Saying Goodbye Is Not Really Saying Goodbye

Dear Dee:
How do you handle saying goodbye to someone you really like?

Whether it's someone moving away or other circumstances causing distance in a relationship, saying goodbye is never, ever easy.

But in today's world, goodbye is such a loose term. Unless the person is actually travelling back in time to the stone ages, there's constant ways to stay in communication with the person you're crushing on -- whether they're in Boston, LA or Timbuktu. Seriously, goodbyes aren't permanent anymore and they don't mean 'I'll never ever see or talk to you again.' They just mean 'we may not be in the same proximity to actually touch, but we can still keep in touch like crazy and even get on Skype or OOVO and video chat! By the way, I'll text you in about an hour.'

Sorry. I am not making fun of the fact you're not going to get to see someone you really care about in the flesh that often. I am just trying to soften the blow by saying it's not as bad as it seems. And if you're really want to keep in touch with this person and he/she you, then there's no reason you can't.

Now, on the solemn side, if this is someone you don't feel you can talk to anymore and you're saying goodbye as a symbolic 'end' to a relationship, just give it time. Feelings don't leave overnight and it'll take some time to heal and get over the breakup or parting of ways. But it is doable. Try to keep yourself busy and surrounded by people you love. While solitude is probably your preference, it's not the best way for you to move on -- save the moping for before bed time and while doing your homework (I'd say save it for during class, but I don't need teachers sending me hate mail ...).

Hopefully, this is a goodbye that's situational -- moving, changing schools, etc. And you can keep in touch but if not, take things one step at a time. Let yourself feel it, mourn it, and heal.

Livin' It Up in High School ...Now Study Time

Dear Dee:
OK I'm not a freshman anymore. I am 16 years old and I have done just about everything a person can possibly do in high school. I am a cheerleader. I have great friends. And in my 10th grade year, I dated a senior star football player. Don't get me wrong, all of that was good but while all this was going on I kinda skipped out on trying to get good grades. Now I am older and wiser and I really want to get into a good college so what should I do? Not going to college is TOTALLY NOT AN OPTION! I already know that I just should do better but I only have 2 years left so will it be enough?

So you're older and wiser ... hum. Sounds like this is the year you just came off of -- so don't really know how much older you are since you have two years of school left -- but does sound like you're a little wiser ... but only time will tell.

Does sound like you have a lot going for you and have made the most of your high school experience from a social perspective. But unless you want to be that girl at the high school reunion 10 years from now, who was ALL THAT AND MORE in school, but doesn't amount to much now, you've got to get in gear. Studying has got to be your priority and good grades most definitely count.

If you really put your nose to the grindstone your last two years, you can turn things around. See, what you need is balance. You went to the extreme your freshman and sophomore years and didn't strike even keel between social life and school -- you just went social-lite crazy! So, now instead of going to the opposite extreme, set up a schedule and make sure your activities and study time stay balanced.

Where school is concerned, all work and no play may get you great grades, but it robs you of key experiences. Taking time to be social and have fun in the midst of maintaining your academics will help you become more well-rounded and you won't burn out on studying. You'll stay refreshed and in the long run, will perform much better on tests, etc.

So yes. You know what you have to do. Buckle down. Now, you just have to do it. Remember your goals. I agree with you -- in this day and age, it just isn't overly possible to be successful without a college degree. So keep looking at the big picture when your friends invite you out when you need to study for a test ... Being the responsible girl now will help you become the 'WOW' girl at your reunion and that's much better than the other type described.

Sophomore Wants to Stop Missing Out

Dear Dee:
I'm a sophomore at my school right now and the summer is quickly approaching. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of experiences I could be having, that would eventually make me a better person. I have never really been in any kind of relationship, although people tell me I'm pretty all the time and guys sometimes look at me interested, I'm never approached. I thought it was mostly because of my height (I'm 5'10) that makes me a little intimidating but I'm thinking that it might be something completely different.

It pains me I never have the courage to just strike up a conversation with guys I like. I feel like they maybe think I'm not interested in them because of my own fears and complexities.

Thanks for your time! I love your blog :)

The first step to overcoming a fear is recognizing it -- and you've done that. Talking to guys, especially when you feel self-conscious about yourself (your height) is so difficult -- and can seem impossible! But, I am here to tell you it's not.

Even though you don't feel confident and brave, you don't have to let guys know it. Fake your way through it until you convince yourself you can do it. Just hold your head up high, walk slowly and deliberately over to the guy in question and just say 'hey, how's it goin.'

It'll turn out great sometimes -- and others, it'll be a bust -- but it's worth it! You'll learn what works for you and you'll start to let your guard down a little. If you really dug deep into people, you'd find those of us who are extremely self-confident make a career of faking our way through it. Yeah, we have confidence -- but we don't always feel it. We just know how to channel our energies into conquering those situations we feel we don't have power over.

