Dear Dee:
I'm 13 and recently it feels like everyone has just been leaving me out. Not too long ago, my friend and I got into a fight. When we apologized and made up she said she lied about me being boring but when I confronted her about it she then said that I was boring but a fun type of boring.
I understood but I still felt like it was my fault she has to put up with me.
Then recently my parents have been getting angry with me for everything I seem to do. They also decided we'd move sometime in March and start looking for a house this week and the next. And when I told them my opinions about why I didn't like the house they didn't even listen.
All they can think about is making money. And it feels like they haven't been listening to me at home either. Nobody seems to care about what I have to say. I want to just lock away my words, but when I tried so many years ago because all the other kids were picking on me, my parents grounded me for being rude and not listening or answering them.
I'm the only vegetarian in the house too, but my parents are always lecturing me about how it's not right or healthy, or how animals are meant to be eaten. Now all I want to do is cry, drop out of school, and wait to die. I don't know what to do.
Parents sometimes think they're doing all they can to act in your best interests, but forget that sometimes, all we really need is to just be heard. Ultimately the decision is theirs -- where we live, where we move to and other life-altering decisions rest in their domain until we reach 18 and move out -- but still, it's nice to know they take the time to hear our opinions.
Especially in this case, I would urge you to tell your parents you really need to talk to them -- not only about your moving situation but about how you feel they aren't letting you in on key decisions. Tell them you understand they don't have to do what you want, but let them know you would like to be heard and considered -- as a viable, contributing member of the family.
Now, you kinda shoot yourself in the foot so to speak if you don't approach this with a respectful and obedient attitude. You must admit to knowing they have authority over you -- and that you respect that. And you also must admit to knowing they will do what's best for you in the end. But show them you're able to make rational decisions and not stomp off when you're disagreed with. That you'd welcome a dialogue.
OK. Now onto your friend ... I hate to say it, but a friend doesn't tell another friend she's ... BORING. That's just uncool. So let's ditch this sister and find some friends who appreciate you for who you are.
Remember you're going through a lot of changes right now -- you're new to the teen-age thing and you're hormones are racing! New experiences and change surround you -- so you're bound to feel like you're out of your element and downright out of control of what's happening.
Dropping out of school, harming yourself or even deciding to curl up and wait it out are all cowardly responses to what's happening in your life right now. And the remark you made about wanting to die is also an overreaction to what's going on. Meet it dead on and take charge of what's happening in your life emotionally. Talk to an adult you trust or contact a professional on one of our hotlines.
I want you to know you are important. Your opinion matters and you have tons of exciting adventures ahead of you -- don't go off the deep end emotionally right now because of some trials -- show you can muster up the strength to get through this. Get some help and be stronger for asking for it. You'll find you understand yourself better once you get through this and you'll be able to look back on it as a huge learning experience. I know you can do it. And I know you can work through it. I will be thinking of you. And please, let me know how it all works out.
13 & I'm Invisible
Don't Have Courage to Talk to Guys
Dear Dee:
Of course,I have a problem too. First, here's a big hug to give you a strength to solve my problem. Sorry, I'm from Europe and I don't speak English that well.
I have problems approaching guys. I'm pretty and all, but some guys just aren't the type to walk up to a girl and I just don't know how to go up to them. I'm asking for information on how to approach a guy at the movies, school -- anywhere and everywhere!
I send to you a kiss, hug and a smile.
This is really, really exciting! An international reader! Thank you so much for taking the time to read 'Dear Dee' and to write a question.
I also greatly appreciate the hugs, the smiles and the kisses. It definitely helps me do my job better when I know I am loved and appreciated!
About your problem -- being shy isn't really a problem. It is a matter of self-esteem and confidence. You said yourself you think you're pretty so there is already a bit of confidence there, you just have to expand on it.
You don't have to be 100 percent fear-free to go up and approach a guy. In fact, being a little freaked out by the idea is what will help you get through it. Let the adrenalin you feel and the nervousness give you the strength to get up the courage to do it. Remember, even if you're not 100 percent comfortable talking to guys, the idea is to LOOK comfortable.
To approach a guy, you don't have to have an earth shattering conversation topic in mind. Just talk about what you know -- if it's a guy in one of your classes, talk about the homework, or casually 'forget' to write the assignment down -- then ask him for it. Every word you speak to him is a start and will make it easier the next time you 'need some help in class.'
Hey, it all starts out with a bold step towards the guy, then a simple word --
'hi.' Maybe think of a topic, but don't map out your conversation. You'll just get frustrated when you can't remember what you practiced. You can do this. You're brave enough, you're smart enough and you most definitely can muster up the confidence. Just do it.
And please get back to me on how it goes, OK?
He Says He Doesn't Like Me Anymore
Dear Dee:
There is this guy who I REALLY like and at first he liked me but now he says he doesnt like me.
I don't know if it's something I did or something I said. He still flirts with me, though. Im in 8th grade and it's my last year in middle school and I've NEVER had a REAL boyfriend. Please tell me what I should do!
Hey, sorry this guy seems to be messing around with your emotions. But if he says he's not interested, don't let him get the best of you.
