Broken Up, But Still Have Feelings

Dear Dee:

My boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. Now he is going out with someone else and I still have feelings for him even though I don't let them show. What should I do?

You've gotta just keep on doing what you're doing now. Keep your head up, try not to let him get to you, and move on.

Breaking up is never easy, and most of the time, one person in the couple doesn't want the relationship to end. But we just have to accept it and move on.

Look, he didn't even have the guts to tell you personally -- he called you. So, while you do still have feelings for him, console yourself by knowing you deserve better than that. You deserved to be told face-to-face and given a valid reason.

Since he's already moved on, it's going to hurt awhile to see him with another, but you really will be OK. And you'll find someone better. You really, really will.

He Doesn't Deserve Me, Right?

Dear Dee:

My boyfriend treats me like dirt, after everything I do for him. I wear low-cut shirts for him; I actually do my hair for him!

I ride my bike in 25-degree weather at 7 a.m. just to see him and he blows me off!
He only pays attention to me when he wants to make out or do other things. When we go out, he'll say bye to my parents and not me. What is that about?

Hum. Honey, all the things that you do for your boyfriend, you should be doing for yourself. You shouldn't be dressing sexy for this guy. You shouldn't fix yourself up for this guy.

You should do those things because you're proud of who you are and how you look. You should want to fix yourself up because it makes YOU feel good. Not because this idiot of a boyfriend wants you to.

In doing this, you've given him control over you. Through your actions, you've told him that you don't care how he treats you, and that you're ready and willing to give him what he wants because everything you do, you do for him.
Um, hello. That's not how girls are these days. WE dictate what we do, how we look and whom we date. We also say yes and no to the kissing and other stuff, and we don't have to do it if we don't want to.

It's time you realized you're important. And it's time you take pride in the fact you know who you are and what you deserve. This guy obviously doesn't know how to treat a girl and that HE doesn't make you who you are. You're not just his girlfriend. You're a beautiful, confident girl who has dreams, ambitions and goals, and knows how to find a guy to appreciate all of that.

So my advice to you is tell this guy to shove it and find someone who knows how to treat a lady. And remember, a relationship is two people -- not one, doing everything else the other wants. You call the shots, too. You don't just obey them.

Saying 'Yes' Then Telling Mom & Dad

Dear Dee:
If a guy asked me out and I said yes, I wouldn't know how to tell my parents.

If I didn't tell them, they would find out anyway and I don't want them angry at me. How do I tell them? This guy I liked asked me to go out with him but I didn't say anything. How do I say yes?

Lastly, I don't know if he likes me or not because the guys in my school dare people to go out with people. I asked him if he liked me, but he didn't say anything. How do I find out if he likes me?

Before you are in a situation where you have to tell your parents you have a boyfriend, it might be a good idea to go ahead and talk to them beforehand, and find out what their rules/expectations are. Then at least you'd know where you stand and what your obstacles are.

While you're having this chat with your parents, make sure you take on an attitude that is respectful of what they have to say and lets them know you're ready to handle having a boyfriend. Ask them to consider compromises if you don't agree with what they're saying and offer up suggestions.

For instance, if they say you can't go out with a guy on a date, maybe suggest group dates of four or more people. Another solution might be asking him to your house for a movie night. (And make your parents promise not to hover or embarrass you ...)

Since you don't state your age, it's hard for me to suggest more than that, but the most important thing is to be honest with your parents and do all you can to stay within their guidelines. Dating takes responsibility -- and if you have to break their rules to even have a boyfriend, then you're peddling backward in earning their trust. And that does NOTHING in advancing your cause.

In regard to knowing if this guy really likes you or whether he was dared to ask you out, rely on your gut on this one. If he won't give you a straight answer, read his body language. Then decide if he's not telling you because he's shy or because he was really dared. You'll probably be able to tell. You just have to be OK with finding out the truth.

