Dear Dee:
I am 19 years old and in my second year of university. I found the transition from High School to University very difficult, but now that I'm in my second year, I feel much more comfortable. I have made few friends, but we're becoming very close and I'm so happy about that.
What I'm writing to ask advice for is, my friends are very open sexually. They talk about their hook-ups and experiences easily and are now wondering about me. The truth is, I'm 19 and NEVER been kissed!
I almost find it embarassing - I feel like a little girl when they talk ... they say stuff and I blush and do my best not to laugh, but on the inside, I feel left out and almost weird in a world where I see people kissing on the street corners and the who-knows-what at parties, and there I am, the loser who hasn't had a simple kiss!
Any advice for me?
Do NOT be embarrassed. And there is no reason in this world you should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, this world is totally screwed up when girls talk about their sexual exploits as casually as they talk about the sale at the shoe store. YOU are the one in the right here. These other girls are wrong. And while that's hard for you to see, it is the truth.
It absolutely sickens me how our society has made sex such a casual, conversational thing. It is disgusting how it is a symbol of status among guys and girls. It is VERY VERY wrong!
Let me tell you this: While you're sitting there, listening to the girls talk about their latest one-nighter, and acting like it was a conquest. What they're not telling you is how they're really burying the fact there was no emotional attachment. They’re not talking about the fact that even though they were 'protected,' there's still a part of them that wonders if they'll get pregnant or a disease. They're not talking about how they feel cheap and disgusting because the guy they had sex with probably doesn't even remember their names.
Oh oh ... and let's not forget this extremely disgusting fact: When people sleep around casually, each sexual encounter isn't just with one person, it's with pretty much every person that person has had sex with and so on and so on ... UGH! THAT IS SO SO SO SO GROSS!
OK. So we've talked about 'what they're not saying ...' now let's talk about what they're not doing, OK?
These girls aren't allowing themselves to experience something meaningful with their future husbands. They're not saving anything to give to the one person they are committing their lives to. They aren't realizing they are SPECIAL enough and WORTH WAITING FOR.
And you know what? You are! When you experience the kiss you'll know you're ready and you're mature enough to handle it. You'll know what you want in a guy and you'll be able to choose accordingly.
See, these girls deep down, know what they're doing is inappropriate and wrong. But when they talk about it and are able to share their experiences collectively, they're validating their behavior to themselves ... thinking that it's OK because others are doing it, too.
Don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. Not to be cliché, but you are a RARE jewel and the guy who finds you is so so so lucky. You are worth it. You are worth waiting for. And you're 'lack' of their type of experience is not a slight against you. And that's how you should portray it if you decide to tell them.
You're a great example. And you know what? I'm proud to know you!
Embarassed When Friends Talk Sex
SAT Panic Sets In: Time for Encouragement
Dear Dee:
I am a senior in high school and my average is a 76. I realize it should be higher, but I was a procrastinator and gave up on myself.
I have second honors this year and am trying to work my way up. I am also an athlete who can get a full-ride scholarship to an out of state college, but in order to do so I HAVE to get 940 with the Math and Critical Reading combined, and so far have gotten a 760.
My critical reading scores are in the high 400's, but my math scores are in the low 300's. I have registered for the March SAT, and have been studying every day. I have out of state colleges interested in giving me scholarships, but they are waiting to see my SAT scores. I want to believe everything will be okay but I feel like giving up. What should I do?
NEVER ... NEVER ... NEVER EVER give up on yourself and what you can do when you put your mind to it. Be determined. Be deliberate and let the fact you're talented enough, smart enough and ambitious enough be the motivating factor in keeping your head in the books and your nose to the grindstone.
Hey, if colleges are interested in giving you scholarships, YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY WORTH THE EFFORT, here! Do not cheat YOURSELF out of this opportunity by throwing in the towel. Isn't that one of the biggest lessons you learn as an athlete ... to push yourself and keep striving to get better and better? Apply that philosophy here.
Get tutored. Ask for help whenever and wherever you can. If you have to, listen to study tapes/CDs while you're sleeping (hey, don't knock it! It worked for Jake in 'Annapolis'). Don't let up. And be encouraged that the end result here will be 100 percent worth it. Because it really will be.
You don't need me to tell you this, but you're a lucky, lucky person. You must be blessed with an athletic gift that's pretty darn special to have colleges offering you scholarships. And for that, I totally give you a standing ovation. So use that gift to get yourself a free education and a jump start on a fantastic career. I know you can do it. Seriously ... I just know.
PLEASE keep me posted. And if you need some study tips, remember MURDER is the key ... (to find out why, check out: "Midterm Study Frenzy: HELP!"
