I Love Him, But He's Wrong for Me

Dear Dee:
I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now, I really care and love him, but he tries to keep me away from my friends and the life I love and am used to.

He tries real hard to keep me all to himself and he believes when you're in a relationship you shouldn't have those things anymore. What really hurts is I honestly love this guy, but I know I would not be happy with him in the long haul, which kills me.

I think he would do something stupid if I left him (suicide). I'm serious when I say if he ever did something like that, it would literally destroy me. Should I try to make him get over me before I end it? Because that's what I've been trying to do. I just don't know anymore, all of this is hurting me everyday so badly.

Get out now. Get out now. Get out now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be and the more attached/demanding of you this guy will become. If he's this way while you're dating, I can only imagine it getting worse later on ...

Sweetheart, this is not a normal or healthy relationship. It is based on control and manipulation. This guy is controlling your interaction with friends and family and he is manipulating you by telling you he'd hurt himself if you'd leave. I am sure there are other things, too -- but these are the two jumping out at me.

You have a right to life outside and apart from this relationship. Even in marriages, people still have their own friends, their own interests and time to themselves. It's absolutely absurd, and borderline abusive for him to control every aspect of your life. AND you don't have to put up with it!

You say it yourself: You love him, but he's not the guy for you. Realizing that is HUGE. People fall in love with the wrong person all the time. Unfortunately, most don't realize it until real damage is done or they make big commitments. So, you've discovered it. Now, get out of it, take time to heal and move on.

There is no easy way to ever end a relationship, especially when strong emotions are involved. But you have to do it. In this situation, your health and happiness depend on it. Be strong, and if you have to, take someone you trust and respect with you to break up with this guy. Don't do it alone. I fear there's a chance he'd get violent and I don't want you in harm's way.

Be prepared. He will get angry. And he more than likely will try to talk you out of breaking it off with him. He might even threaten to harm you or himself. But you have got to be strong. As of this moment, you need to look after yourself. So, instruct the person with you to help you walk away after you've said what you need to.

I'd like to also say, if you feel threatened or in any way in danger from this guy, take all necessary precautions. Talk to an adult you trust right away and ask him/her to help you and advise you on what to do.

I know I am saying some pretty extreme/scary things -- but I worry. The type of behavior he's exhibited towards you is unpredictable. And I want you to be safe. If you need to talk to someone, and don't feel you can reach out to anyone around you, please contact someone at one of the Help Hotlines I have listed.

Be strong. Be safe and most of all, remember you are important and deserve so much more. Now, go after it.

Girl Down on Self Needs to See Her Potential

Dear Dee:
I'm a 16-year-old girl and I really hate myself. I never think I look right or act right and at the moment I'm pretty paranoid.

At school I'm known as the shy one who never has anything to say but people just don't understand. I find it so hard to say what I think. I have a small group of friends and they are all great but I want to make more friends. I want to know other people could like me.

I'm embarrassed to say I've never been kissed by a boy and have only had 2 really short relationships so surely there's something wrong with me. People obviously think there is. I'm ugly, well I think I am anyway. When people say I'm not, I want to believe them so badly but I just think they are being nice to me because I'm a total reject.

I hate feeling like this and everything's just getting worse. I really need some help and I guess I just don't know how to get it. I've been thinking about suicide and clearly don't want to go down that route. How can I stop hating myself so much and just accept the way I am?

Listen, I am not a professional therapist and can not give you clinical advice at all. And if you feel like you are going to harm yourself -- or others -- you need to talk to an adult you trust right away. This is not a laughing matter. Call someone on my list of Hotlines and Help Contacts. This type of situation is exactly why these resources were created.

Suicide is a very permanent solution to very, very temporary problems. Part of life is learning how to get through these rough patches and come out stronger, wiser and a much better person. And you can get through this. Nothing you're going through right now is devastating or beyond help. You've just got to determine within yourself to deal with it and learn from it.

You are a beautiful young woman with promise. The way you're feeling right now, you might not see that, but there is no one in this world exactly like you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and created for a purpose that can only be filled by you. And while you may not see that right this very second, it's a promise you will come to realize in time. So believe it. Hold this truth close to your heart and whenever you feel crappy, remember it. Use this truth to help you appreciate yourself and what you have to offer this world.

You're upset because you haven't been kissed or had many relationships. But if you really think about this, how can you expect people to gravitate towards you or want to be with you if you can't love yourself. I know it sounds silly, but it's true! Seems right now, you're so caught up in self-pity, it would be difficult for others to be with you.

