Everyone Says We're GREAT Together, BUT ...

Dear Dee:
OK, first I just wanted to say I love your site! It really helps and I know you will always be there for me.

Anyways, I have this friend, he's a guy. I hang out with him all of the time.

Everyone at school says we should go out and we would make a cute couple. They say they could see us getting married when we are older. I don't really think that [although a small part of me does] and he told me he doesn't think that either.

There is a dance coming up and everyone says we should dance together at it. I know he won't want to. I really don't want to but a small part of me does. I used to like him, but now we are really good friends. I guess you could say he is my best guy friend. I don't know what I should do. Can you help?

I am so so so glad you enjoy the site. I am even more thrilled it helps you. I can't tell you what this means to me. THANK YOU! Hey, you wanna know something else that's VERY VERY special about your post? Your question and response is the 300th I've posted on the new site! WHOO HOO!!!!! (I totally wish confetti could fall down from the sky as well as some way awesome balloons when everyone reads this ... but technology hasn't come THAT far ... yet.)

Now, down to business: So ... who really cares what everyone says? You need to consider here, what YOU think.

Do you want to be a 'couple' with this guy or are you cool with the status quo? This is the question you have to answer. You say only a small part of you has thought romantically about your friend. In my mind, this isn't enough of a 'thought' to ruin a friendship. So I'd give it some more time and see if any other feelings develop. Don't rush into a relationship and ruin something great because others are pushing you into it. They see things more superficially -- on the outside -- than you do. You're in the thick of it. It's your life. It's your decision. And it's friendship at stake here. So who cares what everyone else thinks.

Readers Want to Know about DEE

Dear Dee:
You help us out all of the time. I think it's time to spill the beans and tell US about YOU!

Hey, I don't wanna use our space to talk about ME! But, tell you what ... tell me what you want to know about me. Make them fun questions, K? Don't ask the ordinary ... get creative.

I'll pick 10 questions from random readers ... so send in as many as you want! Can't wait to get them and answer them ... I kinda feel like we're playing truth or dare! ... BTW, I won't answer anything inappropriate. So don't even go there.

His Flirting a Sign He Likes Me?

Dear Dee:
There's this guy at school and I've known him for a while now. He went out with one of my friends and the other night, he kept poking me, flirting and being around me. Then when we go to leave the fundraiser, he gave me two huge hugs.

Anyway, he dated another girl, who I'm good friends with and they've split up but she still really likes him. But I think he likes me I don't know what to do.


I don't ever think it's a good idea for a girl to date a friend's ex. It just ends up causing problems ... but if you and this girl aren't the best of friends, then maybe it's worth it.

First off, you've got to figure out if this guy likes you. You can read into the flirting depending on the type. You know how he usually acts around you -- was his flirting different and maybe a little more personal than usual? And the poking ... hum. Well, while this might seem like a form of flirting to you, it actually isn't all that cool for a guy to think he actually has the right to touch you -- even if it is in a playful manner. So watch out on this. I understand it was innocent and in fun, but still ... this put up a warning flag for me. The hugs? Well, a hug is a hug. As one of my favorite movies points out, there's a hug where you kinda just bend over and hug then there's a hug that's a little more personal and close. What type was it?

Of course, if you really wanna know if he likes you, just ask him. Take a chance and see what happens! But if you do this, have replies for each scenario. And keep your cool!

Second of all, you need to weigh your friendship with the friend who still likes him and figure out if it's worth possibly losing over dating this guy. I have found out friendships last longer than most dating relationships. But only you know how important this one is to you. So make a decision based on your feelings and be ready to live with whatever happens.



SAT Panic Sets In: Time for Encouragement

Dear Dee:
I am a senior in high school and my average is a 76. I realize it should be higher, but I was a procrastinator and gave up on myself.

I have second honors this year and am trying to work my way up. I am also an athlete who can get a full-ride scholarship to an out of state college, but in order to do so I HAVE to get 940 with the Math and Critical Reading combined, and so far have gotten a 760.

My critical reading scores are in the high 400's, but my math scores are in the low 300's. I have registered for the March SAT, and have been studying every day. I have out of state colleges interested in giving me scholarships, but they are waiting to see my SAT scores. I want to believe everything will be okay but I feel like giving up. What should I do?

NEVER ... NEVER ... NEVER EVER give up on yourself and what you can do when you put your mind to it. Be determined. Be deliberate and let the fact you're talented enough, smart enough and ambitious enough be the motivating factor in keeping your head in the books and your nose to the grindstone.

Hey, if colleges are interested in giving you scholarships, YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY WORTH THE EFFORT, here! Do not cheat YOURSELF out of this opportunity by throwing in the towel. Isn't that one of the biggest lessons you learn as an athlete ... to push yourself and keep striving to get better and better? Apply that philosophy here.

Get tutored. Ask for help whenever and wherever you can. If you have to, listen to study tapes/CDs while you're sleeping (hey, don't knock it! It worked for Jake in 'Annapolis'). Don't let up. And be encouraged that the end result here will be 100 percent worth it. Because it really will be.

You don't need me to tell you this, but you're a lucky, lucky person. You must be blessed with an athletic gift that's pretty darn special to have colleges offering you scholarships. And for that, I totally give you a standing ovation. So use that gift to get yourself a free education and a jump start on a fantastic career. I know you can do it. Seriously ... I just know.

PLEASE keep me posted. And if you need some study tips, remember MURDER is the key ... (to find out why, check out:
"Midterm Study Frenzy: HELP!"

Good luck and know beyond a doubt that I'm pulling for ya. (Seriously, I expect to hear from ya after you take your test!)

Come Clean With Parents, Then Help Friend

Dear Dee:
I have a gigantic problem!

Today, my parents were talking to me and my sister about drugs. It didn't get uncomfortable until they asked if I knew anyone who did drugs. I lied and said no.