Good luck and know beyond a doubt that I'm pulling for ya. (Seriously, I expect to hear from ya after you take your test!)
Momma's Expectations Heavy Load to Carry
Dear Dee:
I pride myself in the fact my relationship with my mother is a bit better than the average. But still, she's hurting me even if she doesn't mean to.
All my life, she has told me the only average grade I am supposed to get is a 10 (Scandinavian grading system, 10 is consistent with the grade A in USA): any less than a perfect 10, I am too lazy, I don't read enough, I don't appreciate what I have and she's very disappointed in my performance. Her reasoning as to why I must get the perfect score every time is I'm so smart, I should. Now that I've reached college, the same still goes on.
But what she doesn't realize is in my school, grades don't really matter much, and only the finals matter the most. And yet, she expects me to keep a grade 10-average, and her constant hounding is stressing me ... a lot.
My self-confidence is at an all time low because I feel I'm a complete loser and every time I feel even so much as a sliver of pride in my schoolwork, my mother erases it completely by telling me my performance is inadequate in comparison to my alleged superior intelligence.
When I try to tell her that her demands are affecting my schooling in itself, she doesn't listen to me and starts comparing me to her and how she was already on her own at my age and had a job and studied on the side and tells me I'm wasting my talent, that I should have a part-time job as I study.
I want to tell her she's hurting me. I want to tell her I can't keep living in the same house with her if she keeps this up. I want to tell her if she truly thinks of me as an adult, she should let me make my own decisions.
But how am I going to make her listen to me, really listen, tell her how I feel and do all this without hurting her? I don't want her to feel bad. She's gone through enough in her life already, but I can't keep living under this pressure she puts on me.
Any advice you may have is greatly appreciated.
Parental expectations can be one of the heaviest loads we can possibly carry. I actually know what you're going through here.
And believe me, if you do not get it taken care of now, you will spend the rest of your life constantly trying to please your mother ... and it kills when nothing seems to be good enough or the special words 'I'm proud of you' aren't spoken. Seriously, it is very important you take care of this right now.
So, it seems to me you've been very respectful and accommodating to your mother and her wishes up to this point. You've tried with all your might to do what she wants you to do and to live up to her expectations. With taking the drastic step into adulthood and entering college, you've realized there really isn't a way to balance reality and the overbearing expectations of your mom and you need to break free of it, really and take control of your life. You need your mom to understand she has raised you to do your best. She has raised you to do the right things. And she has raised you to be a strong, independent woman ... now she needs to lighten up and have faith in how she's raised you.
How do you do this? Well, you've got to talk to her. This isn't going to be an easy conversation and the fact you want to spare her feelings is admirable, but you've got to have this talk and you've got to be forceful -- yet respectful. It's time.
Your mom needs to know that above all, you love her and you appreciate her. You acknowledge her gentle urging inspires you and makes you want to do your best, BUT ... the pressure she's putting on you is too much for you to handle.
The bottom line? You've got to spell it out VERY clear ... YOU AND YOUR MOM ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. WHAT WORKED FOR HER, DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU. You handle stress differently, you handle situations differently, and lastly, your goals are different.
You need to let your mom know that by constantly expecting more than you can give, she is driving a wedge between the two of you and is putting a strain on your relationship that will eventually cause you to pull away from her completely. She needs to understand it's not healthy. And, in the end, the pressure she's putting you under will give way to resentment and ruin the most important relationship that's in your life right now.
Let your momma know you are doing your best. You are studying, working hard and dedicated to being the best student you can be in college. But you have to do this your way -- and while you will always strive for grade perfection, sometimes, it's not gonna happen. Just as she has to let you make mistakes in life, she needs to let you get through school on your own terms as well. Tell her to have faith in how she's raised you and the values she's instilled in you. Tell her to trust you.
It is very important you let your mom know how her words and unreasonable expectations are hurting you and how they are causing you to start to resent and harbor bitterness towards her. Regardless of the grading systems and how grades are measured/what matters/what doesn't matter ... this is a REAL problem that's affecting your relationship -- and if she wants to have a healthy relationship with you, she needs to lighten up. NOT LET GO in encouraging you to do your best, ... but stop the comparisons. Stop the over-analyzing and get back to encouraging and trusting ... this is the only way you two will get through this.
I know this will be a brutal conversation. But it's got to happen. And if you need a little help, feel free to print this out and send it to your momma. And if you do that, let her know you love her and appreciate her ... because it could be the opposite ... she could just not care at all.
I wish you the best of luck and thank you so so so much for reading.