Honey, you say you want to stop feeling like this. So just stop then. Stop dwelling on the things about yourself that make you unhappy and start focusing on what you love about life. What are your hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? Maybe even dive into some charity work so you can stop thinking about yourself and put energy into others. Work on understanding that sometimes, it's not all about us or the way we feel -- and rewards are reaped in big ways when we focus on others.

Challenge yourself constantly. You want more friends? Then make it a point to meet new people! Swallow that shyness and try to say hello to a new person every single week. Step out of your comfort zone and instead of walking by a group of people with your head down, hold your head up high and smile when you pass. Even these small steps will make you feel better about yourself and make others look at you a little differently.

Don't read into your friends' compliments. When they tell you you're a pretty girl, soak that in! Don't dissect the compliment and question their motives. Are you honest with your friends when you compliment them? Sure you are! So don't insult your friends by expecting them to be anything less than truthful.

Lastly, believe in yourself and your ability to be beautiful -- inside and out. And I promise you, once you do this -- really, really do it -- you'll see a difference in how people react towards you. Again, you are a special young lady. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and you're haven't even begun to experience your full, exciting and excellent potential.

don't doubt it. Just seek it.

Facebook Crush Causes Depression, Sadness

Dear Dee:
I know a lot of notes start like this, but here it goes.

So there is this guy ... he is smart and fun to be around. We talk everyday on Facebook and he tries to get together with me every week.

A few days ago, he says "I really like (name omitted), but I can't think of a place to take her out." It hurt to hear, but I didn't want to seem like I thought of him romantically. So, like an idiot, I started suggesting places.

Now ever since, we still talk, but I'm depressed. I'll just be sitting around and all of a sudden burst into tears. Now I feel like the person in the movie, who likes the guy, but he likes the popular girl in school. Do you know what can be done?

Sounds like you hit this curve ball out of the park when this guy sprung his dating dilemma on you. Good job.

But here's the rub: You can either continue to suffer in private, secretive pain while he dates this other person, or you can let him know how you feel. See, in movies, it seems cool for the 'girl who likes the guy who likes another girl' to wait until the guy sees how wonderful the girl is, but in real life, it doesn't always work like that.

Don't get me wrong: It happens. But most of the time, the person who goes after what she wants gets what she wants. You never know, he could've been testing you to see if you'd say something back like 'why you taking her to dinner ... isn't it my turn' or 'Well, how about you take her to McDonald's and me to Red Lobster ... I seem more your type.' He may have been gauging whether or not you liked him by seeing how you reacted to another girl. It's silly, but guys do that sometimes.

Anyway, you know your situation best, but I think you can be subtle and find out if you have a chance with him. Don't wait idly by and burst into tears everytime you think about it. Dry those eyes and do something about your pain. And if he's not interested, it's best to know than to always wonder. You can then deal with your disappointment, mourn it and move on.

Also, while I understand your depression (I've been there myself), remember happiness is a choice. Yes, you're hurting but don't let this overtake you or let your sadness define you. You're a beautiful, wonderful person with many opportunities. Do not let your happiness live and die with a guy on Facebook. We really spend too much time letting our happiness depend on other people ... when we should take charge ourselves and realize we're going to be happy regardless of what others say or do.

Now, just as a side note: You didn't really mention if you know this guy from school as well. You definitely said you talk on Facebook, which is fine, but if he's not a personal acquaintance, be careful. I don't condone meeting and hooking up with people online --when you don't really, really know them. I am assuming, since it's Facebook, you probably know him from another area of your life. But still, I had to say it (I'm cautious like that ...).

Ohio Boyfriend & A Memphis Crush

Dear Dee:
First off, I love your blog!

My problem is, I recently moved to Ohio from Tennessee, where I have lived in for so long.

Currently, I have a boyfriend whom I like a lot, but school is out in like 2 weeks and I'm going back to Memphis for the whole summer. There's this guy I really liked when I was down there and still like today.

I'm thinking I should break up with my current boyfriend while I am in Memphis because I'm afraid something might happen with me and the other guy and I wouldn't want to cheat on my boyfriend.

Is that OK to do? I've talked and talked about it to my best friends and they both gave me 2 different answers. I'm stuck. Please help!!!

If your plan is to break up with your boyfriend now, go and fool around with this guy in Memphis, then come back and reconnect with your ex in Ohio, then to say the least, that seems pretty trashy.

If you're breaking up with the Ohio boy just because you don't want to have any ties while you're out in Memphis and don't really know if you'll get back with him later, then that's fine.

Look, you either like your boyfriend enough to stay 'faithful' to him when you're in Memphis, or you don't. And it kind of sounds like you don't. And that's fine! You're young, you're allowed to have several boyfriends and you're also allowed to have times when you' don't actually have to have a boyfriend!