But recently one of my friends told me he smokes. He also hangs with my bff and ever since her mom got married to a guy she doesn't like she has been acting rebellious.

She has told us about a ton of dumb stuff she has done and she broke up with her boyfriend for a reason she won't tell us and I have a feeling it wasn't just because she got bored.

Her and her new boyfriend have been sneaking behind her mom's back and doing inappropriate things. How can I talk to my friend about this and help her have a future that doesn't involve having to drop out?

So, you said you lied to your parents, but you said your friend just smokes ... I am assuming he smokes an illegal substance because if it's cigarettes, that's not an ILLEGAL drug ...

But anyway, first of all, you've got to come clean with your parents. Laying a foundation of lies about something as serious as drugs even though you aren't doing them yourself will cause distrust and a total loss of respect if your parents find out. So, don't even mess with that. I know it sucks to rat out a friend, but your parents asked you point blank. And it just isn't right to lie to them -- especially if you want to be the kind of kid a parent can trust.

Secondly, your BFF ... yeah. Sounds like she's quickly heading down a wrong path. And while it's easy to chalk her actions up to rebellion, let's not minimize these problems in that way and realize she needs to make some serious life changes.

It seems like you understand, but your friend is making choices right now that will affect the rest of her life. And we want her to make STRONG decisions. Not STUPID ones. So, you need to do what a BFF does ... talk to her.

One thing I depend on my best friend for is ACCOUNTABILITY. If a best friend can't be honest with you when you're 100 percent wrong, then who can be? You should be able to talk to your friend and tell her how it is. So do it! Tell her you're worried about her and you are sure she's making some inappropriate and wrong decisions. Let her know you are worried about the consequences of those decisions and you can't just sit back and let her make them without telling her.

Then, after this discussion, tell her you care about her and what happens in her life. Let her know that you're there for her -- and you want to help her through whatever is happening at home, school or whatever in her life that's causing her turmoil.

Lastly, if you seriously find that you can't get through to your friend and her choices are getting her further and further in trouble, you might just have to walk away. It's the last resort, but good friends gone bad can really bring you down. And there does come a point when you've done all you can -- and have to move on. It's SAD and HORRIBLE. But you can't let yourself get pulled into her web or deceit and destruction.

I hope you can work this out with your friend. And I do hope you make the right choice to talk to your parents about your little lie.

Momma's Expectations Heavy Load to Carry

Dear Dee:
I pride myself in the fact my relationship with my mother is a bit better than the average. But still, she's hurting me even if she doesn't mean to.

All my life, she has told me the only average grade I am supposed to get is a 10 (Scandinavian grading system, 10 is consistent with the grade A in USA): any less than a perfect 10, I am too lazy, I don't read enough, I don't appreciate what I have and she's very disappointed in my performance. Her reasoning as to why I must get the perfect score every time is I'm so smart, I should. Now that I've reached college, the same still goes on.

But what she doesn't realize is in my school, grades don't really matter much, and only the finals matter the most. And yet, she expects me to keep a grade 10-average, and her constant hounding is stressing me ... a lot.

My self-confidence is at an all time low because I feel I'm a complete loser and every time I feel even so much as a sliver of pride in my schoolwork, my mother erases it completely by telling me my performance is inadequate in comparison to my alleged superior intelligence.

When I try to tell her that her demands are affecting my schooling in itself, she doesn't listen to me and starts comparing me to her and how she was already on her own at my age and had a job and studied on the side and tells me I'm wasting my talent, that I should have a part-time job as I study.

I want to tell her she's hurting me. I want to tell her I can't keep living in the same house with her if she keeps this up. I want to tell her if she truly thinks of me as an adult, she should let me make my own decisions.

But how am I going to make her listen to me, really listen, tell her how I feel and do all this without hurting her? I don't want her to feel bad. She's gone through enough in her life already, but I can't keep living under this pressure she puts on me.

Any advice you may have is greatly appreciated.

Parental expectations can be one of the heaviest loads we can possibly carry. I actually know what you're going through here.

And believe me, if you do not get it taken care of now, you will spend the rest of your life constantly trying to please your mother ... and it kills when nothing seems to be good enough or the special words 'I'm proud of you' aren't spoken. Seriously, it is very important you take care of this right now.

So, it seems to me you've been very respectful and accommodating to your mother and her wishes up to this point. You've tried with all your might to do what she wants you to do and to live up to her expectations. With taking the drastic step into adulthood and entering college, you've realized there really isn't a way to balance reality and the overbearing expectations of your mom and you need to break free of it, really and take control of your life. You need your mom to understand she has raised you to do your best. She has raised you to do the right things. And she has raised you to be a strong, independent woman ... now she needs to lighten up and have faith in how she's raised you.

How do you do this? Well, you've got to talk to her. This isn't going to be an easy conversation and the fact you want to spare her feelings is admirable, but you've got to have this talk and you've got to be forceful -- yet respectful. It's time.

Your mom needs to know that above all, you love her and you appreciate her. You acknowledge her gentle urging inspires you and makes you want to do your best, BUT ... the pressure she's putting on you is too much for you to handle.

The bottom line? You've got to spell it out VERY clear ... YOU AND YOUR MOM ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. WHAT WORKED FOR HER, DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU. You handle stress differently, you handle situations differently, and lastly, your goals are different.

You need to let your mom know that by constantly expecting more than you can give, she is driving a wedge between the two of you and is putting a strain on your relationship that will eventually cause you to pull away from her completely. She needs to understand it's not healthy. And, in the end, the pressure she's putting you under will give way to resentment and ruin the most important relationship that's in your life right now.

