Gay With Issues: Ignoring Conscience

Dear Dee:
I have one friend and she is the best thing in the world. She is the only one I'll talk to and I love her. I'm gay but my entire town is Mormon and they don't believe in that kind of thing so me and my friend are keeping it secret and it's putting a heavy burden on my shoulders. Most of the time I just want to die, I've already gotten into cutting and now every time I look in the mirror I'm disgusted with myself my friend told me that I would get over it that all of this would blow over but I don't think it will what should I do?

You titled your email to me ... 'gay with issues.' And I am not trying to make light of what you are going through, but hey ... we all have issues. It's seriously, how we handle those issues and come out of them that can actually define us as people.

Right now, you're going about it all wrong. You're harming yourself because you're scared to face adversity. But the very nature of where you live is pretty much a beacon of how you can overcome adversity. Mormons have faced it for years and years and years and still do, with grace and dignity overcome it and survive.

Listen, if you are disgusted with yourself then there is a reason. Do not ignore it. Your conscience is your guide against what's right and good for you. If you're doing something that you know you shouldn't be, then you need to stop. Don't listen to your friend on this account. If you ignore your conscience, and you stop hearing that nagging voice, it's not because what you are doing is all of a sudden OK, it is because you have become hardened to the truth and are willing to go against what you know to be right. It means you are no longer moldable and pliable to what's right and wrong. It means you've abandoned your conscience. If you get to that place, it is almost impossible to get back. And it is sad, very very sad.

I am not going to judge you for your lifestyle or for the decisions you have made. But I will tell you, that the fact you are hurting yourself and are even remotely thinking of suicide means you have real problems you need to deal with and you need to deal with them in a way you'll be proud of and in a way you can learn from. My long-time readers have heard this a million times: suicide is a permanent solution to what are only temporary problems. Cutting is the same way. It is something that's addictive, harmful and most of all ... stupid.

Don't become a statistic just because you weren't brave enough to face adversity and you weren't strong enough to do what you know to be right. Don't become that girl who bailed out of her problems by diving into self-harm instead of looking her issues straight in the eye and dealing.

And don't cop out by deciding your common sense and conscience aren't worth listening to. They are your moral compass and have everything to do with what kind of person you are becoming ... and they have everything to do with what you stand for. And that's not something to be taken lightly or to be ignored.