Dear Dee:
I'm 18, my best friend in the world just started college in another state. Lately when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds really depressed. When I ask her what's wrong, she says she doesn't' want to talk about it, and she sounds like she's about to cry, then she says she has to go. She also just emailed me and said she thinks she's leaving that school, but didn't' say why.
I think she's shutting me out because she thinks I can't understand what she's going through since I'm staying home for college. I feel so sad thinking about her being sad! I want to help, but I don't want to be pushy.
Should I leave her alone for a while or call her up and insist that she tell me what's going on?
There are 100 things that could be bothering your friend right now. Leaving home and being lonely are only a few of them.
As her trusted, good friend, it is your responsibility to be there for her if and when she wants to talk and to encourage her. While it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask her what's wrong, it's more important that when she tells you she doesn't want to talk about it, that you let her know that it's OK if she doesn't want to talk, but when she's ready to, you're there for her to listen and to help.
Until she confides in you, the best you can do is encourage her and reaffirm to her again and again you're there for her by your calls, your conversation and your support. Respect the fact she doesn't want to talk about it. And occasionally, you can most definitely ask her what's up -- but don't make it a sore spot in your conversations by repeatedly bringing it up.
Whatever your friend decides -- to stay away at school or come home -- just remember how special she is to you and how much you really want her to be happy. If she comes home, don't make her feel like a failure. Instead, help her through her decision and her next steps. If she stays away at school, talk her through her loneliness and let her feel your support through your conversations while she's away. Don't let that part of your relationship change. You are both obviously important to each other and distance can't take that kind of friendship away.
Lastly, don't get offended or put out by your friend not wanting to discuss what's happening in her life right now. She will when she's ready. Her behavior doesn't mean she doesn't value you as a friend, it just means she's going through some stuff she's never experienced before and she may not be sure how to handle it. Sometimes, it's hard to admit that to our friends -- especially those friends who we've left behind or maybe teased a little because they're staying home (did she?).
It will all work out and this will make your friendship stronger if you adjust and persevere through it.
Friend's Distance & Depression Troubling
I'm Stumped: No One Likes Me
Dear Dee:
At school, no one likes me. They all hate me or they all call me a weirdo. I've been called the b-word lots of times. I've recently been broken up with.
I really liked this boy, but, he liked me at first, then when he found out I liked him, he didn't like me. We went out for a couple weeks, but, it seemed like we never went out at all.
I look my best every day, I do everything i can to get boys to like me, but it never happens. I don't know what to do. I'm in the 8th grade and I'm totally stumped!
So Dee, could you please give me some advice?? I really need the help.
Sometimes, getting people to like you is as simple as changing your mindset. Right now, it appears you're doing all the right things, but for all the wrong reasons.
You shouldn't look your best, act your best and put on your best face just so other people will take notice. You should do it because YOU want to. Because you take pride in yourself and you know you deserve to always put your best foot forward. Don't do this stuff for others. Do it for yourself.
See, when we constantly put ourselves out there just to try to get praise from others we almost guarantee we won't get that praise and will be grossly disappointed. This happens all the time -- you know, when you get a great grade and your parents don't praise you or you get a haircut and no one notices ...So it is just better to do these things for yourself -- and when someone notices, it's bonus and an unexpected surprise.
Quite a few things happen emotionally when you start realizing how important it is to be happy with yourself. You'll find people gravitate towards your self confidence and your great attitude. You'll also find that you're happier with life in general because finally, you're doing things because YOU love to do them and because YOU are calling the shots in your life.
And if you ask guys, there are very few things more attractive to them than a girl who knows what she wants, knows why she wants it and is confident in herself.
So, how about you try really, really hard to start working on your self esteem. Stop thinking about what every one else will say if you wear your hair and makeup a certain way and do things the way you like them because you like them.
I promise you'll see your world so much differently and you'll be happier.
Dream Says I'll Kiss Crush
Dear Dee:
I'm a 14-year-old girl who likes unusual kinds of things, like earth-bound-ghosts, magic-ology, and dreams meaning more than what they appear. I keep having this repetitive dream over and over again. It's about a mix of stuff, but the main part of my dream is about my secret crush.
My dream starts with my whole grade on our 3-day field trip(which is coming up in June.) To make a long story short, I'll skip the unimportant things and get right to the point...I'm seen on a balcony of the hotel we stay at, and my crush is in the other room next to mine(the balcony is the same for the 2 rooms)...I sit out there alone for a minute, then he comes out and starts talking to me. I don't remember what we were talking about, though...but I do remember what happened next.
After a long conversation, my crush comes out saying he really likes me and he always liked me from when we first met, and stuff like that...I won't go into any details, but I was extremely happy to hear him say that. When I asked him how much he liked me, he came closer until he was 3 inches from my face, and said "you tell me" with a smile...um, you can probably figure out what happened next.
He and I are really, really great friends now, but I think this dream could mean something more, like a deja-vu dream...
I think something might happen between the two of us like in my dream. Any advice, Dee?
Who am I to say whether or not a dream holds meaning? I don't pretend to be able to interpret them.