Friend's Distance & Depression Troubling
Dear Dee:
I'm 18, my best friend in the world just started college in another state. Lately when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds really depressed. When I ask her what's wrong, she says she doesn't' want to talk about it, and she sounds like she's about to cry, then she says she has to go. She also just emailed me and said she thinks she's leaving that school, but didn't' say why.
I think she's shutting me out because she thinks I can't understand what she's going through since I'm staying home for college. I feel so sad thinking about her being sad! I want to help, but I don't want to be pushy.
Should I leave her alone for a while or call her up and insist that she tell me what's going on?
There are 100 things that could be bothering your friend right now. Leaving home and being lonely are only a few of them.
As her trusted, good friend, it is your responsibility to be there for her if and when she wants to talk and to encourage her. While it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask her what's wrong, it's more important that when she tells you she doesn't want to talk about it, that you let her know that it's OK if she doesn't want to talk, but when she's ready to, you're there for her to listen and to help.
Until she confides in you, the best you can do is encourage her and reaffirm to her again and again you're there for her by your calls, your conversation and your support. Respect the fact she doesn't want to talk about it. And occasionally, you can most definitely ask her what's up -- but don't make it a sore spot in your conversations by repeatedly bringing it up.
Whatever your friend decides -- to stay away at school or come home -- just remember how special she is to you and how much you really want her to be happy. If she comes home, don't make her feel like a failure. Instead, help her through her decision and her next steps. If she stays away at school, talk her through her loneliness and let her feel your support through your conversations while she's away. Don't let that part of your relationship change. You are both obviously important to each other and distance can't take that kind of friendship away.
Lastly, don't get offended or put out by your friend not wanting to discuss what's happening in her life right now. She will when she's ready. Her behavior doesn't mean she doesn't value you as a friend, it just means she's going through some stuff she's never experienced before and she may not be sure how to handle it. Sometimes, it's hard to admit that to our friends -- especially those friends who we've left behind or maybe teased a little because they're staying home (did she?).
It will all work out and this will make your friendship stronger if you adjust and persevere through it.
Kicking a Slutty Wrap
Dear Dee:
Everybody at school thinks I'm a slut but I don't think I am one.
People just think that because a lot of guys like me. All of those people who are saying I'm a slut are spreading it all around school. So now I only have like six friends at school.
Do you have any tips to help me make them think I am not a slut?
Based on the info you've given me, I have no idea why your friends think this. And since I don't know a lot about you, I find this question really hard to answer without asking some offensive questions ... but I am going to do it. And I hope you'll just take what I say to heart if it applies ... and if it doesn't, that's even better (in this case, at least!)
One of two things is going on here: These people are just jealous of the attention you're getting from the guys who like you and they're spreading rumors. Or, they're reading something into something you're doing -- inadvertently maybe -- but it's sending off the vibe.
Could you possibly be dressing inappropriately? There is a difference between sexy and slutty. And at your age, the difference is a thin line. Anything too tight, too revealing or just too grown up looking could give the wrong impression. So look critically at your wardrobe.
Also, I am assuming since you're taking offense to what they're saying -- and a slut is a girl who sleeps around a lot -- that you're not doing that. GREAT! But make sure you don't have ex boyfriends who are spreading rumors just to get back at you for whatever reason. Ideally, it would be great to get that person to renounce their lies ... but that might be difficult.
You also said you think the kids are calling you a slut because a lot of guys like you. Well, are you dating a lot of guys? Even if you're not sleeping around, if you're kind of dating from guy to guy with no real 'break' in between, you're sending the wrong message. Slow down a little bit.
Are you overly flirty and HOW are you flirting? Are you inappropriate or maybe overly touchy? How do you act around guys?
Look, I've thrown out some hard hitting stuff here -- and some reasons why people might be thinking the way they're thinking. The bottom line is, some of this might apply and maybe none of it does. I just ask you to look at what you've got going on and see if there's actual adjustments you should make in your behavior. Because if there's reason behind the reputation, of course, you want to change it.
But maybe you're fine. And the only thing you've done to deserve this slanderous gossip is simply be a beautiful girl who guys happen to gravitate towards. And for that, I'm sorry. The jealous, petty girls spreading the rumors are shameful and very, very sad. And any of your friends who've deserted you because of this are just as pitiful as those spreading rumors.
All you can do is keep your head up and don't let them get to you. Be confident and walk tall and proud. Take solice in the fact their bitterness will make them get disgusting frown lines and wrinkles at an early age and their gossip will return to them one day, like 100 times worse ... because seriously, karma is a total B---- (I can't say it because my mom reads my site ... and a girl's never too old to get yelled at by her momma).
