Friends With Benefits? Um ... No

Dear Dee:
There's a distant friend I've known for years and just recently we started hanging out after his mother's passing. The days we have seen each other we made out but never had sex. He tells me 'he's not ready for a relationship' ... even though I didn't mention anything about being in a relationship.

I never asked him why . However, he made a joke about friends with benefits ... he told me I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Problem is, I really like him but will be remaining my distance ... How do I tell him I don't want to kiss him or have any intimacy with him ... Without hurting his feelings .... he's very 'different' and takes things personal. However how do I keep my distance while still giving him my full support as a friend about his mother's recent passing? Thank You.

Friends with benefits ... ha! That's for people who don't think they're special enough to experience intimacy with someone who really cares about them. It's for people who don't understand they are worth waiting for. It's for people who don't have any self respect.

You are absolutely right to keep your distance. Your friend is taking advantage of you and is trying to prey upon your sympathetic nature. He probably thinks your affection -- even sex -- will make him feel the loss of his mother a little less. But it won't. It might make him forget about her for a little while, but then he'll feel empty and sad again and you'll have done nothing but belittle yourself and your friendship.

If your friend is bold enough to say he wants to have sex with you without commitment, then you shouldn't worry one little bit about hurting his feelings by telling him you DON'T want to. If he's not man enough to take it, that's his problem. I am sorry he lost his mother (that much be horrible) but he opened the door to this discussion by suggesting it. And while you both got yourselves to this place by fooling around, you are well within your right and responsibility to shut it down. So do it.

There's a chance you won't be able to preserve your friendship. There's also a chance he won't stop trying to hit on you -- but you have to be strong for yourself. This may even mean you abandon the obligation you feel towards helping him until he can get his crud together. It sounds like he's trying to use sex and other forms of affection as an escape. And you not being around, might be the best thing for him.

You've got to talk to him. That's all there is to it and you must be clear with him. Hold your ground. And good for you for knowing what he was suggesting was/is completely inappropriate and disgusting.