But I can say that the desires of our heart are usually reflected and played out in our dreams (I dream of kissing Wentworth Miller ALL THE TIME in my dreams), the same as our fears (snakes for me) sometimes come out in our dreams. So close your eyes and picture this sweet vision of yours every now and then -- but don't COUNT on it FACT.
I don't say this to discourage you, I say it to you so you won't be looking for that one thing to happen that one particular way -- then MISS OUT on something totally better! You never know. Your crush could kiss you on a balcony on a really cool school field trip. But maybe he'll reveal he likes you in a way that's 100 times better ... (or worse for that matter ... but at least he tells you).
The point is, sometimes we put all of our hopes into one certain scenario and we don't leave room or opportunity for other options and we totally miss the moment. And I don't want this to happen to you.
Enjoy your dreams. Think about them. Treasure them. But, LIVE your life and experience it. Because that's where the REAL magic happens and perfect memories are made.
Kicking a Slutty Wrap
Dear Dee:
Everybody at school thinks I'm a slut but I don't think I am one.
People just think that because a lot of guys like me. All of those people who are saying I'm a slut are spreading it all around school. So now I only have like six friends at school.
Do you have any tips to help me make them think I am not a slut?
Based on the info you've given me, I have no idea why your friends think this. And since I don't know a lot about you, I find this question really hard to answer without asking some offensive questions ... but I am going to do it. And I hope you'll just take what I say to heart if it applies ... and if it doesn't, that's even better (in this case, at least!)
One of two things is going on here: These people are just jealous of the attention you're getting from the guys who like you and they're spreading rumors. Or, they're reading something into something you're doing -- inadvertently maybe -- but it's sending off the vibe.
Could you possibly be dressing inappropriately? There is a difference between sexy and slutty. And at your age, the difference is a thin line. Anything too tight, too revealing or just too grown up looking could give the wrong impression. So look critically at your wardrobe.
Also, I am assuming since you're taking offense to what they're saying -- and a slut is a girl who sleeps around a lot -- that you're not doing that. GREAT! But make sure you don't have ex boyfriends who are spreading rumors just to get back at you for whatever reason. Ideally, it would be great to get that person to renounce their lies ... but that might be difficult.
You also said you think the kids are calling you a slut because a lot of guys like you. Well, are you dating a lot of guys? Even if you're not sleeping around, if you're kind of dating from guy to guy with no real 'break' in between, you're sending the wrong message. Slow down a little bit.
Are you overly flirty and HOW are you flirting? Are you inappropriate or maybe overly touchy? How do you act around guys?
Look, I've thrown out some hard hitting stuff here -- and some reasons why people might be thinking the way they're thinking. The bottom line is, some of this might apply and maybe none of it does. I just ask you to look at what you've got going on and see if there's actual adjustments you should make in your behavior. Because if there's reason behind the reputation, of course, you want to change it.
But maybe you're fine. And the only thing you've done to deserve this slanderous gossip is simply be a beautiful girl who guys happen to gravitate towards. And for that, I'm sorry. The jealous, petty girls spreading the rumors are shameful and very, very sad. And any of your friends who've deserted you because of this are just as pitiful as those spreading rumors.
All you can do is keep your head up and don't let them get to you. Be confident and walk tall and proud. Take solice in the fact their bitterness will make them get disgusting frown lines and wrinkles at an early age and their gossip will return to them one day, like 100 times worse ... because seriously, karma is a total B---- (I can't say it because my mom reads my site ... and a girl's never too old to get yelled at by her momma).
13-Year-Old Chooses to Abstain! YAY
Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and I have a boyfriend who I really love and he loves me, too.
I keep hearing about girls my age getting pressured to have sex. Well, I hate when I sometimes get these feelings that I do want to have sex but then I think about it (do I really want to mess this up now at 13) I'm in 8th grade and we had some classes on abstinence and I am going to stay with my decision not to have sex until marriage but I still get the feeling I want to have sex. What should I do?
The choice to abstain from sex until marriage is absolutely the right choice.
It is what the Bible preaches/teaches and I truly believe a person who marries still a virgin will be blessed during their marriage for obeying and overcoming the temptations. Because we all know, sex is EVERYWHERE!
Just as with everything in life worth waiting for, we are tempted to do things before it's the right time OR before we're ready. Just because you're 13 doesn't mean you're not tempted to have sex. It doesn't mean you won't be pressured to have sex. And just because you've chosen to abstain, doesn't mean you won't want to have sex.
All of this just means you have to overcome those temptations. This is difficult! But it is doable. What you have to realize is what a wonderful, priceless promise you are making to your future husband. You are ensuring you will not suffer through the emotional turmoil of dealing with wondering if you have an STD or if you are pregnancy. You won't have to deal with people whispering about you or thinking your a slut. You also won't have to worry about what the guy will think of you afterwards or the emotional roller coaster a girl rides on after experiencing a break up in a relationship that involved sex.
You have made a decision that will be tested, mocked and maybe will even jeopardize a few of your dating relationships. BUT it will be worth it because you are letting yourself grow up properly and you are doing things right.
Please stay true to your decision. And when you feel the pressure within yourself or by your boyfriend to go further than you're willing to go, take a step back and remember why you're doing this: Because it's right. Because you don't want to grow up too fast and because you want to share it with the love of your life.
It may be old fashioned, but it's still the best decision ever. I am so proud of you.
