He's Just Offering Friendship ... For Now

Dear Dee:
I am not the kind of girl who has relationship trouble. I'm 19, I've kissed one guy, and he's the reason I'm writing you.


We knew each other vaguely, I met him in a class, he helped me out a couple of times when I really needed someone to be there and he was just very unexpectedly there with all the right words.

We started e-mailing kind of unexpectedly over Spring Break and talked a lot, about everything and more. I mean, three long e-mails a day. Then we hung out and kissed and went a little further and I said up front that I wasn't in it for a friends-with-benefits; that's not what I'm looking to get myself into.

We talked about it and he said he needed to think (all the talking happened before the going a little further bit; I don't want you to think badly of him). He did think and told me after a week or so that he wasn't at a place right now where he thought he could handle a relationship and I said that was fine and that I still wanted to be friends.

Our conversations tapered off as finals began and only recently (about a month later) did I finally respond to his last e-mail. We've made plans to hang out when I get back into town, and if nothing else, I want him in my life because he's a really good guy, a lot of fun, and someone I love to talk to.

I had thought I was over him, but I'm not. And I can honestly say this is unfamiliar territory for me. I'm not looking to just wait around for him and I understand pressing isn't going to make him into someone who is ready for a relationship right now. I guess I just wanted to know if it's okay for me to start building a friendship with someone who I'm still trying to get over. I just don't think I'll ever be over him entirely, and if I want to be his friend, I figure now is as good a time as ever. To be truthful, I don't really know what I want from you. An objective opinion, perhaps.

What you want from me is a green light to go ahead and get with this guy -- regardless of the fact he's already told you he's not relationship-ready. And I also think you want me to tell you that it won't hurt if you do remain friends with him.

The problem is, it will hurt. And I am betting you already know, if you want to keep your heart safe, you can't be around this guy until you're a little bit stronger. You need that. The fact you wrote me is testament you're just not strong enough to just be his friend.

I don't know what kind of guy he is. I only know what you tell me. And you're saying, last time you were together, AFTER you guys talked you took your make out scene a little farther. AFTER you talked ... so he already knew you were vulnerable and you already knew he wasn't into a relationship. See, he has the upper hand right now in this 'not a friends with benefits' relationship. He knows you have feelings. And he knows you are 'waiting' and willing to be his friend until HE has feelings ...

It may seem callous to talk about a relationship this way, but unless you can really really trust this guy to not take advantage of your vulnerable position, you need to keep your distance until you are composed enough to guard yourself. It would also be great if you could turn the tables on him and either get on equal footing or regain a little edge in the relationship.

Just be careful. And really think about what I've said ... please. I don't want your next email to me to be one explaining how you let a situation go too far or that you're picking up the pieces of a broken heart. Some people, whom we fall for, just can't ever really be our friends ... it's just too painful.

1 comment:

filipina said...

I do agree with Dee, based from what you said that you are not into "friends with benefits" but actually you already did it. The sad thing is that the guy only takes advantage at you because he knows that you have feelings for him. I know it hurts but all you need to do is to find someone better. Someone who can appreciate you and most of all value you as a woman.