She Realizes She Wants Him, But It's Too Late

Dear Dee:
My ex boyfriend says he's moved on. But I still want to go back out with him.
We had been together for 1 year and 4 months. We never really had any problems with our relationship. But we both lost our jobs and we were living together for 8 months. I left him in the worst way possible.

After I left, he was hurt. He begged for me to come back for a long time. We hung out a couple times. Then recently I figured out I really wanted to try again. But he says he doesn't want me back. He says he found someone else. I know it's a rebound relationship.

So what do I do? I really love this guy. And I want him back. I want to fix our mistakes. I've spent all week begging him. I can't see him since we don't really live that close anymore. I've only been able to express my feelings over the internet.

I just really miss him. And I have a feeling he misses me too.

Please help me. I don't want to move on. What could I do to get him back? Do I even have the chance?

This guy spent time after you broke up trying to convince you to come back. You didn't. Now, all of a sudden YOU want to come back and he's not letting you. Well, good for him!

Ouch, right? Why should he roll over now that you've hurt him time and time again? First you walked out, then you refused to come back when he asked you to. Why should he take you back now that you've decided the timing is right? Why should he have sat there, while you rejected him and waited for you to get your crap together?

It royally sucks you've come to the realization you love and miss him. It is even worse that he's moved on and now that you no longer want to move on, you actually need to. But let's be positive. Maybe hope isn't lost.

Let it rest awhile. Stop begging. If you've apologized for your past mistakes, then let it go at that and give this some time. If you are sincere in your regrets and in your desire to come back and his relationship is just a rebound, then maybe he'll come to his senses.

It's great you've reconnected online. But I ask you: If you were the supposed other girl, how would you feel if a blast from the past was trying to take your man? You've made your feelings known, now respect the boundaries of a relationship and stop trying to steal another girl's guy -- just like you would expect her to respect you if the situation were reversed.

You've put a lot on this guy in recent months and you've shown him many different emotional faces. Now, show him your patience. Show him your emotional maturity and show him you're a woman who knows how to back off when it's warranted -- and I really believe it is here.

This reality sucks. And the fact you realized your feelings a little too late is harsh. But sometimes that's just how it is -- especially if there's a bigger lesson to be learned. So, I ask you ...what have you learned from this?

A Love Triangle in the Making

Dear Dee:
I live in this really really small town and have super amazing friends!

But I was at a party the other day and the guy who is like my brother told his best friend (my crush) he likes me! I haven't told my crush I like him. I know I have to tell the guy who likes me that he is like my brother and that is all he'll ever be, but I don't know how to without either hurting him or making things super awkward between us! And I kinda want to tell the guy I like, I like him but he can't date yet and honestly I can't see myself with any guy other than him!

This isn't a mess yet. And there are two ways to look at it. The first, being you received this info about your guy-friend liking you, secondhand. So you can wait for him to actually say something to you himself or you can take the second option and be proactive.

As your friend, you probably confide in him, right? Have you talked to him about your crush? Have you told him you value his friendship and think of him as a brother? Talking to him is always going to be the best way to make sure things are straight between the two of you. And you know, it probably will be awkward but if you work through it instead of backing off, you can salvage your friendship. Just stay true to your feelings and your friendship.

Now about your crush ... should you tell him? Well, that's up to you. You know him and you probably have a sense of how he'll respond. So maybe you should just go from there.

Boyfriend, Best Friend & a Whole Lot of MESS

Dear Dee:
I am 14 and have an amazing boyfriend, ,we are best friends and I really do love him.
Normally when I date a guy, I cheat and with him I don't. We have tried things but nothing felt right when we attempted to do sexual things.
My other best friend is a girl and we are so much alike. she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I think i am in love with her, too. One night we were watching a movie and we were hugging because it was scary and all of a sudden we kissed.

