Embarassed When Friends Talk Sex

Dear Dee:
I am 19 years old and in my second year of university. I found the transition from High School to University very difficult, but now that I'm in my second year, I feel much more comfortable. I have made few friends, but we're becoming very close and I'm so happy about that.

What I'm writing to ask advice for is, my friends are very open sexually. They talk about their hook-ups and experiences easily and are now wondering about me. The truth is, I'm 19 and NEVER been kissed!

I almost find it embarassing - I feel like a little girl when they talk ... they say stuff and I blush and do my best not to laugh, but on the inside, I feel left out and almost weird in a world where I see people kissing on the street corners and the who-knows-what at parties, and there I am, the loser who hasn't had a simple kiss!
Any advice for me?

Do NOT be embarrassed. And there is no reason in this world you should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, this world is totally screwed up when girls talk about their sexual exploits as casually as they talk about the sale at the shoe store. YOU are the one in the right here. These other girls are wrong. And while that's hard for you to see, it is the truth.

It absolutely sickens me how our society has made sex such a casual, conversational thing. It is disgusting how it is a symbol of status among guys and girls. It is VERY VERY wrong!

Let me tell you this: While you're sitting there, listening to the girls talk about their latest one-nighter, and acting like it was a conquest. What they're not telling you is how they're really burying the fact there was no emotional attachment. They’re not talking about the fact that even though they were 'protected,' there's still a part of them that wonders if they'll get pregnant or a disease. They're not talking about how they feel cheap and disgusting because the guy they had sex with probably doesn't even remember their names.

Oh oh ... and let's not forget this extremely disgusting fact: When people sleep around casually, each sexual encounter isn't just with one person, it's with pretty much every person that person has had sex with and so on and so on ... UGH! THAT IS SO SO SO SO GROSS!

OK. So we've talked about 'what they're not saying ...' now let's talk about what they're not doing, OK?

These girls aren't allowing themselves to experience something meaningful with their future husbands. They're not saving anything to give to the one person they are committing their lives to. They aren't realizing they are SPECIAL enough and WORTH WAITING FOR.

And you know what? You are! When you experience the kiss you'll know you're ready and you're mature enough to handle it. You'll know what you want in a guy and you'll be able to choose accordingly.

See, these girls deep down, know what they're doing is inappropriate and wrong. But when they talk about it and are able to share their experiences collectively, they're validating their behavior to themselves ... thinking that it's OK because others are doing it, too.

Don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. Not to be cliché, but you are a RARE jewel and the guy who finds you is so so so lucky. You are worth it. You are worth waiting for. And you're 'lack' of their type of experience is not a slight against you. And that's how you should portray it if you decide to tell them.

You're a great example. And you know what? I'm proud to know you!

Dated 3 Times, But Didn't Work Out

Dear Dee:
I have went out with this guy four times and it has never worked out. But we are still bff's and I can tell him anything. He is going out with one of my good friends now and I know he will NEVER like me in that way again -- even though I like him A LOT.

When I am around him I always end up acting stupid or weird. And sometimes I feel really happy when I am with him but also sometimes I feel sooo sad. I don't know what to do. I just know I can't stop thinking about him.

Hey, sometimes we just fall for the wrong guy. It's as simple as that. We try making a relationship work once, twice -- even three times, but it's just not the right time for that relationship to take off. It sucks, but it happens. That's not to say it will NEVER happen, but for right now, it doesn't seem like he's the guy for you.

So you're going to go through some painful times right now. It's gonna make you sad to see him with another girl, it's gonna hit you in the heart when he talks about other girls -- but if you're going to be his best friend, and you want to have at least that part of a relationship, you're going to have to deal with it.

I KNOW IT'S HARD! But maybe you could think about what really didn't work in your relationships. Why couldn't you guys make it happen? What went wrong and why couldn't you work it out? If you tried three times and still couldn't have a thriving relationship then something was/is consistently wrong. Keep that in mind when the feelings hit you. Try to realize that right now, you just work so much better as friends. And while you're heart may not like to hear it, right now you're mind will have to take over and bring your heart around to reason, understanding and finally acceptance.

If you need to, you might even consider stepping back for a few days from your friendship just to try to get a handle on your feelings. Maybe this will help you sort through it and figure out how to move on.

I wish you the best!

Friend's Mom Is A Ticking Time Bomb

Dear Dee:
I have a 17-year-old friend whose mom has put her through a lot of physical and emotion abuse. Her mom is on medication for depression and has also had thoughts of suicide.