In your case, you feel your insecurities and fears are so obvious, guys shy away from you. So, it's time for you to reign those feelings in a little and realize you have a lot going for you!

5'10" is a fantastic height. It's sexy, it's sultry and it's model-perfect. There isn't a single thing you can do about your height, so use it to your advantage. Don't hang your head or hide your face when you walk by a guy you like. Strut your stuff! Hold your head up and own it, girl! Guys are attracted to girls who are confident, yet approachable. And with a few adjustments, you can get there.

You're already feeling like you're missing out -- and knowing this is one of the most important tools needed to fix the problem. So stop missing out and determine within yourself you're gonna enjoy your last few years in high school. You can do it! I know it!

Sluffing Off Not the Norm for Perfect Student

Dear Dee:
I'm a junior in high school and have ALWAYS been a pretty good student and really easy to deal with when it comes to teachers. I always did my homework, always got great grades, NEVER got in trouble for talking in class, etc.

Junior year was really stressful for me and now that it's almost over, I feel like I am falling apart. Its been 2 weeks since I went to bed before midnight. I'm usually in bed by 10:30 p.m. at the latest. I didn't do my last 2 homework assignments of the year for science and i just turned in my lab a week late for half credit.

I didn't do my last Spanish homework assignment and got told to be quiet 4 times in one 100-minute class period. My teacher threatened to move me if I talked again and I was mortified because since 1st grade I have never gotten in trouble for talking!

It's like I'm viewing my life from the outside because I can see what I'm doing and I see my grades slipping, but when I'm in the moment just sitting in class I just have the urge to purposely "rebel" against my teacher and not do my work or just talk to one of my friends instead of listening and paying attention.

I just don't understand why I have started acting and thinking this way or how I can get my self to stop thinking like this and again become the student teachers like and appreciate. Any ideas on whats happening? Thanks for reading!

Honey, it's time to take control again. And you know that. In fact, you solved your own problem when you wrote me. You acknowledged you were screwing up and you also realize that you need to get it together. So just do it!

You have control over your actions and you know you need to get back into shape. So get with it. Right now is not the time to mess up your future. You're going to be a senior soon and you don't want to ruin your chances at a great college career.

So, there's the lecture you needed to hopefully get back on track. But also know, it's pretty normal for a kid to get summer fever. You're so close to being totally done with school, it's natural for you to wanna goof off and just be done!

But you have to be responsible. So when those 'urges' arise, tame them and pull it back in. Everyone has to deal with wanting to do fun stuff instead of dealing with what they're supposed to be doing. And part of being an adult is understanding when it's OK to to play and when it's not. Sounds like you're starting to realize that. Now ... all you have to do is decide what to do with it.

She's Genius, but Stumped on Finding Friends

Dear Dee:
I'm 15 years old, And Already attending college. I have always been ahead of people my age intellectually. So I never had many friends. Or gone on many dates. Guys just don't like smart girls.

They like someone that makes them feel smart. Well here is the thing, Now that I'm in college I'm around people more my level. But I can't date guys here. They are all older than 18. Do you have any ideas?

You know, it's just not true -- guys do like smart girls. But in your case, I think you're probably intimidating to them because you are beyond smart -- sounds like you're a genius!

And congratulations to you for excelling and utilizing your exceptional abilities to advance so far above those your age. But with this gift, has obviously come some social shortfalls.

It's not appropriate at all for you to date someone at college, since you're still underage (and it would actually be illegal for them), but it is totally cool for you to want to date someone around your age.

I am not sure how you act around kids your age. But I would imagine, through no fault of your own, they are shy around you and don't quite know how to relate to you because of your intellect. So, you have to work a little harder than most kids to make those your age feel comfortable around you. Show them you're still a teenager with the same interests, etc but you just happen to be attending college.

It sucks the responsibility falls on you to make them understand you're 'normal' but it does. That's just how it works. And I promise you, if you really make the effort and fit in, they'll start to appreciate the reasons you do stand out and won't be threatened by them. Just put yourself out there. You may be knocked down a little and you may get hurt -- but that's what happens when you're trying to make friends and cultivating relationships.

And you will find a circle of friends who will accept and appreciate you. ... I mean really ... how cool is it, at 15, to have a friend who's 'in' with the college crowd! That's way way way hot.

Keep your head up. And while you probably already know this, you're destined for greatness. People aren't 'gifted' with your type of intelligence without a reason and a purpose. So soak it up. But don't forget to have some fun in the process.

Girl Ponders Stand on Bi-Racial Dating

Dear Dee:
I go to a school that's primarily white, upper middle class students. There are other students, (Asian, oriental, African, etc) but for the most part, we can sum it up in that.

No one is actually racist, but its very assumed that if you're not white, you don't belong. This bothers me, but I don't see anything I can do about it.

