adventure.

I apologize for the lecture. I hope you know I want the best for you -- I mean it. And I really hope it works out ... two hours isn't that bad ...so I hope you can make it work.

How Can I Make a Cool Kid Care?

Dear Dee:
Hey how do you get a guy when he doesn't even care about you and he is the cool kid and hot ... What do I do?

Well, you can't make someone care for you. And you wouldn't really want to! You want someone to have feelings for you because of who you are -- the real you.

So your best bet is to be yourself. Now that I've said this, it doesn't mean you can't do a few extra things, like going out of your way to say 'hi' to this guy, or to flirt with him. that's totally acceptable. Step out of your comfort zone to just 'happen' to be where he'll see you or where you can talk to him (but don't be too obvious).

This could be kinda scary and intimidating -- especially since you already think he is way cool (and lets not forget hot ...) but you can do it! Don't be shy. Hold your head up with confidence and show this guy what he's missing by not hanging out with you. Or, get really bold and ask him to grab a soda with you!

And hey, if it doesn't work out, don't sweat it. There are tons of guys out there and if this one can't see how awesome you are, then ... it's totally his loss.

Now, YOU GO GIRL!

She's Worried About Regaining Weight Lost

Dear Dee:

I'm 15 years old and I recently lost a lot a weight on a healthy eating plan. I got down to a weight I was happy with and was able to maintain for a few months, through eating healthily- although I was very strict on myself. For the past few weeks however, I have reoccurringly been overeating the types of food I would usually avoid.

I can't seem to control myself and am afraid I am going to put on all the weight I have worked so hard to lose. I have no idea what has triggered this! I don't feel like I can talk to anyone as I naturally like to keep myself to myself but this is really getting me down. Please help me to get back on track!

All I can do is encourage you to keep your goals in mind and to remember how you felt when you were overweight. Those feelings alone, should be enough to keep you on the right track. But if they're not, you need to get yourself an accountability partner.

Whether it be a friend or a family member, find someone who can help you stay on the right track when it comes to your eating habits. This makes keeping yourself to yourself pretty difficult, but it's essential. Sometimes, the things we really want to succeed at, we have to have a support group around us to help keep us on task. This is important and doesn't mean you can't handle it -- it just means you're taking your accountability to another level.

Every single person who has ever been on a diet will tell you there are times when you stray from your eating plan. And it's OK as long as you realize your limits and don't overdo it. Extra helpings, a candy bar, etc every now and then aren't going to hurt you. But if you can't control yourself, then you need to be careful. Don't do this alone. I fear if you do, you'll end up in literally, the same shape you used to be in.

PS -- glad to hear you're following a healthy eating plan.

BF Doesn't Get Momma's Stamp of Approval

Dear Dee:
This guy that I am in love with, told me he still loves me but won't go out with me because he dislikes my mom. We went out before, but my mom didn't let me see him so he dumped me. He told me he would ask me out again when everything calmed down a bit. Now he barely even talks to me. What do I do to get him back?

Before you make any efforts to get this guy back, your first order of business is to find out why your mother doesn't like this him. She could see something or feel something you're not realizing. It's really important you hear her out and try to understand her reasoning. Then, you can talk to her about your feelings and see if you can change her mind. Maybe you can suggest you invite him over so your mom can spend some time seeing what kind of young man he is. In turn, this would allow you to observe him a little more closely too ... maybe the reason your momma doesn't like him would jump out at you.

Now, keep in mind here, you're asking your mother to treat you with respect and as a young adult. So when you talk to her, make sure you show her the respect she deserves as your momma. If you want to get straight answers from her, you have to show her you can handle them and are old enough to hear her out -- even if you don't agree. She's still the authority in your life and you have to honor that.

If your mom changes her mind, and you still want to date this guy, play it right. It's possible, with the time passed, he's moved on. And if he has, honor that and see if he comes back around. But if he is still interested, talk to him about not holding a grudge against your mother, etc. And how you expect him to treat her right -- regardless of the past.

This is probably all you can do at this point. Don't chase after him. If things don't work out right now, maybe they will later -- or maybe he's just the wrong guy for you right now. Understand, I am sure your momma has your best interests at heart and she definitely wants what's best for you. ... and in her mind, maybe he's just not it.

Can't Believe I'm Fallin' for a Friend

Dear Dee:
This guy I know is one of my best friends. I've never had feelings for him or anything. I see him as a friend only.

I don't know what has gotten into me but the past few days I have been feeling attracted to him.

I always wait for him in the hallways and talk to him constantly and stare at him, which I never did before. He told me he likes another girl. I wanted to be nice and help him and give him advice but I am a little jealous and a little heart broken. I am so confused.

I keep telling myself this is not happening and I don’t like him. But ... I'm stuck. I actually found myself crying when I came home from school today. I can't like him right, it just seems impossible!

Don't cry sweet girl! Don't! I sure don't know what it seems impossible for you to discover you really, really like someone you already spend a lot of time with as a friend. People are always discovering the one they should really be with has been right next to them all along -- whether it be a friend or whatever. So don't freak out you're having these feelings. Just be cautious.

Don't all of a sudden think, because you're feeling a little differently about him, your relationship has to change. Take it slow. Figure out whether your feelings are the real deal, or just a fleeting fancy. You may find in a few days, you wake up and laugh you were even having romantic feelings towards him. (you wouldn't want to ruin your friendship by jumping the gun, in other words.) Or you may find he's the guy you want to be with. If this is the case, then you need to figure next steps.

It's a perfectly fantastic progression to go from being friends to dating! As friends, you've already spent time together, figured out how to get along and established some chemistry. It takes some of the edge off immediately jumping into dating. You're already familiar with the person and know some of his quirks.

If you're unsure of him feeling anything other than friendship towards you, maybe you could test the waters a little by paying attention to his reactions when you talk about dating other guys. Or ask him questions about this girls he might be interested in . If you're bold enough, you could jokingly ask him if he'd ever thought of dating you -- (say you were just curious, etc). You know the boundaries of the relationship you have with him now. I am sure you can figure out the best way to approach him or find out if he's interested, too.