Dear Dee:
I have been in a committed relationship for several months now. He and I moved in together several months back and now he's proposed.
I know I love him with all my heart. But I have this nagging feeling about the fact that, while we've been together, he's lost two jobs and I pay the majority of the bills. I know he is out actively looking for work, but I wonder once he gets a job, how long it will last. I have even caught myself resenting the fact I have to pay most of the bills and I am taking care of him instead of us taking care of each other. Call me old fashioned, but I am worried he might be lazy!
I have dreams and I have ambitions. If I have to support us both, I just don't know if I can actually achieve what I want to in my life -- and I don't know if I can be happy with someone who can't hold down a job and pull his weight.
Am I horrible? I do love him. I know that. But I don't know if this is the start of a pattern. Can you help?
You are not a horrible person for having these thoughts. In fact, you're being extremely responsible to think through this now -- before you are married. And, I am not sure you're going to like what I have to say about this ... but you asked and I'm gonna say it ...
This definitely is a pattern. While the jury is still out on whether your guy is destined to always be lazy, the verdict is most definitely in on the fact he's perfectly comfortable letting you pay the bills, foot the responsibility of the household AND bear the burden of making sure you have food, water and all the other essentials.
My advice to you would be not to marry this guy until you are sure he is dedicated to keeping a job and contributing to the success of your marriage financially. As you probably know, most divorces are caused by finances -- and a lazy-ass boyfriend before marriage will most definitely become a lazy-ass husband. Maybe the answer is to tell him he must keep a job for several months before you get married. Or, that he must work, pull his weight, and put aside savings to support a few month's worth of expenses should he lose his job after marriage.
Look, I don't doubt you love him. I don't even doubt that all this aside, he makes you happy. But this isn't a silly habit you can overlook. This is your livelihood and well being. Caring about how you are going to pay rent/utilities and eat does not make you a selfish or shallow person. It makes you a realist. Wonder if a kid comes into the picture later on? It will only get worse.
Your guy needs to prove to you he can be a provider, a partner and a helpmate. That's the simple truth. He also needs to show you he can support your pursuits and passions -- just as you've supported his lack of work for the last several months. He needs to show you he can take care of you and whomever else comes along. It's not old fashioned. It's not shallow. It's how marriage works.
Think long and hard about your next move. You shouldn't go into marriage with a strike against you -- and if you married him now, that's what you'd be doing. Your goals, your ambitions, etc -- they're all important -- and you two, as a couple -- as partners have to agree to what you're working towards. If only one is working, then um ... you're not going to get very far and your burdens will only get heavier and heavier -- especially if all he does is sit on his fat ass on the couch every single day eating potato chips.
OK. So that last line was uncalled for -- but I couldn't help it. Good luck to you and please let me know what you decide. I'm here if you need me!
I Love Him, But He's .... Lazy
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9 comments:
Does the same apply if the roles are reversed. Like what if the girl is the lazy one?
Hi Dee! I must say, you give out really good advice. Her story is just the same with the ones I saw on MTV's Does She Really Goes Out With Him?. I agree with every word that you said. You better think about it, girl. It isn't fair that he's gonna get all your payday cash and sit around all day. Don't wait for the worse that you gotta have to apply for loans just to pay the bills or emergencies coz you all your savings had been spent on that guy. Just give a little more time -- who knows, he might find a good job soon. Good luck!
@Anonymous: Yep, I guess it applies to girls, too.
If he is lazy, you have to take a stand. People do not become un-lazy.
Im so sad, my bf is so lazy and we are together 7 years.... I know I have to break up with him but he won't let me go. We uses stupid excuses and fake promises and I bite :S It's time to move on...
My boyfriend is lazy and also has been mostly out of work for the two years I've known him. I thought it was a phase; I was out of work due to a layoff part of the time too. However I had money to use while looking and he doesnt. I've been paying the rent and most of the bills for four months. We live together. He hardly does anything around the house. Then is hurt because I do t want to have sex anymore. All he does do is take care of the dog, but that's good for me be ause otherwise shed be at my sister's weekdays.
Mine is the same way. Has been like this off and on. There are times he has money and times he is without, but he doesn't want anything that requires working for someone else. So, right now he is virtually homeless and he is hungry. But he still is okay with this. He said all he has to do is wait and some plans of his will fall together. It is certainly possible and likely. But he dumped me today because I said I deserve more than he has given me and for 3 years I have supported and been with him even though he has had nothing. I feel like I am making a mistake by letting him go. I love him. But I don't know whether I should gamble my future.
I can relate. My boyfriend seems to think that since he is in school and his checks are direct deposited into our account that he's done his share. But he works 20 hours a week. I work 2 jobs at 70 hours a week. He goes to school 6 hours a week. I start school, 4 hours per week, next week. I do the laundry. I cook. I wash dishes. He plays on facebook. I feel like its wrong of me to compare- but we do have a child and i feel like i neglect him to make money. Like i could see my son more if i left, or am i financially dependent on the 25% of my income that he makes. Im seriously contemplating separation right now, so im happy to see im not the only woman whose struggling WHILE she succeeds
Keep your heads up ladies
dear Mags, It sounds to me like your going to burn out while hes clearly not meeting the level of contribution that you are.. yes people do have diferent motivational levels, but sometimes they are to large that they affect your relationship. this is not only affecting your relationship toghether, but also yours with your child. I dont mean to stand on one side of the fence, but I have raised my son with a partner and another income and Ive done it on my own... by far its so much easier and cheaper on my own.. yes lonely at times but easier in so many aspects
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