However, recently, I've made friends with a guy in my class. We've hung out and talked, and it's become clear he and I have feelings for each other. He hasn't pushed it, so we're not officially dating, but I'm ashamed I'm so hesitant to openly go out with someone who is black. Why am I like this? I frustrate myself with my cowardliness, but I really like him!

My father wouldn't even take the time to consider him, because he's 'below us.' It gives me a headache to think about all the people who would hate me and the very, very few who'd stick it out with me. Most of my friends don't even like that we're friends! I am so confused! Please Help!

You already know the answer to your question. You really, really do. You say yourself you're ashamed of your hesitation. So, do something about it. Take a stand.

Now, I am not saying that taking a stand means you date the guy. Only you know if you like him enough to date him. But take a stand against the prejudice and even against your dad. See, I have many friends who are in bi-racial relationships. And they'll be the first to tell you how difficult it is and how people sometimes look at you a little funny. But you know what, this is 2009!

We are a progressive people who can adapt to change. But someone has to stand up for that change, first. In your school, in your home, this person could be you. Don't get me wrong. I am not putting this issue on your shoulders. I am simply saying, you not doing something because of what others say, even though you know those people are wrong, makes you just as guilty and ignorant as those people are. We ARE defined by our actions.

Simply stated, if you like him as a friend, then be his friend and don't be ashamed of it. Don't EVER EVER be ashamed of it. If you like him as a boyfriend, then date him. And don't ever apologize for it. Live your beliefs and kick your hesitation out the freakin' door.

One last point, as I know I am going on a rant: Right now, your conscience is getting to you. You say it yourself you hate your cowardliness. We have a conscience for a reason. ... That reason is to keep us from making mistakes. If we do not act on what our conscience is telling us, eventually we will be desensitized to it. Don't let this happen to you in regards to your not being able to stand your cowardliness.'

I honestly believe this is a defining time for you. You're seeing this issue in your school and in your home (with your dad) very clearly. It's time for you to stop wavering and decide if you're going to let the prejudice get to you or if you're going to stand tall with a friend whom you love to hang out with and makes you happy.

When Friendship Changes, But Only for One

Dear Dee:
OK, so I'm a 15-year-old, straight girl.

I recently started at an all girls high school, along with some girls from my old grammar school. One girl, with whom I have been friends with for a long time, has recently been acting weird around me, and has told several people she has feelings for me.

I don't know what to do because I really like her as a friend and we have a lot of fun together. But I don't want anything but a friendship. And the way she acts is different from how she used to.

She also has a girlfriend, but when she sees me with one of my friends, I can see she is jealous. I do feel bad, but I also just don't get it.

From the way you describe what's going on, I'd say you get it just fine. You know what's happening. And it seems you see the situation very clearly. I'd also wager you know what you have to do and just need me to confirm it for you. So here it is: You've got to talk to your friend. You owe it to her and you owe it to yourself. If your friendship means anything to you, then you must talk to her and get it out in the open -- let her know you are just interested in friendship.

Please don't put it off and let the situation get worse -- or worse yet, don't let it get to the point where you avoid her. If you were to do that, I promise you'll regret it later.

Hopefully, your friend and you are able to sit down, have an open conversation and resolve the anxiety you are feeling and the gently squash the feelings she might be developing.

Texting Boyfriend Plays Hot & Cold

Dear Dee:
I'm 13 years old and there's this boy I really like and I know he likes me because he told
me. He left our school at the end of the sixth grade. While he was gone, we texted each other love notes.

Now, it's the end of the seventh grade and were going off to the eighth. I want to ask him why he's been acting so weird with me since he came back. I get mad when I see him flirting with other girls, too.

It's not like he doesn't like me anymore because he told one of my friends he still does. He just won't say he likes me around his friends. My dad told me at this age, boys really care what their friends think and I don't know what to do!

Your dad is totally right. And if this kid doesn't have enough smarts to treat you right in and out of the spotlight, then you don't need him. It also proves he's not boyfriend material.

And while I am sure it's eating at you to have him treat you this way, or to watch him flirt with other girls, the best thing you can do is act like it doesn't bother you. Guys, even stupid ones, don't like clingy girls and they really don't like it when girls act desperate. So, play it cool and see how he reacts. If he doesn't react at all, move on. There are tons of other guys out there. And if he does respond and shapes up, make sure you make him treat you right. You're young, but you still know what it means to be treated well.

Embarassed When Friends Talk Sex

Dear Dee:
I am 19 years old and in my second year of university. I found the transition from High School to University very difficult, but now that I'm in my second year, I feel much more comfortable. I have made few friends, but we're becoming very close and I'm so happy about that.

What I'm writing to ask advice for is, my friends are very open sexually. They talk about their hook-ups and experiences easily and are now wondering about me. The truth is, I'm 19 and NEVER been kissed!