Let your momma know you are doing your best. You are studying, working hard and dedicated to being the best student you can be in college. But you have to do this your way -- and while you will always strive for grade perfection, sometimes, it's not gonna happen. Just as she has to let you make mistakes in life, she needs to let you get through school on your own terms as well. Tell her to have faith in how she's raised you and the values she's instilled in you. Tell her to trust you.

It is very important you let your mom know how her words and unreasonable expectations are hurting you and how they are causing you to start to resent and harbor bitterness towards her. Regardless of the grading systems and how grades are measured/what matters/what doesn't matter ... this is a REAL problem that's affecting your relationship -- and if she wants to have a healthy relationship with you, she needs to lighten up. NOT LET GO in encouraging you to do your best, ... but stop the comparisons. Stop the over-analyzing and get back to encouraging and trusting ... this is the only way you two will get through this.

I know this will be a brutal conversation. But it's got to happen. And if you need a little help, feel free to print this out and send it to your momma. And if you do that, let her know you love her and appreciate her ... because it could be the opposite ... she could just not care at all.


I wish you the best of luck and thank you so so so much for reading.

Odd & Proud's Mom Meets Her in Middle

This reader is referring to her original question "Odd and Proud of It."

Dear Dee:
I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your advice, and that I found it very helpful. I have been trying to be less judgmental and more open to the idea of others and my mother. I've managed to form a tenuous friendship with a girl in my class, and she is helping me understand the others in my class, as well as helping them to understand me.

I had a long talk with my mother, and it turns out that she was always an outsider when she was in school, and didn't want that to me as well. After numerous, tearful, hugs, we seemed to have made up, and we're both trying to work with each other. I am dressing more normally, and being civil with the people at church (even the ones who tell me I'm going to hell).

She is working at being more accepting of The Viking Hordes (what we have decided on calling my friends J ) She actually decided she approves of John, and has been attempting to play matchmaker between the two of us (embarrassing, but kind of cool, too).

Thank you, once again, and I hope this email finds you in good health.

This is so great! I am really psyched you're patching things up with your mom and even more thrilled she is trying to understand you. This rocks and speaks volumes about what kind of mother she is! So many parents don't take the time to really get to know their kids. YOU ARE SO SO SO LUCKY! I hope you know that. Be patient with her. She's trying and make sure you do your part to try to understand her.

This is so amazing. Congrats!

Boyfriend Drives Wedge Between Sisters

Dear Dee:
My older sister and I used to have a good relationship until she met her boyfriend almost two years ago. She's completely changed! She moved out with him in the middle of nowhere and never talks to me!

We get in fights whenever we talk and I tried to tell her how I got depressed while she lived with our family and how I want to not fight and get along and stuff like that but it ends in a fight. I talked to the school counselor about it and she told me she thinks my sister will come around eventually, but it has been TWO years! I don't know what to do. Please help!


Your sister's made a lot of changes in her life and it doesn't sound like those changes have been for the better.

Sometimes, when we do things that aren't exactly 'right' for us or create tension in the family, it makes our attitudes change towards the ones we love. This is what I think has happened with your sis. She has allowed this guy to change what's important to her.

I don't know the situation surrounding her moving out and in with him, but if that caused any conflict in your family, your sister is probably still acting out on that. She is wrong to treat you this way -- and right now, she's more concerned about herself than anything else.

She will come around. And you'll find she will apologize for being such a jerk. She'll feel really bad about being mean to you and upsetting you. And more than likely you'll find you're closer then you've ever been.

Do your best to try to talk to her casually whenever you can. Don't bring up the depression or anything that could make her feel guilty about moving out. Just talk to her -- start with that. Then later, as things get better, you two can start diving into the other stuff again. But just give it time. And most of all, don't give up on her. She's your sister ... you don't get that luxury!

Friend's Distance & Depression Troubling

Dear Dee:
I'm 18, my best friend in the world just started college in another state. Lately when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds really depressed. When I ask her what's wrong, she says she doesn't' want to talk about it, and she sounds like she's about to cry, then she says she has to go. She also just emailed me and said she thinks she's leaving that school, but didn't' say why.

I think she's shutting me out because she thinks I can't understand what she's going through since I'm staying home for college. I feel so sad thinking about her being sad! I want to help, but I don't want to be pushy.

Should I leave her alone for a while or call her up and insist that she tell me what's going on?


There are 100 things that could be bothering your friend right now. Leaving home and being lonely are only a few of them.

As her trusted, good friend, it is your responsibility to be there for her if and when she wants to talk and to encourage her. While it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask her what's wrong, it's more important that when she tells you she doesn't want to talk about it, that you let her know that it's OK if she doesn't want to talk, but when she's ready to, you're there for her to listen and to help.

Until she confides in you, the best you can do is encourage her and reaffirm to her again and again you're there for her by your calls, your conversation and your support. Respect the fact she doesn't want to talk about it. And occasionally, you can most definitely ask her what's up -- but don't make it a sore spot in your conversations by repeatedly bringing it up.

Whatever your friend decides -- to stay away at school or come home -- just remember how special she is to you and how much you really want her to be happy. If she comes home, don't make her feel like a failure. Instead, help her through her decision and her next steps. If she stays away at school, talk her through her loneliness and let her feel your support through your conversations while she's away. Don't let that part of your relationship change. You are both obviously important to each other and distance can't take that kind of friendship away.

Lastly, don't get offended or put out by your friend not wanting to discuss what's happening in her life right now. She will when she's ready. Her behavior doesn't mean she doesn't value you as a friend, it just means she's going through some stuff she's never experienced before and she may not be sure how to handle it. Sometimes, it's hard to admit that to our friends -- especially those friends who we've left behind or maybe teased a little because they're staying home (did she?).

It will all work out and this will make your friendship stronger if you adjust and persevere through it.

I'm Stumped: No One Likes Me

Dear Dee:
At school, no one likes me. They all hate me or they all call me a weirdo. I've been called the b-word lots of times. I've recently been broken up with.