I have noticed her mom believes the answer to all of her problems is threatening to cut my friend from all support and kicking her out. I want to prepare myself if and when anything happens so I am reaching out to anyone and everyone for help and answers.

Your friend is really really lucky to have someone like you looking out for her. This is a very difficult situation for a friend to have to watch another friend go through. And it is even harder to actually want to help your friend through it -- instead of just being on the outside, looking in.

Your friend is 17, so she's almost legally an adult. And if her situation doesn't get any better, I'd highly recommend your friend gets the heck out of Dodge as soon as she's able to. In order for her to develop emotionally and independently, she needs to remove herself from the hostile, threatening environment her mom has obviously created for her. And while I think it is a horrible to consider abandoning one's mom, if your friend and her family have done all they can to try to help this woman, then in order to survive personally, she might just have to do that.

Before your friend's ready to leave home, though, and if she does get kicked out and cut off, just be there for her. If you're not able to take her in (not sure of your family situation) then maybe you can help her reach out to a local churches' youth ministry for support. In fact, this would be a great place for both of you to get some help in this situation. Sometimes, when situations seem really, really helpless and a person really has no where else to go, GOD is the answer and the faith and support of other believers can get you through the situation.

There are also hotlines listed here.You can reach out to one of the domestic abuse hotlines or give the number directly to your friend. Seroiusly, this is something you two shouldn't deal with alone and when we're dealing with issues such as suicidal parents, threatening situations and the like, it's always a great idea to get professional help. Those people on the other end of the hotlines can give you all the info you need.

Hang in there. Continue to be a great friend, listen and do whatever you can to help your friend out of this situation. Also, encourage her to rise above all she's been through and become the best person she can be. Too many people have to climb mountains to make up for the fact they had HUGE JERKS for parents ... but overcoming that can most definitely be done. Especially when a person has a great friend by her side.

Secret Crush Is Also My Friend

Dear Dee:
Hey, I love this site, it's my homepage!

I've been going through a hard time in my life and this site has helped me realize that my life isn't the worst it can be. But now I have a simple teen-age problem.

I've liked this guy since the moment I meet him and we instantly became friends. A while ago, he told me he doesn't like me, jokingly. I told a few friends I like him and yesterday one approached him with: I heard you like (insert my name here). He shrugged and said, "I just don't know anymore. We're friends, but you know."

I was thrilled when I heard this, but he doesn't know I know. In the class we have together, I sit next to him, but he's not his normal friendly-flirty self for the past two weeks. He's shyer and almost afraid to talk to me, if I'm not talking to him first.

He isn't like this around any other of his friends, including girl ones.

Does this mean he has feelings for me, he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, or am I just reading into it too much? Thanks so much, cause I am completly lost (even worse than the show)!

Major props to you for making 'Dear Dee' your homepage! Thanks for that. If you could see me, you'd see this huge grin ... (and you'd see me eating a Watermelon Jolly Rancher ... my favorite.)

ANYWAY, someone else's emotions are just too hard to try to read ... so instead of guessing, you need to just find out what's up. And since he's your good friend and his behavior towards you has changed, you have an easy in for the conversation.

Ask him what's going on. Tell him you've noticed a change and you want to know if you've done anything or if there's anything you can help him out with -- because, of course, that's what friends do!

More than likely, he'll tell you nothing's wrong and he's all good ... but tell him you know him too well and you've noticed he's treating you differently. Then kinda just wait. See if he shrugs it off or says something that leads you to reveal you like him. If he doesn't, just continue to be his friend. Don't push it. See what happens. He might be a little conflicted right now and you don't want to come off as desperate or fishing for info. So, playing it cool is most definitely the way to go.

I know it's easier and less embarassing to find out info about your crush from others, but it really isn't reliable and wouldn't you much rather find out personal info from the source instead of getting it second or third hand? You don't need your friends teasing him or trying to find out things he's not ready to reveal. He doesn't need the pressure -- and it could easily turn him off. So take matters into your own hands and you'll get results. ...

When it comes to crushes, being in control is a GREAT thing ... so take charge.

Everyone Says We're GREAT Together, BUT ...

Dear Dee:
OK, first I just wanted to say I love your site! It really helps and I know you will always be there for me.

Anyways, I have this friend, he's a guy. I hang out with him all of the time.

Everyone at school says we should go out and we would make a cute couple. They say they could see us getting married when we are older. I don't really think that [although a small part of me does] and he told me he doesn't think that either.