I almost find it embarassing - I feel like a little girl when they talk ... they say stuff and I blush and do my best not to laugh, but on the inside, I feel left out and almost weird in a world where I see people kissing on the street corners and the who-knows-what at parties, and there I am, the loser who hasn't had a simple kiss!
Any advice for me?

Do NOT be embarrassed. And there is no reason in this world you should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, this world is totally screwed up when girls talk about their sexual exploits as casually as they talk about the sale at the shoe store. YOU are the one in the right here. These other girls are wrong. And while that's hard for you to see, it is the truth.

It absolutely sickens me how our society has made sex such a casual, conversational thing. It is disgusting how it is a symbol of status among guys and girls. It is VERY VERY wrong!

Let me tell you this: While you're sitting there, listening to the girls talk about their latest one-nighter, and acting like it was a conquest. What they're not telling you is how they're really burying the fact there was no emotional attachment. They’re not talking about the fact that even though they were 'protected,' there's still a part of them that wonders if they'll get pregnant or a disease. They're not talking about how they feel cheap and disgusting because the guy they had sex with probably doesn't even remember their names.

Oh oh ... and let's not forget this extremely disgusting fact: When people sleep around casually, each sexual encounter isn't just with one person, it's with pretty much every person that person has had sex with and so on and so on ... UGH! THAT IS SO SO SO SO GROSS!

OK. So we've talked about 'what they're not saying ...' now let's talk about what they're not doing, OK?

These girls aren't allowing themselves to experience something meaningful with their future husbands. They're not saving anything to give to the one person they are committing their lives to. They aren't realizing they are SPECIAL enough and WORTH WAITING FOR.

And you know what? You are! When you experience the kiss you'll know you're ready and you're mature enough to handle it. You'll know what you want in a guy and you'll be able to choose accordingly.

See, these girls deep down, know what they're doing is inappropriate and wrong. But when they talk about it and are able to share their experiences collectively, they're validating their behavior to themselves ... thinking that it's OK because others are doing it, too.

Don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. Not to be cliché, but you are a RARE jewel and the guy who finds you is so so so lucky. You are worth it. You are worth waiting for. And you're 'lack' of their type of experience is not a slight against you. And that's how you should portray it if you decide to tell them.

You're a great example. And you know what? I'm proud to know you!

SAT Panic Sets In: Time for Encouragement

Dear Dee:
I am a senior in high school and my average is a 76. I realize it should be higher, but I was a procrastinator and gave up on myself.

I have second honors this year and am trying to work my way up. I am also an athlete who can get a full-ride scholarship to an out of state college, but in order to do so I HAVE to get 940 with the Math and Critical Reading combined, and so far have gotten a 760.

My critical reading scores are in the high 400's, but my math scores are in the low 300's. I have registered for the March SAT, and have been studying every day. I have out of state colleges interested in giving me scholarships, but they are waiting to see my SAT scores. I want to believe everything will be okay but I feel like giving up. What should I do?

NEVER ... NEVER ... NEVER EVER give up on yourself and what you can do when you put your mind to it. Be determined. Be deliberate and let the fact you're talented enough, smart enough and ambitious enough be the motivating factor in keeping your head in the books and your nose to the grindstone.

Hey, if colleges are interested in giving you scholarships, YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY WORTH THE EFFORT, here! Do not cheat YOURSELF out of this opportunity by throwing in the towel. Isn't that one of the biggest lessons you learn as an athlete ... to push yourself and keep striving to get better and better? Apply that philosophy here.

Get tutored. Ask for help whenever and wherever you can. If you have to, listen to study tapes/CDs while you're sleeping (hey, don't knock it! It worked for Jake in 'Annapolis'). Don't let up. And be encouraged that the end result here will be 100 percent worth it. Because it really will be.

You don't need me to tell you this, but you're a lucky, lucky person. You must be blessed with an athletic gift that's pretty darn special to have colleges offering you scholarships. And for that, I totally give you a standing ovation. So use that gift to get yourself a free education and a jump start on a fantastic career. I know you can do it. Seriously ... I just know.

PLEASE keep me posted. And if you need some study tips, remember MURDER is the key ... (to find out why, check out: "Midterm Study Frenzy: HELP!"

Good luck and know beyond a doubt that I'm pulling for ya. (Seriously, I expect to hear from ya after you take your test!)

Momma's Expectations Heavy Load to Carry

Dear Dee:
I pride myself in the fact my relationship with my mother is a bit better than the average. But still, she's hurting me even if she doesn't mean to.

All my life, she has told me the only average grade I am supposed to get is a 10 (Scandinavian grading system, 10 is consistent with the grade A in USA): any less than a perfect 10, I am too lazy, I don't read enough, I don't appreciate what I have and she's very disappointed in my performance. Her reasoning as to why I must get the perfect score every time is I'm so smart, I should. Now that I've reached college, the same still goes on.

But what she doesn't realize is in my school, grades don't really matter much, and only the finals matter the most. And yet, she expects me to keep a grade 10-average, and her constant hounding is stressing me ... a lot.