I really liked this boy, but, he liked me at first, then when he found out I liked him, he didn't like me. We went out for a couple weeks, but, it seemed like we never went out at all.

I look my best every day, I do everything i can to get boys to like me, but it never happens. I don't know what to do. I'm in the 8th grade and I'm totally stumped!

So Dee, could you please give me some advice?? I really need the help.

Sometimes, getting people to like you is as simple as changing your mindset. Right now, it appears you're doing all the right things, but for all the wrong reasons.

You shouldn't look your best, act your best and put on your best face just so other people will take notice. You should do it because YOU want to. Because you take pride in yourself and you know you deserve to always put your best foot forward. Don't do this stuff for others. Do it for yourself.

See, when we constantly put ourselves out there just to try to get praise from others we almost guarantee we won't get that praise and will be grossly disappointed. This happens all the time -- you know, when you get a great grade and your parents don't praise you or you get a haircut and no one notices ...So it is just better to do these things for yourself -- and when someone notices, it's bonus and an unexpected surprise.

Quite a few things happen emotionally when you start realizing how important it is to be happy with yourself. You'll find people gravitate towards your self confidence and your great attitude. You'll also find that you're happier with life in general because finally, you're doing things because YOU love to do them and because YOU are calling the shots in your life.

And if you ask guys, there are very few things more attractive to them than a girl who knows what she wants, knows why she wants it and is confident in herself.

So, how about you try really, really hard to start working on your self esteem. Stop thinking about what every one else will say if you wear your hair and makeup a certain way and do things the way you like them because you like them.

I promise you'll see your world so much differently and you'll be happier.

Dream Says I'll Kiss Crush

Dear Dee:
I'm a 14-year-old girl who likes unusual kinds of things, like earth-bound-ghosts, magic-ology, and dreams meaning more than what they appear. I keep having this repetitive dream over and over again. It's about a mix of stuff, but the main part of my dream is about my secret crush.

My dream starts with my whole grade on our 3-day field trip(which is coming up in June.) To make a long story short, I'll skip the unimportant things and get right to the point...I'm seen on a balcony of the hotel we stay at, and my crush is in the other room next to mine(the balcony is the same for the 2 rooms)...I sit out there alone for a minute, then he comes out and starts talking to me. I don't remember what we were talking about, though...but I do remember what happened next.

After a long conversation, my crush comes out saying he really likes me and he always liked me from when we first met, and stuff like that...I won't go into any details, but I was extremely happy to hear him say that. When I asked him how much he liked me, he came closer until he was 3 inches from my face, and said "you tell me" with a smile...um, you can probably figure out what happened next.

He and I are really, really great friends now, but I think this dream could mean something more, like a deja-vu dream...

I think something might happen between the two of us like in my dream. Any advice, Dee?

Who am I to say whether or not a dream holds meaning? I don't pretend to be able to interpret them.

But I can say that the desires of our heart are usually reflected and played out in our dreams (I dream of kissing Wentworth Miller ALL THE TIME in my dreams), the same as our fears (snakes for me) sometimes come out in our dreams. So close your eyes and picture this sweet vision of yours every now and then -- but don't COUNT on it FACT.

I don't say this to discourage you, I say it to you so you won't be looking for that one thing to happen that one particular way -- then MISS OUT on something totally better! You never know. Your crush could kiss you on a balcony on a really cool school field trip. But maybe he'll reveal he likes you in a way that's 100 times better ... (or worse for that matter ... but at least he tells you).


The point is, sometimes we put all of our hopes into one certain scenario and we don't leave room or opportunity for other options and we totally miss the moment. And I don't want this to happen to you.

Enjoy your dreams. Think about them. Treasure them. But, LIVE your life and experience it. Because that's where the REAL magic happens and perfect memories are made.

Kicking a Slutty Wrap

Dear Dee:
Everybody at school thinks I'm a slut but I don't think I am one.

People just think that because a lot of guys like me. All of those people who are saying I'm a slut are spreading it all around school. So now I only have like six friends at school.


Do you have any tips to help me make them think I am not a slut?
Based on the info you've given me, I have no idea why your friends think this. And since I don't know a lot about you, I find this question really hard to answer without asking some offensive questions ... but I am going to do it. And I hope you'll just take what I say to heart if it applies ... and if it doesn't, that's even better (in this case, at least!)

One of two things is going on here: These people are just jealous of the attention you're getting from the guys who like you and they're spreading rumors. Or, they're reading something into something you're doing -- inadvertently maybe -- but it's sending off the vibe.

Could you possibly be dressing inappropriately? There is a difference between sexy and slutty. And at your age, the difference is a thin line. Anything too tight, too revealing or just too grown up looking could give the wrong impression. So look critically at your wardrobe.

Also, I am assuming since you're taking offense to what they're saying -- and a slut is a girl who sleeps around a lot -- that you're not doing that. GREAT! But make sure you don't have ex boyfriends who are spreading rumors just to get back at you for whatever reason. Ideally, it would be great to get that person to renounce their lies ... but that might be difficult.

You also said you think the kids are calling you a slut because a lot of guys like you. Well, are you dating a lot of guys? Even if you're not sleeping around, if you're kind of dating from guy to guy with no real 'break' in between, you're sending the wrong message. Slow down a little bit.

Are you overly flirty and HOW are you flirting? Are you inappropriate or maybe overly touchy? How do you act around guys?

Look, I've thrown out some hard hitting stuff here -- and some reasons why people might be thinking the way they're thinking. The bottom line is, some of this might apply and maybe none of it does. I just ask you to look at what you've got going on and see if there's actual adjustments you should make in your behavior. Because if there's reason behind the reputation, of course, you want to change it.