There is a dance coming up and everyone says we should dance together at it. I know he won't want to. I really don't want to but a small part of me does. I used to like him, but now we are really good friends. I guess you could say he is my best guy friend. I don't know what I should do. Can you help?

I am so so so glad you enjoy the site. I am even more thrilled it helps you. I can't tell you what this means to me. THANK YOU! Hey, you wanna know something else that's VERY VERY special about your post? Your question and response is the 300th I've posted on the new site! WHOO HOO!!!!! (I totally wish confetti could fall down from the sky as well as some way awesome balloons when everyone reads this ... but technology hasn't come THAT far ... yet.)

Now, down to business: So ... who really cares what everyone says? You need to consider here, what YOU think.

Do you want to be a 'couple' with this guy or are you cool with the status quo? This is the question you have to answer. You say only a small part of you has thought romantically about your friend. In my mind, this isn't enough of a 'thought' to ruin a friendship. So I'd give it some more time and see if any other feelings develop. Don't rush into a relationship and ruin something great because others are pushing you into it. They see things more superficially -- on the outside -- than you do. You're in the thick of it. It's your life. It's your decision. And it's friendship at stake here. So who cares what everyone else thinks.

His Flirting a Sign He Likes Me?

Dear Dee:
There's this guy at school and I've known him for a while now. He went out with one of my friends and the other night, he kept poking me, flirting and being around me. Then when we go to leave the fundraiser, he gave me two huge hugs.

Anyway, he dated another girl, who I'm good friends with and they've split up but she still really likes him. But I think he likes me I don't know what to do.

I don't ever think it's a good idea for a girl to date a friend's ex. It just ends up causing problems ... but if you and this girl aren't the best of friends, then maybe it's worth it.

First off, you've got to figure out if this guy likes you. You can read into the flirting depending on the type. You know how he usually acts around you -- was his flirting different and maybe a little more personal than usual? And the poking ... hum. Well, while this might seem like a form of flirting to you, it actually isn't all that cool for a guy to think he actually has the right to touch you -- even if it is in a playful manner. So watch out on this. I understand it was innocent and in fun, but still ... this put up a warning flag for me. The hugs? Well, a hug is a hug. As one of my favorite movies points out, there's a hug where you kinda just bend over and hug then there's a hug that's a little more personal and close. What type was it?

Of course, if you really wanna know if he likes you, just ask him. Take a chance and see what happens! But if you do this, have replies for each scenario. And keep your cool!

Second of all, you need to weigh your friendship with the friend who still likes him and figure out if it's worth possibly losing over dating this guy. I have found out friendships last longer than most dating relationships. But only you know how important this one is to you. So make a decision based on your feelings and be ready to live with whatever happens.

Come Clean With Parents, Then Help Friend

Dear Dee:
I have a gigantic problem!

Today, my parents were talking to me and my sister about drugs. It didn't get uncomfortable until they asked if I knew anyone who did drugs. I lied and said no.

But recently one of my friends told me he smokes. He also hangs with my bff and ever since her mom got married to a guy she doesn't like she has been acting rebellious.

She has told us about a ton of dumb stuff she has done and she broke up with her boyfriend for a reason she won't tell us and I have a feeling it wasn't just because she got bored.

Her and her new boyfriend have been sneaking behind her mom's back and doing inappropriate things. How can I talk to my friend about this and help her have a future that doesn't involve having to drop out?

So, you said you lied to your parents, but you said your friend just smokes ... I am assuming he smokes an illegal substance because if it's cigarettes, that's not an ILLEGAL drug ...

But anyway, first of all, you've got to come clean with your parents. Laying a foundation of lies about something as serious as drugs even though you aren't doing them yourself will cause distrust and a total loss of respect if your parents find out. So, don't even mess with that. I know it sucks to rat out a friend, but your parents asked you point blank. And it just isn't right to lie to them -- especially if you want to be the kind of kid a parent can trust.

Secondly, your BFF ... yeah. Sounds like she's quickly heading down a wrong path. And while it's easy to chalk her actions up to rebellion, let's not minimize these problems in that way and realize she needs to make some serious life changes.

It seems like you understand, but your friend is making choices right now that will affect the rest of her life. And we want her to make STRONG decisions. Not STUPID ones. So, you need to do what a BFF does ... talk to her.

One thing I depend on my best friend for is ACCOUNTABILITY. If a best friend can't be honest with you when you're 100 percent wrong, then who can be? You should be able to talk to your friend and tell her how it is. So do it! Tell her you're worried about her and you are sure she's making some inappropriate and wrong decisions. Let her know you are worried about the consequences of those decisions and you can't just sit back and let her make them without telling her.

