Dear Dee:
I have a kind of screwy relationship with my parents. My dad was really not nice to me when I was younger. Whenever I wet the bed, he hit me very hard on the backside, so that it bruised, and then made me sleep on the floor. Once he broke the light fixture on accident when he ripped the blankets off the bed, and I had to sleep on the broken glass, but I didn't get cut or anything.
When I was having night terrors, and would sometimes come into my parents room to make sure they weren't dead like they were in my dream, Mom would tie my door shut from the outside so that I couldn't get out. She sometimes slaps me on the arms or calls me dirty names, or touches me in ways that I don't like (not sexual, but I was hurt by a babysitter as a kid, and I can't stand anyone touching my neck or back.) When I ask her about calling me names, she says that she 'was only teasing', and if I ask her not to touch me, she says she doesn't remember ever touching me, so I must have dreamt it, or I'm confused.
But sometimes they're really, really nice to me. I've been sick for two years and they always were so nice when I was in the hospital or in a lot of pain. Whenever I was really sick, they were suddenly the best parents in the world. Mom's also really nice to me when I get good grades on my tests. She tells me that I'm smart and pretty, and will have a good life.
But when I get a bad grade, she tells me that if I don't start 'applying' myself, I'll end up fat and worthless and married to an abusive drunk who will make me have a lot of children, and that I'll never hold a job or be able to write.
I love them very much, but they only love me when I'm their ideal of a perfect daughter, or so it seems. I'm really confused, and all I want, more than anything, is for them to love me. How do I get my mom and dad to love me all the time, instead of just when I manage to be 'perfect'?
The emotional agony you're suffering because you just want to get positive attention and love from your parents totally rips me up inside. I wish I had answers for you, but this is an area I just can't give you solid advice in. I urge you to contact someone at one of our family crisis hotlines and talk through this with a professional.
There is truly something dysfunctional and not right about what you're dealing with and you shouldn't have to deal with conditional love from your parents. Parental love should be there through the good, bad and the ugly. And while I know it's painfully difficult, you need to realize you may never please them and focus on making yourself happy.
You are worth happiness despite what your parents say or do. You can and will succeed despite how they've treated you and you must realize that. You must do all you can to rise above this pitiful family/home life they've given you and live a happy, full life despite them.
You can do this. You've just got to dig down and find the strength to overcome it. I know you have this strength. I can sense it in your words.
Please talk to someone on the hotlines or talk to a counselor at school. I beg you. And please keep me posted.
Being Happy, Despite Dysfunctional Home
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3 comments:
Dee, I love your advice. Some of the advice you've given to other people has really helped me through some tough times... ok, so to the reader, your mother verbally abusing you is just plain wrong. and then saying she was just joking is even worse. My parents do that all the time and I hate it. But what I do is tell them that it hurts my feelings that they say things like that whether they're joking or not, and to please not say things like that anymore. They've started doing it less and less now because of that, and you should try it. The key thing in that is to tell them that whether or not they're joking it hurts. I hope this helps, and good luck with your parents!
This is really sad story and I feel sorry 4 her
To the writer of this post, I have a slight idea what you're going through. This is what I did: I withdrew from them, and turned inward. If my parents can't give me a positive opinion, then why should I value their opinion. Let me tell you a little secret: Parents make mistakes and do not always set good examples for their kids. In fact, a lot of times, parents will take out their own resentment towards their parents on their kids. Just like the nickname for spanking your children is "throwing an adult temper-tantrum". If I can't get approval from someone after so many tries, I stop seeking it from them. It is very important that you watch your own behavior very carefully though. I'm guessing you're a female (though I could be wrong, I'm sorry if I am)A lot of times when girls can't get the love they need at home, they look for it elsewhere, and this can get them into trouble. Girls who are constantly seeking love and affection outside of their home generally turn to boys before they are ready, and they allow themselves to be hurt, used, and abused by boys/men and the amount of pain they are willing to endure is no match for their need to hear the words "I love you". Trust me, I've been there, I know.
Conditional love is about control. It is a tactic to mold you into the person they want you to become, because you constantly seek the approval of your parents and you want their acceptance, so you they know that's what motivates you to stay on the path they lead you on. They "condition" you to feel good when you do what they want and to feel bad when you do something they don't like. Be aware of this pattern, and as you grow up, be extra careful not to adapt your own personality to the destructive behavior they display. Be awre that they're setting a negative example. Do not follow that exaple or you will end up doing the same thing to your kids. We generally take in what we see around us as how we are supposed to do things. It is a learned behavior, and we often use our parents as sounding boards for learning right from wrong. But if your parents want you to learn right from wrong, they have to demonstrate that they know right from wrong. Unfortunately sometimes the wires get crossed, and we end up teaching them. Anyway, good luck with your situation. Hold your head up high and don't allow anyone else in thiw whole world to dictate how you feel about yourself.
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