My self-confidence is at an all time low because I feel I'm a complete loser and every time I feel even so much as a sliver of pride in my schoolwork, my mother erases it completely by telling me my performance is inadequate in comparison to my alleged superior intelligence.

When I try to tell her that her demands are affecting my schooling in itself, she doesn't listen to me and starts comparing me to her and how she was already on her own at my age and had a job and studied on the side and tells me I'm wasting my talent, that I should have a part-time job as I study.

I want to tell her she's hurting me. I want to tell her I can't keep living in the same house with her if she keeps this up. I want to tell her if she truly thinks of me as an adult, she should let me make my own decisions.

But how am I going to make her listen to me, really listen, tell her how I feel and do all this without hurting her? I don't want her to feel bad. She's gone through enough in her life already, but I can't keep living under this pressure she puts on me.

Any advice you may have is greatly appreciated.

Parental expectations can be one of the heaviest loads we can possibly carry. I actually know what you're going through here.

And believe me, if you do not get it taken care of now, you will spend the rest of your life constantly trying to please your mother ... and it kills when nothing seems to be good enough or the special words 'I'm proud of you' aren't spoken. Seriously, it is very important you take care of this right now.

So, it seems to me you've been very respectful and accommodating to your mother and her wishes up to this point. You've tried with all your might to do what she wants you to do and to live up to her expectations. With taking the drastic step into adulthood and entering college, you've realized there really isn't a way to balance reality and the overbearing expectations of your mom and you need to break free of it, really and take control of your life. You need your mom to understand she has raised you to do your best. She has raised you to do the right things. And she has raised you to be a strong, independent woman ... now she needs to lighten up and have faith in how she's raised you.

How do you do this? Well, you've got to talk to her. This isn't going to be an easy conversation and the fact you want to spare her feelings is admirable, but you've got to have this talk and you've got to be forceful -- yet respectful. It's time.

Your mom needs to know that above all, you love her and you appreciate her. You acknowledge her gentle urging inspires you and makes you want to do your best, BUT ... the pressure she's putting on you is too much for you to handle.

The bottom line? You've got to spell it out VERY clear ... YOU AND YOUR MOM ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. WHAT WORKED FOR HER, DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU. You handle stress differently, you handle situations differently, and lastly, your goals are different.

You need to let your mom know that by constantly expecting more than you can give, she is driving a wedge between the two of you and is putting a strain on your relationship that will eventually cause you to pull away from her completely. She needs to understand it's not healthy. And, in the end, the pressure she's putting you under will give way to resentment and ruin the most important relationship that's in your life right now.

Let your momma know you are doing your best. You are studying, working hard and dedicated to being the best student you can be in college. But you have to do this your way -- and while you will always strive for grade perfection, sometimes, it's not gonna happen. Just as she has to let you make mistakes in life, she needs to let you get through school on your own terms as well. Tell her to have faith in how she's raised you and the values she's instilled in you. Tell her to trust you.

It is very important you let your mom know how her words and unreasonable expectations are hurting you and how they are causing you to start to resent and harbor bitterness towards her. Regardless of the grading systems and how grades are measured/what matters/what doesn't matter ... this is a REAL problem that's affecting your relationship -- and if she wants to have a healthy relationship with you, she needs to lighten up. NOT LET GO in encouraging you to do your best, ... but stop the comparisons. Stop the over-analyzing and get back to encouraging and trusting ... this is the only way you two will get through this.

I know this will be a brutal conversation. But it's got to happen. And if you need a little help, feel free to print this out and send it to your momma. And if you do that, let her know you love her and appreciate her ... because it could be the opposite ... she could just not care at all.

I wish you the best of luck and thank you so so so much for reading.

Friend's Distance & Depression Troubling

Dear Dee:
I'm 18, my best friend in the world just started college in another state. Lately when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds really depressed. When I ask her what's wrong, she says she doesn't' want to talk about it, and she sounds like she's about to cry, then she says she has to go. She also just emailed me and said she thinks she's leaving that school, but didn't' say why.

I think she's shutting me out because she thinks I can't understand what she's going through since I'm staying home for college. I feel so sad thinking about her being sad! I want to help, but I don't want to be pushy.

Should I leave her alone for a while or call her up and insist that she tell me what's going on?

There are 100 things that could be bothering your friend right now. Leaving home and being lonely are only a few of them.

As her trusted, good friend, it is your responsibility to be there for her if and when she wants to talk and to encourage her. While it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask her what's wrong, it's more important that when she tells you she doesn't want to talk about it, that you let her know that it's OK if she doesn't want to talk, but when she's ready to, you're there for her to listen and to help.

Until she confides in you, the best you can do is encourage her and reaffirm to her again and again you're there for her by your calls, your conversation and your support. Respect the fact she doesn't want to talk about it. And occasionally, you can most definitely ask her what's up -- but don't make it a sore spot in your conversations by repeatedly bringing it up.