Then, after this discussion, tell her you care about her and what happens in her life. Let her know that you're there for her -- and you want to help her through whatever is happening at home, school or whatever in her life that's causing her turmoil.

Lastly, if you seriously find that you can't get through to your friend and her choices are getting her further and further in trouble, you might just have to walk away. It's the last resort, but good friends gone bad can really bring you down. And there does come a point when you've done all you can -- and have to move on. It's SAD and HORRIBLE. But you can't let yourself get pulled into her web or deceit and destruction.

I hope you can work this out with your friend. And I do hope you make the right choice to talk to your parents about your little lie.

Friend's Distance & Depression Troubling

Dear Dee:
I'm 18, my best friend in the world just started college in another state. Lately when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds really depressed. When I ask her what's wrong, she says she doesn't' want to talk about it, and she sounds like she's about to cry, then she says she has to go. She also just emailed me and said she thinks she's leaving that school, but didn't' say why.

I think she's shutting me out because she thinks I can't understand what she's going through since I'm staying home for college. I feel so sad thinking about her being sad! I want to help, but I don't want to be pushy.

Should I leave her alone for a while or call her up and insist that she tell me what's going on?

There are 100 things that could be bothering your friend right now. Leaving home and being lonely are only a few of them.

As her trusted, good friend, it is your responsibility to be there for her if and when she wants to talk and to encourage her. While it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask her what's wrong, it's more important that when she tells you she doesn't want to talk about it, that you let her know that it's OK if she doesn't want to talk, but when she's ready to, you're there for her to listen and to help.

Until she confides in you, the best you can do is encourage her and reaffirm to her again and again you're there for her by your calls, your conversation and your support. Respect the fact she doesn't want to talk about it. And occasionally, you can most definitely ask her what's up -- but don't make it a sore spot in your conversations by repeatedly bringing it up.

Whatever your friend decides -- to stay away at school or come home -- just remember how special she is to you and how much you really want her to be happy. If she comes home, don't make her feel like a failure. Instead, help her through her decision and her next steps. If she stays away at school, talk her through her loneliness and let her feel your support through your conversations while she's away. Don't let that part of your relationship change. You are both obviously important to each other and distance can't take that kind of friendship away.

Lastly, don't get offended or put out by your friend not wanting to discuss what's happening in her life right now. She will when she's ready. Her behavior doesn't mean she doesn't value you as a friend, it just means she's going through some stuff she's never experienced before and she may not be sure how to handle it. Sometimes, it's hard to admit that to our friends -- especially those friends who we've left behind or maybe teased a little because they're staying home (did she?).

It will all work out and this will make your friendship stronger if you adjust and persevere through it.

I'm Stumped: No One Likes Me

Dear Dee:
At school, no one likes me. They all hate me or they all call me a weirdo. I've been called the b-word lots of times. I've recently been broken up with.

I really liked this boy, but, he liked me at first, then when he found out I liked him, he didn't like me. We went out for a couple weeks, but, it seemed like we never went out at all.

I look my best every day, I do everything i can to get boys to like me, but it never happens. I don't know what to do. I'm in the 8th grade and I'm totally stumped!

So Dee, could you please give me some advice?? I really need the help.

Sometimes, getting people to like you is as simple as changing your mindset. Right now, it appears you're doing all the right things, but for all the wrong reasons.

You shouldn't look your best, act your best and put on your best face just so other people will take notice. You should do it because YOU want to. Because you take pride in yourself and you know you deserve to always put your best foot forward. Don't do this stuff for others. Do it for yourself.

See, when we constantly put ourselves out there just to try to get praise from others we almost guarantee we won't get that praise and will be grossly disappointed. This happens all the time -- you know, when you get a great grade and your parents don't praise you or you get a haircut and no one notices ...So it is just better to do these things for yourself -- and when someone notices, it's bonus and an unexpected surprise.

Quite a few things happen emotionally when you start realizing how important it is to be happy with yourself. You'll find people gravitate towards your self confidence and your great attitude. You'll also find that you're happier with life in general because finally, you're doing things because YOU love to do them and because YOU are calling the shots in your life.

And if you ask guys, there are very few things more attractive to them than a girl who knows what she wants, knows why she wants it and is confident in herself.

So, how about you try really, really hard to start working on your self esteem. Stop thinking about what every one else will say if you wear your hair and makeup a certain way and do things the way you like them because you like them.

I promise you'll see your world so much differently and you'll be happier.

Kicking a Slutty Wrap

Dear Dee:
Everybody at school thinks I'm a slut but I don't think I am one.

