Friend's Distance & Depression Troubling

Dear Dee:
I'm 18, my best friend in the world just started college in another state. Lately when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds really depressed. When I ask her what's wrong, she says she doesn't' want to talk about it, and she sounds like she's about to cry, then she says she has to go. She also just emailed me and said she thinks she's leaving that school, but didn't' say why.

I think she's shutting me out because she thinks I can't understand what she's going through since I'm staying home for college. I feel so sad thinking about her being sad! I want to help, but I don't want to be pushy.

Should I leave her alone for a while or call her up and insist that she tell me what's going on?

There are 100 things that could be bothering your friend right now. Leaving home and being lonely are only a few of them.

As her trusted, good friend, it is your responsibility to be there for her if and when she wants to talk and to encourage her. While it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask her what's wrong, it's more important that when she tells you she doesn't want to talk about it, that you let her know that it's OK if she doesn't want to talk, but when she's ready to, you're there for her to listen and to help.

Until she confides in you, the best you can do is encourage her and reaffirm to her again and again you're there for her by your calls, your conversation and your support. Respect the fact she doesn't want to talk about it. And occasionally, you can most definitely ask her what's up -- but don't make it a sore spot in your conversations by repeatedly bringing it up.

Whatever your friend decides -- to stay away at school or come home -- just remember how special she is to you and how much you really want her to be happy. If she comes home, don't make her feel like a failure. Instead, help her through her decision and her next steps. If she stays away at school, talk her through her loneliness and let her feel your support through your conversations while she's away. Don't let that part of your relationship change. You are both obviously important to each other and distance can't take that kind of friendship away.

Lastly, don't get offended or put out by your friend not wanting to discuss what's happening in her life right now. She will when she's ready. Her behavior doesn't mean she doesn't value you as a friend, it just means she's going through some stuff she's never experienced before and she may not be sure how to handle it. Sometimes, it's hard to admit that to our friends -- especially those friends who we've left behind or maybe teased a little because they're staying home (did she?).

It will all work out and this will make your friendship stronger if you adjust and persevere through it.