Friends' Concern Gets Annoying

Dear Dee:
I lost my mom a couple years ago, but I am OK with it.

When people realize she is deceased, they are all like "I'm sorry for you" or " are you okay?". I think it is sweet of them to be concerned but how do I let them know that I don't want to talk about it?

I even had a girl come up to me and ask if I would get mad if people talked about their moms. It really gets annoying after awhile. I'm usually not mean but they get under my skin so often.

The fact it actually gets under your skin when people ask you about your mom tells me you're actually NOT OK with it. And you know what? That's OK, too.

You don't have to talk about it right now -- maybe one day, you'll want to. And when that day comes, you don't want to have alienated people now who could be there when you need them. So, as politely as you can, just tell them 'Yeah, I lost my mom a few years back, but it's not something I like to talk about.'

Most people will back off at that point. And don't take offense at your friends asking you if it's OK to talk about their mothers -- seriously, they're being sensitive to you and really trying to make sure you're not offended or hurt in their company.

So while it may seem annoying to have people treat you so delicately sometimes, remember they are doing it out of concern for you. And with that concern, if you express it correctly, will come an understanding of what you want to discuss/don't want to discuss and an understanding of what you are comfortable with.

Try not to get annoyed. I think once you try to look past the 'inconvenience' of having to answer the same questions over and over again, and understand the caring and concern that goes into asking maybe you'll be able to put up with it a little longer.

I have to say it, if ever you do decide you want to talk about your mom, please seek out an adult you trust or try one of the hotlines listed here. When you're ready, you'll really need a great listener -- you'll be surprised how much you have to say and how great it will feel to finally say it.

Best to you.