People just think that because a lot of guys like me. All of those people who are saying I'm a slut are spreading it all around school. So now I only have like six friends at school.

Do you have any tips to help me make them think I am not a slut?
Based on the info you've given me, I have no idea why your friends think this. And since I don't know a lot about you, I find this question really hard to answer without asking some offensive questions ... but I am going to do it. And I hope you'll just take what I say to heart if it applies ... and if it doesn't, that's even better (in this case, at least!)

One of two things is going on here: These people are just jealous of the attention you're getting from the guys who like you and they're spreading rumors. Or, they're reading something into something you're doing -- inadvertently maybe -- but it's sending off the vibe.

Could you possibly be dressing inappropriately? There is a difference between sexy and slutty. And at your age, the difference is a thin line. Anything too tight, too revealing or just too grown up looking could give the wrong impression. So look critically at your wardrobe.

Also, I am assuming since you're taking offense to what they're saying -- and a slut is a girl who sleeps around a lot -- that you're not doing that. GREAT! But make sure you don't have ex boyfriends who are spreading rumors just to get back at you for whatever reason. Ideally, it would be great to get that person to renounce their lies ... but that might be difficult.

You also said you think the kids are calling you a slut because a lot of guys like you. Well, are you dating a lot of guys? Even if you're not sleeping around, if you're kind of dating from guy to guy with no real 'break' in between, you're sending the wrong message. Slow down a little bit.

Are you overly flirty and HOW are you flirting? Are you inappropriate or maybe overly touchy? How do you act around guys?

Look, I've thrown out some hard hitting stuff here -- and some reasons why people might be thinking the way they're thinking. The bottom line is, some of this might apply and maybe none of it does. I just ask you to look at what you've got going on and see if there's actual adjustments you should make in your behavior. Because if there's reason behind the reputation, of course, you want to change it.

But maybe you're fine. And the only thing you've done to deserve this slanderous gossip is simply be a beautiful girl who guys happen to gravitate towards. And for that, I'm sorry. The jealous, petty girls spreading the rumors are shameful and very, very sad. And any of your friends who've deserted you because of this are just as pitiful as those spreading rumors.

All you can do is keep your head up and don't let them get to you. Be confident and walk tall and proud. Take solice in the fact their bitterness will make them get disgusting frown lines and wrinkles at an early age and their gossip will return to them one day, like 100 times worse ... because seriously, karma is a total B---- (I can't say it because my mom reads my site ... and a girl's never too old to get yelled at by her momma).

Getting Over a Crush

Dear Dee:
I think you give great advice. Thank you so much for doing so. I was wondering if you could help me...

I'm having trouble getting over someone. Last year, I had a HUGE crush on a guy. He's cute, plays the guitar, he has good manners, and he can be sweet. He seems so perfect, but I've heard from many people he's cheated on some of his previous girlfriends, which is one of the reasons why I want to get over him.

Another reason is I'm really embarrassed. I made a complete fool of myself when I was around him. I know he didn't like me, because one of my friends told him my secret, and he said he just didn't like me like that. I was heartbroken, and I kept having mixed emotions. I can't even explain how I felt. So, one day, I went to the school counseling office to talk, because my friends were of no help at all. She suggested she set up a meeting between me, my crush, and herself. It was totally awkward. I barely said anything, because the counselor basically said it all for me.

I don't remember it that well, but I do remember my crush seemed annoyed with me when I tried to be his friend which resulted in him avoiding me throughout the year and the summer.

This year, I've been stand-offish, but we're kinda talking now. He doesn't seem like he has a problem with me. I thought I had gotten over him but, I think I may be starting to get feelings for him again, and I really don't want to.

I'm not allowed to date, and I don't really want to. I've been trying extremely hard not to get too caught up in relationships. My sister tells me life is all about choices, and I can simply choose not to like him, but that method doesn't seem to work for me.

I never want to feel really embarrassed and ashamed like I did before. I'm so stressed out by all this and I don't know what to do. I don't want to do that whole "talking to him" thing again.

I keep telling myself there's someone better out there for me. Do you have any other tips on getting over a guy?

I can't even imagine how you felt when your counselor took it upon herself to intervene in a crush ... I seriously find that ... bizarre. Doesn't seem like that's the kind of thing a school counselor should do! But I am not trained in that area, so I don't know for sure ...

ANYWAY, you've got to stop letting that scene haunt you and try to move past it. Your sister is right: Life IS about choices. It's about making smart, solid choices. BUT, unfortunately, you can't choose sometimes you who love.

