When a Boyfriend Tempts You

Dear Dee:
I had a boyfriend for two years. I told him I didn’t want to have sex. I also told him I hadn’t ever done drugs. Then one day, he offered them. I was curious.

I tried pot, and when he asked again about sex, I told him yes. And I can’t believe it now. These actions weren’t like me and now I have to live with it. It’s been really hard to look in the mirror without thinking I am a gross person.

We ended up breaking up, because drugs changed him. I have forgiven him, because I don’t believe in holding grudges, but I can’t forgive myself. Now my current boyfriend and I have been together for four months. I feel really good about him.

He is great to me and makes me feel worth it -- like I deserve someone who respects me. But, I am scared still. I think he deserves someone who hasn’t done those kinds of things. The other day, someone told him what I had done.

He says he understands and has heard of a lot of girls in the same situation. But he also says he’s disappointed. I hate that. Any advice?

Hey, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, makes mistakes. This includes you, me, your new boyfriend and the stupid person who decided to enlighten your boyfriend about your past. It’s just how things are.

Through these mistakes we learn about ourselves and about what we want/don’t want. Our mistakes make us better people. So instead of constantly beating yourself up about your mistakes, come to grips with them. Admit you messed up and move on. Don’t let them hold you back. You had sex, you did drugs -- once. Now, you’re past that.

You’re not pregnant, you’re not a stoner and you’ve seen the adverse affects drugs have on someone you care about. You’ve learned. You’ve grown. Now, file it away, draw from the experience when necessary but don’t continue to punish yourself for it. I really hate that someone took it upon themselves to share your past with this guy, but I also don’t like him telling you he’s disappointed in you! Has he NEVER done anything he’s ashamed of?

Part of being mature enough to date is knowing the people you’re going to encounter will more than likely have a past. So is this guy so perfect that he can stand up, look down at you and shake his finger in your face? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

He needs to get over it, too. It’s great he treats you well. It’s even better he treats you with respect. But none of this should change because he’s learned this about your past. And if it does, it just shows he’s not mature enough to handle a real relationship that involves real people with real problems. And in the real world, those are the only kind of relationships that work.