Try your hardest to forget him and move on. And don't worry about not having had a boyfriend yet. You'll get one and it'll be great!
Hey, by the way, did you know one of the best ways to spark a guy's interest is to act as if you're not interested in him? Seriously ... it works. And when a guy KNOWS you like him and he's kind of on the fence how he feels, sometimes, a girl showing lack of interest is all that's needed to spark a new flame ... it might be the case here ... you never know!
Sick, In Love & Don't Know What To Do
Dear Dee:
I'm in grade 11, in an all academic and pre-AP program, getting great grades, with more friends than I can count, parents who (for the most part) love and support me, and I'm pretty and well-liked.
But some reason I'm not happy. I can't seem to find anything that really makes me enjoy life. I mean, I can have fun and laugh a bit when I'm with my friends, but the second they're not around I get really upset. I've been crying every day when I get home from school, and lashing out at my friends and parents.
I don't have a lot of energy, and I've been getting sick a lot. I'm really confused about what's wrong and what to do. I know one of the reasons why I'm so upset, but it's not the whole cause, because I'm mostly fine about it.
I'm in love (and I really do mean in love, not just crushing) with a guy. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I know he's the one for me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We've known each other since we were kids and we used to be great friends, but lately we've been drifting apart.
He lives really far away, so I only get to see him once a year (I won't get to see him this year though, because I'm doing an exchange to France,) and he never talks to me online. I'll try to start conversations and all I get are one-word answers.
I'm worried he might not want to talk to me either because I'm younger than him (he's a college freshman, and two years older than me) or because he's so self-conscious. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm pretty and he's kind of plain, plus I know he's insecure about his appearance. Plus his high school average was a C, and every time we visit my dad brags about my grades. Is there anything I can do to get him back as a friend?
I'm not even going to bother going for girlfriend because I know that won't work right now, but I really want to stay his friend.
Love can definitely make you feel a little off emotionally, physically and in every other way possible -- but I wouldn't say that is 100 percent why you're feeling the way you are. I encourage you to talk to an adult you trust. If you're not comfortable with that, maybe try to talk to your school nurse or maybe contact someone on one of our hotlines. Don't mess around with your emotional health. Go ahead and talk to someone.
Now about the guy ... Seriously, I only know a handful of guys who are avid communicators when you're not in a face-to-face situation. Most don't tend to be great on the phone, or at returning emails or IMs. It sucks to generalize all guys like this, but I seriously believe it's true!
If you like him and you think he's pulling away, maybe it's time to shake things up a bit and let him know you actually like him. Sometimes when a relationship seems to 'stall,'it needs a little shaking up -- and nothing can shake it up like a revelation of love.
OK OK. Don't actually tell him you think you're in love with him. But go ahead and let him know that he's on your mind and you think you'd like to take your friendship to the next level. Hey, it's not perfect -- but sometimes you've just got to put yourself out there.
Don't forget you're going to have to face a huge hurdle because of the long-distance issue. So think long and hard before putting it out there. The distance and fact you can only see each other once a year and sometimes not at all, kind of already dooms your relationship. Be smart. After thinking about it, you might just have to resign yourself to realizing this particular relationship can't ever really go anywhere.
But hey, it's your call. You have to decide if it's worth a try ...
Good luck to you and please take my advice on your health problems. I really think you should see someone.
Friends Like the Same Guy
Dear Dee:
My best friend and I like the same guy. Everyone knows my friend likes him, no one knows I do. He flirts with both of us.
He and I are closer than my friend and him. The thing is, we both really love him. It's kind of weird how much, and we both know each other likes him.
He and I were talking and he said he doesn't like my friend. I really like him and I think he likes me but I'm not completely sure. I want to ask him out but if I do, and if he says yes, I don't want to be called names because of everyone knowing my friend liked him. What should I do, Dee?
No matter what happens here, someone is going to get hurt. Are you OK with that person being your friend and it pretty much ruining your friendship forever? I think the answer to that question will tell you a lot about your friendship and how important or unimportant it is to you.
Also, while I wasn't there when you were talking to this guy about how he felt about your friend, I honestly hope it wasn't a 'sabatoge' conversation -- and you weren't trying to discourage him from liking her. That would be totally uncool. But hey, I know you wouldn't do that. So no worries, right?
Anyway, once you decide if you're willing to lose your friend over this guy, then I think your choices are simple. If you are, then ask him out and get ready for the fall out. You'll have to develop some thick skin because it probably won't be very kind -- especially since everyone knows you were friends with this other girl and knows she liked him. In fact, it could potentially ruin your reputation -- others will probably think you're a little ruthless and kind of a back-stabber. They could also see you as a boyfriend stealer -- even though he and your friend weren't even going out. Lastly, I think you'll probably forfeit the best friend of the year award ... ... Ready to deal with that?
OR ... You could always just let this crush your friend has play out. If he really doesn't like your friend in that way, then more than likely she'll get over it soon and move her crushing attentions to someone else ... THEN this guy would be fair game. It might be hard for you to think about waiting, but I actually think it would best. Then you can probably keep your friend AND end up with the guy in the end. And all you have to do is be patient!
