Two best friends, a boyfriend and whole lot of drama

Dear Dee:
I've been dating this guy for about 8 months now, and I really love him. We've been through a lot together, before and after we started going out. There was a point in time, though, that he started getting into other things.

He was drinking more, smoking, and meeting all these girls through his band. When I said something to him about it, he got really pissed off. He broke up with me, and I was heartbroken. He started leading me on, saying he loved me and what not. But, then, went out with some other chick and said he didn't feel the same way about me. I know he sounds like a prick, but he still meant a whole lot to me and I didn't want to lose him.

So, we started hanging out as friends and I met some new people through him. My life was really starting to look up, and I developed a little crush on a friend of his. My ex broke up with his new girl and told me he still loved me. I thought about it for a week or so, and chose my ex.

I made it very clear that if he didn't clean it up, we would be over in a second. He promised, and four months later has kept to his word. He joined a new band, one that influenced him in a good way. He quit smoking, and he doesn't drink as much. He cares for me, and is overall a good boyfriend.

I'm still best friends with the one guy I had a crush on before. I have a lot of fun with him, but I don't have the same feelings as I did before. He doesn't either, and I hooked him up with this other chick. His and my boyfriend's friendship deteriorated, though. They're incredibly competitive with each other about their music. They got in this huge fight about who was leader of the first band, and whether each other's timing was off, etc. It was really stupid. So, I introduced my other best friend to crush guy. We all hung out, and they're friendship got pretty tight. Now, I kind of feel as I'm being kicked out of the three.

I'm always the bud of jokes and they don't seem to ever take me seriously. I feel like I'm losing them, and it's killing me.
Well, the reason I told you about my boyfriend's and my rocky past is that my two best friends always use this against me. They're telling me all the time that he's not who I think he is, and that he says crap about me all the time.

They say that he complains about me a lot, and flirts with other girls. Knowing what's happened before, I'm not totally closed to this. But, at the same time, I know where my friendship with them is going, so I don't really know what to think. Whenever I say I'm going to confront him about it, they try to stop me because they know he'll know it was them who said anything to me in the first place.

So, finally I got fed up with hearing all this, and called him up and asked him about it. I was firm, and made my point clear. Of course, he denied everything that was said and got extremely pissed off at them.

So, my two best friends are a little mad at me for getting them "involved", and my boyfriend's pissed at them for "making up crap". I don't like the fact that I got them in trouble with him, but it was getting to the point that it was necessary to say something. I feel in my heart that my boyfriend's sincere, but at the same time I can't imagine my friends lying to me.
What do I do?

It's always this constant thing between the two parties. I don't want to lose either of them. But, it's getting kind of ridiculous.

Um, do you live smack dab in the middle of drama central? Geez. I feel sorry for you -- this is ridiculous and tedious. It seems like a big waste of time, energy and emotional turmoil.

My gut reaction -- and I am going to be way honest here -- is really that this guy you're dating is a big loser. The fact you even entertain what your friends are saying tells me you don't trust him or have faith in your relationship.

The history you've explained shows me he doesn't really 'want' you, but is willing to play the part so no one else can have you either. He wants you as an arm ornament and when you're not around, you're a punchline. You're better than this. You deserve better.

I can only imagine the pain this causes you to hear, but i have a feeling you know it's true -- whether you're on good terms with these friends or not -- you know there's truth in what they're telling you.

It's time for you to step back, maybe cut yourself off from this group for awhile, and really gain perspective and order in your life. This type of drama can control every single aspect of your life until it consumes you to a point of non function. Get away from it. Clear your head. Get yourself back t0 basics and figure out what you should be doing in order to be successful, sane and virtually stress free.

It'll be hard, but it's the thing to do. You need a break! Your sanity depends on it.

Also consider whether or not these are the real people you should be hanging with. The drugs, the alcohol, etc -- it's not a good road and can only lead to more trouble.

Hope this helps ... and don't hate me for being brutally honest.

From Pen Pal to Addiction ... But There's More ...

I went on a chat room site out of boredom once, and met a cheeky and funny girl. I had no idea what she looked like and never asked how old she was. We had a laugh, and she gave me her MSN add.

I never added a stranger before, but I thought "why not?!". I then saw her picture, and found her to be very pretty. So I guess I had the extra motivation to continue talking to her. Eventually I found out she was 16, but I'm 20. It didn't really matter, I just thought of her as a pen pal anyway.