What you can do, is recognize that you do actually dig this guy, BUT that right now, he's not the right guy for you and it's not the right time to get into a relationship with him. Who knows what'll happen in the future, but right now isn't the time.

Keeping your distance is wise. It allows you to not only heal, but it helps both of you get over the awkwardness of last year's experience. He needs to stop thinking of you as the girl who has the crush on him and start looking at you differently. See, you already said you felt he was annoyed with you last year -- and that's because the whole counselor incident probably made you appear a little desperate to him. By keeping your distance and having the occasional conversation you'll reverse that.

There are no absolute tricks to getting over a guy you're crushing on, but keeping busy and diving into something you really love always helps! Pick up a few of your hobbies again. Hang out with your friends. And when they ask you about him, shrug it off and move on to another topic. Do all you can to just think of something else.

It will just take time. And if you're meant to date a little later this year or next or whenever, you'll know it and you'll be stronger. You'll also know how to play it a little better.

Hey, don't sweat it and stop being embarrassed. He's just a guy and rest assured he's done tons of embarrassing things, too.

Making a Class Switch: Smart?

Dear Dee:
Last semester my best friend and I were in the same elective. We both had a lot of fun but now a new semester is coming. This time around my best friend and I are in different electives.

She has already asked me to switch electives to be in the same one as she is. I kinda want to switch electives so we could be in the same class. If I don't switch electives I'd only see my best friend at lunch. I was talking to my mom about this and she said I probably shouldn't do it. What do you think, Dee? Thanks in advance!

OK. Call me Ms. Practical here, but which elective is better for furthering your education? Which elective interests you more?

While I totally get you wanting to hang with your friend during class, that's really more of a class perk than a prerequisite. Your class schedule and your class load should be based entirely on what you need to get a great education.

So, with that in mind, what is the best choice?

I know ... count on Dee to take all the fun out of selecting classes ... ugh.

Afraid Shyness Will Get In the Way

Dear Dee:
At school I am really quiet. I don't know why it's just who I am. I have a lot of cool friends and all but I just hate being so quiet!

I was wondering if you could give me some tips to break out of my shell and start talking more. Also, I like this boy a lot and I think he will ask me out but I'm scared to say yes.

I have never had a boyfriend before. I'm 14. I'm just very scared because I know I will be shy doing things with him and I don't know what I should do. I feel if I'm quiet around him he will stop liking me but I really want to be with him.

Don't worry about being too shy if this guy asks you out. ... He likes you for you. And part of being you is your shyness.

There is a mystery and innocence about shyness and as long as you don't let being shy overtake you and freak you out, it's not a problem.

Sounds like what you need to do is decide you won't let being shy become the trait that defines who you are. Your shyness is a part of your personality, but it shouldn't keep you from exploring life, enjoying it and making as many friends as you want to.

Whenever you feel your being shy overtaking you or making you scared to 'get out there,' just take a quick step back, breath and gather up your confidence. And when you feel like you can't find that confidence, just dig a little deeper. It's there. You just have to believe in it. Seriously! It's true!

Don't worry about this guy. If you like him, and he likes you just go with it and have fun. Don't get caught up worrying about being shy. Worrying about it is the easiest way for you to actually have problems. Just let it happen and be confident.

Close Friend Shows Two Sides

Dear Dee:
I have this friend and we've been close for three years. I love her, she's awesome ... sometimes.

Other times, though, she's just terrible. We all tease her, but she singles ME out and says I'm a hateful person. She never comes to my birthday parties or slumber parties because she "just doesn't feel like it." Which, as far as I'm concerned, isn't very nice because she never forks that excuse out to my other friends.

We tried to talk to her one morning, and she walks off saying how she hates having to come in the morning because she has to talk to us!

I really want to talk to her, but she gets really defensive and says I'm acting stupid. What should I do?

Well, I can't say you don't deserve for her to be a little testy with you if you're among the ones who tease, too.

There are several different types of teasing. And all I can think is that your friend really doesn't like to be teased -- regardless of whether it's hurtful teasing or teasing in fun. Maybe that's why she doesn't come to your parties. And maybe she is a little more hateful to you because she considers you a special friend and is more hurt by your teasing.

I really don't know. I am just throwing out what could possibly be the case. You should ease off the teasing -- even when others are doing it and see how she reacts to that. You should also pull her aside and have a heart-to-heart with her, letting her know how much you value her friendship and enjoy her company. You said yourself she's awesome when she's not being hateful. So see if this softens her up a bit. Also let her know you are really going to try to back off of the teasing ... OK?

