Dear Dee:
My friend and I both like the same boy. What do I do?
Ugh. This one sucks. Either way, one of you is going to get hurt and more than likely, your friendship will never be the same ... So ... what's most important to you? How valuable is your friendship? If this is a friend you've had forever, someone you love like a sister and don't want to lose, then you'd probably better talk to her about this and see if you two can both agree your friendship is way more important than a guy. If you can do that, then both of you should agree to stay away from this one ... there are more guys out there!
Guys come between good friends all the time. And if good friends don't have the common sense to 'boy proof' their relationship before this can happen, then those very important friendships become too damaged to repair.
So, here are my tips to boy proof those close friendships:
-- Don't ever ever date a friend's exes (unless really, you're positive your friend really doesn't care).
-- Don't date a friend's crush.
-- Don't keep your crushes or your dates from your best friend. Be open.
--Agree your friendship is important -- more important and you'll talk through things if a boyfriend starts coming between you.
-- Agree you will not openly and inappropriately flirt with the other friend's boyfriend or girlfriend.
-- If both friends like the same boy, talk it out -- it may be best to let this one go until one of you finds someone else.
-- Don't make getting a boyfriend or getting a date a competition between the two of you. This will only cause resentment.
-- Go into relationships with your eyes wide open. When dating, listen to your friend. She may have insight into this guy's behavior or his lack thereof or his motives that you don't have.
-- Value your friends. Don't ditch them when you get a boyfriend.
I hope this helps. I also hope you and your friend can work this out and continue to keep in mind how valuable true friends are.
Two Friends, Crushing on Same Boy ... Ugh
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6 comments:
This is slightly off topic but I just dated a friend's ex and may I second the advice to not do it? I mean, my friend was okay with it, but it's just ...weird. I felt like I was being compared to my friend the entire time (I wonder if she eats like this. How does she eat? Oh my god, I'm not a cool eater. She so is. He must wish he were back with her. *insert further ridiculous mental commentary and nervousness here*) Although maybe I'm just insecure. Anyways, I really like your site, Dee. I mean, I'm in college and I think your site is generally geared to a younger crowd, but I think you give great advice all the same.
I understand the argument that friend a should respect and have empathy for friend b's disappointment in the boy's lack of interest in her but no one ever says that friend b getting angry at friend a for doing something that both people know will make them happy is irrational and just as insensitive. Jealousy is to be expected but we're not in high school anymore. People can date, screw, and like whomever they want. To say that someone is off limits because someone else has a crush on them is honestly immature. What the other person should do is accept that it's no one's fault (not even their own) that the person they like isn't interested in them. That's just simply how life works sometimes but that doesn't mean that they should restrict their friends' relationship with them.
It's like having a cookie, not being able to eat the cookie, and throwing it in the garbage even though you know a friend might appreciate you giving that cookie to them. I understand in the "boy" case there are deeper feelings involved, but you have to grow up someday and realize that you really have no say in what your friends do and who they like just as much as they don't. What if you're denying two people a potentially awesome relationship? Isn't that just really selfish?
In the case where the boy is interested in one and not the other then the person whom the boy is not interested isn't sacrificing anything by letting an organic relationship develop. They're simply being asked to accept the fact that their friend and their crush like each other and it's not the friend's fault that, that happened. In which case, the friend asking that the other let these two people continue to get to know one another (which is a superfluous request to begin with because no one can tell you how when and why you should develop relationships with people) is not a request for the friend to harm the other but simply for understanding of a situation that just happened entirely outside of that friendship with no selfish or malicious intention. People simply sometimes get along.
Should the friend ask her not to pursue the relationship THAT is in fact the selfish 100% self concerned decision and a refutation of the reality that it's quite possible that any one of your crushes will meet and fall for one of your friends. THIS is the request that is unreasonable, only concerned with how one person feels and actually is pretty ridiculous. Of course it's shitty that you're friend might date someone you like, but it's not that either of those people are TRYING to create a shitty situation for you and there are boundaries that can be understood and put into play should they all find themselves at the same party or in the same room or at the same movie etc. But to right out say "you're not allowed to do this" is more a betrayal of friendship than the opposite. I mean we all know that when a boyfriend or girlfriend tries to control the actions of their significant other we call that an unhealthy relationship, so why not the same in a friendship?
This "bros before hos" shit is just a practice in justifying jealousy and making a person who is simply interested in someone who is interested in them a bad guy for doing what anyone does in that situation. It's a sensitive issue, but when it comes down to it, if the other person wants to be a good friend they'll simply accept the reality of the situation and learn to be happy for their friend. I mean, I'd be happy if I saw my friend happy with someone...why not if it was someone I was interested in? I can't change the fact that two people are interested in each other by saying my friend can't go for that person or shouldn't go for that person. It's just stopped something from coming to fruition and that's simply just not fair and really rather childish.
Hi I Have This Massive Crush On This Guy I met and He's At My Camp And Going To My School next year. This girl i made friends with(not really friends)was always saying how stupid that guy i liked was and was always snapping at him and spreading rumors about him.So I said to her it wasn't nice to say that and so she started embarrassing me and telling everyone i liked this guy... Couple days lateri was just wondering if i could add that guy on facebook and she heard me talking to him and she was mocking me like he doesn't need your name on facebook? What else does he need your number? So I Was Pretty Pissed Off With Her And I Told her to back off! But she told me she would hurt me if i ever talked to that guy again! So I Ignored her and now she keeps on messageing me all this spam about me liking that guyand how stupid it is... Turns out she liked him... But who says somethingso mean to someone you like? It doesn't make you any friends! Please Help Me... Right Now She's Messageing Me More! Lots of Love Vanessa
Dee- my friend and I really like this guy. I am closer to him and I really like him, and she doesn't really know him. Should we still say that friendship comes first and no one should date him? Or because I know him and he might like me, can I go after him?
-Lovely Vanessa
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I have the same thing happened but my friend sits at the same table as him and there like BFFs. She told me that she liked him and I've been crushing for like a million months so I told her. Then she told him right after I told her! So I told him... We are still friends but it's awkward when he's around I told him stuff like " are you okay? " " You were mad just earlier... What happened? " And he opens up to me. It just seems like a war what should I do this girl was only my friend for a week and I don't know her so well... What's p Better someone who's been by your side? Or a person who cared enough to ask?
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