Dear Dee:
I am in 7th grade. I am in love with this kid. We went out for a year, but he cheated on and we broke up. A week later we went out again. But then he cheated again.
So then I went out with this other kid. Then the other kid kissed me and the new guy flipped out. Now, they both want to date me. PLEASE HELP ME!
Well, I'm not into being your personal assistant in order to keep your boys or dates straight, so let me give you some more ... practical advice that'll make you a little more happy and keep me from having to take dictation ...
Stay away from the boy who can't seem to STOP stepping out on you ... You've given him a few chances. He's a jerk -- albeit a young one and might grow out of it -- but still a jerk.
Remember how it feels when he stepped out on you DON'T step out on your new boyfriend (which is what you did when you let the former guy kiss you when you were dating the new guy).
Refrain from dating anyone until you can call yourself -- and those you're dating -- something other than 'kid.' ... Kids don't date.
(P.S. Sorry this is a little blunt and kinda cynical. I think I've been watching way too much 'House' ... Just finished season 2 last night ...)
Viscious Circle: This Kid Cheated On That Kid
He's Just Offering Friendship ... For Now
Dear Dee:
I am not the kind of girl who has relationship trouble. I'm 19, I've kissed one guy, and he's the reason I'm writing you.
We knew each other vaguely, I met him in a class, he helped me out a couple of times when I really needed someone to be there and he was just very unexpectedly there with all the right words.
We started e-mailing kind of unexpectedly over Spring Break and talked a lot, about everything and more. I mean, three long e-mails a day. Then we hung out and kissed and went a little further and I said up front that I wasn't in it for a friends-with-benefits; that's not what I'm looking to get myself into.
We talked about it and he said he needed to think (all the talking happened before the going a little further bit; I don't want you to think badly of him). He did think and told me after a week or so that he wasn't at a place right now where he thought he could handle a relationship and I said that was fine and that I still wanted to be friends.
Our conversations tapered off as finals began and only recently (about a month later) did I finally respond to his last e-mail. We've made plans to hang out when I get back into town, and if nothing else, I want him in my life because he's a really good guy, a lot of fun, and someone I love to talk to.
I had thought I was over him, but I'm not. And I can honestly say this is unfamiliar territory for me. I'm not looking to just wait around for him and I understand pressing isn't going to make him into someone who is ready for a relationship right now. I guess I just wanted to know if it's okay for me to start building a friendship with someone who I'm still trying to get over. I just don't think I'll ever be over him entirely, and if I want to be his friend, I figure now is as good a time as ever. To be truthful, I don't really know what I want from you. An objective opinion, perhaps.
What you want from me is a green light to go ahead and get with this guy -- regardless of the fact he's already told you he's not relationship-ready. And I also think you want me to tell you that it won't hurt if you do remain friends with him.
The problem is, it will hurt. And I am betting you already know, if you want to keep your heart safe, you can't be around this guy until you're a little bit stronger. You need that. The fact you wrote me is testament you're just not strong enough to just be his friend.
I don't know what kind of guy he is. I only know what you tell me. And you're saying, last time you were together, AFTER you guys talked you took your make out scene a little farther. AFTER you talked ... so he already knew you were vulnerable and you already knew he wasn't into a relationship. See, he has the upper hand right now in this 'not a friends with benefits' relationship. He knows you have feelings. And he knows you are 'waiting' and willing to be his friend until HE has feelings ...
It may seem callous to talk about a relationship this way, but unless you can really really trust this guy to not take advantage of your vulnerable position, you need to keep your distance until you are composed enough to guard yourself. It would also be great if you could turn the tables on him and either get on equal footing or regain a little edge in the relationship.
Just be careful. And really think about what I've said ... please. I don't want your next email to me to be one explaining how you let a situation go too far or that you're picking up the pieces of a broken heart. Some people, whom we fall for, just can't ever really be our friends ... it's just too painful.
Friend's Death Leaves Girl Scared & Unsure
Dear Dee:
First off, let me tell you how much I love your site! A friend of mine recently died in a car crash and his mother is still in critical condition and may not make it. I feel horrible and don't know how to react. He was a great person and was friendly with everyone. I just can't believe he's gone. I don't know how to handle it. And there is also the fact that I am now afraid to drive. Some advice would be great.OK. I just want to say .... that you DON'T have to give me a compliment in order for me to respond to your questions .... you just don't ... but I must admit to LOVING IT. Thank you. Makes me feel good ...(and we all need that.)