About 2 months after meeting her online, we realized we had spoken to each other every day! We got on really well and I was starting to get addicted to her. I was going away for the weekend and didn't want to end our run of 2 months without speaking each day. So we exchanged numbers.

I've even done loads of video calls with her (which she suggested, some lasting up to 7 hours) and still, I can't get enough of her! I actually only live 30 minutes drive from where she lives, which probably made it more exciting when we first met. But I am currently working abroad for 1 year. Which doesn't allow me to meet her freely or get into a relationship. I've told her I have a crush on her, and she told me that she feels the same way about me too.

I want to see her during my Christmas break to see if we are comfortable in person, but I have so many questions running around my mind. To sum a few of them up: - Is it right for me to feel this way about a 16-year-old girl? If someone asked me, "would you date a 16 year old?", I would have said no. But now that this is happening to me, I am starting to feel differently.

Is it possible to feel this way about someone you met on the internet? Even if I have seen her in video calls, but not met her in person. - Is it good that I am out of the country for 1 year? When I move back, she will be 17, whether that would make it better? Does it prove that I can't possibly want to rush her into anything? I know 4 years shouldn't be a big deal. But 16-20 does feel morally bigger. Hence why I am asking for an opinion.

Hey thanks for the question. I am impressed you're debating this within and it shows you have character and want to do the right thing.

The difference between 16-20 IS morally bigger than an adult age difference. It just is. Your life experiences are different, your needs are different and your worldviews are different. Remember, this girl still has to get permission from mom and dad to stay out past 10 on a school night -- that's not something you have to do now, is it?

I have no doubt your feelings are real. People fall in love over the internet all the time! It is a perfectly acceptable way to meet someone -- as long as you're careful and smart.

If you really want to stay in touch with this girl, I don't really see a problem with it as long as you absolutely INSIST she tell her parents. My gut tells me she hasn't done that. And nothing would look worse to a parent than finding out, on their own, that their teen daughter had been talking online with a sneaky 20-year-old. Sounds icky, right? Well it is. So, be the stand-up mature guy you are and tell her you're not going to talk to her anymore until she tells her parents.

Secondly, if you do want to spend some time with her over the holidays, make sure her parents are cool with it, that you respect her curfew, their wishes and most of all, the fact this girl is still a minor. And don't delude yourself into thinking this girl is beyond her years -- she may be more mature -- she may be your soul mate -- and she may just be the best thing that's ever happened to you -- but nothing good can come of it if you don't respect where she is in her life and the fact she lives under different rules than you right now.

Your going away is actually a good thing. It'll keep you two out of trouble, it'll help you see if there's any real potential there and lastly, it'll give her another year to grow up.

Tread lightly here, my friend and use your common sense. Don't rush anything. Keep everything on the up and up and be respectful of her parents and her age. Hopefully, that'll help you keep things in perspective and allow you to figure out what your next steps are.

Good luck!

When Girls Get Bitchy, Watch Out ...

Dear Dee:
I have been friends with this one girl for about 4 years. One of my other friends and I have been friends with for almost 14 years now.

For the last few days, they have both been giving another one of our friends and I the cold shoulder.

The most annoying thing is, I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!! We can't think of one single thing we have done wrong to make them suddenly hate us. And it's not just not chatting on MSN; it's full blown ignoring in the hall, sitting with a different group, refusing to talk to us.

We tried to talk to them at school but they just walked straight past us. We seriously have no clue whats going on and they refuse to answer our emails and texts. I don't know what I've done but I know I can't fix it till I know what I did. I also know there is no way I'm gonna know until they tell me... which they won't.

When girls get bitchy, petty or just temperamental, people get hurt.

Sounds like your two friends, who are ignoring you and your other friend seriously have their own issues.

If you can't think of a reason you've offended the snootie, snotty, snobby sisters (enough 's'es for ya?), then don't worry about it. I know it's difficult, especially since you've all been friends for so long, but sometimes girls just get petty, silly and downright mean. When that happens and you're the receiver of these feelings, you have to ride it out and wait for the girls to grow up and get over it. If you don't know what you did wrong, then it is NOT your job to fix it.

Friends, even ones who've been together for as long as you have, can grow apart -- get different interests and 'stop' being friends. It sucks, but it's part of growing up and maturing. You and your remaining friend could simply be discovering, that in reality, these other girls weren't your true friends -- and your interests have taken you in different directions. You could also be getting a taste of what their true colors are. It happens.