Whatever your friend decides -- to stay away at school or come home -- just remember how special she is to you and how much you really want her to be happy. If she comes home, don't make her feel like a failure. Instead, help her through her decision and her next steps. If she stays away at school, talk her through her loneliness and let her feel your support through your conversations while she's away. Don't let that part of your relationship change. You are both obviously important to each other and distance can't take that kind of friendship away.

Lastly, don't get offended or put out by your friend not wanting to discuss what's happening in her life right now. She will when she's ready. Her behavior doesn't mean she doesn't value you as a friend, it just means she's going through some stuff she's never experienced before and she may not be sure how to handle it. Sometimes, it's hard to admit that to our friends -- especially those friends who we've left behind or maybe teased a little because they're staying home (did she?).

It will all work out and this will make your friendship stronger if you adjust and persevere through it.

Kicking a Slutty Wrap

Dear Dee:
Everybody at school thinks I'm a slut but I don't think I am one.

People just think that because a lot of guys like me. All of those people who are saying I'm a slut are spreading it all around school. So now I only have like six friends at school.

Do you have any tips to help me make them think I am not a slut?
Based on the info you've given me, I have no idea why your friends think this. And since I don't know a lot about you, I find this question really hard to answer without asking some offensive questions ... but I am going to do it. And I hope you'll just take what I say to heart if it applies ... and if it doesn't, that's even better (in this case, at least!)

One of two things is going on here: These people are just jealous of the attention you're getting from the guys who like you and they're spreading rumors. Or, they're reading something into something you're doing -- inadvertently maybe -- but it's sending off the vibe.

Could you possibly be dressing inappropriately? There is a difference between sexy and slutty. And at your age, the difference is a thin line. Anything too tight, too revealing or just too grown up looking could give the wrong impression. So look critically at your wardrobe.

Also, I am assuming since you're taking offense to what they're saying -- and a slut is a girl who sleeps around a lot -- that you're not doing that. GREAT! But make sure you don't have ex boyfriends who are spreading rumors just to get back at you for whatever reason. Ideally, it would be great to get that person to renounce their lies ... but that might be difficult.

You also said you think the kids are calling you a slut because a lot of guys like you. Well, are you dating a lot of guys? Even if you're not sleeping around, if you're kind of dating from guy to guy with no real 'break' in between, you're sending the wrong message. Slow down a little bit.

Are you overly flirty and HOW are you flirting? Are you inappropriate or maybe overly touchy? How do you act around guys?

Look, I've thrown out some hard hitting stuff here -- and some reasons why people might be thinking the way they're thinking. The bottom line is, some of this might apply and maybe none of it does. I just ask you to look at what you've got going on and see if there's actual adjustments you should make in your behavior. Because if there's reason behind the reputation, of course, you want to change it.

But maybe you're fine. And the only thing you've done to deserve this slanderous gossip is simply be a beautiful girl who guys happen to gravitate towards. And for that, I'm sorry. The jealous, petty girls spreading the rumors are shameful and very, very sad. And any of your friends who've deserted you because of this are just as pitiful as those spreading rumors.

All you can do is keep your head up and don't let them get to you. Be confident and walk tall and proud. Take solice in the fact their bitterness will make them get disgusting frown lines and wrinkles at an early age and their gossip will return to them one day, like 100 times worse ... because seriously, karma is a total B---- (I can't say it because my mom reads my site ... and a girl's never too old to get yelled at by her momma).

Broken Up But I Still Want to Kiss Him

Dear Dee:
I'm 16 and am having trouble with my ex. We went out for a month and a week. I liked him a lot but realized he is rather immature and does silly things. He nearly got himself and his best friend kicked out of college.

I decided it was the best thing for us to break up. We broke up a couple of weeks ago and now we're really good friends. The problem is, we kissed last week and have kissed a few times since. But I still don't want to go out with him again. I do still have some feelings for him but not as much and really don't think I want to go back.

Plus I feel I want to meet different people and not have to be in a committed relationship. I want to enjoy being single for a while. I still want to kiss him again though. It's strange and I don't know what to do. Please help!

You're acting totally inappropriate and selfish here. If you don't want to date him, then you have no business kissing him and leading him on! I mean, unless you want to be known as the kind of person who 'macks on anyone casually. It's just not cool ... seriously!

It's fine for you to be friends with him if you can take the physical out of it, but if you can't, then you need to stay away from him for awhile. Right now, you're messing around with him emotionally and physically and this is NOT what nice girls do.

You need to have respect enough for yourself to not just fool around when you already know you're not interested in pursuing a relationship. While it might be the norm in college to casually kiss around, sleep around and mess around with whomever you want, that doesn't make it the right. And while you might be saying to yourself 'it's just a kiss' ... I say to you, 'It's just the start.'

you specifically point out that you don't like his actions and how he doesn't seem to be responsible and mature. What you're doing, shows relationship immaturity and irresponsibility.

