Dear Dee:
Please help me.
I don't know what to do with myself. I was diagnosed with depression about 4 years ago and I was sent to a psychiatrist. He was less than helpful: He told me I was wacko, crazy, a nut job; He told me I didn't really have friends and people only hung out with me to see how normal they were in comparison.
He made me feel worse and worse. I hated seeing him and then one day, he physically hurt me to prevent me from leaving a session early. That was the last straw and I stopped seeing him. He continued to fill my medication prescriptions for another 6 months or so without seeing me. Then my parents told me he wouldn't fill any more prescriptions unless I saw him again.
I refused and the meds stopped (this was about 18 months ago). After only 2 months off the meds, I was miserable again and started hurting myself again. I've been hurting myself almost 5 years and the longest I've even gone in between is those 6 months when I was on the meds and not seeing the psychiatrist.
I burn myself with matches and with salt and ice. Lately it's been getting worse and worse, both the depression and the SI. I don't care about my grades, I don't care about anything. I haven't applied to colleges and I'm graduating in June. I know I need help but I'm afraid to go to a psychiatrist again, what with my past experience.
I'm afraid to even talk to my parents at all, to even hint that maybe I'm not OK. I get really scared about talking. Often I can't even bring myself to ask for something as trivial as a ride to a friend's house, let alone tell them that I'm depressed and hurting myself and kind of feeling like dying (I'm not going to kill myself. I just don't really care if I die).
I'm afraid to call a hotline (will the number show up on my parent's phone bill?). I can't talk to a guidance counselor without getting suspended from school for being "a danger to myself or others". I don't even really know if I want to stop hurting myself. It helps so much.
I'm so desperate, I'm thinking about trying pot or something to make everything stop hurting. I know that's really stupid and will only make things worse in the long run. I could never bring myself to talk to a dealer anyway. But things are bad.
I just don't know what to do.
You know, I don't even come close to having the expertise to help you deal with the problems you have. You admit you have a problem and I am so glad you reached out to me for help. But on that front, all I can do is urge you to seek professional help -- whether it be through a one of the help hotlines here (No, it won't show up on a bill because the numbers I offer are 800 numbers) or through a counselor at school. The counselor at school is not there to condemn you -- he/she is there to help you. Still, if you are not comfortable talking to someone at school, how about reaching out to a local youth pastor at a church? A youth leader could give you some guidance spiritually, emotionally and is trained to help you with your SI problems, too. I encourage you, please get help as soon as possible.
And while I don't want to come off as just feeding you a line, I do want you to know you are a very special person. I don't know you, but what I do know is there is not a single person on this earth who is like you. I know that you have a beautiful purpose in your life and that God made you and only you with that purpose in mind. So don't belittle your self worth by continually hurting yourself and diminishing the value of your life by saying you don't care if you die.
I know it seems hopeless. But there is more than hope out there for you -- there is true meaning. And that meaning will begin to be seen once you get help and start to see things clearly. Trust in it because I promise you, it is there.
Please get help. You've already taken the step to ask me for it -- and while I can't solve your problems, I do feel I am supposed to tell you that you're important and that God has a purpose for you. Now, your next steps are to accept it and seek it.
I really want to know how you are doing, so please keep me posted and let me know where you've turned for help. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily.
SI, Depression Make Life Seem Hopeless
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The following is a bit unorthodox, but please dont erase!!
First off, I too suffered with depression for many years. Throughout junior high and highschool I constantly regressed into severe states of depression. My GF in HS thought I was bipolar and urged me to get help all the time. I had suicide thoughts beginning as early as ten years old. At first it was more curiosity than anything, but by the time I reached seventh grade those thoughts were fully manifested into real desire. In HS, I CONSTANTLY thought about killing myself. It was all the time. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I would walk into school every morning and just think, "ahh this would be a good day to die." There were a few nights that I walked over to the train tracks by my house, hoping that I would have the courage to follow through. I never did. But I still retained some hope, evey time I got in a car, that it would be my final ride. Man, I really wanted it.
Well, its been sometime now and I havent had any suicide thoughts for a really long time.
So what did I do to help this? I cant exactly pinpoint it, but I can tell you whats changed in the time since.
Towards the end of HS (around april), I started smoking pot. I had refrained for four years to ensure that my grades wouldnt be in the D range. So feeling a bit more relaxed about that, I decided it was time for me to experiment a lil.
I bought some from my friend. It helped. It helped because when I started getting high, it offered me a completely NEW persepective on life. Life suddenly seemed like it wasnt 'the same old sh-t.' I wasnt just waiting for some car accident to kill me anymore. I was actually enjoying life! I was laughing a lot, and things seemed "new" and ideas seemed more exciting.
After percieving life through the marijuana lens, I eagerly wanted to look at it through the lens of another drug.
I know what you're thinking...."the gateway drug," lol well my story is fairly unusual.
Smoking opened up a connection to a large portion of my school's social circles: The pot smokers. I soon began talking to classical 'stoners' and they talked about mushrooms and LSD. Mmm Psychodelics.
The way one kid described mushrooms to me was that, "the trees looked like they were dancing, and my hands felt like they sank into the grass forever, and the spot light on the field made me feel like I was floating off the ground." Wow! I told myself that I had to try that drug before I died. Pretty soon, my thoughts became filled with trying to aquire such mushrooms and I completely forgot about me wanting to kill myself.
I couldnt get them, so I got lsd instead. I ate a couple of hits, and tripped bawls for about 12+ hours.
My first LSD experience was a spiritual rebirth for me. I saw life in its fantastically delicious logically pleasing perfection. Colors were bright, the walls were breathing, words looked like water, my body felt great, my food tasted super good, and I was able to visualize so many things. And everything I did felt so NEW and so EXCITING. I literally just wanted to walk around and 'do stuff.' I was able to see the beauty in everything. I was able to see God in everything.
After that trip, I felt that life was so different. Life was so beautiful. Life was full of so much color, so much energy, so much reward, and I wanted to soak up all of it.
...this is where I start making a few mistakes....
Then I graduated HS, which I hated. This may very well be a contributing factor as to why I no longer experienced suicidal thoughts.
So after HS I got pretty heavy into drug use....which can have some detremental effects. I wouldnt reccommend it.
Anyway, I do not advocate getting involved in drugs. But, it might help if you try one of them once or twice to give you a fresh PERSPECTIVE. A new way to look at life.
The end of HS or the beginning of college can also produce a new perspective.
Warning notes and
The real truth about drugs:
Alcohol: Makes things fun for a while. Makes you social, horny and stupid. This is the real gateway drug. Super addicting too!
Marijuana: I do not reccommend that girls smoke pot. Studies show long term pot use has a high risk of furthering depression in females.
Hash: The Greater Marijuana.
LSD: This is one of the most powerful psychoactives known to man. It can be the happiest drug ever or the most terrifying. Read about it first!!
Ecstacy: Has also given me spiritual experiences and redoubled my zest for life. But this also destroys seratonin! You need seratonin to learn!
Mushrooms: The lesser LSD.
Coke: waste of money, no useful purposes other than making you a more alert driver and a speed talker.
Heroin: PURE NASTY SH-T.
Adderall: Christian Cocaine. Super cheap and super powerful. Addicting too!
Anyway, hopefully you can take something away from all this. Learn from my mistakes, dont get too involved. But be open minded to new experiences, they could save your life.
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