We both pulled away but then her lips came crashing down on mine again things were moving really quickly and before I knew it things got a little out of hand. We stopped and laughed at what had happened but it felt right and I felt the fire and passion all over my body. does this mean I am lesbian or bi or something or does that often happen with the two hottest girls in the school?

No this doesn't mean you are a lesbian or bisexual. But what it does mean is you are foolish, irresponsible and have absolutely no idea what a real relationship is! You actually don't have a problem, at 15, telling someone you always cheat on your boyfriends and that you haven't cheated on your current one -- except that you have ... with your best friend, who happens to be a girl!

Wake up and realize what you're doing to yourself, your reputation and your future. Is this what you want to be known for? Right now, this is what I see: a girl who can't seem to take a relationship seriously -- the girl who can't keep her hormones in check -- the girl who is more interested in indulging every single sexual urge at the age of 15, rather than fashioning her own character and figuring out what's real and worth while in her life -- the girl who is, at a very young age making adult decisions without even thinking of the consequences to herself, her body and her character. It is very, very sad.

Great. You're popular. And just like most popular kids, you're not realizing the responsibility that comes with being looked up to by others. You're figuring you can get away with treating people any way you want because so far, people have let you. But that's not life honey! It's not real and it will end.

Please, take a step back. Get yourself figured out and straightened out. There isn't anything wrong with being in a relationship IF you know how to handle it and respect it. And clearly, you do not. You can't even keep the lines between friendship and romantic relationships clear. You've blurred them all and are walking into some very dangerous waters.

Realize what you are worth. Realize you are more than what you wrote above. And if you don't see that for yourself, you need to do some soul searching and some get some help from an adult you trust.

They're Getting Guys, I'm Not ... Help

Dear Dee:
All of my friends seem to be getting attention from boys. It's always, 'he wants to ask me out!' Or, he said 'he really liked me!'

I'm short, but I have always been called cute and adorable by my peers ... but apparently guys dont like that? All of the high school boys seem to go after the girls wearing tons of makeup or the ones that seem fake. I just have esteem issues right now. Do I just play it cool until the right guy comes along?

Yeah. That's exactly what you do -- but it's easier said than done, right? Believe me. I totally know it.

Be yourself. Dont' change yourself to try to catch a guy -- and remember, while your peers are constantly talking about who likes whom or whatever, sometimes they're flat out lying! That's just the truth of it. All of us girls are insecure. It's like the best kept secret among females. We can walk confident, talk confident but deep down, we're all scared and insecure.

So while you're feeling it pretty deep right now, don't show it. Keep your head up. Strut your stuff, go about your business and see what happens. Don't feel threatened or inferior to those other makeup-caked girls -- make strides to show off your beauty -- like only you can. Maybe even step out of your comfort zone a little and talk to a few guys.

Bottom line is don't let these girls phase you and just be yourself. He'll come along ... or if you're really lucky, a whole bunch of em will come along!

'Words Said No' Sees Light

Dear Dee:
Hello again.
A little while back, I sent you an email asking for advice on what to do about 'My words said no and my actions said yes.'

And a little while ago, I read your response and as any teenager who gets a lecture, I was a bit offended. But as I kept on reading, what you were saying made sense, so I stopped communication.

I had thought if i broke everything with him off, I would feel free. But I still felt this yearning. Well, last week I went to a conference and gave my life to God, now I am truly free!

I just want to thank you for urging me to stop and thank you for taking the time out of your own life to help me out. God is using you in such amazing ways.


Hey thanks for taking the time to read and truly absorb what I was trying to say. I love actually knowing people are reading and pondering on whether to agree/disagree with me! I am so glad you've found the strength to do the right thing and am hoping you can keep it up! Continue to learn, grow and understand your value and worth. You won't regret it. Best of luck to you.

Staying Friends Might Be Too Painful

Dear Dee:
I just finished my first semester of grad school.
Over the course of the semester I became good friends with a guy who was in all of my classes and who is a few years younger than me. We studied together at the library almost every day, sometimes with our numerous mutual friends and sometimes just the two of us.