But maybe you're fine. And the only thing you've done to deserve this slanderous gossip is simply be a beautiful girl who guys happen to gravitate towards. And for that, I'm sorry. The jealous, petty girls spreading the rumors are shameful and very, very sad. And any of your friends who've deserted you because of this are just as pitiful as those spreading rumors.

All you can do is keep your head up and don't let them get to you. Be confident and walk tall and proud. Take solice in the fact their bitterness will make them get disgusting frown lines and wrinkles at an early age and their gossip will return to them one day, like 100 times worse ... because seriously, karma is a total B---- (I can't say it because my mom reads my site ... and a girl's never too old to get yelled at by her momma).

13-Year-Old Chooses to Abstain! YAY

Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and I have a boyfriend who I really love and he loves me, too.

I keep hearing about girls my age getting pressured to have sex. Well, I hate when I sometimes get these feelings that I do want to have sex but then I think about it (do I really want to mess this up now at 13) I'm in 8th grade and we had some classes on abstinence and I am going to stay with my decision not to have sex until marriage but I still get the feeling I want to have sex. What should I do?


The choice to abstain from sex until marriage is absolutely the right choice.

It is what the Bible preaches/teaches and I truly believe a person who marries still a virgin will be blessed during their marriage for obeying and overcoming the temptations. Because we all know, sex is EVERYWHERE!

Just as with everything in life worth waiting for, we are tempted to do things before it's the right time OR before we're ready. Just because you're 13 doesn't mean you're not tempted to have sex. It doesn't mean you won't be pressured to have sex. And just because you've chosen to abstain, doesn't mean you won't want to have sex.

All of this just means you have to overcome those temptations. This is difficult! But it is doable. What you have to realize is what a wonderful, priceless promise you are making to your future husband. You are ensuring you will not suffer through the emotional turmoil of dealing with wondering if you have an STD or if you are pregnancy. You won't have to deal with people whispering about you or thinking your a slut. You also won't have to worry about what the guy will think of you afterwards or the emotional roller coaster a girl rides on after experiencing a break up in a relationship that involved sex.

You have made a decision that will be tested, mocked and maybe will even jeopardize a few of your dating relationships. BUT it will be worth it because you are letting yourself grow up properly and you are doing things right.

Please stay true to your decision. And when you feel the pressure within yourself or by your boyfriend to go further than you're willing to go, take a step back and remember why you're doing this: Because it's right. Because you don't want to grow up too fast and because you want to share it with the love of your life.

It may be old fashioned, but it's still the best decision ever. I am so proud of you.

Broken Up But I Still Want to Kiss Him

Dear Dee:
I'm 16 and am having trouble with my ex. We went out for a month and a week. I liked him a lot but realized he is rather immature and does silly things. He nearly got himself and his best friend kicked out of college.

I decided it was the best thing for us to break up. We broke up a couple of weeks ago and now we're really good friends. The problem is, we kissed last week and have kissed a few times since. But I still don't want to go out with him again. I do still have some feelings for him but not as much and really don't think I want to go back.

Plus I feel I want to meet different people and not have to be in a committed relationship. I want to enjoy being single for a while. I still want to kiss him again though. It's strange and I don't know what to do. Please help!


You're acting totally inappropriate and selfish here. If you don't want to date him, then you have no business kissing him and leading him on! I mean, unless you want to be known as the kind of person who 'macks on anyone casually. It's just not cool ... seriously!

It's fine for you to be friends with him if you can take the physical out of it, but if you can't, then you need to stay away from him for awhile. Right now, you're messing around with him emotionally and physically and this is NOT what nice girls do.

You need to have respect enough for yourself to not just fool around when you already know you're not interested in pursuing a relationship. While it might be the norm in college to casually kiss around, sleep around and mess around with whomever you want, that doesn't make it the right. And while you might be saying to yourself 'it's just a kiss' ... I say to you, 'It's just the start.'

you specifically point out that you don't like his actions and how he doesn't seem to be responsible and mature. What you're doing, shows relationship immaturity and irresponsibility.

If you're broken up, you're broken up. Stop messing around.

Getting Over a Crush

Dear Dee:
I think you give great advice. Thank you so much for doing so. I was wondering if you could help me...

I'm having trouble getting over someone. Last year, I had a HUGE crush on a guy. He's cute, plays the guitar, he has good manners, and he can be sweet. He seems so perfect, but I've heard from many people he's cheated on some of his previous girlfriends, which is one of the reasons why I want to get over him.

Another reason is I'm really embarrassed. I made a complete fool of myself when I was around him. I know he didn't like me, because one of my friends told him my secret, and he said he just didn't like me like that. I was heartbroken, and I kept having mixed emotions. I can't even explain how I felt. So, one day, I went to the school counseling office to talk, because my friends were of no help at all. She suggested she set up a meeting between me, my crush, and herself. It was totally awkward. I barely said anything, because the counselor basically said it all for me.

I don't remember it that well, but I do remember my crush seemed annoyed with me when I tried to be his friend which resulted in him avoiding me throughout the year and the summer.

This year, I've been stand-offish, but we're kinda talking now. He doesn't seem like he has a problem with me. I thought I had gotten over him but, I think I may be starting to get feelings for him again, and I really don't want to.

I'm not allowed to date, and I don't really want to. I've been trying extremely hard not to get too caught up in relationships. My sister tells me life is all about choices, and I can simply choose not to like him, but that method doesn't seem to work for me.

I never want to feel really embarrassed and ashamed like I did before. I'm so stressed out by all this and I don't know what to do. I don't want to do that whole "talking to him" thing again.

I keep telling myself there's someone better out there for me. Do you have any other tips on getting over a guy?

I can't even imagine how you felt when your counselor took it upon herself to intervene in a crush ... I seriously find that ... bizarre. Doesn't seem like that's the kind of thing a school counselor should do! But I am not trained in that area, so I don't know for sure ...