Now if you break up with your him, take into account you will probably be hurting him and there's a possibility you two won't be on speaking terms when you get back. So don't make your decision lightly. The fact you know you could date this guy back in Memphis (because it doesn't sound like you'd tell him 'no') seems to suggest you really should break up before leaving -- as cheating isn't the way to go.

Let me just say this: Regardless of how old you are, there are always temptations. And in relationships, even the most happiest couples think of a former flame, or a guy/girl he/she used to like or even still crushes on a little. But the difference is, knowing when it's OK to act on such things and knowing when what you have, is worth more than taking chances on a fling or in this case, a summer romance.

Is your boyfriend who you want to be with? Do you want to stay with him over the summer? If so, then keep him around and then, when you're in Memphis, stay away from this other guy. If you don't want to be with your current flame, then break it off -- regardless of what might happen in Memphis. (BTW, Memphis is one of my favorite places on earth! I'd love to live there some day.)

Momma Feels She's Losing Grip on Son

Dear Dee:
My son is 13 years old. Up until a month ago, he was the perfect child and student. All of a sudden, his grades started slipping, he started smoking and knows where to buy drugs.

Even though I believe in my heart he is not taking illegal substances, I am concerned with the type of friends he has. He also started talking to me like I am nothing in his life, excepts when he needs money etc.

I have now informed all the parents of his friends what is happening and he is grounded for the next 3 weeks. My heart is breaking, he is so young and throwing away his whole life. Some of the other parents just don’t care and says they are big enough to make their own decisions.

How can I keep him away from these children or make him understand? I have tried talking to him, but he only gives me a blank stare. I want my son back, it feels like I am losing him. Please help.

Mom, I normally don't answer questions from parents -- only young adults -- but your question, I wanted to respond to, because the response can benefit my readers and hopefully you, too (and I've been there!).

Once kids hit the teen years, some parents think it's time to stop parenting and become more of a best friend ... well ... our kids have best friends at school. They don't need them at home, too. Once adolescence hits, it's like the world looks at our kids differently. They're no longer kids, but not really adults. And the pressures are way way serious in their world. So, it's more important than ever, parents know what's going on in their teen's lives and they guard against, and instruct them on how to handle these pressures.

I know when I was that age, there were times I hated my mom and dad for being in my face, getting into my business and always butting in when I didn't want them to. But, my parents didn't care. They didn't let the fact I yelled, had a cruddy attitude and treated them like sh** impact their involvement in my life. They instructed me, kept me in line and never let me forget they loved me and were doing it all for my own good.

You've mentioned your son's attitude and actions are getting a little out of hand. It is your job, however painful for you, to keep on him. Keep in line. Ride him about his grades and keep him away from kids you don't want him hanging with. Do whatever necessary to keep him on the right track. He's going to see it as hateful and none of your business, but later, he'll be glad you did it.

His actions right now, can define the rest of his life. And whether or not you want to believe it, you, as the parent, are ultimately responsible for him. Do not give up on him. Do not let him do whatever he wants. And most of all, do not let him throw his life away. Do whatever you have to and keep him away from those friends and keep him from smoking. Seriously ... if you have to hire him a stinkin' babysitter (or make him get a job at a boys club) after school or for the summer -- make him accountable to authority -- and make him understand if he wants responsibility and wants to make his own choices, he has to prove he's worthy of making the right ones.

This won't be easy. But from one mother to another, it's what you HAVE to do. I've been through it. And regardless of what he says to you now (I am sure, when you lay down the law, some 'I hate you' comments and various other choice words will be thrown around), he will come back to you. There's a special bond between a mother and her son. That sweet boy is in there somewhere and with guidance, you can get him back.

Now, to my faithful readers who are shaking their heads in defiance of this post: I am hoping you can understand and read into the agony this mother is going through because of the actions of her son. She is seeing the BIG PICTURE -- how his actions affect his future, his goals and how they can define the man he will become.

It's hard for us to see the big picture --how actions affect our entire lives -- whether it be letting our grades slip, smoking or hanging out with the wrong friends -- but they all do. Remember the phrase, 'actions speak louder than words?' Well, our actions define us and shape us into the adults we become. Granted, people who make wrong choices as kids turn out just fine all the time -- but it's usually because some wise adult steered them back onto the right path or an experience in our lives scared them straight.

So understand nothing I wrote to this mother is meant to be said against you -- and nothing I wrote is meant to make your lives a living hell. This boy needs this kind of guidance right now and this mother needs encouragement and strength to help get her son back on the right path.

Maybe this will help us all see what kind of angst and agony our parents go through when we're not exactly making the smartest choices. And how important their guidance and advice and sometimes, hard-headed rules are, to helping us become smart, strong and responsible adults.