We have great conversations about our lives and share a love of learning, knowledge, & movies. At first it was totally platonic. But as I got to know him better I started to develop feelings for him and I thought the same thing was happening on his end.

After a few months of flirting, smiling, and enjoying each other's company, and waiting for him to make a move, I finally caved and asked him if he wanted to watch a movie after a late night of studying. After getting a brushed off response, I prodded a little further. He told me he really wasn't looking for a relationship with a classmate. It's not that he didn't enjoy spending time with me, but that he couldn't handle the stress and consequences of what would happen if it didn't work out. He said maybe if we met in another time or another place, it might work out.

I expressed some disappointment but ultimately told him that was okay and I didn't want this to jeopardize our friendship. Things between us were a little bit awkward for the next week or so, but got back to normal right before winter break. I think that we are really compatible and are totally comfortable around each other and our shared interests and strong friendship would make a great foundation for a meaningful relationship.

I am definitely not waiting around for him. But, I guess my questions is, now that school is starting again, should I completely move on and forget about it or keep being his friend, even though its a little bit painful, and hope that someday he'll change his mind?

If it is painful for you to be around this guy as just friends, then you should definitely pull away for awhile. It doesn't have to be forever, but maybe just until you can move past the rejection and see things a little more clearly.

You did a good thing by finally putting the 'relationship' thing out there. Now you know where you stand and you can do something about it vs. never knowing and constantly wondering. You can move on now, knowing you made the move, but he wasn't willing to give it a shot. You were brave and it is a very, very good thing! Nothing's worse than a 'what if' 10 years down the road. So be proud of yourself for finding out where things were and where they could go.

Your time away from him will be good for both of you. Maybe he'll have a change of heart when you're not around anymore or better yet, maybe you will and you'll realize he wasn't as important to you as you thought he was. Give it time. Concentrate on what matters right now -- your school work, your future and your friends. It'll all fall into place and you'll be better off for it.

Good luck with everything!

When Things Got Tough, He Split ...

Dear Dee:
I started seeing a guy who had never been in a serious relationship, nor had he had sex.

A month after seeing one another, we solidified our relationship, and within a week was confessing his love for me. I denied it at first because I simply thought it was mere infatuation.

He kept refusing my explanation and from how he treated me, I started to believe him. He paid attention to every detail and took care of me and acted so happy around me. All of his friends noticed what a change he had made and what a happier person he seemed to be. His friends started teasing him a bit because of how he acted around me. He just wasn't the person they were used to being around.

Anyway, he gave me no impression his feelings of excitement were dying yet he immediately went from "I really do love you and would never want to break apart" to a text message saying"I think we need a break, I am not feeling it anymore and haven't been having a lot of fun lately."

He still has refused to speak to me and although I refuse to chase him, I simply cannot understand how feelings like that can change overnight unless it is simply a matter of immaturity and selfishness. Am I correct with this assumption?

You are totally correct in your assumption. Immaturity, selfishness and just generally being an ass definitely account for the behavior this moron is displaying.

He seriously broke up with you in a text? Not only is that something fifth graders do, it shows his complete lack of class and dignity. Ugh. It also shows his 'feelings' were nothing but words he was using to take advantage of you and draw you in. I guess now you know why he'd never been in a serious relationship -- he doesn't have the staying power!

Look, this is not your fault. And while you say you're not chasing after him, it still has to hurt. Do your best to console yourself that anyone who treats you like this is not worth your time and definitely not worth your tears.

Walk away knowing that next time, you want to really wait for someone who is more mature and stable, vs. a relationship novice is runs at the first sign of trouble. Since when are relationships all about fun? That he made, in itself, is enough to show he has the relationship maturity of a grapefruit -- and you don't need that.

Don't call him. Don't return his text messages. Give him his space. And if he comes back with mountain-sized apology and you're feeling up to giving him a pardon, then do it -- but be on your guard. Most guys can't grow up overnight -- especially one who doesn't even have the guts to break up face to face. Those kind of losers more than likely will never get a clue.