ANYWAY, you've got to stop letting that scene haunt you and try to move past it. Your sister is right: Life IS about choices. It's about making smart, solid choices. BUT, unfortunately, you can't choose sometimes you who love.

What you can do, is recognize that you do actually dig this guy, BUT that right now, he's not the right guy for you and it's not the right time to get into a relationship with him. Who knows what'll happen in the future, but right now isn't the time.

Keeping your distance is wise. It allows you to not only heal, but it helps both of you get over the awkwardness of last year's experience. He needs to stop thinking of you as the girl who has the crush on him and start looking at you differently. See, you already said you felt he was annoyed with you last year -- and that's because the whole counselor incident probably made you appear a little desperate to him. By keeping your distance and having the occasional conversation you'll reverse that.

There are no absolute tricks to getting over a guy you're crushing on, but keeping busy and diving into something you really love always helps! Pick up a few of your hobbies again. Hang out with your friends. And when they ask you about him, shrug it off and move on to another topic. Do all you can to just think of something else.

It will just take time. And if you're meant to date a little later this year or next or whenever, you'll know it and you'll be stronger. You'll also know how to play it a little better.

Hey, don't sweat it and stop being embarrassed. He's just a guy and rest assured he's done tons of embarrassing things, too.

Two-Year Age Difference a Problem?

Dear Dee:
I like this guy who may be a bit older then me but both of us like one other!
What should I do if we are 2 years apart?


Two years really isn't that big of a deal in the general scheme of age differences, but remember that if we're talking 16 & 18, this guy is legally an adult -- and it's illegal for him to date a minor.

Also, keep in mind that in relationships where age is a factor, expectations can also be different based on maturity and what a person is looking for in a relationship. For instance a person who's 17 or 18 might be ready for something a little more serious than some one's who 15 or 16.

It is just important to use discretion when dating someone who's older when you're a teen. Later in life, it's seriously no biggie and if you date an older guy or a younger guy, it's your business. But at this time in your life, it is important to be a little more careful.

Make sure your relationship expectations are about the same. Also, you two might have different ideas of where this relationship can go. For instance, if he's 17, he's thinking of college. And you, at 15 are just trying to get through sophomore year and get asked to homecoming.

Also, as a more experienced guy, he might expect more physically than what you are ready to -- or should even think of giving right now. (Not that it's OK for him, either ... but ...)

So just be smart. It's so easy to fall for the older guy -- for some reason they're cuter than guys your age and they drive and ugh ... they totally know how to kiss ... but they're also moving in a different direction than what you are ... college, jobs, futures, etc ... So is it really the smartest thing to do? Well, that's the hard part ... right?

But if you really, really think about it, you can come to the right conclusion. ... I know you can.

Making a Class Switch: Smart?

Dear Dee:
Last semester my best friend and I were in the same elective. We both had a lot of fun but now a new semester is coming. This time around my best friend and I are in different electives.

She has already asked me to switch electives to be in the same one as she is. I kinda want to switch electives so we could be in the same class. If I don't switch electives I'd only see my best friend at lunch. I was talking to my mom about this and she said I probably shouldn't do it. What do you think, Dee? Thanks in advance!


OK. Call me Ms. Practical here, but which elective is better for furthering your education? Which elective interests you more?

While I totally get you wanting to hang with your friend during class, that's really more of a class perk than a prerequisite. Your class schedule and your class load should be based entirely on what you need to get a great education.

So, with that in mind, what is the best choice?

I know ... count on Dee to take all the fun out of selecting classes ... ugh.

What's Your Problem, Girl?

I was listening to one of my fave artists earlier this week and came across a song I thought all of you should listen to -- especially when the people who surround you tell you you're troubled or weird or not worth listening to ...

These lyrics ROCK & you can also hear the song here: Rob Thomas's 'Problem Girl.'

Enjoy and be encouraged!

Don't let 'em get where they're going to
You know they're only what they think of you
You heard of this emotional trickery
And you felt like you were learning the ropes
But where you're going now you don't know

And when the kids on the street say
What's your problem girl
And the weight of their smile's just
Too much for you to bear
When they all make you feel
Like you're a problem girl
Remember
You're no problem at all
You're no problem at all

Pride like promises can let you down
You thought that you'd be feeling
Better by now
You worry all the things they could do to you
You worry about the things they could say
Maybe you're seeing things the wrong way

Try
If you stand or you fall
You're no problem at all


HELP! Midterm Study Frenzy

Dear Dee:
I'M STRESSING OUT! My midterms are next week, and it seems like I don't know how to study. It's a problem for me, because midterms mean a lot on my grade.

Can you help me in anyway?


The best formula I have found to study for tests in high school and in college is to totally commit MURDERS ... not the illegal kind, but the totally legal kind that doesn't harm ANYONE! Check it out:

Mood: Study in positive surroundings, free from distractions and noises. Also believe in yourself and your ability to absorb the information.

Understand: Don't just memorize it ... UNDERSTAND it. If you don't get it, you can't possibly expect it to be easy for you to RECALL it.

Recall: Figure out cute ways to memorize facts. We're not talking the Hannah Montana BONE DANCE or anything, but something that jives with how you learn.

Digest: Digesting your study facts is the perfect combination of Understanding and recollection -- it means the info has totally clicked with you and is not only engraved in your brain, but is now a part of your knowledge base.

Expand: Don't look at expanding on your information as more work -- think of it as a way for you to achieve understanding, recollection and digestion. Expansion allows you to really get to the core of what you need to know.

Review: This is where study partners come in ... reread those chapters, glance over those notes and quiz until you go crazy ...

Sleep: Don't underestimate the power of a good night's rest before test night. Don't cram late the night before -- pace your studying the week before your test so you just have to review the night before ... then eat right and turn in early.