If this doesn't change your friend's disposition a little, then there is probably some underlying issues with her personally. And if she's the kind of friend you want to keep around, try to help her.

Girlfriend Equals Tension Between Guy Friends

Dear Dee:
My guy friend is with this girl I don't care for and he won't have anything to do with me anymore. He says when we were friends I was too needy.

All I wanted was to see him sometimes but because of his work and him going to college and him spending most of his time with this girl, I never got to see him. Well, now we are talking again a little but he still doesn't get the fact I disapprove of this relationship. He says I still have feelings for him, more than a friend should, which is so far from the truth. I want his friendship back but if he all he's going to do is keep treating me this way what should I do?

If you really want your friendship back, then you need to back off the girlfriend. Unless you have extremely valid reasons your friend should care about for not liking her, you need to stay quiet and leave him alone about his relationship. You've already told him you don't like her -- so enough said. He's a big boy -- and you've made your opinion known -- he has the right to share your opinion or disregard it. So, let him. Don't force what you believe onto him. Your trying to do this will most definitely keep that wedge firmly between your friendship.

I rarely have heard of one guy telling his friend he's too needy, but if your friend feels your suffocating him, then really all you can do is back off. Don't continually try to verbally convince him you're not needy. Show him. Don't call all the time. Don't complain about not spending time with him. Don't make him uncomfortable by telling him how much you value his friendship.

The truth is, some guys are great at expressing themselves and take that expression well and others don't. You're obviously expressive and that expressiveness seems to freak your friend out!

I know I keep saying it, but seriously the answer to all your friendship problems with this guy is to either back off or call it quits. There normally isn't a negotiation point when one person in a friendship feels smothered. Sorry! Wish I could be more help for ya.

He's Not Ready for a Relationship

Dear Dee:
Well I heard about your website and I thought coming to you for advice would be the best idea. There's this guy I like ... I mean REALLY LIKE ... almost to the point where I think I'm in love.

We've been talking for about 3 months now, and he's told me he liked me a lot, too. Just a couple days ago he said he loved me. Throughout the times we've been talking, we've gotten closer and closer. I trust him with anything, I know he's got my back and all and he just seems so perfect. His friends come up to me all the time talking about how much he talks about me, and it seemed like everybody knew about us.

We aren't going out, but with the kind of relationship we had, it seemed as if that's what the next step was going to be. But just recently, he calls me up with the strangest thing ever... He tells me he "isn't ready for a relationship."

This has me thinking, because he totally made me think we were going somewhere with this. I mean, I respect him for actually telling me this beforehand so I wouldn't get hurt, but I am and it's killing me.

How do I know if he's still willing to be with me, but just not RIGHT NOW? And would it be the best idea for me to wait for him? We agreed on having nothing change in our relationship but I don't see how that's possible if were not aiming for anything.

I have NO PROBLEM staying friends with him. But it's been so long and I like him so much, I really want to be in a relationship. I'm totally confused. HELP.

Whoa. This is harsh. He actually should've told you a long time ago he didn't want a relationship. Seriously! He should've blurted that out the very second you two started talking about feelings of any kind. And really, that's just kind of something you discuss when you talk as much as it seems the two of you do. So, this is most definitely a strike against this guy in my book.

Asking him if you should wait won't do you any good. It makes you appear desperate and that never really plays well with guys. So while it's painful, you should try your hardest to move on. Cut back on the conversations. Pull back enough to make him notice but not enough to destroy your friendship.

This will accomplish one of two things: Help you get over him OR make him realize he really DOES want to get with you and he doesn't want to lose you. I am not saying that's what's going to happen, but who knows, right? He might just be taking you for granted right now thinking you'll always be there for him. And you pulling back a little might be all it takes to let him know he's not calling all the shots in your relationship.

Take care of yourself here. He's already stepped on you once and we don't want that to happen again. So this seems like the best approach. Please let me know what happens and don't get discouraged. If this one doesn't work out there are TONS of great guys out there ... and most are just looking for a great girl like you to have a relationship with.

They Think He's Gross, But I Like Him

Dear Dee:
I like this boy. He is really cute. I want to go out with him. But he's one of my best friends and he likes someone else. We hang out all the time and stuff, and I've even asked him who he likes (it was some other girl who's really annoying). But people will also laugh at me because they think he is gross.

OK. So look ... if you like this guy and you really want to date him, you're just going to have to get over the fact some people are gonna laugh, be opposed to it and will more than likely make fun of you. And don't let it bother you. What they think is trivial at best and in reality extremely unimportant. If you're happy, then go for it!

