Dear Dee:
Turns out my mother really is cheating on my dad. I confronted her about it but she didn't deny it and she wouldn't admit it fully. Should I tell my father about what she's doing? So far only my two closest friends know.
I guess I'm OK, my parents don't talk to each other though. My dad tries to make it up to her.
I don't think it's your place to tell your dad, but I also don't think your dad should be clueless about it either.
Your mom's gotta come clean to your dad. And she's got to get herself straightened out with you, too. You're gonna have to talk to her again. Let her know you can't stand by and watch what she's doing and how it is affecting your dad and your family vibe. You and your dad deserve better than what she's giving you and you both deserve the truth.
Whether or not they work it out is something I can't say. But let your mom know if she can get it together and tell the truth, the two of you will have a chance at rebuilding YOUR relationship. Because right now, she has to earn your trust and your respect again.
I am so sorry you're having to go through this.
Mom's Cheating, Dad's Ignoring It
Morning After Regrets Cause Tears
Dear Dee:
I love the site! You always give good advice.
But my problem is, I had protected sex, and I feel guilty I'm not married to my lover yet. I don't want to get married until I'm in my 20's, but I just couldn't wait.
But I loved my boyfriend so much, I didn't want to risk waiting too long and have us break up before we did anything. But I am to the point where I am nearly crying because I didn't wait for marriage.
Here's a hug for confidence.OK. Let's get something straight. You could've waited. You just didn't. Be honest with yourself. If this guy was the one, he would've waited, too. And really, it kind of sounds like you don't think he's the guy for you. You said it yourself you didn't want to risk waiting too long and have you two break up without doing anything. And frankly, that's what you're supposed to do! You're supposed to WAIT for the right one!
But anyway, admit these things to yourself and then forgive yourself. It's not the end of the world. Take the way you feel right now and remind yourself of it when you're thinking of throwing virtue to the wind. You are worth waiting for. You really, really are. But the first person you have to convince is YOURSELF. Also, remember WHY you want to wait ... and the answer to this is ... Because it's the right thing to do!
Seriously. There is nothing you can do about what you've done. But you can recommit to abstinence and this time make it a commitment you're not going to break. Talk to your boyfriend about this and let him know how important it is to you to keep this commitment. If he cares about you then he'll understand your decision to wait and he'll totally respect it.
So now dry those tears. You've got some thinking to do.
Warding Off Nightmares a Psalm Away
Dear Dee:
Someone I know has really bad nightmares. It's to the point where they will wake up at night, crying or so shaken about the nightmare they can't go back to bed.
It's not just once in a while, it's every night and these nightmares are horrible. They are not your normal nightmare, my friend has told me about some of them, and horrible things happen in them.
Is there anything that can be done to make this stop? Or help it go away? Thanks!I am not a trained therapist or a psychiatrist who can 'read' into emotional reasons behind nightmares. But from my own experience, I can share what I did during a time in my life when nightmares seriously plagued my sleep.
I had some pretty weird stuff going on in my life and it was troubling me and I was really hurting emotionally. I had nightmares every single night about bad things happening to my family and to others I cared a lot about. They were violent and scary.
Now, maybe I should've sought professional help. But I was young and didn't. (Maybe your friend should ...) So I did something that literally just came to me in the middle of the night after a nightmare. And eventually, they went away. I quoted to myself, Psalms 23.
"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever."
I promise you I had the most restful sleep after doing this. I'd repeat it to myself until I fell asleep and most of the time I didn't even make it to the end.
Now again, your friend may need some professional help. I don't know her whole situation. But I do know there is comfort in this scripture and there is protection. And that protection even includes the fear that comes from dreams and nightmares.
I wish you and your friend the best and most of all, sweet dreams.
Cocky Guy's Signals Hard to Decipher
Dear Dee:
There's a really hot guy I like, but I don't know how he feels about me because I'm having difficulty deciphering his actions as flirting or not.
I know he's overly confident, to the point of being cocky at times,(which I think is a front to an extent because he isn't very tall) but I don't know if that would make him act more bold, or uninterested.
Could you help me with your input? Yeah. Guy speak can be difficult to get a handle on, but if you're really stumped by it, then it's a good idea to just let it go for awhile.
Anyway, you admit above you think he's overly confident and cocky ... and my experience is this type of guy doesn't make a great boyfriend because he always wants to be the center of attention vs. giving his girl the attention she needs. Relationships are two-way streets and you don't need to be bending over backwards to service his ego.
So think about it, OK? Then, take a break from overly analyzing him. Try to look at what he does and the way he acts with your eyes wide open and get a sense of his personality and how he treats people.
Then, if you're still interested, start to find out if he's interested in a relationship. I think in this case, getting to know him first and observing his personality is a very smart step before you try to jump into anything.
Embarassed When Friends Talk Sex
Dear Dee:
I am 19 years old and in my second year of university. I found the transition from High School to University very difficult, but now that I'm in my second year, I feel much more comfortable. I have made few friends, but we're becoming very close and I'm so happy about that.
What I'm writing to ask advice for is, my friends are very open sexually. They talk about their hook-ups and experiences easily and are now wondering about me. The truth is, I'm 19 and NEVER been kissed!
I almost find it embarassing - I feel like a little girl when they talk ... they say stuff and I blush and do my best not to laugh, but on the inside, I feel left out and almost weird in a world where I see people kissing on the street corners and the who-knows-what at parties, and there I am, the loser who hasn't had a simple kiss!
Any advice for me?
Do NOT be embarrassed. And there is no reason in this world you should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, this world is totally screwed up when girls talk about their sexual exploits as casually as they talk about the sale at the shoe store. YOU are the one in the right here. These other girls are wrong. And while that's hard for you to see, it is the truth.
It absolutely sickens me how our society has made sex such a casual, conversational thing. It is disgusting how it is a symbol of status among guys and girls. It is VERY VERY wrong!
Let me tell you this: While you're sitting there, listening to the girls talk about their latest one-nighter, and acting like it was a conquest. What they're not telling you is how they're really burying the fact there was no emotional attachment. They’re not talking about the fact that even though they were 'protected,' there's still a part of them that wonders if they'll get pregnant or a disease. They're not talking about how they feel cheap and disgusting because the guy they had sex with probably doesn't even remember their names.
Oh oh ... and let's not forget this extremely disgusting fact: When people sleep around casually, each sexual encounter isn't just with one person, it's with pretty much every person that person has had sex with and so on and so on ... UGH! THAT IS SO SO SO SO GROSS!
OK. So we've talked about 'what they're not saying ...' now let's talk about what they're not doing, OK?
These girls aren't allowing themselves to experience something meaningful with their future husbands. They're not saving anything to give to the one person they are committing their lives to. They aren't realizing they are SPECIAL enough and WORTH WAITING FOR.
And you know what? You are! When you experience the kiss you'll know you're ready and you're mature enough to handle it. You'll know what you want in a guy and you'll be able to choose accordingly.
See, these girls deep down, know what they're doing is inappropriate and wrong. But when they talk about it and are able to share their experiences collectively, they're validating their behavior to themselves ... thinking that it's OK because others are doing it, too.
Don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. Not to be cliché, but you are a RARE jewel and the guy who finds you is so so so lucky. You are worth it. You are worth waiting for. And you're 'lack' of their type of experience is not a slight against you. And that's how you should portray it if you decide to tell them.
You're a great example. And you know what? I'm proud to know you!