If you follow this strategy, you'll do a great job on those tests. Trust me.

Overwhelmed at Home & School

Dear Dee:
To me at this point at my life, it sucks. being middle school is so hard for me I can barely keep up with my school work and people treat me like I'm some kind of freak or something or cast me aside like garbage.

On top of that, I have family issues. Sometimes I wish I can get away from it all. The only way I can is to read or draw. It's like when I'm reading, I am in my own world where I can be alone. And when I draw I let my feelings show.

But, with my parents working, a lazy talkative 17-year-old, two younger sisters I have to keep from tearing at each other's throats and a feisty 2-year-old cousin, who do you think gets stuck with all the work?

So you can only be imagine right know what I go through every day. I only have one question to ask you, what do I do?


You keep your head up and keep your outlook positive.

You are lucky in that you have hobbies you love -- reading and drawing are excellent escapes from life around you and it is important for you to take that time whenever you start to feel overwhelmed or at a breaking point. Everyone needs 'me' time and with the demands of your home life and your school schedule, it's extremely important!

Also, I know you are trying to help your parents, but it is important to let them know you're feeling overwhelmed in all you've taken on at home. Granted, a certain amount of help is required and expected -- but it might be that they've given you a little more responsibility than you're ready to take on. So, you should talk to them.

Just be sure that when you do this, you are respectful and truthful. Tell them how you feel.

You know, middle school is hard. And there is no excuse for how you're being treated at school. But I would encourage you to keep your head up and know that you are extremely valuable and important. If these kids around you can't see that, that's their loss. And one day, you're outshine them all. I know it. Just do your best to get through it and keep your head up. You are a very important part of this world and you have a purpose that is only yours to fulfill. Remember that. It should make you feel so very special knowing that you are unique and destined to something great and a life only you can live to its fullest.

Don't forget it.

Two Guys, One Girl & The Wrong Path

Dear Dee:
I'm 18 years old and I thought I had started to understand what I wanted from a guy.

I started dating one guy, who is very shy, not use to dating but he is absolutely amazing and I love him. He is everything I look for in a guy except for the fact I wish he had more experience with girls (I don't mean strictly sexual).

It would make him set off more confidence and it's just attractive to me. Then, there is another guy who I have known for a while but the other night we got a chance to hang out and now I'm kind of crushing on him. I know with the second guy I'm totally lusting, but I can tell there is a bit more to it and I'm scared and confused.

I always have this fear in the back of my mind: What if I leave my boyfriend for the other guy and it just is lust? Or we date and find we're wrong for each other soon after we start dating? OR what if I don't leave my boyfriend and the second guy was better for me?

I think I have the answer hidden inside me somewhere. I just cannot find it. I have no one else to ask but you.

Girl, you have tons more problems than figuring out if you should jump from one guy to the next ... and it's the fact you want to jump from one guy to the next!

Come on! You're 18 and you're telling me you wish your boyfriend had more experience with girls -- and not just sexually? This is a sad statement of where you are in your life. And it's time to wise up.

You are 18. You shouldn't know what an experienced guy does sexually or otherwise. And, you shouldn't limit yourself to thinking you already have it all figured out regarding what you want in a guy.

Listen, I say all this to get you to think about where you are in your life. And to get you to realize how important your choices are right now. Don't mess around with sex -- you don't seem to even know what it means or what it is meant to mean.

And secondly, you can't say you love your boyfriend, but in the same breath talk about lusting after one of his friends. This isn't right. I think your biggest fear in choosing between these two guys is seriously, just being alone. And frankly, that's exactly what I think you need. You need time to get it together and to focus on what an 18-year-old is supposed to be thinking about -- college, career and future.

I won't dive into your moral dilemma of 'what ifs' I really think they're irrelevant in what is really going on right now ... please, think about it. I want the best for you and right now, you aren't close to achieving that in your relationships.

Afraid Shyness Will Get In the Way

Dear Dee:
At school I am really quiet. I don't know why it's just who I am. I have a lot of cool friends and all but I just hate being so quiet!

I was wondering if you could give me some tips to break out of my shell and start talking more. Also, I like this boy a lot and I think he will ask me out but I'm scared to say yes.

I have never had a boyfriend before. I'm 14. I'm just very scared because I know I will be shy doing things with him and I don't know what I should do. I feel if I'm quiet around him he will stop liking me but I really want to be with him.

Don't worry about being too shy if this guy asks you out. ... He likes you for you. And part of being you is your shyness.

There is a mystery and innocence about shyness and as long as you don't let being shy overtake you and freak you out, it's not a problem.

Sounds like what you need to do is decide you won't let being shy become the trait that defines who you are. Your shyness is a part of your personality, but it shouldn't keep you from exploring life, enjoying it and making as many friends as you want to.

Whenever you feel your being shy overtaking you or making you scared to 'get out there,' just take a quick step back, breath and gather up your confidence. And when you feel like you can't find that confidence, just dig a little deeper. It's there. You just have to believe in it. Seriously! It's true!

Don't worry about this guy. If you like him, and he likes you just go with it and have fun. Don't get caught up worrying about being shy. Worrying about it is the easiest way for you to actually have problems. Just let it happen and be confident.

Close Friend Shows Two Sides

Dear Dee:
I have this friend and we've been close for three years. I love her, she's awesome ... sometimes.

Other times, though, she's just terrible. We all tease her, but she singles ME out and says I'm a hateful person. She never comes to my birthday parties or slumber parties because she "just doesn't feel like it." Which, as far as I'm concerned, isn't very nice because she never forks that excuse out to my other friends.

We tried to talk to her one morning, and she walks off saying how she hates having to come in the morning because she has to talk to us!

I really want to talk to her, but she gets really defensive and says I'm acting stupid. What should I do?