You already have the groundwork here, since you're friends and you said you have a lot in common. So now figure out whether or not you're willing to compromise that friendship by dating. Because more often than not, friendships are never the same if the dating thing doesn't work out. Are you willing to take that chance?

The fact he says he likes another girl is ... an obstacle, but it can be overcome. Be there for him. If he asks this girl out and she says no, be that shoulder he can cry on and the ear he needs to listen. If they do go out, then do your best to be there, too (even though it will be considerably harder).

There may come a time when you just know it's the right time to tell him ... and then you just do it! Don't be afraid to take the chance.

And hey, thank you very much for giving ME a second chance. Each and every reader means a lot to me ... and I really appreciate you stickin' with me here.

Unappreciative of Appreciation

Dear Dee:
I have this best friend, more like sisters because we're so close. But every once in awhile I feel like she doesn't appreciate me. She tells me she does, but I get this weird vibe inside she really doesn't. What should I do?

Unless she's given you a definite reason not to believe her, then just believe her!

Friends don't need to constantly tell each other they appreciate one another. It's kind of a given with friends. So take her at her word unless she gives you reasons not to believe her. Be a great friend and enjoy her company.

Don't borrow trouble! Believe me, there's enough of that to be found in other situations!

BFF's Got a Boyfriend & Is Ignoring Me

Dear Dee:
One of my best friends recently got a boyfriend. I don't know if I'm jealous, but I am kind of mad. I might be mad just because she doesn't really hang out with me and her "old" friends anymore. What can I do to get over this?

Some would say get a boyfriend of your own ... but actually, I don't like to tell people to find another person to fix their issues. So, before you run out and find a guy, let's work on YOU.

It most definitely is hard to go from spending tons of time with your BFF to spending literally ZERO when they find a boyfriend. But this pretty much always happens. (Hey, it even happened to Hannah Montana and Lilly ...yep. I watch Disney Channel.). So, whenever your friend's schedule allows, try to spend time with her. And don't be afraid to tell her she's ignoring you. It's actually OK to let her know you're hurt she's not paying attention to you. If she's really a great friend, which I imagine she is, she'll be cool about it (As long as you don't accuse her and approach her nicely ...).

Also, it might be cool to just ride this out, too. Most relationships start out where the couple spend all their time together then it kinda wears off ... or they break up. I always like to say boyfriends come and go and but awesome BFFs stay around pretty much forever.

High Standards or Just Plain Snobby?

Dear Dee:
I am a 17-year-old guy in high school with a couple questions. I know some girls who like me but I don't have any kind of feelings for them at all. My standards are higher than the girls who like me.

How do I get them to stop flirting or liking me? I was also wondering, how can I approach more of the girls I like who are on a higher level than the ones who like me?

My sister introduced me to one of her friends. I really want to be with her and she would be on my level, but this was all the way back in July. I don't know if she has a boyfriend at all and my sister told me this girl told her she needs a man like me. I have her number and I always think about her. I want to text her but I don't know what she'll think about me and like I said before, I don't know if she found a boyfriend since July until now. So what should I do in this situation?

Please answer back please! I'm so confused and I need help about this stuff and I don't know who else to talk to.

I don't want to go off topic here, but there's something I have to say ... your comment, saying most girls aren't up to your level, and you want them to just leave you alone is well, in as few words as possible stuck up and really rude.

I can understand you saying this about a few subsets of girls i.e., some who are a little trashy or something, but your email reads as if you actually think you're too good for 90 percent of the female population ... this kind of bugs me. I really hope I have misinterpreted you here and you seriously don't look at other people as critically as it seems.

OK. I feel better now. Moving on ...

If these girls are bothering you with their flirting and attention, just let them down gently. If they're forthcoming enough to blurt out they want to date you, decline and say you're not available. If it's just senseless flirting, acknowledge it politely but don't participate. Girls don't like to continue to give attention when they're not really getting any in return. So it will stop.

Now, for this Supergirl you're interested in ...

The fact you have this girl's number, you've met her before and she willingly GAVE you her number means you can call her, text her or whatever. If she has a boyfriend, she'll tell you. It's just that simple. It's not like you're going to text her right off and say 'I want to be your boyfriend.' You're going to start a conversation, get something going and then ask when the time is right. If she tells you beforehand, GREAT!

So just get on the phone already -- and hopefully, when you actually meet her and get to know her, she won't fall off the pedestal you've put her on ... because, she's human after all.