Broken Up But I Still Want to Kiss Him
Dear Dee:
I'm 16 and am having trouble with my ex. We went out for a month and a week. I liked him a lot but realized he is rather immature and does silly things. He nearly got himself and his best friend kicked out of college.
I decided it was the best thing for us to break up. We broke up a couple of weeks ago and now we're really good friends. The problem is, we kissed last week and have kissed a few times since. But I still don't want to go out with him again. I do still have some feelings for him but not as much and really don't think I want to go back.
Plus I feel I want to meet different people and not have to be in a committed relationship. I want to enjoy being single for a while. I still want to kiss him again though. It's strange and I don't know what to do. Please help!
You're acting totally inappropriate and selfish here. If you don't want to date him, then you have no business kissing him and leading him on! I mean, unless you want to be known as the kind of person who 'macks on anyone casually. It's just not cool ... seriously!
It's fine for you to be friends with him if you can take the physical out of it, but if you can't, then you need to stay away from him for awhile. Right now, you're messing around with him emotionally and physically and this is NOT what nice girls do.
You need to have respect enough for yourself to not just fool around when you already know you're not interested in pursuing a relationship. While it might be the norm in college to casually kiss around, sleep around and mess around with whomever you want, that doesn't make it the right. And while you might be saying to yourself 'it's just a kiss' ... I say to you, 'It's just the start.'
you specifically point out that you don't like his actions and how he doesn't seem to be responsible and mature. What you're doing, shows relationship immaturity and irresponsibility.
If you're broken up, you're broken up. Stop messing around.Making a Class Switch: Smart?
Dear Dee:
Last semester my best friend and I were in the same elective. We both had a lot of fun but now a new semester is coming. This time around my best friend and I are in different electives.
She has already asked me to switch electives to be in the same one as she is. I kinda want to switch electives so we could be in the same class. If I don't switch electives I'd only see my best friend at lunch. I was talking to my mom about this and she said I probably shouldn't do it. What do you think, Dee? Thanks in advance!
OK. Call me Ms. Practical here, but which elective is better for furthering your education? Which elective interests you more?
While I totally get you wanting to hang with your friend during class, that's really more of a class perk than a prerequisite. Your class schedule and your class load should be based entirely on what you need to get a great education.
So, with that in mind, what is the best choice?
I know ... count on Dee to take all the fun out of selecting classes ... ugh.
HELP! Midterm Study Frenzy
Dear Dee:
I'M STRESSING OUT! My midterms are next week, and it seems like I don't know how to study. It's a problem for me, because midterms mean a lot on my grade.
Can you help me in anyway?
The best formula I have found to study for tests in high school and in college is to totally commit MURDERS ... not the illegal kind, but the totally legal kind that doesn't harm ANYONE! Check it out:
Mood: Study in positive surroundings, free from distractions and noises. Also believe in yourself and your ability to absorb the information.
Understand: Don't just memorize it ... UNDERSTAND it. If you don't get it, you can't possibly expect it to be easy for you to RECALL it.
Recall: Figure out cute ways to memorize facts. We're not talking the Hannah Montana BONE DANCE or anything, but something that jives with how you learn.
Digest: Digesting your study facts is the perfect combination of Understanding and recollection -- it means the info has totally clicked with you and is not only engraved in your brain, but is now a part of your knowledge base.
Expand: Don't look at expanding on your information as more work -- think of it as a way for you to achieve understanding, recollection and digestion. Expansion allows you to really get to the core of what you need to know.
Review: This is where study partners come in ... reread those chapters, glance over those notes and quiz until you go crazy ...
Sleep: Don't underestimate the power of a good night's rest before test night. Don't cram late the night before -- pace your studying the week before your test so you just have to review the night before ... then eat right and turn in early.
If you follow this strategy, you'll do a great job on those tests. Trust me.
Overwhelmed at Home & School
Dear Dee:
To me at this point at my life, it sucks. being middle school is so hard for me I can barely keep up with my school work and people treat me like I'm some kind of freak or something or cast me aside like garbage.
On top of that, I have family issues. Sometimes I wish I can get away from it all. The only way I can is to read or draw. It's like when I'm reading, I am in my own world where I can be alone. And when I draw I let my feelings show.
But, with my parents working, a lazy talkative 17-year-old, two younger sisters I have to keep from tearing at each other's throats and a feisty 2-year-old cousin, who do you think gets stuck with all the work?
So you can only be imagine right know what I go through every day. I only have one question to ask you, what do I do?
You keep your head up and keep your outlook positive.
You are lucky in that you have hobbies you love -- reading and drawing are excellent escapes from life around you and it is important for you to take that time whenever you start to feel overwhelmed or at a breaking point. Everyone needs 'me' time and with the demands of your home life and your school schedule, it's extremely important!
