Mom, Sister & Daughter: Battle for Birth Control

Dear Dee:
I love your column and so glad to see you back online! YEA! I have a 17-year-old niece who has confided in me she and her boyfriend are having sex. She tried talking to her parents but her mother (my sister) became outraged and said she would not pay for her to have birth control [pills] nor would she take her to see their doctor.

My sister and I do not agree on this issue. At my (near) insistence, my niece went to see a public health clinic for birth control pills so she will always be responsible for her body and birth control.

Overall it was a positive experience for her. The clinic was understanding and did not pass judgment. They gave her three packs of pills to try out and with good results she is to return for a year’s supply. (I did not take her to this appointment) Although my niece and I spoke in anonymity, I believe my sister is suspect of my advice to her daughter and is angry, maybe at both of us. I feel strongly my niece should indeed seek birth control. Clearly they are going to have sex and I believe she needs to be responsible.

Have I done wrong by advising my niece? I don’t want to betray my sister but I doubt we could talk about it. Should I just let everything ride as is for now; do not make contact, etc.? My sister has not talked to me in five months and I do not want to involve other family members, especially my mother. How do I handle family events were we both may be present? Whew – thanks for listening Dee, feels better just typing it out!

Your sister definitely has the authority and the right to tell her daughter she does not want to pay for pills -- but it would be interesting to know whether she simply refused to pay for pills, or she refused, and then said 'Now honey, let me tell you why I won't condone this behavior or pay for the pills." See, one approach, the refusing and not budging approach, is controlling and stubborn and does not do anything to make your niece respect and want to 'mind' her mother.

But, if your sister refused -- then backed up her refusal with why she wouldn't and had a dialog with your niece in a learning and constructive way -- she could have gotten your niece to see things in a different light. This is what motherhood is. And this enforces respect in the mother/daughter relationship.

No doubt your niece is a smart girl. And no doubt, she knew she could find a clinic. She came to you for validation and wanted someone to tell her what she was doing (having sex) was OK. And I guarantee you, she knew you'd see things differently than her mother.

Even though you and your sister do not see eye to eye, it really was and is your responsibility to back her up when it comes to values, edicts and rulings -- even if you don't agree. The fact you told your niece to go to the clinic isn't a bad thing in itself. But if you advised her in any way to go behind her mother's back, vs. being straight up with her, then that is wrong. Maybe the two of you could've talked to your sister together, who knows. Or, maybe instead of empowering your niece to have sex, you could've talked to her about the other components a sexual relationship entails.

See, this goes so much farther beyond 'just taking care of her body' than anyone at 17 can comprehend. Did you talk to her about that? All of us get the physical, but there is emotional components, etc. Not to mention, that if she'd simply wait until she was 18, she could get her pills without defying her mother, as she'd be a legal adult.

Of course, mine is just one opinion -- and it stems more conservative on this issue because of my past experiences. And as most teens can attest, nothing good ever comes out of sneaking behind the parents' back. While I know it probably won't be pleasant, you need to tell your sister. The fact you're even thinking you might've crossed a line, is a good indicator you did.