My Words Said No, But My Actions Said Yes

Dear Dee:
I started working last year an I made heaps of new friends -- one in particular.

He's 18 and I just turned 15. We started of as friends and about a month in he asked me out, I made excuses so I didn't have to go out with him.

Well we've been hanging out and once again he asked me out. I made up excuses again. You see, I really like him but don't want to do out with him. I like the fact he is a hot, older guy, who drives me around. So this went on and on.

I lead him on for about a year. Then one night I suggested we go take his new car out for a spin, we ended up an hour away from home and at the beach. We had never done anything, not even kissed. So when he started to make a move on me it was confusing.

I didn't give in for a while. I started getting really cold and he suggested lets go to the car. Being as naive as I am, I hopped into the back seat and we sat there arms around each other. He started doing things and before you knew it we had sex. And now he wants it from me all the time.

I still won't go out with him. I want to be just friends. I do not love him. He says he loves me. I believe he does. But I am just not at that place with him. I don't want to have sex with him and I want him to leave me alone and stop texting me and bothering me. How can I make him leave me alone?

Sister, you made a huge mistake here -- HUGE -- and now you're paying for it. But it is not the end of the world and regardless, if you say NO -- it means no and this fool should back off.

I hope you can look at this situation and see all the things wrong with it -- but if you can't, please let me point them out as this is a huge learning opportunity.

• You used this guy because you wanted to be chauffeured around
• You deliberately played on his feelings for you by asking him to do things for you and spend time with you
• You didn't stick to your guns when it came down to business -- you let him take things too far.

Every step of the way, your words said one thing to him, but your actions -- you taking advantage of him -- showed him something else. And what do we always say? Actions speak louder than words.

When push came to shove, you had sex -- even though you said you didn't want to date him or have a relationship with him. What type of signal does that send?

You've proven that at 15, you do not have the will power or the self-respect to do what's right. You've also proven you don't necessarily know how to treat other people. Yeah, this guy is older and should be able to take care of himself, but that doesn't give you the right to play with his emotions.

Now the lecturing aside, you've made a mistake and now you're living with it -- but you've also got to DEAL with it. This means you need to really lay down the law where this guy is concerned. If you don't want to see him, DON'T. Friendship doesn't seem possible right now. So don't try to salvage it. Maybe later, but it's just not going to work out right now. Keep your distance and don't put yourself in a situation where things could escalate out of hand again. Don't answer his text messages. Do not give him any reason whatsoever to hope there's a chance with you. You've got to be very, very direct and deliberate.

Please remember, this whole situation was/is bad news. It' bad news for this guy and it's bad for you and your character. You're worth so much more than being known as the girl who jumped in the backseat with a guy she's not even romantically interested in. Figure out who you are and what you stand for. Use this mistake as a chance for you to evaluate what you want to become.

One last thing. I do worry a little bit about this guy being older than you. So, if you feel threatened or in danger in any way, please tell an adult you trust. Put your pride aside and ask for help if he doesn't leave you alone. No means no and if you don't want to see or talk to him again you shouldn't have to. So don't take any chances.

2 Guys, 1 Girl & Sleepless Nights of Guilt

Dear Dee:
There are two guys who I broke up with who don't care if I hurt them or not.

Believe it or not, they have the same ideas about fighting for someone they love. I can't stand it really. I can't sleep, I have panic attacks and mostly the worst thing is, I have severe guilt.

I didn't know what I wanted when I broke up with boy #1, and decided finding a nicer guy might be good. So I dated this new guy and his feelings were strong from the beginning. I knew that wasn't good, and didn't trust my intuition to back off and not let it get serious. But I stayed with the new guy because I found out guy #1 was doing some really stupid things.

But time went on, and I needed resolution from guy # 1, since we dated 4 years. He would leave notes on my car would try to get in touch with me all the time. One day I gave in and they both found out about each other.