Also, I know you are trying to help your parents, but it is important to let them know you're feeling overwhelmed in all you've taken on at home. Granted, a certain amount of help is required and expected -- but it might be that they've given you a little more responsibility than you're ready to take on. So, you should talk to them.
Just be sure that when you do this, you are respectful and truthful. Tell them how you feel.
You know, middle school is hard. And there is no excuse for how you're being treated at school. But I would encourage you to keep your head up and know that you are extremely valuable and important. If these kids around you can't see that, that's their loss. And one day, you're outshine them all. I know it. Just do your best to get through it and keep your head up. You are a very important part of this world and you have a purpose that is only yours to fulfill. Remember that. It should make you feel so very special knowing that you are unique and destined to something great and a life only you can live to its fullest.
Don't forget it.
I'm Not Popular & It's Killing Me
Dear Dee:
I'm a 14-year-old boy, a freshman in high school and I'm not popular, and it's killing me. I can't impress any of the popular girls, I can't even look at the girl I like without getting a sign of her not noticing me.
I can't say anything around the popular guys without getting made fun of, and I can't be accepted by the cool crowd. Please advise.
Your biggest problem isn't the fact you can't get noticed by the populars or this girl you like -- it's that you are trying so hard to get noticed and accepted by this group.
I know you've heard the expression, 'you're trying too hard' ... and dude, you totally are. Lighten up a bit and stop caring about acceptance so much.
You have to be happy with yourself and who you are before you can expect anyone else to accept you and acknowledge you. And the fact this group isn't letting you 'in' shouldn't define who you are and it most definitely shouldn't have a bearing on your happiness. Because if you let it, you will most definitely never be happy. And that's just sad.
Stand up straight, be yourself and better yet, LIKE YOURSELF. Like yourself for who you are, the friends you have and the person you will become. Be proud of it. And don't let a group of popular kids, who you probably won't even recognize at your 10-year high school reunion, run your life. Take control and do it now before you ruin your high school years.
I don't know if you changing your outlook the way I've described will make your dream girl fall for you. And I don't know if it will cause the populars to let you in or get the guys to stop laughing at you. But I can guarantee it will change your life and outlook. And to me, that's what matters.
Walking Taller Among Clique-ish Schoolmates
Dear Dee:
I am 13 years old. I go to a private school, so I have a very small class.
There are 11 kids in my class, and there is only three other girls. the problem is, the girls are really cruel and make fun of me because of the way I dress and because of how short I am.
They also make fun of me because I hang out with guys more than I hang out with girls. I really hate that they make fun of me just because I hang out with guys. It's also stupid they do that because they hang out with, and are friends with, the exact same guys!
I don't know what to do, and I'm getting really stressed out. I'm hating school more than I did before. I have friends there, but most of them are 11th and 12th graders an a couple of 8th graders.
Hey, I went to private school, too and know exactly about the small classes, the gossip and the mean girls. I graduated with seven kids ... and my aunt actually was one of two in her graduating class!
What sucks about private school is that there usually is only one or two people who get picked on and EVERYONE picks on them ... vs. a big school, there are multiple people. So, I can definitely see how it can take its toll on you.
I know your cousin, who you say is going to the school too, has told you to ignore the girls and just do your own thing ... and I am going to offer you the same advice. See, most girls are nervous around guys -- and it doesn't sound like you are since the guys are your main friends. Girls are threatened by other girls who can connect with guys on a friendly level. So in a way, these girls are jealous of the relationship you have with these guys.
What you could do, is try to play it to your advantage ... like if you knew one of the girls liked one of the guys you hang with, you could kinda use your 'in' with the guy to help the girl out. But regardless of whether you do that or not, don't let these girls intimidate you. Continue to be yourself and be comfortable with who you are ... that's what matters.
Now regarding your height: You didn't ask directly, but I figured I'd give you a few tips on how to look a little taller. Of course there are heels, but there are also other things you can do. First off, wear clothes that fit you. Bagginess makes a shorter person look like the clothes are wearing them ... not the other way around. Stay away from thick, bulky belts. Stick to thin belts. Also, wearing the same color on top and bottom increases the appearance of height.
Lastly, make sure to walk straight and sit up straight. Posture is key to making yourself appear taller.
Hope all this helps!
Free Education With Strings Attached
Dear Dee:
So I have this situation that I am in. Right now I am a freshman in college and I live with some friends in Illinois and am going to community college and actually doing pretty well.
I have a B average for the first time in a long time. But the problem is money (like always.) Now I have this option to go out to Utah and my family will help me with college, and help me get into a four-year university. I mean it seems great, but I'm finally happy with what I've got, Like the friends and situation. I kind of think it's bull they are only willing to help if I move there. But they have already told me that's the way it has to be if they are going to pay for it.
