When Good Friends Are Bad For You

Dear Dee:
I have this pretty good friend whom I met this year, but we have had A LOT of problems.

We get into fights constantly and about pathetic things. Like once she freaked out on me because I asked her a homework question. It gets really bad when we fight, even if it's about homework.

We cuss and we threaten to ruin each other's reputation. I have even called her the worst friend in the world.

When we get along, it's like we have known each other for years and we are best friends, and I love it when we are like that. But then when we are fighting, I get really mad at her and she hurts my feelings and I hurt hers. Are we real friends? Should I keep her as a friend? What can we do to help our relationship?

Friends don't hurt each other. At least not in constructive friendships. Sometimes we have to separate ourselves from people we really, really care about because in the long haul, they're not good for us.

Doesn't mean you're a bad person or she's a bad person. Just means that together, your fights and bad times outweigh the good ones -- and you should call it quits.

This is what you've got to come to grips with. Is this friendship worth the pain it causes you? Is it worth the harsh words and the fights?

If you decide it is, you and your friend need to set some ground rules. You have to talk about what a true friend is, and what friends do and don't do. Set some boundaries and even make a pact that if one of you starts a fight or you feel one coming on, you walk away.

Make a commitment NOT to hurt each other and to try really hard to hold back hateful words or actions. This will take some hardcore dedication for both of you. BUT, if your friendship is worth saving, you need to do it.

We all have destructive relationships in our lives. The key is to identify them and correct them. That could be by adjusting the relationship OR by getting rid of it. The choice is yours now that you've recognized the problem and the pain the friendship causes you. So do something about it now before it gets out of hand.