He Wants Sex, But Won't Say 'I Love You' ...

Dear Dee:
I Just found your website and found it interesting and hoping you can help me.
I've been dating a guy who lives 90 miles away for about 5 months. The first couple months he was calling several times a day and we'd see each other every weekend. Then when he was pressuring me for sex, I was pressuring him to hear 'I love you.'

He said he couldn't say it because in his previous relationship, he'd said it too fast and found out it didn't mean anything because the relationships didn't work out. We've gone around and around about this and I finally broke up with him. But he's suggested we just take a break to see where we're at.

His other excuse is he's in over his head financially and needs to work a lot and figure out what to do with his house. Anyway, about 3 weeks later I sent him an email just to see where he's at and letting him know I missed him. He positively responded saying he missed me a lot, too so we got together. Still no 'I love you.'

I finally went to bed with him last night and still no 'I love you' and I'm feeling bad. When I ask him, all he says is his attention right now is getting his life in order.

OK. So, his excuses ... for not saying I love you are stupid. They are lame to say the least and it's time for you to get out of this relationship if he's not going to get serious about it.

Saying 'I love you' has nothing to do with a person's financial situation, as it doesn't cost a thing. Saying 'I love you' has nothing to do with where you live, as it doesn't charge rent. And lastly (in this clever, witty, yet extremely perceptive rant) his reason for not saying 'I love you' because he said it too fast in previous relationships (therefore diluting its meaning) could also be said of him wanting to jump in the sack. (Having sex before you tell someone you love them takes away how special sex is to a relationship and makes it meaningless ... blah blah). So, needless to say now, none of his excuses wash with me. In fact, they really piss me off!

I am sorry you finally gave in to his pressure, but now that you have, there's not a thing we can do about it except pick up and decide where to go from here. And, I think you should stick to your guns. Just because you've slept with him once doesn't mean you have to do it again. Your reasons for not wanting to have sex in the first place are still very, very valid! You messed up by giving in. You don't have to repeat that mistake.

I don't think the distance between you two is much of an issue -- especially since it seems you are able to see each other when and if you want to. The larger issue here is you being able to get what you need out of this relationship so you can move forward. Is he meeting your needs? Is he able to supply what you need out of a relationship in order to be fulfilled?

From what I am reading, it doesn't seem like he is. This guy seems selfish, self-absorbed and extremely immature. It's great he wants to get his life together, but nothing complicates a situation like sex -- and if you're serious about 'taking care of myself' or 'getting myself in order' before saying 'I love you' then the last thing you should be doing is sleeping around.

I hate to be so mean, but throw this guy back honey. He has some real growing up to do and needs to know how to treat a lady before you decide to give him the time of day (or night) again.