I mean it's a great idea because then I won't be stressing about my financial situation all the time, and all my friends say I should just do it because I won't get another chance like this. But if I go out there, I have to go for three years straight, No summer breaks or anything, meaning I could hardly, if ever, see my friends until I'm done getting my B.A. -- and even then I plan on doing more schooling.
Everyone tells me they will be here when I get back, but I don't want to miss out on everything for three years.
I totally get where you're coming from and I hear both sides of the argument regarding your family paying for school. I can understand why they want you to go to school in the same state they live in -- instate tuition is considerably lower than out of state. And, maybe they just want you close to home -- no fault in that.
Unfortunately, this money has some strings attached. And if you want to finish school without financial worries and school loans, then it most definitely is the way to go.
Would I do it? Yes ... and I actually did. My grandparents paid for me to go to college and they only had certain schools they'd pay for. For me, it didn't seem like their offer had conditions -- it was just how they preferred to spend their money. And hey, I respected that and appreciate their generosity even now (THANK YOU GRAMPS AND GRANNY!).
I know your friends are a huge consideration here for you. But you know, we all leave our friends sometimes. Our lives change, our situations change and our needs change. It's all part of growing up and adapting our lives to the situations we're dealing with. So while you're concerns and fears are valid, are they really realistic and important when faced with the opportunity of a free education and bettering yourself? Well, that's what you have to decide.
I hope I've explained this clearly in a way that makes it a little more black and white for you. Hey, please let me know what you decide, OK? I am most definitely interested.
Major Decision Is Major Pain
Dear Dee:
I have a major problem! Literally. I can't decide on my major and I have very little time left to decide. you see, the counselors tell me I'm smart, my family wants me to get a degree, and I want to go to a university but I feel so overburdened by this decision that I can't even think straight.
Right now I'm a sophomore in a community college and I'm planning to transfer as a junior. I believe that this major decision would be much easier if my parents and family had advice for me because they had gone through the same thing.
I would be the first in my family to earn a degree, complete high school, and even elementary school. My grandparents are my adoptive parents and they barely managed to finish third grade. I feel lost and a bit helpless. What it comes down to is that I envy the conviction with which my peers decided what they wanted to do with their lives, whether it be a manicurist or a lawyer.
All I have is an appreciation and desire for knowledge and creativity but no clear conviction of what I want to do with my life.
Please help. I would cherish your advice.
This conviction you are speaking of comes at different times for everyone. Really!Don't stress yourself out trying to figure out what to do with your life. Just live it! So many of us waste away trying to think of what to do next instead of enjoying what we have going for us. I honestly feel this is the case for you, too. You're so overwhelmed with the responsibility and burden you feel do to your position in your family, that you're not concentrating on all the amazing experiences, people and learning you have in your life! In fact, if you simply take a step back, you might find your major of choice is staring you right in the face.
So can you try to decompress and enjoy what you're studying, experiencing and living through RIGHT NOW? Cherish your family, revel in how proud they are of you and sure, ask their opinions on what they think you'd be great at studying. But don't count on them to make the decision for you. You are the one who has to live with the profession and the degree you choose. So take their advice for what it is -- council and suggestion ... not an edict, decree or law.
Oh and in case you were wondering ... there most definitely isn't a fortune to be made the world of advice columnists ... unless you love to help others ... which I most definitely love to do.
Drama In the Drama Business
Dear Dee:
I feel like I write you a lot. I think it's because you do know how to solve problems, and when I follow your advice it turns out just fine. Thanks so much!
I love to act. My drama teacher has put me through a lot, too much, really. Last year I was in the Spring Play and she gave me two parts. This was a lot, and I knew I had a lot of memorizing to do. I cracked one night at rehearsal after receiving a progress report that said I was failing all of my classes except French and (of course) Adv. Acting.
I wanted to DIE. I've never failed anything. Some tests were coming up too, I could totally change my grades if I wanted to, but I would need time to study. She told me I was one of her best actresses and so I thought she would accommodate my needs so that I would stay in the play.
I was wrong. She insisted that I stay that part and that my grades would go up after a while. This didn't please me. The following night I had BOMBED my math test, with no retakes, I found myself having a COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN. I was so tired from rehearsal and homework the fatigue made me sick and I felt like I was going to throw up. I stayed in the bathroom for most of the rehearsal to avoid embarrassment, but I left once she wanted me on stage. I started to hysterically cry, I ran backstage and had my understudy practice. My drama teacher came back stage, I told her "No no, I don't want to talk" and she grabbed my hands, I took them away and told her "No you are making me hate this, I cant do this, I cant do this" I felt like I was going to throw up and so I went to the bathroom. She told the ENTIRE cast I quit the play. I didn't, I was sick and wasn't well.
