'I've Lost Myself'

Dear Dee:
I have so many different identities, I think I've lost my true self and I know my true identity is the sweet, loving girl who loves animals and cares about people she doesn't even know. But when I started middle school, I started following punk and then I went into drugs, then gangs and stupid things like that.

Now when people ask me what I like, I end up lying and saying drugs and ghetto stuff. I'm just so lost and I don't know if I should change to my true self or someone else again. Please help; what do I do? I mean, it's pathetic. I'm in tenth grade now and I still have this problem.

It doesn't matter much that you have different aspects of your identity. There are different sides you show to different people regarding what setting you're in or what friends you're hanging out with. So don't worry that you have a punk side to you, or a sweet side, or an animal-loving side. All those characteristics and mixes of things make you who you are.

What you do need to cut out, though, is the aspects of your identity that aren't good for you and can taint everything else that IS good about you -- the habits and problems that can get you into trouble, harm you and cause you nothing but problems. Those are the things people remember. They don't remember the good things, unfortunately. And doing these things now (drugs, gangs) could affect you negatively for the rest of your life.

So, as you strive to clean up your act and truly find yourself, don't struggle with separating yourself from items that really define who you are. Just remove the elements that aren't healthy or good for you. It doesn't matter you enjoy being a little punk -- as long as you can separate the drugs and gangs from it. It doesn't matter you might be a little rough sometimes, but still have a softer, sweet side. These elements are what make you uniquely you and prove that your personality wasn't simply cast out of a mold -- but was and is being fashioned and shaped as you develop and discover new things.

Please be careful. And remember, establishing one's identity is a process we do our entire lives, because our world views, outlooks and situations on life change. Who we are today is not who we were five years ago or will be in 10 years. So don't stress. This isn't a problem -- it's a developing progression. Embrace it, be safe and make smart choices. And if you have problems figuring out how to get out of the bad habits you've formed (drug use, gangs, etc.) get some help. Talk to an adult you trust or contact someone on our hotlines. I wish you the best