Boy Can't Date, So Do I Wait or Date Friend?

Dear Dee:
I like this boy and he likes me. He's a good Christian boy and he encourages me not to swear and get over my bad habits.

We share the same religion, we've known each other since preschool, our families are good friends and I believe we will be really good together.

The problem is, he's not allowed to date until he's 16, and so we were going to wait. Now his best friend likes me, and I kinda like him too. The guy I like knows everything, and I asked him how he felt about it and he said he just wanted his best friend to be happy.

He said he didn't mind if we went out. But I would still feel guilty! I am so confused right now. The best friend told my friend he's going to ask me out and so I need to make a decision. The guy I like said 'either way i will wait for you until high school' which made me feel better, but still, I'm completely confused.What should I do?

Dating 101: You don't date a girl one of your friends is actively interested in. So, I seriously doubt the friendship of this guy, who's going after his best friend's girl.

Dating 102: You don't pass the time with another guy, because another guy you want to date isn't allowed to date yet. It's creepy. It's gross and it makes you sound like you just want to date to date.

Dating 103: It's kind of gross to jump from liking one guy, to liking his best friend. Ewwwww.

Dating 104: Any guy who says he doesn't care if you date his best friend (while he pledges to 'wait for you'), although probably means it at the time, can't possibly NOT be a little jealous and agitated over the situation.

OK. Enough with the basics of dating. How would you feel if this situation was flipped? Would you want your best friend coming up to you and telling you how much fun she was having with a boy YOU wanted to date but couldn't? How would it make you feel if the boy YOU liked said he wanted to date you, but since you couldn't, said he was going to date your friend until you were 'available.'

Sure, you can definitely like two guys at the same time. It happens. But what you have to do is figure out if you just like this other guy because the one you want is not available. If that's the case, it's not fair to him for you to date him and it doesn't make you come out of this situation smellin' very nice, either.

If you like the guy who can't date, then why not just hang out and have fun? Why not, not really 'date' but continue to get to know each other. You already said he encourages you and makes you want to be a better person. That's really, really cool! Don't mess him around. He's obviously a nice boy -- especially since he's willing to keep his parents rules and not just disobey like so many kids would these days. Wow. He sounds rare and awesome.

Don't hurt him. If you like him, then LIKE him and don't mess around with his friend. If you don't want want to wait for him, and like his friend, then date the friend ... but don't expect this boy, when he's able to actually date, to feel the same way about you because feelings will change when he sees you holding hands or whatever with another guy. That's just human nature ... it can't be helped.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

This story is SO similar to mine! I really like this boy at my church and he likes me back (yay!) but he won't ask me out. He keeps telling everyone it's because he's not allowed to date untill high school, but I don't think thats why. I'm too shy to ask what's going on and I'm WAY too shy to ask him out myself, also what if he says no because of his parents?!? I really like him and he tells his friends he really really really likes me, but we've never said this to each other face to face, and I'm kinda wondering if that's why he won't ask me out.

Anonymous said...

So much like my problem! This guy named Joseph likes me and I REALLY like him and everyone says that we are perfect for each other. Only problem is is he can't date until he hits sixteen. I really respect him for respecting his folks and all, but I really want to date him. I don't know what my parents think of dating, I never tell them abt my love life. I am thirteen and he's a tad older, just a few months, but we resorted to respecting his parents wishes and we just ACT like we are dating. We pass notes and chat, and we OBVIOUSLY like each other. My real problem is my snitch of a cousin told the entire school I like him. Ugh, Dee, what do I do?

Anonymous said...

Same here. I like a guy who can't date till high school. I like him... he likes me..... and a bunch of other girls. Im the only girl that likes him. I want to date him and i know we cant so maybe there's a way we won't be DATING but we can still be more than just friends...

Anonymous said...

Almost all of this is like my problem too! I found out that the guy that I liked, liked me.We were casual friends at school and all. Everyone kept telling me that he liked me, I was excited but I didn't know if it was true or not, so I just waited for the hints and the clues... Problem is, he is SUPER flirtatious. He flirts with almost every girl he meets. I don't know if he is trying to make me jealous, or something like that, or if he thinks he is just being friendly. After a few hints and clues (we've hugged, gone to each others birthday parties, hung out together, he put his hand on my shoulder and around me, and when I was wearing a dress he said I looked "stunning" and in reply I said, "Thank you! You too!") Anyways, I REALLY like him. But....... I can't date until I'm 16. And I'm 13 right now... I REALLY don't want to start dating him in 3 YEARS, I am super impatient! I'm afraid he is going to like another girl that can date at the age she is currently at, and TOTALLY forget about me. I don't want to be forgotten, and his little sister and parent's LOVE me! I don't know what to do. And I'm pretty sure he knows that I like him too, because I've admitted it to people, and they tell him... All the girls like him. (I swear he's like a playa!) So I don't know if I should wait, tell him how I feel and wait, date him now (and disobey parents), or just forget about it and ignore him (not an option for me, sorry!). And I'm worried that, if we do date, (if it is now or in the future) that he will cheat on me. Probably not, he is really sweet and stuff but he doesn't know when to stop flirting!! This is a big issue in my life right now and I should be focusing on school and stuff, but this is just getting in the way! (Don't worry I still have A's in all my classes though) Oh! And by the way he gets B's and A's, so he is a good kid. I don't understand why my parents WON'T. LET. ME. DATE! I'm responsible enough to date someone (I think, at least) Well enough ranting for tonight, gotta do some homework (oh the joys of doing homework!) Bye! (And if you're still reading this: way to be a trooper and read a very boring story of some random teenage girl's problem... I appreciate that!)

Anonymous said...

I like a guy but I don't know if he feels the same or if it will even work out between us. We are good friends and semi close friends.and I don't want to ruin that. So what do I do. Soz about spelling mistakes, damn productive text

Anonymous said...

Dear,Dee
I have this boy at my church also, he is the preacher's son. He is the middle child and has 6 other siblings. His parents tell him that he can't date until he is sixteen.He is a real cutie and really mature and respectable as a boy who is fourteen can get.He respects that rule greatly because he doesn't flirt with anyone just friends with every girl he meets , but I can't even get to be his friend without mumbling or freaking out while speaking to him. I like him but I am going to respect his parents rule. I can't compete with all the other pretty girls in my sunday school room anyway. They are all skinny and pretty, i'm just athletic and tall. I had a good feeling that I could get with him after he turns the apporiate age but I don't go to school with him and I can't get his attention for my life. My mom says to start a relationship that you need to be friends first. I want to be sure were friends and we have a while and a lot of time to do so, so could you give me some confidence advice or how to start a conversation to be friends?

Thanks Dee.