Being Pulled By Parents

Dear Dee:
My parents are divorced. My mom hates my dad and my dad hates my mom.

I just got a new phone for my room. My mom called me. My dad picked up while I was talking and started listening. He has done this twice. I don't think it's right.

I know I'm his daughter and everything but he needs to lay off. It makes me so mad. Do you think it's right? I feel like I'm a spy for each of my parents. I talked to Dad about it and said I was tired of being the little spy for them.

He doesn't know that I rarely talk to my mom about what I do over at my dad's house. He thinks I do! I hate it when we fight. I sometimes don't want to be with my mom or my dad. I feel guilty. Should I? I need help.

You most definitely shouldn't feel guilty. It is not your fault your parents are divorced OR that they are both making you feel like this. Whatever is going on between them, they need to sort it out themselves and let you enjoy being with each of them during the times you're with them. And obviously, you can't do that if they're badgering you about what the other is doing while you're with him/her.

It's probably time for you to act like the grownup and talk to your parents. In these types of situations, where emotions rule and common sense takes a back seat, it's really OK for you to step up and play the adult. You have to in order to keep sane!

Sit them down together or separately (your discretion) and tell them NOT to talk until you're done. Get them both to agree to this before you begin. Write down talking points beforehand if you need to, but lay it on the line about the spying, the questions, talking bad about each other in front of you -- all the things that bother you. Let them know THEY are the ones who got the divorce. You, as their child, are still attached to each of them.

Let them know how all of this makes you feel and then, in no uncertain terms, tell them it needs to stop. Tell them you're afraid that if they don't, you feel it will start to affect you in other areas like school and socially. Let them know you really are worried about their emotional well-being and yours.

Your dad most definitely shouldn't be listening in on conversations with your mom, and your mom shouldn't drill you about the time you spend with your dad. The time you spend with them is about YOU bonding and staying connected -- it's not a recon mission to find out what the other is doing.