If you're broken up, you're broken up. Stop messing around.

Making a Class Switch: Smart?

Dear Dee:
Last semester my best friend and I were in the same elective. We both had a lot of fun but now a new semester is coming. This time around my best friend and I are in different electives.

She has already asked me to switch electives to be in the same one as she is. I kinda want to switch electives so we could be in the same class. If I don't switch electives I'd only see my best friend at lunch. I was talking to my mom about this and she said I probably shouldn't do it. What do you think, Dee? Thanks in advance!

OK. Call me Ms. Practical here, but which elective is better for furthering your education? Which elective interests you more?

While I totally get you wanting to hang with your friend during class, that's really more of a class perk than a prerequisite. Your class schedule and your class load should be based entirely on what you need to get a great education.

So, with that in mind, what is the best choice?

I know ... count on Dee to take all the fun out of selecting classes ... ugh.

HELP! Midterm Study Frenzy

Dear Dee:
I'M STRESSING OUT! My midterms are next week, and it seems like I don't know how to study. It's a problem for me, because midterms mean a lot on my grade.

Can you help me in anyway?

The best formula I have found to study for tests in high school and in college is to totally commit MURDERS ... not the illegal kind, but the totally legal kind that doesn't harm ANYONE! Check it out:

Mood: Study in positive surroundings, free from distractions and noises. Also believe in yourself and your ability to absorb the information.

Understand: Don't just memorize it ... UNDERSTAND it. If you don't get it, you can't possibly expect it to be easy for you to RECALL it.

Recall: Figure out cute ways to memorize facts. We're not talking the Hannah Montana BONE DANCE or anything, but something that jives with how you learn.

Digest: Digesting your study facts is the perfect combination of Understanding and recollection -- it means the info has totally clicked with you and is not only engraved in your brain, but is now a part of your knowledge base.

Expand: Don't look at expanding on your information as more work -- think of it as a way for you to achieve understanding, recollection and digestion. Expansion allows you to really get to the core of what you need to know.

Review: This is where study partners come in ... reread those chapters, glance over those notes and quiz until you go crazy ...

Sleep: Don't underestimate the power of a good night's rest before test night. Don't cram late the night before -- pace your studying the week before your test so you just have to review the night before ... then eat right and turn in early.

If you follow this strategy, you'll do a great job on those tests. Trust me.

Overwhelmed at Home & School

Dear Dee:
To me at this point at my life, it sucks. being middle school is so hard for me I can barely keep up with my school work and people treat me like I'm some kind of freak or something or cast me aside like garbage.

On top of that, I have family issues. Sometimes I wish I can get away from it all. The only way I can is to read or draw. It's like when I'm reading, I am in my own world where I can be alone. And when I draw I let my feelings show.

But, with my parents working, a lazy talkative 17-year-old, two younger sisters I have to keep from tearing at each other's throats and a feisty 2-year-old cousin, who do you think gets stuck with all the work?

So you can only be imagine right know what I go through every day. I only have one question to ask you, what do I do?

You keep your head up and keep your outlook positive.

You are lucky in that you have hobbies you love -- reading and drawing are excellent escapes from life around you and it is important for you to take that time whenever you start to feel overwhelmed or at a breaking point. Everyone needs 'me' time and with the demands of your home life and your school schedule, it's extremely important!

Also, I know you are trying to help your parents, but it is important to let them know you're feeling overwhelmed in all you've taken on at home. Granted, a certain amount of help is required and expected -- but it might be that they've given you a little more responsibility than you're ready to take on. So, you should talk to them.

Just be sure that when you do this, you are respectful and truthful. Tell them how you feel.

You know, middle school is hard. And there is no excuse for how you're being treated at school. But I would encourage you to keep your head up and know that you are extremely valuable and important. If these kids around you can't see that, that's their loss. And one day, you're outshine them all. I know it. Just do your best to get through it and keep your head up. You are a very important part of this world and you have a purpose that is only yours to fulfill. Remember that. It should make you feel so very special knowing that you are unique and destined to something great and a life only you can live to its fullest.

Don't forget it.

I'm Not Popular & It's Killing Me

Dear Dee:
I'm a 14-year-old boy, a freshman in high school and I'm not popular, and it's killing me. I can't impress any of the popular girls, I can't even look at the girl I like without getting a sign of her not noticing me.

I can't say anything around the popular guys without getting made fun of, and I can't be accepted by the cool crowd. Please advise.

Your biggest problem isn't the fact you can't get noticed by the populars or this girl you like -- it's that you are trying so hard to get noticed and accepted by this group.

I know you've heard the expression, 'you're trying too hard' ... and dude, you totally are. Lighten up a bit and stop caring about acceptance so much.