Well, I can't say you don't deserve for her to be a little testy with you if you're among the ones who tease, too.


There are several different types of teasing. And all I can think is that your friend really doesn't like to be teased -- regardless of whether it's hurtful teasing or teasing in fun. Maybe that's why she doesn't come to your parties. And maybe she is a little more hateful to you because she considers you a special friend and is more hurt by your teasing.

I really don't know. I am just throwing out what could possibly be the case. You should ease off the teasing -- even when others are doing it and see how she reacts to that. You should also pull her aside and have a heart-to-heart with her, letting her know how much you value her friendship and enjoy her company. You said yourself she's awesome when she's not being hateful. So see if this softens her up a bit. Also let her know you are really going to try to back off of the teasing ... OK?

If this doesn't change your friend's disposition a little, then there is probably some underlying issues with her personally. And if she's the kind of friend you want to keep around, try to help her.

Girlfriend Equals Tension Between Guy Friends

Dear Dee:
My guy friend is with this girl I don't care for and he won't have anything to do with me anymore. He says when we were friends I was too needy.

All I wanted was to see him sometimes but because of his work and him going to college and him spending most of his time with this girl, I never got to see him. Well, now we are talking again a little but he still doesn't get the fact I disapprove of this relationship. He says I still have feelings for him, more than a friend should, which is so far from the truth. I want his friendship back but if he all he's going to do is keep treating me this way what should I do?


If you really want your friendship back, then you need to back off the girlfriend. Unless you have extremely valid reasons your friend should care about for not liking her, you need to stay quiet and leave him alone about his relationship. You've already told him you don't like her -- so enough said. He's a big boy -- and you've made your opinion known -- he has the right to share your opinion or disregard it. So, let him. Don't force what you believe onto him. Your trying to do this will most definitely keep that wedge firmly between your friendship.

I rarely have heard of one guy telling his friend he's too needy, but if your friend feels your suffocating him, then really all you can do is back off. Don't continually try to verbally convince him you're not needy. Show him. Don't call all the time. Don't complain about not spending time with him. Don't make him uncomfortable by telling him how much you value his friendship.

The truth is, some guys are great at expressing themselves and take that expression well and others don't. You're obviously expressive and that expressiveness seems to freak your friend out!

I know I keep saying it, but seriously the answer to all your friendship problems with this guy is to either back off or call it quits. There normally isn't a negotiation point when one person in a friendship feels smothered. Sorry! Wish I could be more help for ya.

He's Not Ready for a Relationship

Dear Dee:
Well I heard about your website and I thought coming to you for advice would be the best idea. There's this guy I like ... I mean REALLY LIKE ... almost to the point where I think I'm in love.

We've been talking for about 3 months now, and he's told me he liked me a lot, too. Just a couple days ago he said he loved me. Throughout the times we've been talking, we've gotten closer and closer. I trust him with anything, I know he's got my back and all and he just seems so perfect. His friends come up to me all the time talking about how much he talks about me, and it seemed like everybody knew about us.

We aren't going out, but with the kind of relationship we had, it seemed as if that's what the next step was going to be. But just recently, he calls me up with the strangest thing ever... He tells me he "isn't ready for a relationship."

This has me thinking, because he totally made me think we were going somewhere with this. I mean, I respect him for actually telling me this beforehand so I wouldn't get hurt, but I am and it's killing me.

How do I know if he's still willing to be with me, but just not RIGHT NOW? And would it be the best idea for me to wait for him? We agreed on having nothing change in our relationship but I don't see how that's possible if were not aiming for anything.

I have NO PROBLEM staying friends with him. But it's been so long and I like him so much, I really want to be in a relationship. I'm totally confused. HELP.


Whoa. This is harsh. He actually should've told you a long time ago he didn't want a relationship. Seriously! He should've blurted that out the very second you two started talking about feelings of any kind. And really, that's just kind of something you discuss when you talk as much as it seems the two of you do. So, this is most definitely a strike against this guy in my book.

Asking him if you should wait won't do you any good. It makes you appear desperate and that never really plays well with guys. So while it's painful, you should try your hardest to move on. Cut back on the conversations. Pull back enough to make him notice but not enough to destroy your friendship.

This will accomplish one of two things: Help you get over him OR make him realize he really DOES want to get with you and he doesn't want to lose you. I am not saying that's what's going to happen, but who knows, right? He might just be taking you for granted right now thinking you'll always be there for him. And you pulling back a little might be all it takes to let him know he's not calling all the shots in your relationship.

Take care of yourself here. He's already stepped on you once and we don't want that to happen again. So this seems like the best approach. Please let me know what happens and don't get discouraged. If this one doesn't work out there are TONS of great guys out there ... and most are just looking for a great girl like you to have a relationship with.

Really, They're Cheaters Disguised As Friends

Dear Dee:
These girls I know are friends with me, but I think they only like me because I don't get mad at them when they copy my homework. It also seems like they deliberately date the guys I like. What should I do? Should I still be their friend?


These girls are most definitely NOT your friends. They are using you -- and frankly, it's because you're a doormat. And you need to stop.

Stand up for yourself and for what you know is right. You know it's bad to cheat. You know you can get into a lot of trouble for letting these girls cheat off of you. So, next time they ask to see your homework and want you to give them the answers, just tell them you can't. And while it will be hard, you'll be doing the right thing.

If these girls choose not to associate with you anymore because you've told them to actually do their own work, then that's their loss. But maybe, just maybe, you telling them they need to do their own work will make them realize that very same thing. See, it's easier to do wrong when everyone is going along with it. But sometimes it just takes one voice of descent to say 'I'm gonna do what's right' to make the whole group change their tune. This is what I hope happens here.

If not, keep your head up and don't lose hope. You will find better friends who are more deserving of you and what you have to bring to the friendship. I promise you that.