I am so sorry about your friend and am sorry his momma. I sure can't explain why horrible things like this happen -- why mothers outlive their sons -- and why young friends have to be torn apart before the living really starts.
But I do know it doesn't do any good at all to dwell on it. You have to mourn, that's for sure. But you have to realize that life is precious, and not being able to 'deal' with it prohibits you from doing what you need to to be a useful, purposeful and amazing person.
For you to deal with the loss of your friend, you have to mourn and say goodbye. I don't know what he meant to you or what your memories of him are, but take the time to do something special to remember him by. If you always hung out at the ice cream shop at the mall, then go there, sit and journal a little and think of him and say your goodbye.
Saying goodbye doesn't mean you'll forget him. It just means you're allowing yourself to realize and accept he's gone. It's a process. And you've got to work through it.
Life is made up of experiences and how we handle those experiences -- whether good or bad -- defines the person we become. Right now, you're experiencing sadness and also fear -- and don't let that fear conquer you. Don't be afraid to live. Don't be afraid to drive and most of all, don't be afraid to enjoy your life. You're friend would want you to do now, what he can't.
Parents: They're Good For What Ails Ya
Dear Dee:
I love reading your advice, it helps a lot of people, other than me. And when kids ask me questions similar to other questions you've answered, it helps them to talk to a friend, rather than their parents. Thank you!Hey thank you so much for writing in! I love hearing from my readers and especially love knowing I can help you every now and then! But hey, don't short-suit talking to your parents. They're pretty smart and can help you out -- trust them with your problems, too ... they might just surprise you and give you some excellent advice. Remember, your parents can't help you fix a problem if you don't talk to them about it. Keep them informed. Keep talking to them. This will not only make you feel better, but it will also go a long way in helping you keep their trust.
Keep reading ... and keep writing!
Big-Mouthed Jerk Ruins Her Reputation
Dear Dee:
I'm 15 and I've been dating this guy for two years, and then he got me to have sex with him. I feel really bad about it because of our age difference he's 17. Now every time I look at him I cringe at the thought of what we did, it's eating me away, and then he told his stupid football friends and now I'm known as the school whore, which isn't true. I did it one time and suddenly I'm a whore!
I've lost all of my friends, I've lost my dignity and my parents' trust. I wish I could rewind time and take this all back but I know I can't. Did I make a horrible decision doing this? My dad tells me I'm a disgrace to the family. Did I make the wrong choice? did I totally kill my future?You did make a bad choice -- but you didn't need me to tell you that. You already know it. Now, stop dwelling on it, get over it and get your reputation back. Don't let one stupid misstep define who you are. EVERYONE makes mistakes.
This guys is a fantastic loser. He is the reason many women think men are dogs. And let me tell you something that'll make you feel really, really great: Karma is a BITCH! He'll get his, honey.
His behavior proves he's egotistical, clearly not a gentleman and most definitely not mature enough to handle anything even close to a relationship. And, most of all the pig doesn't even know what he's done to his own reputation among the other girls in the school. Who wants to be with a guy who doesn't respect a girl enough to NOT kiss and tell? What an idiot. (Hey, feel free to tape this to his locker ... make sure to tell him it's from me ... I would love it if the jerk wrote to me ... I love telling off stupid guys.)
So sorry for the rant. It's just one of those days .... ANYWAY ... you are not ruined merchandise. You're not a second-class citizen. You're a young girl who made a bad choice. It will take awhile, but you can regain your parents' trust. You can make others forget about this and you definitely can move on.
One thing I am sure of: Through some of the biggest mistakes in our lives, we are forced to make a huge decision ... we can either let that mistake define us or we can learn from it and become stronger, better people.
You might ask me 'what could I possibly learn from this?' And to that question, I'd say you've learned:
-- You're not ready for a sexual relationship
-- You understand how important your reputation is
-- You realize how valuable and precious trust is
-- You know what kind of guy you want to date and the kind you want to stay away from
-- You've learned who your real friends are
Honey, it is hard to learn these kinds of lessons the hard way -- especially since you spent two years of your young life with this moron. But Now you know. You can chose to allow this experience to make you a better person ... Make new friends. Rebuild trust. Heal your broken heart. And most of all, forgive yourself.