You have to be happy with yourself and who you are before you can expect anyone else to accept you and acknowledge you. And the fact this group isn't letting you 'in' shouldn't define who you are and it most definitely shouldn't have a bearing on your happiness. Because if you let it, you will most definitely never be happy. And that's just sad.

Stand up straight, be yourself and better yet, LIKE YOURSELF. Like yourself for who you are, the friends you have and the person you will become. Be proud of it. And don't let a group of popular kids, who you probably won't even recognize at your 10-year high school reunion, run your life. Take control and do it now before you ruin your high school years.

I don't know if you changing your outlook the way I've described will make your dream girl fall for you. And I don't know if it will cause the populars to let you in or get the guys to stop laughing at you. But I can guarantee it will change your life and outlook. And to me, that's what matters.

Walking Taller Among Clique-ish Schoolmates

Dear Dee:
I am 13 years old. I go to a private school, so I have a very small class.

There are 11 kids in my class, and there is only three other girls. the problem is, the girls are really cruel and make fun of me because of the way I dress and because of how short I am.

They also make fun of me because I hang out with guys more than I hang out with girls. I really hate that they make fun of me just because I hang out with guys. It's also stupid they do that because they hang out with, and are friends with, the exact same guys!

I don't know what to do, and I'm getting really stressed out. I'm hating school more than I did before. I have friends there, but most of them are 11th and 12th graders an a couple of 8th graders.

Hey, I went to private school, too and know exactly about the small classes, the gossip and the mean girls. I graduated with seven kids ... and my aunt actually was one of two in her graduating class!

What sucks about private school is that there usually is only one or two people who get picked on and EVERYONE picks on them ... vs. a big school, there are multiple people. So, I can definitely see how it can take its toll on you.

I know your cousin, who you say is going to the school too, has told you to ignore the girls and just do your own thing ... and I am going to offer you the same advice. See, most girls are nervous around guys -- and it doesn't sound like you are since the guys are your main friends. Girls are threatened by other girls who can connect with guys on a friendly level. So in a way, these girls are jealous of the relationship you have with these guys.

What you could do, is try to play it to your advantage ... like if you knew one of the girls liked one of the guys you hang with, you could kinda use your 'in' with the guy to help the girl out. But regardless of whether you do that or not, don't let these girls intimidate you. Continue to be yourself and be comfortable with who you are ... that's what matters.

Now regarding your height: You didn't ask directly, but I figured I'd give you a few tips on how to look a little taller. Of course there are heels, but there are also other things you can do. First off, wear clothes that fit you. Bagginess makes a shorter person look like the clothes are wearing them ... not the other way around. Stay away from thick, bulky belts. Stick to thin belts. Also, wearing the same color on top and bottom increases the appearance of height.

Lastly, make sure to walk straight and sit up straight. Posture is key to making yourself appear taller.

Hope all this helps!

Free Education With Strings Attached

Dear Dee:
So I have this situation that I am in. Right now I am a freshman in college and I live with some friends in Illinois and am going to community college and actually doing pretty well.

I have a B average for the first time in a long time. But the problem is money (like always.) Now I have this option to go out to Utah and my family will help me with college, and help me get into a four-year university. I mean it seems great, but I'm finally happy with what I've got, Like the friends and situation. I kind of think it's bull they are only willing to help if I move there. But they have already told me that's the way it has to be if they are going to pay for it.

I mean it's a great idea because then I won't be stressing about my financial situation all the time, and all my friends say I should just do it because I won't get another chance like this. But if I go out there, I have to go for three years straight, No summer breaks or anything, meaning I could hardly, if ever, see my friends until I'm done getting my B.A. -- and even then I plan on doing more schooling.

Everyone tells me they will be here when I get back, but I don't want to miss out on everything for three years.

I totally get where you're coming from and I hear both sides of the argument regarding your family paying for school. I can understand why they want you to go to school in the same state they live in -- instate tuition is considerably lower than out of state. And, maybe they just want you close to home -- no fault in that.

Unfortunately, this money has some strings attached. And if you want to finish school without financial worries and school loans, then it most definitely is the way to go.

Would I do it? Yes ... and I actually did. My grandparents paid for me to go to college and they only had certain schools they'd pay for. For me, it didn't seem like their offer had conditions -- it was just how they preferred to spend their money. And hey, I respected that and appreciate their generosity even now (THANK YOU GRAMPS AND GRANNY!).

I know your friends are a huge consideration here for you. But you know, we all leave our friends sometimes. Our lives change, our situations change and our needs change. It's all part of growing up and adapting our lives to the situations we're dealing with. So while you're concerns and fears are valid, are they really realistic and important when faced with the opportunity of a free education and bettering yourself? Well, that's what you have to decide.

I hope I've explained this clearly in a way that makes it a little more black and white for you. Hey, please let me know what you decide, OK? I am most definitely interested.