Oh, and if he was dared and asked you out because of it, brush it off and don't worry about it. That fact alone shows HE is not old enough to handle dating and SO doesn't deserve you.

New School, New Friends, Way-Bad Manners

Dear Dee,
I'm 12 years old and I go to a prep school. A lot of the kids there are really rich and snobby.

I just started this year and previously went to public school for six years. I miss all of my old friends so much. They were never like the peers at my new school. I had a sleepover two months ago, and invited my old and new schoolmates. My mom was appalled at the behavior of my new friends and didn't want me hanging out with them anymore.

On the other hand, she thought my old friends were very polite. My mom is especially worried I am going to start acting the same way as my new schoolmates. I would love to go to public school again, but the one I'm zoned for is so bad -- there have been stabbings there.

I'm so confused. Please help, Dee. I feel like you're the only one I can talk to.

Thank you so much for the confidence you have in me. It really means a lot to me to have all of you faithful readers and question askers. I love knowing I help in a small way.

I can understand why your parents would send you to a different school if they're worried about your safety, but they can't expect you not to hang out with anyone while you're at school. That's just unrealistic and would make your school time miserable.

Just let your mom know you're just as appalled by your new friends' behavior as she is and you're really hoping you can be a positive influence on them. Assure her you will stay true to yourself and the way she's brought you up.

You could very well be exactly what this new group of friends needs. You can help them understand how important it is to treat people well, act respectful and be more down-to-earth. Figure out not-so-obvious ways to let them know some of their behavior is unacceptable. Don't call them out on it in every situation, but figure out clever ways to counter their actions with what's right. With any luck, they'll catch on and learn something from you!

Don't forget about your 'old' friends. They'll keep you grounded and in touch with reality. It's OK to associate with both groups, and it's awesome you have that opportunity. So many people are only exposed to a single group of people and don't learn anything about social acceptance and having a multitude of friends. So while it may not seem like it sometimes, you are lucky in that regard. Make the most of it and help all your friends learn to accept and respect each other.

Being Pulled By Parents

Dear Dee:
My parents are divorced. My mom hates my dad and my dad hates my mom.

I just got a new phone for my room. My mom called me. My dad picked up while I was talking and started listening. He has done this twice. I don't think it's right.

I know I'm his daughter and everything but he needs to lay off. It makes me so mad. Do you think it's right? I feel like I'm a spy for each of my parents. I talked to Dad about it and said I was tired of being the little spy for them.

He doesn't know that I rarely talk to my mom about what I do over at my dad's house. He thinks I do! I hate it when we fight. I sometimes don't want to be with my mom or my dad. I feel guilty. Should I? I need help.

You most definitely shouldn't feel guilty. It is not your fault your parents are divorced OR that they are both making you feel like this. Whatever is going on between them, they need to sort it out themselves and let you enjoy being with each of them during the times you're with them. And obviously, you can't do that if they're badgering you about what the other is doing while you're with him/her.

It's probably time for you to act like the grownup and talk to your parents. In these types of situations, where emotions rule and common sense takes a back seat, it's really OK for you to step up and play the adult. You have to in order to keep sane!

Sit them down together or separately (your discretion) and tell them NOT to talk until you're done. Get them both to agree to this before you begin. Write down talking points beforehand if you need to, but lay it on the line about the spying, the questions, talking bad about each other in front of you -- all the things that bother you. Let them know THEY are the ones who got the divorce. You, as their child, are still attached to each of them.

Let them know how all of this makes you feel and then, in no uncertain terms, tell them it needs to stop. Tell them you're afraid that if they don't, you feel it will start to affect you in other areas like school and socially. Let them know you really are worried about their emotional well-being and yours.

Your dad most definitely shouldn't be listening in on conversations with your mom, and your mom shouldn't drill you about the time you spend with your dad. The time you spend with them is about YOU bonding and staying connected -- it's not a recon mission to find out what the other is doing.