She took me out of the bathroom and told me to never audition for her again. I know that my teacher was under a ton of stress and I should forgive her, I even tried talking it out with her, but she wont talk to me. Now anytime I go to an audition I freak out and think of this, and end up crying and leave. It seems like it's controlling me. How can I pursue acting with her "NEVER AUDITION FOR ME AGAIN!" constantly running through my head? I feel like I'm not good anymore, and I can't pursue my dream because of this. Please, how can I move on and tackle some film auditions without thinking that I'm not good enough?
It doesn't like your teacher ever doubted your talent. She just became frustrated with the drama you brought to the set and the fact it didn't (and doesn't) seem like you had a good handle on how to balance your love for acting, your commitment to it and your responsibilities as a student.
Just because you are a fantastic actress, doesn't mean your teacher should've given you a break! Her frustration with you came when you showed lack of maturity in handling the pressures which came with signing on to a production. You dove in head first -- giving all to your art -- while letting the rest of your responsibilities sink straight to the bottom.
But hey, you've learned your lesson. She was way harsh in telling you never to audition for her again. BUT I would challenge you to pull yourself together. Show her you can handle your school work, your auditions, your memorization and your parts. THEN, try to talk to her -- leading off the conversation by telling her you're sorry you broke down -- but you've learned a lot through the experience. Also tell her you know you let her down by cracking under the pressure and expecting special treatment.
I have no doubt you're an excellent and exciting actress. And I hope one day you are more famous than ... Keira Knightley ... but for now, you've got to be a student AND an actress. Come to grips with that and make time for both and you won't be sorry -- you'll be able to audition with GREAT confidence and ease!
Good luck and please let me know how your next audition goes!
Family Into Sports, But I'm Not
Dear Dee:
I am not so into sports. I like playing, but am really not that good.
My family, it seems, is trying to convince me I am, like, the problem child. I want to be a lot like my brother and sister because I look up to them SO much, but here my brother is, saying "Oh- I played basketball, soccer, football, hockey ... etc ... and here she is, not playing anything."
What they also don't get is that I WANT to walk to school if it's nice out, I WANT to play sports, but I can't go out for a league because all of the other girls would have been playing for a long time. Also, I'm REALLY busy. Asking me to add a sport to my busy schedule is a lot to ask of me.
But I am literally about to cry. When my brother is upset or disappointed in me, I feel like poo. Honestly. I don't want to keep feeling like this.
If you flat out don't want to play an organized sport, then don't. And no one should be disappointed in you for that -- regardless of what your brother and sister have done or do.
You are your own person -- and you have your own individual skills. While I omitted your schedule from this post, it is totally 'whoa'! You are quite, quite busy and if adding a sport to that would send you over the edge, then don't do it! Be proud of what you are good at and what you are accomplishing through your other commitments.
And really, where your brother is concerned -- tell him that you admire, respect and adore all he does but that you are NOT him. You want to make a mark in stuff that you're good at -- not follow in his shadow on the basketball court. Tell him it's his job as an older brother to encourage you and to support you in the activities you want to pursue -- just as you support him in his.
And hey, if you can't tell him this, just print this out and let me do it! (HI BIG BRO!!!)
Anyway, you most definitely have a lot going on and that is great. But remember, enjoying your activities, commitments and extra curriculars is part of the fun -- so don't schedule so much of your time up that you literally don't have time to enjoy any of the things you're doing. You don't want to burn out and you don't want this time in your life to be a blur because you couldn't savor your hobbies and interests.
Everyone Cusses & Fights
Dear Dee:
My school is so crazy. They cuss every other word and everyone fights. Now, seven girls want to jump me just because I was trying to make sure my friend didn't get jumped by them. She was getting cussed out and threatened so I gr abed her arm and pulled her away.
OK. This, we just don't mess with. You've got to tell an adult you trust right away as you are in danger! Seriously. You've really, really gotta get some help.
Now, I do really want to give you props for pulling your friend out of the path of danger. Very, very impressive. I also applaud you for having the decency to be disgusted by the talk of those cussers!
Cussing is stupid. It shows a lack class, tact and creativity. While many think cussing adds 'color' to a conversation, it actually just dampens it by adding vulgarity and crass undertones. I mean, anyone can insert a cussword into a conversation -- but to choose words that express your true emotion or the true meaning of what you're trying to say? That takes skill.
So, keep your talk clean, do all you can to stay out of the fighting fray and continue to be a great friend.
