Suicide Smashes Idyllic Freshman Year

Dear Dee:
This year was my freshman year in high school. It was a year my friends and I thought would be forever changing and we'd all be together to experience it. For us, it was like a right of passage; We were almost considered adults to our teachers and they wouldn't treat us like kids. But that all went down the tubes for us.

One of my best friends since Kindergarten killed himself. I was devastated, and still am. I live in New Hampshire and his death was the exact day the big ice storm took place. I never got to say goodbye to him.

It seems my other friends are having an easier time getting over it. I feel almost vulnerable to them and don't have anyone I can talk to about it. My parents tell me the same thing over and over again and I've tried.

Do you have any suggestions about what I could do to try and put it behind me faster? I live a life where school and family come first; my father is disabled, so I do most of the work around the house, and the stress of school catches up to me, then as I walk through the building and take me seat, I nearly cry every time I see that one empty seat that once belonged to him.

I feel hindered by this, but is this normal? Mostly I feel like an idiot because I should have seen the signs something was troubling him.

There is nothing you're feeling right now that isn't completely normal after what you've been through. Losing a friend is devastating no matter what age you are and when you put suicide into the equation, it worsens the scenario. But first and foremost, know there is nothing you could've done to prevent this. Your friend made choices. And while you knew him very well, we can't know everything about those close to us -- we only know what they are willing to let us know. So release yourself of feeling responsible.

Now, you say specifically you are troubled you didn't get to say goodbye to him. And I think this makes perfect sense to me. Have you thought of going to a special place you shared with him and literally 'talk' to him? Sit down, and let it all out. Or better yet, write it down. Let him know how his suicide has made you feel. How, even though you might not admit it, you're actually angry with him for his actions. Tell him how much his friendship meant to you and what kind of special place he holds in your heart. Let him know he'll always be with you because you've had numerous priceless memories together. And lastly, tell him goodbye. Then, give this note a kiss, fold it up and put it somewhere special. Or, tear it up and let it blow away in the wind. (I think littering is OK in this instance.)

Now, I have given you suggestions here, based on my own experience with the same situation. And I took my letter and placed it in my Bible. Ever now and then, I find it and read it. I feel a twinge and might shed a tear or two, but mostly I feel thankful for being able to have had that person in my life.

Sweetie, I am again so sorry for your pain. Sounds like you shoulder quite a bit of responsibility for your family and deal with way more than most people your age. So it is important you find a way to deal with your pain. While I think my suggestions are good ones, I am not a professional therapist and would recommend you reaching out to someone you trust. You can also contact help on one of the hotlines listed here. There are specialists who know how to talk you through some of your feelings -- and they might have other suggestions that would help you.

Please let me know how you're doing. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.