Wanting to be More Than Friends

Dear Dee:
I've recently come out of the closet to a friend of mine who told me she was gay. One of the reasons I came out to her was because I wanted her to know there was potential for something more to happen between us.

The thing is, I like her a lot, as more than a friend of course, but I cannot tell whatsoever whether or not she has feelings for me. We live on opposite ends of the country, but we talk a lot through email or on the phone. She is my "confidant" when it comes to talking about issues I'm having with being gay, but I've never been able to tell her about my feelings toward her.

My question is: Should I tell her? And if so how? It's nice having her to talk to, but the truth is, it's too painful to JUST be friends with her ... I need more, or at least I need to know whether she is interested at all. Please help me. I've been dwelling on this for too long!

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't tell her you are interested in pursuing a relationship -- especially if your desire to advance the relationship is becoming a stumbling block in your friendship.

You both trust each other, you both confide in each other and you are comfortable with each other; these are things that perfect friendships -- and romantic relationships -- are made of.

Now, putting yourself out there will change the dynamic of your relationship one way or another. The words spoken/written can't be taken back. So make sure you're ready for what might come next -- whether it be a relationship or a little pulling back from your friend.

You already have such a great friendship foundation that I can't imagine your revelation killing your friendship, but it might make it a little awkward for awhile if she doesn't share your feelings. Just make sure you have your eyes wide open to what could happen in an accepting scenario and a rejection scenario. How will your friendship proceed in each?

Lastly, don't dwell on this. Let this flow naturally. When you stop and take things in stride it makes it easier to identify when the time is right to move to the next level by revealing feelings. If you're uptight and constantly bent about it, you could easily miss the perfect opportunity and you could miss signs your friend is giving you, as well.

Just be careful, deliberate and observant. And take your time. There's no need to rush. After all, good things come to those who wait.