Sick of Being Popular
Dear Dee:
I am a Freshman in high school and I am popular. I know what you are saying "What could be wrong?" However, I hate it. It was fine in middle school because I was able to stand up for myself but now all people do is talk about us and call us stuck up. I do not want to be popular. I want to be normal or nerdy if I have to, but if I do my friends will think it is because of them.
You've proven two things with your question: 1. No one is EVER happy with who they are and where they are in life and 2. Even the popular kids have something or someone to envy. Thanks for proving that populars are humans, too.
I don't think you can magically snap your fingers and become a nerd or just all of a sudden 'not' be popular. So instead of trying to be something you're not (nerd, geek, or some other social class) use your popularity to do good things and to change stereotypes around your school.
Show others you're not stuck up and that you're approachable. Show them you're not one of those plastic populars who loves the attention but can't bother to talk to the 'little people.' Show your schoolmates you're popular because you're a kind person who loves to help others and make friends from all different groups and cliques. Show everyone you're not just popular because you're popular ... you're popular because you deserve it.
Remember: Popularity is power ... Use it for good.
Crushed Because I'm Not Popular
Dear Dee:
I'm a 14-year-old boy and a freshman in high school. I am not popular and it's killing me.
I can't impress any of the popular girls, I can't even look at the girl I like without getting a sign of her not noticing me. I can't say anything around the popular guys without getting made fun of, and I can't be accepted by the cool crowd.
You need to stop trying so hard and just be yourself. You need to take pride in who you are and build up your self-confidence. You need to work on being OK with you.
Don't measure your worth on who notices you and who doesn't and also remember your self confidence or lack thereof plays into how people respond to you. Others gravitate towards those who carry themselves with poise and confidence. And those who seem to be trying too hard to fit in do nothing but get on people's nerves and get ignored.
So, work on your self-worth. Really spend some time figuring out what makes you, you and why you are worth knowing. I am sure the list is a mile long. And with that list, build some confidence in yourself. That confidence might not win you a spot in the popular crowd, but it WILL show you that you don't have to be one of them to be worth knowing and caring about.
Grades Get Way of Social Life
Dear Dee:
My parents think my grades are going down because I focus too much on my social life. They're way off! The crush I have actually helps me in all my school work, they just don't notice that. Do you think I should forget my crush forever and just focus on school for the rest of my life?
OK. I am going to state the obvious here ... (or at least I think it's obvious!). If your grades are going downhill and your crush is helping you with your schoolwork, maybe he's not the best person to be helping you with your work. Maybe his helping you IS the problem! (What are his grades like?)
Anyway, the only way you're going to get your parents to say it's OK to be a social butterfly is if you shape up and make the grade. This doesn't mean you forget your crush -- that's way extreme. Just focus. Spend the time you need to on your homework, THEN spend time with your crush and your friends.
Show your parents you are responsible enough to prioritize and take care of business. Don't goof off and force your parents into making you cut back on social activities -- prove you know how to manage your time, energies and efforts.
It all boils down to responsibility: You are either a responsible person or you're not. And at this time in your life, it's your parent's job to make decisions/choices for you if you prove to them you can't choose wisely. Don't make them do that. Because regardless of what you might think, they don't enjoy the 'mean' part of parenting as much as we like to think they do.
Guy Gets Grief Over Style
Dear Dee:
I like to dress fashionably, and I hear that girls like guys who dress fashionably. I lean towards the Hollister side, but I like to wear casual dress shirts and stuff as well.
I come under a lot of fire, almost always from guys, who joke about my sexuality. I'm straight, but obviously they like to make "gay" and "fag" jokes about me. It's been this way for about a year. It sucks and I really try not to let it bug me, but it does.
I'm not sure what to do, I pretty much like the way I dress, and I think the ladies do too, but the comments are starting to bug me.
While this behavior from this group of guys is absolutely absurd and extremely immature, I think the best way to handle it would be to let your suave style and superior fashion savvy speak for itself ...
When their grubby-jeans-wearing, torn-T-shirt sorry butts see you surrounded by pretty girls and never dateless, they'll see the light and realize your careful attention to personal appearance is what sets you apart. (Besides the fact you're not a name-calling bigot who constantly stereotypes people ... )
I know it's hard to ignore these jerks. And I know their ignorance causes you pain and embarrassment. But it seems to me that lashing out would only fuel the fire and make it worse.
You know who you are, what you like and why you do what you do. Be confident in that! And remember it doesn't need explaining to anyone -- least of all a bunch of bullies. So you keep doing your thing and show them you're the better guy for it. Not only regarding common sense, but in the eyes of all the beautiful ladies who love a well-dressed man.
