From Pen Pal to Addiction ... But There's More ...

I went on a chat room site out of boredom once, and met a cheeky and funny girl. I had no idea what she looked like and never asked how old she was. We had a laugh, and she gave me her MSN add.

I never added a stranger before, but I thought "why not?!". I then saw her picture, and found her to be very pretty. So I guess I had the extra motivation to continue talking to her. Eventually I found out she was 16, but I'm 20. It didn't really matter, I just thought of her as a pen pal anyway.

About 2 months after meeting her online, we realized we had spoken to each other every day! We got on really well and I was starting to get addicted to her. I was going away for the weekend and didn't want to end our run of 2 months without speaking each day. So we exchanged numbers.

I've even done loads of video calls with her (which she suggested, some lasting up to 7 hours) and still, I can't get enough of her! I actually only live 30 minutes drive from where she lives, which probably made it more exciting when we first met. But I am currently working abroad for 1 year. Which doesn't allow me to meet her freely or get into a relationship. I've told her I have a crush on her, and she told me that she feels the same way about me too.

I want to see her during my Christmas break to see if we are comfortable in person, but I have so many questions running around my mind. To sum a few of them up: - Is it right for me to feel this way about a 16-year-old girl? If someone asked me, "would you date a 16 year old?", I would have said no. But now that this is happening to me, I am starting to feel differently.

Is it possible to feel this way about someone you met on the internet? Even if I have seen her in video calls, but not met her in person. - Is it good that I am out of the country for 1 year? When I move back, she will be 17, whether that would make it better? Does it prove that I can't possibly want to rush her into anything? I know 4 years shouldn't be a big deal. But 16-20 does feel morally bigger. Hence why I am asking for an opinion.

Hey thanks for the question. I am impressed you're debating this within and it shows you have character and want to do the right thing.

The difference between 16-20 IS morally bigger than an adult age difference. It just is. Your life experiences are different, your needs are different and your worldviews are different. Remember, this girl still has to get permission from mom and dad to stay out past 10 on a school night -- that's not something you have to do now, is it?

I have no doubt your feelings are real. People fall in love over the internet all the time! It is a perfectly acceptable way to meet someone -- as long as you're careful and smart.

If you really want to stay in touch with this girl, I don't really see a problem with it as long as you absolutely INSIST she tell her parents. My gut tells me she hasn't done that. And nothing would look worse to a parent than finding out, on their own, that their teen daughter had been talking online with a sneaky 20-year-old. Sounds icky, right? Well it is. So, be the stand-up mature guy you are and tell her you're not going to talk to her anymore until she tells her parents.

Secondly, if you do want to spend some time with her over the holidays, make sure her parents are cool with it, that you respect her curfew, their wishes and most of all, the fact this girl is still a minor. And don't delude yourself into thinking this girl is beyond her years -- she may be more mature -- she may be your soul mate -- and she may just be the best thing that's ever happened to you -- but nothing good can come of it if you don't respect where she is in her life and the fact she lives under different rules than you right now.

Your going away is actually a good thing. It'll keep you two out of trouble, it'll help you see if there's any real potential there and lastly, it'll give her another year to grow up.

Tread lightly here, my friend and use your common sense. Don't rush anything. Keep everything on the up and up and be respectful of her parents and her age. Hopefully, that'll help you keep things in perspective and allow you to figure out what your next steps are.

Good luck!