Being Pulled In Two Different Directions

Dear Dee:
I'm stuck between two versions of myself.

The girl who's shy, reads books and hardly talks in class unless it's to answer a question or whisper smoothing to someone and the girl who is outgoing, loud, smart, funny, loves music and singing, writing, drawing, and photography -- a girl who's bi, and unaccepted.

I don't know what to do. I have a girlfriend, but no one in my town knows, because she doesn't live here. So there's no risk of them really finding out unless I come out and tell everyone. I can't even tell my mom, because last time I even suggested I was bisexual, she completely dismissed me. everyone here is so homophobic, I'm afraid I'll be shunned from the general population of my town.

I'm so busy being the girl I was before I moved here, trying to fit in and not be picked out and picked on, I don't know who I am, or where I belong anymore.

any advice on how to tell my mom and what I should do about this? How can I find myself again?

I feel like the biggest mistake you are making right now is thinking you have to have all the answers RIGHT THIS MINUTE. You don't have to. You are a work in progress. A masterpiece that has only begun to develop and is still being refined stroke by stroke, decision by decision. So don't despair about the questions you have and the different actions/personalities you sometimes take on.

BOTH girls you see glimpses of are uniquely you and the thing is, you don't have to choose between being the bookworm and the fun girl ... they can most definitely co-exist! Your job is to figure out how to manage which girl comes out at what time -- as there is a time and place for each. And this discernment comes with maturity and increased responsibility. It's all part of growing up.

Every single decision you make right now is shaping the person you're becoming. And I feel you're so busy concentrating on being unaccepted, you haven't given yourself a chance to warm up to your new surroundings. Don't dub the unfamiliar unfriendly. Acceptance and becoming comfortable with new people and places takes time -- so take the time and leave the heavy decisions you need to make for a time when you're more comfortable and confident.