Now they are both hurt and fighting for me to win me over. I feel like blowing up at both of them because its hard for me to say how I feel without fear and guilt. Do I stick it out with guy #2 and let the stress heighten? If that's what I should do, how do I tell persistant guy #1 I cant do this. Why is it so hard?

This is a mess, because you let it become a mess. You let this get out of hand and you kinda jerked these two guys around. There's no question about that.

And you've already hurt them and caused bitterness between two individuals who actually, don't seem like they're the um friendliest and most stable of guys emotionally. It really sounds like this could end very badly if you don't handle it correctly. So you need to act decisively and with authority.

Very plainly, you shouldn't be in a relationship with either of these boys, since you can't sort out your feelings or what you want. And since you can't seem to be honest with either of them or yourself.

You need to get your crud together, get back on track emotionally -- and after you've normalized for awhile, then try a relationship. You've got some growing up to do in how to deal with commitment and understanding what's right and wrong in a relationship. Furthermore, you need to figure out what YOU did wrong this time around and how you can avoid it in the future.

It won't be easy, but it's the smart thing to do: Get these two to stop fighting, tell them you can't be involved with either of them and that you need time. And take a step back. Get yourself sorted out then go from there.

Hey everyone makes relationship mistakes. I do it all the time. In fact, I spend more time apologizing than anything else -- but the trick here is to know what you've done wrong, fix it and learn from it. If you can do that after you've sorted through this mess, then great. If not, then wait until you can before getting into another relationship. You can clean this up -- it might just take a few hundred bandages and maybe a little scotch tape to do it.

He Wants Her, But Doesn't Want Relationship

Dear Dee:
I have been talking to this guy for over a year now, and in the beginning, everything was wonderful. He was so sweet, and understanding.

We loved to spend time together and he was so affectionate. Well the year has since passed and things are extremely different. I thought everything was going fine until one night my intuition said to check his phone. When I did, I found text messages from other girls in he was flirting with. It broke my heart, because he said he had feelings for me and I thought we were getting closer to a relationship.

He told me those girls were just people he flirted with because he was 'immature' and it was me he really wanted. But now he's telling me he's not ready for a relationship, and that he has feelings for me AND his ex-girlfriend. Not to mention there is another girl who just happens to claim him also though he says they are just friends.

I try to walk away, but he constantly says he and his ex will not get back together, and the other girl he is not interested in, and that he still wants me around.

But if he is still immature and not ready to be in a relationship with me, what is the point?
I'm really confused because while I have developed strong feelings for him, I know it's gonna be hard to be just friends with him, though he says in the future he wants to be in a relationship with me. And we are constantly going back in forth with each other.

Should I just be his friend and hope for the best? Or should I just leave this all behind?

I have no doubt this guy wants you around -- he wants you with him so he can jerk you around and see you dance, spin, grovel and chase him until HE wants you to stop. He wants you there so he can fool around with you when he's in the mood for it and can pull out the friendship card whenever he's not. He's playing you. He's using you and he wants you there when all these other little flings he's got going on don't pan out.

So, here's the questions you need to answer: Are you his little play thing? Do you deserve something better? And, lastly are you WORTH being treated better than this?

The answers to these questions should be: NO. YES and YES.

DO NOT sell yourself short. Don't pretend his treatment of you is OK, because it's not. It's typical jerk behavior from a guy who's not only a jackass, but one who doesn't know how to treat a woman right -- therefore, he doesn't deserve ANY girl.

Be confident. Be deliberate and most of all, know beyond on a shadow of a doubt this is behavior you don't need, don't deserve and most definitely don't have to put up with. I know it will be painful since you have feelings for him, but you've got to nip this in the bud and kick this I-Can't-Write-This-Word-In-My-Blog guy to the proverbial curb. And, if you're really pissed, feel free to call up all the others he's playing and let them in on the secret.

You're worth having. And you're worth a committing to a real relationship with. Don't you ever, ever doubt it.