Bring on Complexity: Distance, Pregnancy ...

Dear Dee:
About two months ago, I met a boy who has completely changed my life.

Deep inside of me, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We found each other at the most convenient of times in the most inconvenient of places. However, one of our problems is he lives in Australia, and I am stuck here in the United States. I know we can make it work if we try, but I've been asking myself if this is what I really want.

You see, a few months before he met me, this he started sleeping with his friend. They were both going through some really tough times and needed a way to cope besides cutting. It stopped once he met me. The problem is, now she's pregnant with his child. This has completely broken my heart. He's having a baby and it isn't mine.

That isn't the kind of thing I had anticipated happening to me. I've saved myself, and he (obviously) hasn't. The pregnancy adds insult to injury. I love him. I really, truly do. And I don't want to leave. But I'm concerned if I don't, I lose everything I've worked for. And that's always been a huge part of me.

I want to help him, but he lives thousands of miles away. Can I survive this? Is it worth it?

Only you can decide if it's worth it. I will say though, it's a lot to swallow. Long distance relationships fail all the time -- but they also work all the time. You have a few added levels of complexity here but nothing you can't handle -- if you're up to it. But lets tackle a few things, OK?

First: At one time or another, almost all of us fall for someone we are so in love with, we don't think we can live without them. And, we translate that into wanting to spend the rest of our lives with them. BUT, sometimes, that person isn't good for us. For one reason or another, being with that person hurts or is just too difficult, or there's extenuating circumstances that make a relationship at this particular time too difficult.

Realizing this, doesn't diminish the fact you care for the person, it just shows you know yourself and you know what you can handle. It also shows a maturity in knowing that while you have strong feelings for this person, the timing is way way off. This may be the case for you and the Aussie guy.

Secondly: I find it very disturbing you say directly that he decided to sleep with his best friend in lieu of cutting. Um ... trading in one addiction (cutting) for another possible addiction (sex) is not something to take lightly. It's no excuse and doesn't make it OK that he crossed the friendship boundary. Don't cloak the fact there's an underlying problem. If he's a cutter, this needs to be dealt with and it's not something you're equipped to handle. It's a serious, dangerous addiction. Your role in this is to help him get help.

Lastly, and most seriously: There's now a child involved. Honey, this is heavy, heavy real life. I don't know how old you both are, but the complexity was just kicked up so high, it hits the roof. He has a responsibility, no doubt. And only you can decide if you want to shoulder that, too. You can definitely encourage him to get his crud together and do what he needs to do, but are you ready for the complications this situation will bring into play? Only you can decide.

I am so sorry you're in agony over this. I have no doubt you are. But part of being mature about relationships is figuring out what the needs at hand are and if you're at a place in your life where you can handle them, when looking ahead. Are you there yet? Could you ever be?

Please please let me know what is happening. I most definitely will keep you in thoughts and prayers.