It hurts, but it's bearable. Enjoy the friendship with your remaining friend, make some new ones and don't let the other two girls know they've gotten under your skin. If they really have no reason to act like this to you two, then don't give them the satisfaction of a response -- especially since you've already made the effort to find out what the issue is, and they've refused to man up and tell you.

Sounds to me like you've found out who your true friend is ... and she's a keeper.

Saying Goodbye Is Not Really Saying Goodbye

Dear Dee:
How do you handle saying goodbye to someone you really like?

Whether it's someone moving away or other circumstances causing distance in a relationship, saying goodbye is never, ever easy.

But in today's world, goodbye is such a loose term. Unless the person is actually travelling back in time to the stone ages, there's constant ways to stay in communication with the person you're crushing on -- whether they're in Boston, LA or Timbuktu. Seriously, goodbyes aren't permanent anymore and they don't mean 'I'll never ever see or talk to you again.' They just mean 'we may not be in the same proximity to actually touch, but we can still keep in touch like crazy and even get on Skype or OOVO and video chat! By the way, I'll text you in about an hour.'

Sorry. I am not making fun of the fact you're not going to get to see someone you really care about in the flesh that often. I am just trying to soften the blow by saying it's not as bad as it seems. And if you're really want to keep in touch with this person and he/she you, then there's no reason you can't.

Now, on the solemn side, if this is someone you don't feel you can talk to anymore and you're saying goodbye as a symbolic 'end' to a relationship, just give it time. Feelings don't leave overnight and it'll take some time to heal and get over the breakup or parting of ways. But it is doable. Try to keep yourself busy and surrounded by people you love. While solitude is probably your preference, it's not the best way for you to move on -- save the moping for before bed time and while doing your homework (I'd say save it for during class, but I don't need teachers sending me hate mail ...).

Hopefully, this is a goodbye that's situational -- moving, changing schools, etc. And you can keep in touch but if not, take things one step at a time. Let yourself feel it, mourn it, and heal.

Kentucky Teen Pregnant, Searching

Dear Dee:
Hello. I live in a small town in Kentucky. I'm also 15 years old and 23 weeks pregnant. I am writing you this because I need some advice. I don't know what to do. I'm still living at home with my parents, not old enough to have a job. I know I don't want to abort my baby boy, so if you can write me back I really need your advice. Please please write me back as soon as possible.

You definitely have a lot of hard decisions to make, honey. And you've already made it through some of them -- you decided against abortion and you've stayed with your parents so they can help you.

You didn't mention involvement of the dad here, so I am going to assume there really isn't any, so that makes it that much harder for you. But it isn't the time to focus on the fact you have hard decisions to make -- it's time to face the problems and make decisions because you're running out of time. That baby will be here before you know it and you need to be prepared and committed.

You are so young to be dealing with this, but unfortunately, now you have to make adult decisions -- regardless of your age. So let's talk about options.

Of course, adoption is out there. There are tons of very very capable families who would love to open their homes and hearts to your sweet baby boy. Some even are open adoptions, allowing the mother to chose the family and even be apart of that family in some way if she wishes. I don't know your family situation -- how you get on with your parents, etc. so it's hard to know what's best for you -- but honey, you know your heart.

Keeping this baby is always an option. But with that comes more responsibility than you can possibly imagine. It doesn't mean you suddenly drop out of school and become a mom. It means you're a mom who needs to stay in school, so she can get an education to provide for her baby. It means you have to let others in your family, those in your church and your friends help you make the best life possible for another person who is totally dependant on you. It is not something you can do half way -- because if you chose to keep this child, you're commitment has to be ironclad. Your child deserves nothing less.

It can be done. It really can be. I am testament to that (read my teen pregnancy story), as is my now 19-year-old who is in college. But it was hard and I had help -- a supportive family, a strong drive to always want to succeed and provide for him -- and a love for him that still is more than I can explain.

Being a young momma is rewarding -- but only if you are willing and able to make the sacrifices and choices that are right for your child. If you can't honestly say you will do whatever possible to make sure this child has the best life possible, then you aren't equipped to handle this. Be realistic and be true to what you know to be right and best for this baby.

Let your parents help you. Talk to a pastor, youth leader or someone you can trust about your options and your struggles. Feel free to utilize one of the pregnancy hotlines I have listed as well. If you truly are seeking to do what is best for this baby -- not only yourself -- then you'll make the right choice.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!